When all the excitement calms down

Just keep going...
Just keep going…

I’ve been in a kind of a funk, for the past few days. I just haven’t felt very energized.

I had a very busy weekend, with a lot going on, and I know I’m a bit behind on my sleep. But even when I do get some rest, I feel blah and slightly disconnected from my life.

I’m settling into my job, and that feels good. I’m settling into my routine, and that feels good, too. I’m working out or going for a swim, 3-4 times a week, and I feel pretty good, other than the aches and pains that come with the changing barometric pressure. My bank account is not at $0 anymore, and that feels great. I’m working through changing over my insurance, with a couple of different hoops to jump through, thanks to various insurance plans I’ve had over the years that I can now let go of. I’m fitting right in at the office, connecting with people and learning the lay of the land.

I just haven’t had the energy or felt the same engagement that I felt in the past.

Everything now is kind of “flat”. It’s solid and it’s stable, and it’s all wide open with a lot of possibilities. And it’s disorienting.  A little disconcerting. Like I’m walking across a prairie with long rolling hills,as far as the eye can see. Off in the distance, I can see proverbial mountains, but they never seem to get any closer. I just keep walking and walking and walking… hoping that eventually I’ll reach whatever destination I’m supposed to be at.

This is how it feels when I’m not going a million miles an hour in damage-control mode. When I’m not constantly reacting to problems and not on a perpetual hamster wheel of crisis, everything feels flat and featureless. I’m sure I’m not alone in this. Going from constant stress to having almost no stress at all, is a biochemical let-down, and the prompts that kept me alert, when everything was sh*ttier than sh*t, just aren’t there anymore to keep me charged up.

I know that life is good, the problems I thought would never disappear have faded into the background, and I am hugely grateful for it.

But I feel like I’ve got no gas in my tank, and everything just feels gray and bleary.

And that makes me feel even stranger. Like I’m a blank.

I know where this comes from. It’s a by-product of PTSD. I had a lot of trauma growing up, and I spent the first half of my childhood in a pretty dangerous environment, so my system has been wired for stress from the start. I was bullied as a kid on a number of occasions — all through 5th grade and 7th grade (I got a “year off” in between), bunches of kids ganged up on me and really punished me for being “weird”. And all the TBIs certainly didn’t help. That’s all the more trauma to add to the mix. Not much fun.

My adult life has been spent living pretty much on the edge. I have no idea what it’s like to be able to plan for retirement, because I’ve never had enough money in the bank for long enough to ever think that would be possible. The most I have hoped for, is not ending up crazy, on the streets, eating dog food.

It sounds a little nuts to me, as I sit here in my nice house (not palatial, but nice enough), with a good job, two cars in the driveway, and a respectable resume. But beneath the surface of this respectable life, there is no financial safety net, a declining spouse with encroaching cognitive impairment, parents who are also declining and expect me to care for them, and an uncertain job market that could take yet another hit from stock market fluctuations.

So, it would be fair and accurate to say my life has its share of stress — especially if I dwell on all of the above, which I choose not to.

I’m coming out of a number of years of intense pressure and trauma and post-traumatic stress. Workplace changes, health changes, my spouse getting more marginal by the month, and watching people around me make genuinely unhelpful choices with their lives… it all takes a toll. Add to that a lack of job stability and the ongoing feeling that I’m hung out on a limb and being played for a fool by the overlords at work, and it adds to the challenge.

The intensity gave me energy for the fight. It kept me going. It felt like it kept me sharp. Over time, existential stress wears you down and wrecks your system, but when it’s at full-speed, it makes you feel like you’re really alive. Traumatic stress is tricky like that – it promises you one thing, but delivers another… and ultimately, that lie can kill. I had a level of intensity that put people off for as long as I can remember. Only my bosses, who knew how to harness it, didn’t have a problem with it — unless, of course, I directed it against them. Then they weren’t so pleased.

Now that things aren’t intense like that anymore, that source of “energy” is gone, and I’m feeling deflated and a little depressed. It’s taking my system time to get used to it, and all the while it is disorienting — and a little stressful in its own right.

So, what to do? I can’t go back to that old level of traumatic stress. Not only is it not good for me, but I’m hip to its lies — it’s not the source of energy my system thinks it is. It’s making me more stupid with each passing day, not smarter, like it tells me. I’m onto it. It can’t fool me, anymore.

What are my options?

What's there in the details?
What’s there in the details?

Mainly… Focus. Keep my focus trained on the little things around me, and keep myself engaged and active in some way or another.

My patience is short with people who fritter their time away on whatever-ness and get overly busy and overly riled about every little thing, so I need to keep from even thinking about them. There are so many of them, and I don’t share the love of drama. Not anymore.

This kind of focus and letting go of all the imaginary recreational drama can be lonely. Social media is full of people who are “in it for the fight”, while my chief objective is to back off the whole fight thing and give my system a chance to right itself. When you aren’t all caught up in the push-pull, what can you talk about with people? If you don’t want to fight, and you don’t want to constantly promote your “personal brand” and take a stand on this, that, or the other thing… what can you do in the everyday world?

There’s not much draw for me, frankly. And I feel myself pulling away from a lot of the discussions and interactions from before. I understand it, and I know it’s important to people, but I just can’t be bothered with it, any longer.

I have what I need. I am what I need. There’s no need to fight, because I understand how things work around me, and it’s no longer necessary to constantly push and pull and drive and strive, to get where I’m going.

And stepping away from that drama, that boiling cauldron… it takes practice. It can be lonely.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels this way. I’m sure there are others I can connect with who are experiencing the same thing. I’m getting away from the old milieu I’ve worked and lived in for so many, many years… just part of maturing and growing up and out, perhaps? And I’m sure I’m not the only one.

I guess it’s just going to take some time for me to find another “ecosystem” to blend in with. Because the old one isn’t doing it for me.

Time is something I have.  Time to start looking around — up, down, left, right, out, in — for what’s next…

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Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

4 thoughts on “When all the excitement calms down”

  1. My first instinct is to recommend a 5K or other fitness event to give you a goal to work towards, while incorporating healthy behaviors for the mind and body. It just seems like a balanced thing to do, but allowing for some variety within a routine. I think the “high” that can come from participating in the event can lead to other goals and take away some of the blahs.

    And a quick update on our journey: my daughter is making the transition to independent schooling well. She is more rested and feeling more balance. Happy to be away from the drama of middle school and the lack of support from that administration. Family not completely in balance due to the impact all of these changes have had on the younger one and her new start at school too, but that is the nature of brain injuries – disruptive to not just the one who had the direct impact.

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  2. Thanks for your suggestion. I am spending a lot more time on my fitness, though not participating in events. The whole crowd thing can be a problem. But exercise does help keep the blahs at bay.

    Glad to hear your daughter is making the transition well. I’m sure it is a relief for her. Good luck to all of you, and may you all find peace and balance as the summer draws to a close.

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  3. I can relate to how the whole crowd thing can be a problem as we deal with that too because of her visual perception problems, auditory challenges (overwhelm!) and proprioception difficulties (especially as the overstimulation of her senses causes her to fatigue and shut down). Her friends are of the age of wanting to attend the local high school football games and our neighbor is in his second year of playing on Varsity, but the setting is just not something she can enjoy–the sensory overload is pretty exhausting and migraine-inducing. School dances are pretty much not an option either.

    She has a goal of running a 5k though and I will be at her side when she does. For now we walk, far behind the noise and bustle (so visually overwhelming) of the runners and joggers. We are so grateful to be able to do that!

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  4. I relate to what Tanya speaks of. I’ve been offered front row seats to see Lebron James play but could not go. Nature is the best choice if she could get into horses or gardens. Good luck!

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