Good to push


Yesterday turned out to be a good day. As much as I was dreading going to the expo and working in the booth to talk with prospects, it actually turned out okay. I’m about the last person who chooses to go to a trade show – too much noise, too many people, too many distractions. And there were times last night that I wanted to just crawl into a corner and not deal with anyone or anything. But I hung in there, and in the end, I made some good contacts and did my job.

Considering that I did not know what to expect, or really know who would be asking about what, I did pretty well. And although I ave a terrible time thinking of things to say, the fact that everyone was a stranger was actually helpful. It’s easier, sometimes, for me to deal with strangers than familiar people. But once I forgot about myself and just waded in, it became easier and actually enjoyable, at times.

The anxiety was crippling, earlier in the day. Just the dread and the sick sinking feeling… I did not want to get out of bed after my afternoon nap, to go work the booth. But I’m here to do a job, so I did it. And I did it pretty well, if I say so, myself. I’m actually really good at engaging people and connecting. I lose sight of that, though. I have this long-standing belief about myself that I am not good at it, and  I so quickly lose sight of my abilities, in the face of the anxiety.

I need to be pushed, sometimes. I need to be forced to do things that I don’t think I can do well, but I actually do very well. And I need to push myself to develop my skills. I am such a creature of habit, so conditioned to think certain ways, it is difficult for me to really believe in myself, because my habits of thought are consumed by negativity and anxiety.  At least, some of them are consumed. I also have plenty of other habits of thought that are disciplined and positive and productive. And it’s those, that I need to focus on, staying strong and determined, not giving in to feelings that will pass, in any case.

Temporary feelings should never determine my long-term activities. Of course, they have, many, many times in the past, but I know know that I actually have a lot of strengths and good qualities that can kick in to keep me “centered and grounded”, as some of my yoga fan friends would say. So, I just need to focus on that. Push myself to learn, to grow, to get my head oriented properly again, and move forward the way I need to — and want to.



Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

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