I’ve been thinking a lot about how my life has shaped up, over the years. I spent some time with my family, this past week, seeing some of my siblings I haven’t seen in quite some time – more than a year, in fact. We exchange emails, yes. We talk on the phone. We hear about each other from other family members.
But we don’t spend a lot of time in the same space.
This past week, I got that opportunity. And it was both frustrating and really good.
The frustrating part was feeling constantly judged and pushed to the side, because I don’t have a college degree, and I haven’t read all the books my parents have read. They’re very academically oriented, and they have read a ton of books. Their house is full of books – everywhere you look, in every single room, there are books. Bookshelves. Stacks of books that have no place to store them, or that are in the midst of being read.
A lot of those books I wouldn’t read, even if I had the time and the interest. I couldn’t sustain the attention with most of them, because they come from a very narrow point of view that my family holds. It’s a combination of politics and community activism and a whole lot of religion. Their world view is very much constrained by the world they live in — a close-knit community of like-minded individuals. They don’t have a lot of voluntary interaction with people not like them. At least, not beyond a superficial level. They do spend time with people different from them, and they interact with them a fair amount. But they don’t seem to be shaped much by those interactions, other than to reinforce their own philosophies and belief system. They’re very tightly connected with others like them, and they keep the rest of the diverse world at arm’s length.
That’s something I cannot relate to. At all.
See, I’ve always been drawn to “the outside world” — seeking out people different from myself, who have interests and perspectives totally different from my own. I’ve actively sought out strangers my entire life, immersing myself in foreign cultures of social groups which have been (and still are) at sharp odds with what my family believes and their overall value system(s). I’ve immersed myself in diversity in ways that they haven’t. And it’s certainly shaped me.
Anyway, as challenging as it was, being around my family, it makes me truly grateful for the life I have now. I’ve had to overcome a mountain of issues, which nobody (including my family) can see clearly, because it’s inside my head. They don’t see how my “wires” have been “re-routed” from multiple blows to the head over the course of my life. And they don’t see how hard I’ve had to work to get where I am. They have criticisms of me, galore, because of my failings. But they don’t see the invisible challenges I face, each and every day, so they can’t appreciate how hard I have to work, as well as how far I’ve come.
I can see it, though. I know all the difficulties I’ve had, and I understand what it’s taken me to get where I am today. I know how much it’s demanded of me, how much it’s required of me, how much I’ve had to sacrifice along the way, not only to keep myself moving forward, but also keeping myself safe.
It seems like every time I was getting on my feet and getting back to a baseline I could work from, I got hurt again. Or I had to deal with fallout from past mTBIs. Or things would get so crazy that I couldn’t keep it together. And so, I never moved forward.
I never finished college, because I ran out of money, and I also got into trouble with the law, thanks to my impulse issues and difficulty understanding what people were saying to me.
I also always had a household to support, so I didn’t have a lot of time left for myself, never mind the energy it would have taken to work and go to school. Yah, that wasn’t happening.
I’m in the life I lead now, doing work that I’d rather not be doing, because it’s the one sure way I can support my household. Well, it’s mostly sure — the job market is tricky, right now, and there are rolling layoffs happening at work. But I make better money at this, than at what I’d rather be doing — some sort of manual labor that gives me something to show for my work at the end of the day.
My family doesn’t see how much it bothers me, to be in my situation, because I don’t let on. I’m too proud to let it show. Plus, what’s the point in telling everyone how unhappy I am? There’s no point. I’m where I am in life as a result of unfortunate accidents, poor choices, and a fair amount of luck.
If they don’t get that, well, that’s on them. Not me.
Overall, I’ve got a good life. I really cannot complain. My choices and actions have put me here. Even if some of the dumb luck has set me back, it’s shaped me into the person I am, given me the opportunities I got, and it’s built me into someone I would respect, if I met them on the street.
So, even if it all has been really hard, it’s been well worth the effort.
And so, I’m grateful. For everything. Even the bad things that set me back. I can’t imagine where I’d be, if I hadn’t been forced to develop the skills I have now.
That wouldn’t be a good use of time. So, as ever… ON-ward…