If I don’t move, I’m toast

loggerhead-turtleI swam again yesterday. Good thing, too. I really needed it, and I’m finding new ways to turn into a real workout – different strokes for different folks, you might say.

And I’m feeling pretty good, these days. Not sleeping quite as much as I’d like, but that’s okay. For now.

The main thing is that I feel like I’ve “normalized”, so to speak, with my energy staying pretty steady, and feeling pretty good, overall. Even when I’m not feeling great.

Man, oh man, did that business trip really do a number on me. I’m still not back to 100%, a month later. I feel like it messed me up for weeks prior, and then the crush of that whole experience and the “re-entry” to my regular life, has all tossed things into the air.

And I don’t know if I really want them to come down.

I mean, things will come down. They will get sorted out, one way or another, but I’m not sure I’m really that interested in keeping on with this company in the future. They’re going through a big cultural shift, in a few more months… and then over the coming years. But it’s just more big-ness. And I don’t think big-ness is what I really want.

In all honesty, I’m kind of done with the whole climbing thing. I’m done with the politics. I’m done with having to worry about what so-and-so thinks of me, and what they might say to such-and-such a person. Please. Like I have nothing better to do with my time.

Plus, I’m not convinced that I’m making the kind of money I should be. I’m looking around at other jobs, other opportunities, and it seems to me I could be doing a heck of a lot more with myself, that’s more satisfying — and more connected. My current position is very solitary, and the older I get, the more I value interactions with other people — people like me, with common goals and intentions.

My current situation is very entrepreneurial, you could say. I’m an “army of one” in the company, and I have to piece everything together myself. When I joined up, it seemed like a great thing. But now it just feels really isolating and frustrating. And with everyone counting down to the merger, people are less inclined than ever to collaborate, share, team up. Everybody’s circling their wagons, keeping out intruders. And that includes me… at least, that’s the feeling I get.

Anyway, I have to look on the bright side… and remember that there’s a pool at work. An amazing, Olympic-sized pool that’s clean and well-tended. And I’m not being constantly harassed and hassled by everyone around me. I need to find a good balance… and also keep an eye out for what’s next. Because who knows what will happen in another couple of months? You never know.

It’s exciting. And not.

So, I have to keep moving. Keep my eyes on the prize of my future, and keep my own goals and plans in mind. I have to remember just how far I’ve actually come in the past 10 years, and be thankful for that. These kinds of problems are really great problems to have, and this is far beyond what I expected to be possible, even just five years ago. So much has changed. And for the better.

The main thing is to not get stagnant. To keep my goals and plans in mind, and continuously move towards them. Steady progress. Always steady progress.


Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

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