See, when your brain suddenly works differently than it did before, it can be incredibly stressful. You have to stay on your toes, because so much can — and will — go wrong… or at least differently from what you intend and expect.
You start to say something, and it comes out wrong. Not only does it come out wrong, but it comes out in the “wrong” sort of way that puts people off — pisses them off — or makes them wonder WTF is wrong with you. Sometimes you don’t even understand that what you’ve said is wrong, until later — when it’s too late to take it back or correct people’s misunderstandings or explain yourself.
You start to do something — a simple little thing like picking up a spoon to stir your coffee — but your coordination is off and you drop the spoon, clattering loudly on the kitchen floor. The sudden loud sound is like a gunshot in your head, and not only have you messed up a very, very simple thing (how hard can it be to pick up a spoon and stir your coffee?), but you’ve also hurt your ears… And now you have to bend over to pick up the spoon, which is no easy feat, considering that you’re off balance and your coordination is off.
If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to bend down and stand up again without falling and hitting your head.
You get yourself ready for work and you go out into the day, but at every step along the way, things turn out differently than you planned and expected, and you end up frustrated and backpedaling and tied up in one do-over after another.
It’s exhausting, to be constantly adapting and adjusting. Always paying attention, always focusing, always double-checking to make sure you haven’t screwed something up or done something you didn’t intend. The worst is when you do things that others take the wrong way — they feel hurt by what you say or do, and then they lash out… because they think you’ve done it to them on purpose. Then you have to defend yourself, which sometimes means you have to get aggressive, because people are coming after you with both guns blazing — over a misunderstanding.
Over your brain doing something quite different from what you wanted it to do.
You do what you have to do, but it feels terrible. All the while you want to say,
“Wait – wait – I didn’t mean it. You’re misunderstanding me. I didn’t mean to say or do what I said and did. I know better. I really do. I intended better. I really did. But my brain isn’t exactly my best friend today and it’s messing with both you and me.”
And all the while, the rest of the world thinks that you’re either psychologically disrupted, or you’re doing things on purpose, or you’re malicious, or you’re an a$$hole, or you just don’t “get it”.
Nobody gets it. And sadly, with TBI, a lot of times that includes you.
Until it’s too late.
And you can’t take back what you said or did.
And you’re not even sure anymore about what you said and did.
And everybody’s pissed off at you.
So, you go on. You keep going. You get some sleep and try to eat right, you try to catch up with yourself. You just do whatever you can do.
You keep going, as best you can.