Life is pretty crazy for me, right now. And it’s not going to get less crazy, anytime soon.
So, I need to create systems for myself… and stick with them.
I’ve got a pretty good system down for getting to bed at a decent hour. I just need to work on my ability to get as much sleep as I need.
Last weekend, I lost a day to socializing — a day I usually spend catching up with myself, my chores, my sleep. I spent the afternoon with some friends, instead of taking care of myself and catching up on my sleep. I really feel it now. They want to get together this coming Saturday, but I just can’t do it. Frankly, we spent the whole time discussing one person’s dysfunctional life — which has been caused by poor decision-making. It was very stressful to listen to, because they just weren’t all that coherent — and they were constantly apologizing for it, rather than doing something about it.
Plus, we were meeting in a Starbucks in a busy part of town, so there was constant noise, constant foot traffic, constant interruption, which made it hard for me to hear and also concentrate. It was exhausting to be honest. And there was an hour drive to and from – both directions.
That sort of activity doesn’t work for me. If I’m going to spend time on anything, it needs to be productive and beneficial for me, not just everyone else. I didn’t enjoy myself that much, to be honest. It was fine to be social, but then again, I get that at work, each day — way too much, each day, to be honest. When the weekend comes, I just want to drop.
So, this coming weekend, I’m doing just that — dropping. I’ve told them I can’t make it, and I need to stick with that. I have so little time to myself, I can’t spend what little I have on people who offer me nothing in return.
Anyway, I need to sort out my systems. Get myself on a better schedule with work. Take things a bit at a time, and plan things better in advance. I have a bunch of stuff I need to do with my house — fall cleaning, getting ready for winter — and most of all, I have to take care of myself.
It’s no good pushing myself, especially over other people’s self-created problems. I’m sorry they are going through all that, but I have no patience for folks who wallow. Especially when I’m having so much trouble, myself, and am just dealing with it all.
I have been having trouble, lately. I’ve not been sleeping well. I’ve been waking up in pain from my legs and back, and then I can’t get back to sleep. I’ve been having terrible dreams about traveling and missing flights, forgetting my passport, losing track of time, feeling like I’m dying, being told I’m going to die, having people threatening to kill me. It just hasn’t been fun, lately, in my dreams. And that takes a toll on my days.
Of course, this will pass. I will figure it out. I will sort through things and find out what’s next… what’s coming down the pike. To get there, I just need to keep steady, keep focused on what’s important — and what’s not. Get my exercise — I rode my exercise bike for nearly an hour, this morning, and I lifted heavier weights, and later today I plan to swim. Eat properly — I’m eating big salads for lunch, I eat fresh fruit and a bowl of raisin bran instead of junk food to keep my energy up, and I drink about half a gallon of distilled water each day. Take care of my body, so I have the strength and stamina to make it through.
And I will make it through. I have my dark moments, with pauses of silent tears when no one is around and I can let down my defenses. But that’s all part of it, I suppose. There’s so much going on, I’m overwhelmed and terribly uncertain about my spouse’s and my future. I don’t know if I’m up to the challenge of caring for them, as they age in the coming years. I don’t know if I’m up to the challenge of interacting with all the doctors and various providers we deal with. Plus, my spouse’s PCP died last weekend, and he was the one who really kept them going, kept them motivated, and believed in them. Now we have to find another doctor … and that’s a big source of concern with me.
We just need to take things one at a time and figure it out as we go. Some things you can’t plan for. So, I need to keep strong and flexible, for those times when an emergency comes up, or I get hit by the unexpected.
That means sleeping. It means eating right. It means exercising religiously. Treating my body like my best friend, which it is, really.
One thing at a time, one day at a time… it’ll happen.