Friday is here, and I’m happy to say, I wish it weren’t.
It has literally been over a decade, since I last felt this way, and the time when I felt this way in the past was short-lived. That was partly because my job changed, and partly from immaturity, and partly from TBIs messing up my head and making me a million times more stressed than I should have been.
People used to tell me, “Relax!” But I thought they were crazy. Who could relax under such stressful conditions?
The stressful conditions were created in my biochemistry, as well as my neurology by things I could not detect – things that people told me were no big deal. But they were a big deal.
A very big deal.
Well, anyway, now I understand. And I can do something about it. I’m trying to pace myself, because I’ve been held back for so long by organizations that were actually behind the times, and now I have the chance to really stand out. Take the lead. That’s my job, and it’s good.
What a waste… all those years, people were telling me there was nothing wrong, and I believed them. I took them at their word, because I trusted them. As it turns out, they were just trying to make themselves feel better, because they were invested in me being a certain person in their lives. And if I stopped being the person they thought I was, then they might be wrong about the persons they thought they were.
Funny how that works…
Anyway, it’s Friday. And my old friend actually DID write back to me… They remember our parting in a very different way, I believe. Or the just did a better job of coming to terms with it. In any case, we’re back in touch, now, and there’s the chance for us to interact as adults, with the full benefit of 50 years of living to make sense of it all. And we are actually in similar lines of work, so we can compare notes.
It’s fascinating. They sound so much more mature in their emails than I feel – or hear myself being in my emails. There is something a little stunted about them, though. Like they are reading from an “adult script” that shows how they should talk and think and relate. Still, their own personality shows through. It might also be due to them speaking about 4 different languages (English is not their first), and their expressions come out differently. I know that when I lived in Europe, many years ago, my expressions were different from the norm.
Then again, it doesn’t take living in a foreign country for that to happen. Oh, heck, I usually feel like I’m living in another land, speaking another language, anyway…
Ha. Funny how that goes.
And on that note… it’s off to my day. Onward!
Broken Brain - Brilliant Mind 
BB. Good to hear that you got feedback. I sometimes wonder how I’d sound if I hadn’t gotten so banged up. Sometimes during my attempts to sound like I fit in that I sound like the person who emailed you back. But overall, other people’s communications seem so false to me. I can’t watch TV much. Too much going on in the background. It is a light show every time I turn on the TV. The whole TV goes right to my sensory over load like an email goes to spam. But the spam is my fight or flight bucket. But today I watched 30 minutes of the debate. Mr. Trump may sound ridiculous and the things he says seem off, way off, at times, but he seems authentic in some way. Is he missing a filter? Did he have multiple TBI’s? Maybe he was born and the used those clamps to pull him out or maybe he is manipulating in his “way off” sounding. S. Hamyk the mex. actrress think so. Trying to make it like thee they are the “enemy”. Or in my case, trying to cash in on the voters who want a human for a president. I got angry at how he would dare talk negatively and even bring up Senator McCains service. What is donald smoking in his trumpet. I mean how does someone admit their ignorance in such an offensive, aggressive way. I think that I have sounded that ignorant before. Maybe he appeals to me because I don’t think he is BS guy. Can somebody that rich, so successful as what he does involving people, be like this.
Maybe he wants to get all those going “go trump” and then get them writing his name on as a independent, taking 10 15 percent away from the republican nominee. Luka feeling like the world trapped him on the second floor. TBI sucks. But there is hope! Onward.
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Well, I give you more credit than myself. I couldn’t watch the debate. I can’t watch any of them, regardless of the party affiliation. It’s more than I want to process. I probably could, but it just seems like there is so much double-talk and careful manipulation… if I don’t feel like an idiot going in, then I feel like one, coming out on the other side.
I think that is why so many people favor Donald Trump – because he is a straight shooter. Like him or not, like his attitudes or not, he says what he (apparently) means, and people really appreciate that. Even if they disagree heavily with what he says, like the McCain comment (which I can’t even begin to think about, it makes me so angry and upset), at least he says what he means, and he does not appear to be in the pocket of special interests – just his own interests.
I think that’s what people gravitate to – a self-made leader, and someone who runs his own show, rather than being a marionette of lobbyists and certain industries.
When it comes to his behavior, I agree with S. Hayek, that he is manipulating in some ways. He is, after all, trying to negotiate a deal with the American people, and he does know how to make deals.
Plus, for some, he is the proto-typical American. Self-made, enormously rich, with a public presence and a reputation, for good or ill. The direction this country has gone, in the last years, makes a lot of people unhappy. It’s un-American to them, and they want things to fit how they understand America. I don’t blame them at all. I’m just past the point of thinking I know for sure how things “should” turn out… politically, or otherwise. Ultimately, I think I’m far too independent to join in with political parties. I dropped my party affiliation a while back, and it’s been a huge relief.
If things “go south”, I’ll turn survivalist. Moving into the wilderness is looking more and more appealing every day.
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It was after my tbi and resulting ptsd, that i became an ardent observer. I default at times to people who i believe see more and/or embracing it. I never like the actress S Halmyk much, but listening to her my tbi brain intuitioned brain said that she may be saying something very important. People could be getting the back door con job. Just because someone is giving what appears to be a pure opinion doesn’t mean 1. it is. 2.the people should not only respect an uninformed opinion but honor it just on the basis that it may be more authentic.
Is this how bad things have gotten? Our idea of character is being strong enough to say our beliefs (appearing like). And that character has nothing to do with being or saying the right things or that is an after thought. Yes watching the debates. What are we watching?
My mind can’t understand what anything rely means here. How much is it my autistic-like being and how much is it the over-stimulation that is affecting all brains. All I know is that I get tired trying to figure out who is what. Who is on second? Who is on third? Hope for a rainout.
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Things do seem like they are going downhill. Wonder where a good place to be for people who can’t fit in anywhere?
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Sometimes I think only “informed” voters should be allowed to vote. It was probably more like this when we were younger, but who really is informed enough. All I can figure out is I don’t know jack shit about anything. I’m the idiot going and the idiot on the other side going out. And this is not just a tbi survivor talking. I believe that most people have very little clue. I would not want to be a police officer or a politician at all these days. Sometimes I think it is best to know you know little and to care for sensory overload. Even the non-tbi survivors or non-autistic types. The world is too much. Right now my head is aching as I hear one of those blowers from landscapers. Everywhere we turn. We have turned in tranquil setting which allowed brain to thrive, to a setting of “advancement” snowblowers and leaf blowers and lights and choices and beeps. My nervous system was beat anyway. But this technology didn’t help much. All these ADHD kids. Is it that we diagnose them all wrong or is the environment wrecking havoc on our nervous systems. I, myself, need to cut internet some and take walks while letting brain heal again. But where. And why are we all honking our horns at each other like we are all enemies.
In my tbi space cadet moment I crossed in a crosswalk at the wrong time. He sped up to scare me and started cursing me out in his language which I speak. Even after a sincere apology, he is still giving me the finger. This is crazy.
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I suspect we find each other along the way, and fit in where we can…
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Back door con job is right. Backlash against the Occupy movement. Backlash against people who are gaining ground, with someone at the lead who is in that “dreaded 1%”. I neither agree nor disagree with any of them. I agree with parts of everything that everyone says. I cannot choose sides. Everyone is as wrong as they are right, and I am over the “team sports” of politicking. Including the new contenders who appear to offer more alternatives. It seems like a massive shell game, with the only winners being the ones who are moving the shells, while the rest of us watch and delight in the challenge of figuring out where the pea is.
In the end, the pea was never under any of the shells. They swept it off the table, when we were distracted by the dancing monkey with the gold chain collar.
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Good piece of writing! Really, it is not just politicking but everyday life. People seem greedy about everything. No, we have to watch this channel. No, we have to eat this brand, No, we have to have this, that and the other thing. No this team, that team. I suppose somewhere, somehow I am found in this mess. I was an introvert before the coma. Its like if your not shouting then you’re not assertive or “strong”. I don’t do the shout thing much. My head hurts, my ears hurt, and I just don’t know anything so strongly that I think I deserve to shout it. Joy!
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Maybe it is the apathy and fatigue that comes with TBI. But I don’t feel that I have ever wanted anything so badly. It’s sad because for 30 years I have lived without a prior passion that I once had, but on the other side, maybe it is true grace to really feel content in not wishing too much for more. Being brain injured took many dreams away. Yes I know grief. And I feel broken for many years now. But maybe I am still standing because integrity was something I valued over material or power and TBI survivors are just trying to keep it together most of the time.
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Thanks Luka. Yeah, I don’t know about that shouting business. Seems to me that the people doing the shouting think they’re much smaller and weaker than they are, and they have to prove to themselves and everyone that they’re big and strong.
People who don’t need to shout are in a different class entirely.
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Here’s a poem that came to me while I was thinking about losing passion.
No seed in the birdfeeder.
The hungry chickadees
are safe from the hunting hawk.
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Interesting poem. My TBI mind can put out material like this. Abstract meaning found in the concrete symbols. But my incoming ability is very weak these days. Maybe I’ll look later.
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Well, see what you think…
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yes, i just read it in your whole blog entry which included these lines. i have found my mellow state and lack of much zest for living, while painful, is actually keeping me safer. i like a short story by herman mellville, “bartelby the scribner” . “scholars” agree the character, bartelby must have some sort of mind illness- He reminds me of a person that has been beat-up so often and for so long that he just sees things around him as meaningless. Maybe it is survival instinct at. if he cared and challenged anybody, he’d probably get beaten-up again. apathy was also a HUGE symptom of my post-coma time 1991-2. bartelby is very apathetic. it’s a sad existence from the reader’s perspective, but maybe bartelby has a rich imaginary, solitary existence.
who knows? tbi sucks. but it can and does get better. people reading this need to know. if i didn’t get hit in early 2000’s i was on my way to realizing many of my dreams and i was connected to a self that i could recognize. i’m tired now. not sue what’s left. but knowing me, if my mind can endure more hours i will get constructive again and contribute something to world.
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I think that over time, we learn that getting really excited about things and going full-speed-ahead gets us in trouble. I know that the times when I have gotten really caught up in a lot of excitement, I have gotten tired and turned around, and then — still going full-steam-ahead — I got myself in trouble. Did or said something stupid. Made a poor judgement. Or got into a fight with the wrong person (cops were my specialty, when I was running amok). I’m lucky I never got arrested. Or beaten up. Or fired. Then again, maybe I have. I know I have lost jobs because of it. And I’ve gotten hurt a bunch of times because I was going way too fast and too caught up in things.
I’ll need to check out Bartelby The Scrivener. I’ve heard people reference it, but I’ve never read it. Maybe I should…
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