Keeping safe, keeping sound, keeping rested

stick figures in different positions of falling over, standing upOne of the major long-term issues I have, thanks to all those mTBIs, is that I tend to get tired… but I don’t realize it, until I’m so tired I can’t rest enough to catch up. When I’m tired, my thinking is off — as in off. I get more impulsive, and I also get angry quickly. It kicks off a self-fulfilling prophecy of lots of activity, followed by increasing fatigue, followed by lots of activity (to pump myself up with adrenaline), leading to increasing fatigue…

And before I know it, I’m so tired, I can’t rest.

I’m tired. I’m wired. And I’m unbelievably impulsive. As in – reserve a new domain name and launch a new online business impulsive. As in – push myself to make poor choices that pump me full of adrenaline that make me feel like myself again, even though I’m putting myself in danger. These choices can range from driving while exhausted, to starting a  new thing before I finish something else, picking a fight with someone over something stupid, or staying up even later to watch a movie I’ve seen a hundred times before.

Of course, the whole “new thing” crashes before long, because I run out of steam, I implode, or I rapidly lose track of what I’m doing. And after I get a nap or a couple of good nights’ sleep, I realize what I’ve been doing – and I know for sure, it’s never going to work.

That happened to me, last weekend. I had a lot going on. Too much, as it turns out. And I was tired. I was tweaked about things going on at work, and I was feeling the burn of the long winter and a lack of sunlight. So, I pushed myself. And pushed myself. And I ended up frittering away a lot of time over the weekend on things that I didn’t need to be doing — that I shouldn’t have been doing. And I tired myself out, even more.

I didn’t exercise as much as I should have. Because I was tired.

I didn’t finish the things I’d started earlier in the week. Because I was tired.

And I ended up eating a lot of junk food to keep my energy up… and also due to an impending migraine. I get ravenous when a migraine is brewing. And I ate a bunch of stuff that put on some pounds, made me feel worse, and screwed up my energy… so I was more inclined to eat more junk food, stay up later, and basically waste my week.

I don’t have weeks to waste. Only in the past several years, have I even felt like a real human being, thanks to my TBI rehab. I’ve lived for decades in the shadows, not feeling even remotely real. I’ve struggled to keep up, year after year after year, and I’ve never had the kind of connection with my work that I have now. I can’t afford to waste any time in my life, because I only have this one. And I’ve been wanting to do so much, for so long, only to be blocked and thwarted at every turn… I can’t waste any time, now.

So, all that being said, it’s incredibly critical that I keep myself in line and properly manage my energy, my eating, my exercise.  And always keep in mind the fact that, just a few years ago, I wasn’t able to maintain this level of activity, let alone have a realistic expectation that I’d be able to live up to my plans and dreams. It was all just “throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks”.

Now, though, things are very different. Indeed, they are. And I have to keep that in mind, when I’m tempted to fritter away time on things that have no ultimate purpose.

It’s good to take a break, every now and then, but it’s important to stay on track and follow through. I can finally – finally – do that.

And I don’t want to take it for granted.

Onward.

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Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

8 thoughts on “Keeping safe, keeping sound, keeping rested”

  1. I hear you. I subscribe to the smash it out mentality. I seem to go out to appointments (I don’t work.) and it motivates me when I return home to continue with the things at home that require attention. But on the weekends the rules go out the window. And I sleep. It’s a vicious cycle but here we go? Cheers,H

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Wow. I felt like I was reading something that I wrote because I felt your words and it reminded me of myself. I wouldn’t be able to write it out as well as you did. You hit on so many things that I need to remind myself to do. Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel exactly the same,but I’ve been attributing it to my low testosterone levels. I got mild concussion with immediate loss of consciousness 8 years. I wonder if that could be taking its toll.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’d bet money that it’s a contributing factor. Neuroendocrinology is an emerging science, and there’s still a lot they have to learn. My hormone levels are more like someone 20 years older than me, according to the doctors, but who knows if that’s due to my TBIs? It may be hereditary, because some of my predecessors had something similar, but the TBIs could have hastened the process. I’ll never know, though, because by the time they figured this out, I’d been coping with it for 10 years, and it didn’t seem worth messing with my levels, when I’d gotten accustomed to the situation. I almost think it would make things worse. I’m used to my situation now, and I’ve developed coping skills that come in handy. Plus, not being constantly DRIVEN is actually kinda nice.

    Liked by 1 person

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