Should I stay or should I go?

The road behind... leads to the road ahead
The road behind… leads to the road ahead

There’s a lot of change going on in my life, these days. For the past couple of months, I’ve been vascillating between hope and despair with regard to my job situation. Nothing is certain, and the change I made back in July, which was supposed to signal the end to my professional wandering.

I’ve been moving around for so long… settling in… being hyper-productive… then moving on… that my resume literally takes up five pages to cover just the basics.

A lot of that moving around has had to do with me getting overwhelmed and sinking into a pit of despair. All the pressures and confusion that come with each day, each week, each month, build up over the years to a point in my professional life, where I would lose focus. And I would have to move on. I’d have this terrible sense of impending doom… feeling like I’m just playing along and doing a good impression of the person I was supposed to be. But the disconnect between who I was and how I presented was too great — and it felt like everything was going to cave in.

So, I’d move on. Sometimes after six months. Sometimes after a year. Sometimes after 18 months. The longest I was ever at a company for an uninterrupted stint was 9 years — but only because I kept moving within the company to other positions where I could start fresh.

Staying in one place wasn’t an option, because I didn’t understand my issues — that they were caused by TBI / CBI / concussive brain injury — and I didn’t know how to manage them.

Now, though, I actually do have the skills built up to manage the overwhelm and the anxiety and the frustrations. There are far fewer disconnects between how I am and how I seem, than ever before. But no sooner do I get to a place in my life where I actually can settle in for the long haul… than the places I’m where working turn out to be even more unstable than my former ability to deal with long-term professional commitments.

They lay off lots of people. Or they restructure. Or they end up merging with another company.

Oh, the irony.

And part of me feels like, what’s the point? Why stick around? If all anyone can do, is reshuffle the deck and make it more difficult for me to just do what I signed up to do, why should I invest much energy at all in hanging in there?

Why, indeed?

So,there are two ways I can go with this — be disgusted by the whole thing and give up, or take it as an opportunity to just do what I please and make of it what I can. I’m pretty much on track to do the second…  although I do have my moments of doing the first.

I still don’t know what’s going to become of this job. Some days, I love it and never want to leave. But more often, I have to ask myself, what’s the point? In another six months, everything may change completely. And at this stage of my life, that’s a lot less appealing than it was, 25 years ago.

Basically, I just have to take it a day at a time… all the while thinking about my future, and keeping my own best interests in mind.

In other words, being realistic. But also willing to do what needs to be done.


Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

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