Getting my music together… again

equalizerI’m getting organized. I’ve got a lot of nervous energy in general, so I’m using it to collect the music I want to listen to into a central area. I’ve got a lot of music files in different places, on different thumb drives, here and there. I tend to forget where I have stuff, and now I’m going through my drives to see what’s what, and what’s where.

Yeah, I’ve got a lot of nervous energy. Yesterday, I was in overdrive with my list — I got about 3/4 of it done, till I ran out of steam. My goal was to finish everything on the list, and then take today OFF. But that’s not going to happen. I need to pace myself. Even if it means I never have a day off.

I’ve got to figure out how to get some of this stuff done during the week, so I can just take care of the really essential stuff on the weekends. And possibly — just possibly — rest. I’ve been doing better about watching my stress levels. I’m noticing just now tense I’m getting — at any point in time, I feel myself tensing up. And then I make myself relax… which is good. Time was, I couldn’t tell when I was really tense. Now I can. And it helps to just chill. At least, I think it does.

I’m nervous about the job situation – mostly about not knowing WTH is going to happen in my current position, how it affects me, and if any moves I make are going to make me worse off. I don’t know if the changes are going to favor me or not. It could be that I get a promotion. It could be that I just get moved to a different group. But I do know for sure that they are consolidating… and I’m in a role that’s a duplicate across organizations. I’m “long in the tooth” — an older employee who will be harder to get rid of, the older I get. I’m probably also more expensive than the folks at the acquiring company. They’re notorious for not paying their people well, and their offices are in a part of the country that’s much less expensive than here.

So, no matter what happens as a result of this re-org, the fact is, I’m never going to feel secure. I’m never going to feel safe. This is the second time in a row where I’ve been in this kind of situation — with a company going through downsizing and “right-sizing” (I hate that term). The company I was at before just laid off enough people to trigger the release of millions of federal dollars for retraining. So, that should tell you something.

And this existential anxiety is just not going to change, anytime soon, as long as I’m at this company. They are notorious for offshoring jobs. And their HQ is out in the middle of nowhere, where it’s cheap to pay people. And my position is duplicated elsewhere. And I haven’t been in front of other people long enough to have them truly value my work enough to go to bat for me. I’m not “in” with the right people. And this is an awful situation to be in.

So, I’ve been looking around for another job. It’s the only thing that makes sense. I found a couple of really good prospects, actually. And I’m updating my resume to fit each different scenario.

I contacted the hiring manager at one of my old companies about a position they just posted, which would be perfect for me to do, quite frankly. It’s basically fixing all the problems with the old website I used to manage. I can’t imagine why they would hire anyone else for that position. I’m pretty much of a no-brainer, actually. I also filled out the online application. I should tell the hiring manager that I applied.

God, how I would love to be able to fix all of the things that used to be wrong. I understand the problems users have, I understand how people work with technology in general, I understand how people at that company work, I understand the overall culture, and I really do miss the people I used to work with. I miss them so much, it pains me physically. And I would love to go back to work with them again.

The parent company is a problem. I really struggled under their overlordship for three of the four years I worked there. The one year I didn’t have troubles with the parent company, I struggled with my peers, who I never really connected with. There was a lot of animosity between us, at times, in part because of the direction I got from my bosses about how to interact with people.

And it really took a toll on me. It took a toll on our working relationships. It also fried my health. I was in a lot of physical pain, when I was there. And I didn’t do a good job of managing that.

The thing is, I was there from 2010 to 2014, when I was still in the relative beginning stages of my formal, organized, focused TBI recovery, and there were a lot of things wrong in my life (including major money problems which I thought were gonna kill me, at times). I wasn’t nearly as together as I am now. And I also didn’t have a good attitude about things. I was too brittle, too rigid, too stressed about too much. That took a toll. I was difficult to work with, at times.

And I wonder, considering how “all over the map” I was at that point, if they’re even going to consider me for the position, now. I left on touchy terms, and I wonder if they’ll hold that against me. They never got to see the full range of what I could do, partly because my bosses kept me from standing out and really shining. They kept opportunities from me, they didn’t tell me about things that people wanted me to do, they didn’t give me much help at all. It was all sink-or-swim with them, and mostly, I sank.

So, if it works out, great. I think. Or it could be horrible. In any case, I’ve reached out. I submitted my resume today, just to get in the system. And I sent a copy of it and my cover letter to the hiring manager, who probably has no idea about the depth and breadth of my experience, based on how I performed in the past.

If this works out (and they are willing to pay me what I’m looking for), it will truly be a testament to my recovery. I’m under no illusions about how fabulous it would be. And in fact, they may have no interest in me, because I don’t have a college degree. That would be too bad. But if that’s how they are, then I really don’t want to work there, anyway.

It feels good to get my act together and take action on my own behalf. It’s quite clear to me that I need to find a better, more stable situation than my current one. And I’m taking steps, which feels good.

Meanwhile, my music is getting collected into a central place, and I can start enjoying all those old songs I used to love, but forgot I had.

It’s all a process…



Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

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