when things fall down

things are pretty much falling down for me, these days

i don’t want to complain, and i’ve done enough commenting about how things have been developing for me, over the past years

unfortunately, the things that i’ve poured myself into have not panned out

and it seems like pretty much of a waste

i’m not sure what the point is, in doing all of this

no matter how hard i try, things don’t seem to ever turn out the way i plan, or even the way i need

maybe in the short-term, it looks like it, but over the long term… nope

all the things that looked like they were doing great — it’s all very precarious and fragile, and it doesn’t take much to wreck something that took years to build up

so why bother building it up?

seriously, why bother? if everything is so precarious and so easily wrecked, why sink a lot of time into it?

it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me

so, i’m backing off on my investment in a lot of things around me

there’s too much that’s out of my hands and beyond my control

i have no use for people who set me up for failure, and i have no use for people who sit by and don’t lend a helping hand and watch others slip into oblivion

i have no use for people who profit from others’ failures

which means i have no use for a lot of the people in my life, these days

everybody wants something, yes

and what do i get in the bargain?

everything is falling down for me, right now

and i don’t even know if i care

Author: brokenbrilliant

I am a long-term multiple (mild) Traumatic Brain Injury (mTBI or TBI) survivor who experienced assaults, falls, car accidents, sports-related injuries in the 1960s, '70s, '80s, and '90s. My last mild TBI was in 2004, but it was definitely the worst of the lot. I never received medical treatment for my injuries, some of which were sports injuries (and you have to get back in the game!), but I have been living very successfully with cognitive/behavioral (social, emotional, functional) symptoms and complications since I was a young kid. I’ve done it so well, in fact, that virtually nobody knows that I sustained those injuries… and the folks who do know, haven’t fully realized just how it’s impacted my life. It has impacted my life, however. In serious and debilitating ways. I’m coming out from behind the shields I’ve put up, in hopes of successfully addressing my own (invisible) challenges and helping others to see that sustaining a TBI is not the end of the world, and they can, in fact, live happy, fulfilled, productive lives in spite of it all.

12 thoughts on “when things fall down”

  1. You should not be discouraged. You do seem to have a pattern that is on repeat however you have kept the wheels turning. The roof over your heads and food on the table and the lights on? Othing has been a waste of time. Maybe it’s time to step sideways or in a slightly different direction? Can you teach? Don’t give up. Cheers,H

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh man, you’re scaring me. You have a lot of people out here that care about you and you did that by blogging about yourself–you made us care, so you have to keep soldiering on because we look up to you. Every setback is temporary, and every obstacle we overcome makes us stronger. Remember those other times when you felt hopeless but the Universe provided another way for you. It may not be what you want, but you will get what you need.
    One thing I did when I was feeling really low (a couple of my friends committed suicide, I lost my job and all my money, I was in constant pain) was to read Destiny of Souls by Dr. Michael Newton. It made me feel a lot better–that this isn’t the only time around and that what we are on the outside is only an inkling of what we are as Soul on the inside. And it goes on to talk about how we just might have chosen this life in advance as a method of learning the hardest way possible. It just made sense to me in a senseless world.
    I am going to be starting a non-profit soon; maybe you’d like some details on that. Get out of your own head right now because that’s the worst place for you to be–trust me, I know. Maybe you’re at a turning point where you are about to find your true mission in life. Maybe you can feel grateful because you are not a quadriplegic or so brain-damaged you need to live in a facility.
    This Too Shall Pass, My Friend and I Care About You

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My son has TBI due to brain surgery and autism (among other things) and I understand your poem all too well, although from a mom’s point of view. I always feel like the onslaught of behavioral and emotional setbacks are never ending. My hope for you is that this season of discouragement is brief.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for writing. That was one of my lowest points in a long time. But I’m back now. Hauled myself out of the pit of despair with a lot of hard work and focusing on one thing at a time. Also, reaching out for help at work when I needed it. Things will sort themselves out. The fatigue makes everything worse, but I’m getting my rest, now, and everything’s trending upwards again.

    Like

  5. Thank you for writing. I’m back to my “regular self” again, after getting off the pity-pot and getting down to work. Onward and upward, I say.

    And thank you again for your words.

    Like

  6. Thank you very much. Yes, the season was brief. I’m just concentrating on doing something positive to address these issues, and focus on the good. There’s plenty of bad in the world to concentrate on, but choosing good is a choice I need to make each day.

    And so, I do.

    Liked by 1 person

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