How may I dismiss you? Let me count the ways…

I read something really bothersome this morning – so bothersome, it’s tweaked my last raw nerve and put me in a mood.

It’s an article entitled “Top Ten Psychosomatic Symptoms” and apparently, it takes ~1 minute to read.

That should have been the first red flag. Nothing good can come of a diagnosis “aid” that takes 60 seconds to read.

Lo and behold, here are the top 10 symptoms created by your mind when the brain “attempt[s] to throw a person’s consciousness off guard by inducing physical changes in the body, in order to prevent the person from consciously experiencing difficult emotions, such as rage, sadness, and emotional distress.”

Oy. Here we go… all the ways that we’re not actually suffering from a real illness. The following may be all in your head:

1. Chronic Pain Syndrome – not real pain… you just don’t want to deal with your emotions
2. Fibromyalgia – odd… I thought it was settled, that it’s a real thing.
3. Carpal Tunnel Syndrome – because repetitive stress injuries… nah, not really a thing.
4. Gastrointestinal syndromes – maybe you should just try to relax
5. Migraine headaches – apparently, the top-trending medical issue on Twitter is a chimera
6. Frequent need for urination – because yer innards would never shift south and put pressure on your bladder, now would they?
7. Tinnitus and Vertigo – okay… clearly the person writing this has never dealt with this crap on a daily basis… for years. I invite them to walk a mile in my shoes.
8. Allergic phenomena – ’cause, like, our world is completely hypoallergenic. Not.
9. Skin rashes (Eczema, hives, acne, etc.) – okay, possibly…
10. Eating disorders – it’s been a long time since I read a more gross oversimplification

So, that’s the Hall of Shame for today, folks.

Be glad you don’t have the author for your therapist.

I sure am.