Riding the waves… as they come

ocean waves crashing on each other
It’s not going to get any less “exciting” anytime soon.

Yesterday was a tough day. I was booked all morning, noon, and evening. I had to pace myself, because I was going from 6:30 a.m. till 8:30 p.m. I had to be ON the entire time… and I had to get my spouse to a couple of appointments. Doing my own thing was pretty smooth, but it was extremely difficult going, pretty much the entire time we were together.

First off, my spouse was late. We had to leave promptly at 12:45 to make it to the dentist in time without speeding or cutting it close. I had to lead two meetings at the office, first thing in the morning, so I couldn’t be at home to get them out of bed in time. They assured me that they’d be ready when I got home, but when I got there a little after 12, they were still in the shower. They’d just gotten up. And then they were in the shower for something like 20 minutes. So, by the time they got downstairs, it was already 12:40, and they had to collect all their stuff, put on their shoes (which I have to help them do), and I had to make them something to eat, which took a little time, as well.

So, we didn’t actually get on the road till 1:00, which put a lot of pressure on me.

They have been really bad about getting to the dentist, over the years. They’ve lost a tooth, had to have multiple root canals, they have ongoing trouble with plaque buildup, which pushes their teeth apart and causes their gums to recede. It’s not good. Their one saving grace is that they have very, very long roots to their teeth, so they’ve only lost one tooth in the process (towards the back, where you can’t see it). It’s like dragging a heavy wagon through mud in a pouring-down rainstorm, trying to get them to the dentist, and while yesterday was a bit less dramatic than usual, it was still a challenge.

I’ve been working really long hours, so I was already taxed. And I was fuzzy, foggy, not thinking properly — generally bumfuzzled. My spouse doesn’t take kindly to me when I’m in that state, and it didn’t take long for them to start yelling at me about doing this wrong, doing that wrong, etc. It certainly didn’t help that I nearly rear-ended a car that stopped short in front of me. That was close. But it didn’t happen. And the rest of the ride to the dentist (who’s located in a nearby city, about an hour away), was pretty challenging.

I’ve been more sensitive to pretty much everything – lights, noise, the feel of textures… and that puts me on edge. I haven’t been sleeping well. I’ve had a low-grade headache for days. We did get to the dentist on time, but I was in a daze the whole time, and it was pretty miserable for me. I made a wrong turn, which became a Major Deal — rather than getting back on track and just getting where we were going, I was reminded again and again about what I was doing wrong. And my spouse was ordering me to do things that just didn’t make any sense. We were both off-base, but they were absolutely convinced they were right.

So, the dentist happened. And that was fine. I got a chipped tooth fixed, as well as a filling replaced. After that, we had to rush to the post office to pick up a package. Then I had to get on a conference call with my team at work, to find out what’s happening with our jobs. Basically, there’s a new direction for our team, but it’s going to take a couple of years to get sorted out. I haven’t heard from my old company about the resume I submitted, and I’m up in the air about that – on the one hand, it would be great to work with everyone there again… on the other hand, there were significant challenges that took a pretty big toll.

I’m fine with what happens, either way. At my current employer, the role they have me in is pretty constrained, and I don’t have the opportunity to contribute as much from my full range of experience… as well as use that to grow — and earn — more. But it is what I make it, so I just have to make more of it, than I have been.

For the conference call, I had to drive while I was listening to the call, because my spouse had to be at another appointment for physical therapy. They haven’t been doing great with regard to their PT. They feel uncomfortable, so they just sit around (or sleep) and then their symptoms get worse.  I get pretty frustrated with all that, because I’m in almost constant pain, myself, and I don’t have the leisure to lie around — because my spouse does so much of it. It’s pretty irritating, hearing them complain about how awful they have it and how they need to take it easy, when I’m in the same boat, and if I take it easy, we don’t eat… or have a place to live.

Anyway, the drive to the PT session was an even more pungent steaming pile of doo-doo, because traffic was bad, and my spouse kept demanding that we take “the back way” as if that would solve everything. But the “back way” was twice as far, and all we had to do was stay steady in traffic and just get there. It’s bad enough when conditions are challenging, but when you’ve got someone sitting beside you constantly berating you and distracting you, it’s even worse.

I dropped them off at their session, then drove to a far end of the parking lot to chill out, decompress, and check my work email.

It was a much-needed break, because I had to get back home and get ready for a town meeting scheduled at 7. I’m on a town board that has intermittent meetings, and wouldn’t you know, it happened on one of the busiest days I’ve had in a long, long time. Of course it did. That’s how it usually goes, right?

Anyway, the board meeting went fine, and I got back home about 8:00. My spouse had gone out to pick up dinner, and they said they’d be back by the time I got home. But they were nowhere to be found. They called a little after 8 and said they’d be home shortly. But a good 30 minutes passed, and we actually didn’t eat dinner till 9:00, which totally screwed up my sleeping. Going to sleep on a full stomach is not a great thing, but I had no other choice.

No, I did have a choice. I could have just eaten half my sub and saved the rest for the next day.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Well, I slept, but I woke up after 6-1/2 hours, which is not good. I need 8 hours to function. So, now I’m going into another day with hours less sleep than I should be getting. This weekend, I hope to have some downtime. I have to help my spouse with an event this weekend — driving them to places they need to reach. I don’t trust them to drive on their own. They don’t do well, driving at night, and their judgment is not good. It’s not safe. It’s rapidly becoming less and less safe for them to drive, so I have to figure out a better way, than constantly either worrying about them, or doing the driving, myself. I have my own limits, and I have to take care of myself. This past time has not been helpful at all, and I see that I need to be smarter and more proactive about how I manage my time and energy.

I need to be able to look ahead, realistically estimate the level of effort required, and then plan ahead for when things are going to get tricky.

I am in a better position to pay someone to help out. And since I don’t need constant help, it would only be a couple times a month, probably. So, I could actually hire someone to help out. I’m starting to look around for that, now. I’ve got some ideas — and I’m pretty clear about when it needs to happen, so I can start laying the groundwork for it.

Speaking of groundwork, I need to get my own act in gear. I need to find a new doctor. My old doctor died, a little over a year ago, and now their office is pressuring me to keep being their patient — even though I really dislike the doctor who’s in charge, and we’ve had some heated “discussions” that left me feeling really disrespected and expected to just bow down and comply with everything the doctor was telling me to do.

I’m not going back there again. I need to find a better situation, for sure.

So, I’ll do that. I need to get my act in gear, in that regard. It all keeps coming at me… pretty fast, actually. And I need to step up.

So, I shall.

Onward.

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Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

One thought on “Riding the waves… as they come”

  1. So much going on. Short of the root canals, the dental issues seem par for the course of simply Getting older. If that helps at all. It sucks when you are expected to be so well organised with your medical issues and yet your spouse can’t pull it together to be a little more responsible. It is harder if they don’t get out to work and such as you do. It’s all a big ‘thing’ I know. Presuming the new Doctor you require is a GP(General Practicioner?)I highly recommend going to your local chemist to enquire who they recommend. Best advice I ever received from a grumpy old lady. Good luck. Cheers,H

    Liked by 1 person

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