I’m working from home today. I started the day with a 7:30 a.m. call with someone in Germany, then another call with a co-worker in Australia, and now I’m on a four-hour marathon of multiple conference calls.
My days have gotten a whole lot longer, as well as a whole lot more complicated, over the past 6 weeks. I’m not happy about this. Yes, I’m taking on more responsibility and my role is getting more visibility with the right people, so that’s good for my job security. I think… But my quality of life has dropped dramatically. I’m in constant reaction mode – along with all the other folks I work with. We’re so behind on our collective tasks, and I’m not sure when we’ll be dug out.
Everybody’s struggling, pretty much. We’re just so swamped. For me, though, I think the cost is higher, due to fatigue. I get tired, and then I don’t think as well. And when I don’t think as well, my life doesn’t go smoothly. And it adds to my stress. And that makes it harder to sleep.
I’ve been messing up making supper. And when I went to vote earlier this week, I accidentally voted for the wrong local candidate. Oh, well. I’m sure my vote will be canceled out by somebody else. But still, it’s a little disconcerting to see I’ve filled in the wrong circle. And there was no way of reversing it, because it was in that special black ink. A bunch of little things keep falling through the cracks. But what can I do? I try to get to bed at a decent time. And I’ve been doing pretty well with that. But it’s hard to get to sleep, lately. And then I wake up early. Which adds to my stress, because I really wanted to sleep.
It’s a vicious cycle. Once I start getting pulled down that whirlpool, it can be very difficult to get out. And being at the office — first, off, driving in during peak rush hour traffic, and then being constantly bombarded by a steady stream of interactions — just makes it worse. I lose track of what I’m supposed to be doing, and I lose track of what I’ve lost track of. It builds up. It adds up. And it piles more stress on top of it. I get stressed about being stressed.
So, I’m taking the day away from the office to actually get some things done. I have a lot to do, and it will be great to have some peace and quiet around me while I do it.
I also sorely need a nap today. I’m starting to get the “adrenaline shakes”, where my hands have a tremor whenever they’re resting. My stomach is in knots, over my concern about getting things done on time.
Of course, none of this is really that visible to others. I don’t want other people to know, and in fact, I can’t go around telling people how badly off I am. That’s not how my world works. If I let on, how much I’m struggling, it will cause others to doubt me — just at the time when I have to be the most reliable. Telling people about what’s happening with me, will hurt me more than help me. So, I just keep going… keep on… and maintain my steady focus… with the eventual confidence that things will get sorted out in due time.
I can manage this. I know what the deal is with me, and I know what it takes to keep myself going. So, that’s what I’m doing.
I am very much looking forward to actually getting something done.