I had a really good session with my neuropsych last night. But not for the reasons you might think. I came away with a renewed sense of really being capable of dealing with things on my own. In terms of having someone to bounce ideas off of, as well as sorting through the professional social landscape, they have been incredibly helpful to me.
I’ve been having a lot of physical/logistical challenges, lately. Vision, balance, headaches… feeling not-quite-here. It’s been pretty distracting, and it’s been adding to the overall burden of my daily life. The job changes and my spouse’s mental/cognitive status have been putting a lot of pressure on me. And I’d like to clear out whatever physiological and logistical issues I can, so that I can free up more energy to deal with the bigger emergent issues in my life.
The issues are good, as well as bad. I have a new job coming up, and I want to be in top shape to step up.This is really important to me — a new chance to really jump-start my life to where it should be, by now. My TBI in 2004 not only took the wind out of my proverbial sails, but also blew directly against me… alternating with stopping completely, so I was stuck in the doldrums.
So, now I have a chance to get back. I’m feeling a little pressure — but even more than that, a huge sense of promise, that I want to live up to, to my fullest.
So, I had gone to my neuropsych appointment with the hope of discussing these issues with them and coming up with some solutions.
However (and I’ve known this for years), they are a particular brand of “mind-only” Buddhist and they believe that we create our worlds with our minds and thoughts, and the difficulties I’m having are just exacerbated (if not created) by my having a skewed understanding of myself, who I am, and how things “should” be in my life/the world. They’re also very much into the idea that we create suffering in our minds, rather than it coming from the outside world. And that’s about the most bizarre distortion of Buddhism I’ve yet to hear. It’s common with American Buddhism, which is a strangely morphed version of “the original” that has people outside the West shaking their heads in bafflement. American’s (and perhaps a lot of Westerners) have their own spin on suffering and its causes, that is unique to them… not to Buddhism.
I’ve been through this kind of exchange with them in the past, and it always leaves me frustrated and exasperated. And it makes me want to fire them. I go to them for help with very real issues that I am reluctant to share (and have difficulty talking about), and all they can tell me is, “Change your perception of your difficulties, and that will relieve your suffering.” Oh My God. I just re-read that, and it sounds so ridiculous. Ludicrous. And it could tweak me into a migraine. But I’m not going there, right now, thank you very much
I’ll resist the impulse, because there’s a valuable lesson coming from this.
It’s a very strange sort of dissonance that takes place in that office, some days.
I have the hardest time actually telling people about my difficulties, and admitting how hard things have been for me. It’s so much easier to just cover it up and suffer in silence. Not always suffer, but just suck it up and deal with it. But there are times when I reach a point where I just can’t hold out anymore, and I need to discuss my concerns with someone — and also come up with a plan of attack.
So I work up the courage to go to their office with the intention of finding solutions to issues I’m having, which have been a huge source of distress to me. And we end up talking about how I perceive these issues that are causing me so much distress… “showing” me how my attitude is actually adding to my discomfort. I could be wrong (and I often am because my judgment gets all turned around and paranoid and narrowed, especially lately), but they seem to be encouraging me to acknowledge things as they are, see the hardships and accept them, and not let them get me down or stop me from just living my regular life.
Oh my God. Some days it is so exasperating. I’m genuinely having issues, and they really seem to think it’s all in my head.
Should I stay or should I go, now….? (I hear The Clash singing in the background.)
It’s complicated. This individual has helped me tremendously, in terms of getting me back on track with my professional life. That’s where their “sweet spot” is. I don’t have anyone close to me in my life who is actually mainstreamed in the way that I am. My family is very small-town and rural, which is not a bad thing. It’s just very different from my own immediate world. And my family is very religious in ways that are different from my own. With my neuropsych, I have had huge success in sorting out my work life, my relationships on the job, understanding the personalities I’m dealing with, as well as workplace dynamics, and that’s been more valuable than gold to me.
The place where they do NOT help me, is with my logistical issues and all those weird, distracting symptoms and anomalies that keep me on my toes.
Those, I need to sort out in a different way.
Which I shall do. I’ve found a rehabilitative neuro-optometrist near me, and I’m going to make an appointment with them to rule out any vision issues which could be screwing up my balance, as well as messing with my other senses. I just need to rule things out. I hope they take my insurance – I’ve got crazy-good insurance right now that lets me go see any specialist I want, without a referral needed. And I can’t afford a non-insured visit, quite frankly.
I’m also going to follow up with another neurologist about the autonomic testing. And I have a follow-up appointment with the physiatrist in a couple of weeks. I’m going to see if I can move that up — or out — because the appointment coincides with my first week on the job, and I need to clear up my schedule for that.
Plus, I’m really bumping up my commitment to fitness, keeping healthy, and strengthening myself. I’m dealing with the issues with my upper back (my traps are not as strong as they should be, and my upper body needs more strength, while my lower body needs more flexibility to accompany the wider range of activity I’ve been giving it. I no longer sit all day, like I used to, and I’ve been walking/hiking a lot more. So, my legs have to get used to that.
I’m basically taking things into my own hands, health-wise. And I’m investigating new ways to rehabilitate myself.
There’s a world of hurt under the surface of my daily life, and I can’t seem to get help from the “standard set” of people I’ve been looking to. So, I’m branching out and expanding.
And that’s exactly what I’ve been needing to do.