I wish I felt worse about this impending loss… but I don’t

So, my neuropsych is retiring in the spring. I’m probably in a state of denial,right now,with the inevitable progression from that state of mind to anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance.

At least,that’s how it’s supposed to go.

But I’m off to a strange start, not feeling much of anything other than genuine happiness for them — and being a little relieved. Similar to my PCP passing away, this impending loss will solve some issues for me — issues that I had been planning to resolve by just terminating my relationship with them.

Supposedly I’m supposed to have a reaction to this. And back in the day, I would have. But since my fall in 2004, I haven’t been able to muster the emotional connection with others, like I used to. I don’t know what happened to me. I have been thinking it was just a by-product of getting older, getting crankier, and ceasing to give a damn about the things that used to get me in such a whirl before.

Maybe it is… but other people my age seem to be able to forge strong personal bonds with others… especially others who help them on a regular basis. This working/therpeutic relationship I have with my neuropsych is the most stable, constant connection I’ve had — probably ever.

And it’s going away in 5 months.

I guess I’m feeling a bit sad, in some ways, but not as clearly as I used to feel before 2004.

I think part of it is, I’ve never really understood clearly how I was supposed to feel about them, in the first place. I go there each week to work, to make progress, to get my life back on track. It’s not for emotional support or whatever. But they seem to think that’s what things are about.

I dunno. It’s a bit confusing for me, even though I know it’s not supposed to be. Maybe I’ll sort it out.

Or maybe it will be like when my doctor passed away — a burst of regret and sadness and frustration that they had to suffer as they did, but not a ton of loss and regret for me. In a way, I had already moved on. And I sort of feel that way about my neuropsych, who I have felt myself drifting away from for a number of months, now. As though I expected something like this to happen.

To be honest, at this point, the most distressing thing about it, is that I’ll have to adjust my schedule and get acclimated to a new neuropsych. I need to keep working with someone, because if I can’t talk to someone who knows neuropsychology, the rest of my life becomes a tangled mess of not being able to put things in order. I’m surrounded by lazy-ass people who just want to be comfortable in life, and who think my issues are mental or emotional or just character-based. It drives me nuts. I need to interact with someone who is A) aware of how TBI affects your life, and B) is dedicated to improving both themself and helping others do the same.

Anyway, enough about this. Shrug. The day is waiting.

Onward.

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Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

2 thoughts on “I wish I felt worse about this impending loss… but I don’t”

  1. I understand, others with the same kind of injuries will understand. We experience things differently from others. Sometimes, when something is complex, there is a gradual unveiling of reactions and emotions over time, and in the end we find out what we think and feel. Thank you for your honesty. Neuropsychs dont want you to be attached anyway. I know how you feel about the way they provide a reference point, someone who understands your actual situation as opposed to misinterpreting it and misjudging it. It takes years to be able to learn and sequence and coordinate the words that help people have a better understanding – and of course they do not come to memory at the right time! Some people never will, you realise that dont you. Good luck. You might find someone who meets your needs better, who knows.

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