Putting Anxiety to Good Use

I had a really good weekend. I made a lot of progress, and I got a lot of plans in place that I think are really going to help me get stuff done. I didn’t clean my gutters, which I really needed to do. And there were a few other things I need to do this morning, to catch up. But all in all, it was a good and satisfying weekend.

My top achievement was getting rid of some serious distractions that have been pulling my attention in all different ways. Those are old projects I was very fond of… and that I was very fond of thinking I’d ever finish. As it turns out, because I had too many things going at the same time, I never advanced down the path I was hoping to, which resulted in me getting nothing done.

So, that’s stopped.

And that’s a big deal for me. Because distraction and dissipate have been regular themes in my life, for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure what’s changed with me, but suddenly I don’t feel drawn to spread myself so thin.

Part of it might be getting a hold of my anxiety. Or just using it for something productive, instead of trying to get rid of it entirely. For quite some time, I’ve tried to manage my anxiety by calming myself down. But at the end of last week, I realized that anxiety is actually a really potent source of energy for me. And it’s constant. It never really goes away.

So, I can use up all my time and energy and attention trying to control / manage something that’s always there, anyway. Or I can redirect the energy into something productive. And really kick it.

That’s what I’ve been doing for the past several days. Kicking it, using my anxiety. Not trying to calm myself down, but directing my energy into something useful. Making plans. Creating a new pace for myself. Letting that old companion anxiety propel me forward…  Turning that often-unwelcome companion into a friend.

And it’s working out pretty well, I have to say. After years and years of being so dissipated and distracted by, well, just about everything, I feel like I have a much better understanding of how my system works — and how it can work for me.

Of course, none of this would have been possible, if I hadn’t worked at my TBI recovery intentionally and with a lot of trial-and-error. I can tell my brain is behaving more, these days, because I’m actually able to focus. I used to be able to do it, at will. Then I fell in 2004, and that went away. I couldn’t manage much of anything, concentration-wise. That’s something that’s come back over time, with lots and lots of practice and (again) trial-and-error. I’ve let myself make mistakes. That’s how I learn. And I gave up worrying about “failure” in the process, which always helps.

So, yes. This is good. I’ve got my mandate for the next year — maybe two. I’m only focusing on one major project, for 2019, funneling my anxious energy into taking steps to do something about each hurdle I come up against — which are many. I will keep this blog going, because it helps me keep my head on straight and also keep focused on what’s most important to me. But I’m not working on a bunch of other side projects that I had going, lo those many years.

And, ironically, that tames my anxiety. Using it for something good not only lets it just be without judgment or blockage, but it also gives it somewhere to go. Like a rushing river, when I let it just flow and direct it in a certain direction, it takes me on some really interesting turns. Instead of damming it up and trying to control it, I just let it flow… and I ride that wave.

Which is good.

And overdue.

Onward.

Taking it easy… sort of

I’m doing my version of “taking it easy” today.

Basically, I’m working on my projects that have been on the back burner for weeks and weeks. Five weeks, pretty much. Count them – five. Ouch. Especially considering how psyched I was about finally getting back into them, about a month ago.

Then I had to travel.

Then I got tired.

Then I had to travel some more.

Then I was exhausted.

I’ve spent the past week swamped at work – two very late-night working sessions, and both nights not getting much sleep at all.

It was really demoralizing and depleting.

But — ha! — now I’m back.

I’ve had the whole day to myself today, to do as I pleased. And it’s been good. I didn’t do the errands I typically have to do on Saturday mornings, because, well, they’ll keep. Those errands aren’t going anywhere, and I needed the down time… the time to just sink into my passion projects and not be governed by someone else’s timeframes, deadlines, limitations.

Even though I worked really hard, this morning, it was very much a vacation from all the intense work at the office, as well as the care-taking for my spouse. Oh, also, my spouse has been ill, so I’ve been doing even more care-taking this week, than I did when we were traveling. And that’s a lot. Nearly constant attention paid. Lots of interruptions. And a trip to the doctor, as well as wrangling with the pharmacist who didn’t understand why I was asking all those questions about the type of medication that was prescribed. My spouse is extremely sensitive to meds, and the pills given before made them violently ill.

So, yeah. I’m going to ask questions. Too bad. At least I kept my wits about me and didn’t yell at anyone. That’s helpful.

Anyway, I spent a great deal of time this morning (and early afternoon) mapping out specific steps I can follow to make the most of my time and not make myself crazy in the process. Now that I have it figured out (mostly), I can move forward.

I hate not knowing what direction to take. It stops me. It blocks me. I’m not a fan.

Anyway, duty calls. I’ve got some things I must take care of this evening, so I’ll sign off for now. I am very much looking forward to this next week, when I’ll have five days off work… to continue to make progress.

 

Work lots, rest more

Yardwork has been my life for the past 2 days.

Now I have cleared almost all the leaves from my front and back yards, and I’m feeling it.

Oh, how I’m feeling it.

So, it’s time to rest. Recuperate. Take a few Advil and let sleep do its restorative work.

This feels incredibly good — not the pain I’m in, rather, the state of having gotten a whole lot done in the past 22 hours. I still have a ways to go, but I have made incredible progress. And my body will eventually get back to where it should be. More muscle for the winter. I can use it.

I have my running list of prep work. I still need to get the snowblower serviced, and I need to call the chimney guys to clean the flue and get the leaves out of my gutters. But that will happen. Heck, I might even fire up that little generator to see how it does with the pump. If I don’t have electricity, I don’t have running water, and that’s no good. I got myself a generator last year, but I never fired it up. I should do that. And test out running the well off the generator.

It’s all happening.

And it’s good.

Onward.

Not so angry, tired, or frustrated anymore – Who I was then, versus how I am now

Looking behind can help me move forward

I had a very productive weekend. A lot of folks tell me to slow down and do less, and it’s important to keep balanced. The thing is, I actually am able to keep balanced while doing more. Because I know how to do things in a pretty efficient way.

Plus, I have a ton of experience that I can use — and I do.

Only I do it much, much better than ever before.

Once upon a time, I was constantly driven to go-go-go, to do-do-do. It was a heady, exciting way to live. But it wore me out. I got tired. And then I lost sight of what I was doing and why I was doing it.

Of course, I had no idea that my history of TBIs was driving me, or how it was affecting me when I got tired.

Now I know. And now I can manage my energy levels — lie down and take a nap when I need one… get up and get to work, if I have the energy… and really pay attention to the things that mean the most to me, all along the way.

I think I’m still as driven as I was before. Maybe I’m even more driven…

• To heal
• To help
• To make a difference in the world
• To be a positive influence, no matter where I am
• To make dreams come true, for myself and others
• To really, really help

Because more is possible than anyone seems to believe anymore.

Yeah, I know… the world is in a mess. Political turmoil. Drama. Threats of war — or outright war. Territorial disputes. Money, power, influence, control. Everybody’s churned up, worked up, and telling tales of doom and gloom.

And I used to get so bent out of shape about things like this. As though there were anything I could do about it. And it wore me out. It tired me out, it made me anxious and agitated, and that was no good.

I had no idea how fatigue affected me.

So, I couldn’t manage it.

Angry, tired, frustrated. I was always that way. If I wasn’t all three of them (which was often), I was at least one of them.

And that was no good. It just stopped me at every turn — the fatigue, the agitation, the distractions.

Meanwhile, I had no idea why nothing ever worked out for me, long-term.

I thought about this a lot, this past weekend, as I was systematically working through my list of errands. Things I had to do for others. Things I needed to do for myself. I thought about all the years I spent working towards my dreams, only to have them fizzle out. And then never understanding why that was.

Now I know why it was. I got tired. Fatigued. And then I got distracted and scattered and angry and defeated.

I’m not blinded to that, anymore.

Now I know.

Now I can manage.

I don’t have to settle for less, anymore. I can actually finish things I’ve started.

And this is a very good thing.

Onward.

Keeping the foundation solid

I’ve been doing better about taking care of myself, lately.

I guess I just got to a point where I realized that pushing myself constantly wasn’t paying off. I’ve always been driven. I’ve always been motivated. I’ve always wanted more and I’ve wanted to see what all I was capable of doing and being and becoming.

I’ve lost sight of the basics more times than I can count, but that gets old after a while.

So, I’m focusing on the basics. I’m keeping my routine going, getting my exercise every single morning — sometimes pushing myself a little harder, sometimes taking it a little easier — eating right, taking care of business as I go through my day(s).

The more I focus on the basics, the more I tend to my foundation, the stronger I am, the more stable I am. And it puts things in perspective.

It’s Friday. I got up early – couldn’t sleep, partly because of work excitement, partly because of being excited about the weekend. I’ve had a few hours of productive working on my projects. I solved a big problem that had stumped me for the past few days. I’ve had my breakfast. I’ve had my big glass of water. And I’m moving forward.

With my foundation in place.

Solid.

Stable.

Good.

It wasn’t always this way, of course. 13 years ago, my life was starting to fall apart. I’d gotten a nasty concussion about a year before, and I had no idea how it was affecting me. Things were just dissolving, and I didn’t understand just how much they were. All I knew was, life had gotten about 1000 times harder than it had ever been. All I knew was, I was stressed out more than ever, I was having so much trouble concentrating, I was emotionally volatile, my temper was all over the place, and life was increasingly impossible.

I nearly lost everything.

Nearly.

What turned it around was simple — focusing on basics. Developing a routine and using checklists to keep myself on track. Getting to know myself again and figuring out how to get through my day in one piece, without losing it over every little thing.

It was simple. But it wasn’t easy. It took constant work. It took sustained focus. It took years.

But it was worth it. And I found that taking care of the basics, being consistent (even boring) was the key to getting back… getting back to myself… getting back to my dreams… restoring my abilities that I’d thought were gone for good.

It was worth it.

And it continues to be.

Focus on the basics. Master the fundamentals. Keep working, keep refining, keep “iterating” from one improvement to the next… and stay steady. Don’t give up. Just be stubbornly committed to my goals and objectives.

And rest. Plenty of rest, good food, clean water. Restoration of my energy stores.

Keep on. I just keep on.

And it works.

Onward.

Well, not *exactly* time off…

Most people think of vacation / time off, as an opportunity to kick back and relax, put the cares of the world on hold, and just float through life without a care in the world.

Those people, however, have very different lives from mine.

My “vacation” is a lot of work, actually. I’m off my routine, so I have to spend a lot of energy figuring out what’s next. Regular mealtimes and menu items are different. I’m fixing three meals a day for my spouse and me, instead of just breakfast for me, then supper for us both. I have to help my spouse get around, as they have limited mobility and need extra time and help just standing up and moving from place to place. Everything moves at a slower pace, and I don’t get as many spontaneous opportunities to discharge a lot of the energy I have.

And when I do kick into high gear, it disorients my spouse and they get pissed off at me for moving too fast.

So, I work around it. I have to. I go out into the day and run around. I sprint across parking lots. I lift and carry twice as much stuff as I normally do. I intersperse my slow times with intervals of bursting energy – flash, flash, flash – and then “back it down” for my spouse’s benefit.

Last time we took a week’s vacation, I lost a couple pounds, by the end of the week. So, it’s really not so bad.

It’s good to change up the routine, in any case.

And find peace where I can. Excitement where I can. Enjoyment where I can. Life for me is less about having things handed to me — like opportunity — and more about finding what I’m looking for when I need it. Seeing opportunity where nobody else does. Finding peace in the center of the storm. Making my own excitement.

It’s all a big swirl of potential, to me. My job is to find the experiences and the chances I’m looking for, in the midst of it all, and see what I can do to bring them to life.

That takes work. It takes concentration. It also takes patience and willingness to stick with things that put most people off. Needless to say, I’m up for it — and in the end, it’s an investment of my resources that truly pays off. My TBI recovery is a case in point.

So, while the fantasy of having a whole week “off” work is appealing, the fact of the matter is, I’m just trading one kind of work for another. But in the end, that’s how I want it. And even if I weren’t loaded up with all sorts of extra domestic things to do, I’d find other work to occupy me. That’s how I roll.

Onward.

Back at it…

The last few days have been extremely busy. Jam-packed with work, from 8 a.m. till 6 p.m.

And then I need to head home, buy supper on the way, make supper, eat supper, go to bed.

I’m tired of this. But I keep at it. Because it’s what I do, it pays the bills, and who knows what’s around the corner?

My work situation us changing – my group got moved to another organization, and now we find out (in a few months) how it’s all going to shake out. They will probably break up our group, because a small group of people do many things, each, whereas in the team we joined, people tend to have one job, not five (like I do, now).

They just have to figure out where to put us.

Personally, I’m fine with this. I hate how things are done in my current group. It’s too jam-packed. Too compulsive. Too frantic. My boss works pretty much ’round the clock, and the rest of us are expected to, as well. That just doesn’t work for me.

It’s fair to say, I have a very low quality of life, right now. Even though my job seems secure, my mortgage is paid, I have food on the table, etc. And I do a really good impression of someone who’s positive and upbeat and a “catalyst for change”.

I’m just exhausted. And it’s hard to see the point of much of anything, when I’m feeling this wiped out… all the time.

But still, I have to keep myself going, because nothing lasts for ever, and I might just be able to find a new situation in the new year. I’m hanging tight, for the time being, waiting this out… waiting till I get my vacation time under my belt… I have three separate weeks off, between now and the end of the year, and I’m going to take advantage of it.

Cut my losses. Keep the dread and drama to a minimum. Just keep going. Just keep puttering around at my little projects and side interests.

Just keep on.

Every now and then, I find something that lifts my spirits. But every Thursday and Friday, like clockwork, my mood begins to plummet.

So, that being said — since I recognize it and know it — I can actually work with that. Just don’t pay any attention to the unhappiness that nags at me.  Just don’t jump to conclusions about how feeling bad at the end of the week translates into having a terrible life. I don’t have a terrible life. I have a pretty excellent life, in fact. And I can’t let the surface feeling I get — the tarnish on the normally shiny surface of my life — dim my view of everything around me.

Grab a rag and shine it up. Realize there’s more to the story than how I’m feeling at this very moment. Do what I can, when I can. And live my life.

Onward.

Picking up the pieces on my own weekend “island”

I’ve got a long weekend ahead of me. What shall I do with myself? Three days off, with no appointments, no obligations, no requirements… what a luxury this is.

It’s almost like going to my own desert island. My spouse wants to take it easy, too. They’ve been doing a lot, lately, with events every weekend, and some additional events in between. They lead community gatherings — drum circles, song circles, gatherings where people share meals and life lessons — and it’s a lot of work. I used to attend a lot of them, myself. But it got to be too much. I already have a full-time job and a handful of side projects that keep me more than busy.

I prefer it that way, actually. Keeping busy, keeping engaged, making things, coming up with new ideas… that’s what keeps me young. Feeling young, looking young, living young. It’s a challenge, at times, because fatigue gets me down, that whole brain fog thing sets in, I get angry and agitated, and everything feels like it’s melting around me… falling to pieces. Just falling away. And at those times I sometimes just don’t care about anything. Just don’t. Can’t be bothered.

I’m at the point now, where I’m fine with not being busy. I look back on how things have been in my life for the past however many decades — okay, let’s call it 34 years, since that’s how long I’ve been majority age and in control of my own life — all the time I’ve spent on my projects, doing and doing and doing some more… making things, exploring… all that…

What’s it been for?

What have I accomplished? What have I truly gotten done? I do all this work, and then what comes of it? Clearly, I’m not rich and famous. I’m doing okay with a house (mortgage) and a fairly reliable late model car (and car payment), but I have no financial safety net, I’m not entirely secure about my future, and I just feel like crap so much of the time.

Not that feeling like crap matters… It can’t matter, because then I’d never get anything done. If I only did the things I felt like doing, I’d be homeless. Being in pain, being tired, being confused, being overwhelmed… that’s the price I pay for what I have, and if I let it get to me and give in to it, then everything falls apart. Part of me wishes I could fall back on my diminished state as a reason not to move forward. To file for disability (not that I’d get it, because I obviously am capable of working). I’d love to just check out for a while. Decide what else I want to do…

Well, I have three days to chill, so I’ll do that. I actually have more like 3-1/2 days, because everybody’s going to be gone as of noon, today, making a run for it for the last long weekend hurrah till the holidays. And we all know the holidays are no simple walk in the park, so do they even count as time off?

It’s all relative, of course. And things may be changing with my job, since my group got moved to a different organization. We’ll see how that goes. In the meantime, I’m submitting my resume for other jobs, not expecting much, but also not chasing after things. It never works out, when I chase. Plus, it’s exhausting.

So, this week is really for chilling out and giving myself some room to breathe. I can go out for walks down the road. Or I can stay in bed and read. Or I can sit around and watch movies all afternoon. Or I can spend extra time exercising, since I’ll have the time to spend. My choice. Time to take the pressure off, and just BE.

I got almost 10 hours of sleep, last night. Nothing short of a miracle, considering how little sleep I’ve been getting lately. I plan to get even more this weekend.

Onward.

The adventure continues.

Yeah, I just get tired…

As much as I want to quit my job (and after the past month, I really do), I’m going to stay put, most likely.

I just get tired.

Very, very tired.

And when I’m wiped out, nothing is good, my productivity slips, I don’t feel connected to anyone or anything or any of the work I do. I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate the world.

Or, I get too tired to feel strongly about anything. And I just drift into a sense of meh.

And sometimes that’s the worst thing of all. Feeling strongly negative about anything is at least feeling something.

Meh… that’s feeling… nothing.

I wish I could bottle this feeling and sell it. I know a lot of people who spend good money trying to get to this state of numbness, feeling nothing. I’d be rich.

The weird thing about it is that the weather has been fantastic, lately. I’m far from the storms in Texas, and the autumn is now picking up speed. The days are getting shorter. The shadows are lengthening. It’s cool at night — cool enough to turn on the heat. I’ve been looking forward to these days for weeks and months, now… and yet, I find myself so tired.

Well, it’s only partly because of the season change. It’s also because of work. I have been so busy, just pushing and pushing to get things done. I haven’t had much time to think things through carefully — just in reaction mode all the time.

And then when I do have time to settle in and think… I’m all out of fuel. Wiped out. Zombie-fied.

Well, I have a long weekend coming up. And I’ll probably just check out tomorrow afternoon before the day is up. I may cut my day short at noon and go back to bed. Wish I could do that today, but I have a dr. appointment this afternoon, so there’s no rest for the weary. And then I have to join another couple of conference calls after the appointment.

Good heavens, how I’d love to just quit.

But not just yet. I’m really just tired.

Extra sleep – the key to my future plans

Roughly – this is how my thinking has been prioritized

I keep sleeping in past 8 a.m. This is new, since I returned from my business trip. This morning, my spouse had to wake me up at 8:15, asking if I was planning to go to work today.

Well, yes, I had planned on it. But if I don’t have to do it, so much the better 😉 No, really, I hoisted myself out of bed, did a shortened version of my morning exercises, and made my breakfast. Now I’ll do a quick post before taking off for the office.

I got 9-3/4 hours of sleep last night. I think that’s a record, of late. The last few nights, I’ve been sleeping from 10:30 till 7:45 — even past 8:00 — which has been putting me at close to 10 hours, for the past three nights.

And I didn’t even realize I was that tired.

I guess it’s all catching up with me — and not only from the business trip last week, but from the past 10+ years of grappling with sleep issues. I’ve been exhausted for so long, I don’t even know what it feels like to be fully rested. And my neuro thinks that it’s one of the root causes of my dizziness and lack of balance. My old neuropsych said that sounded “preposterous”, but if the brain is in charge (at least in part) of your sense of equilibrium as well as coordinating your movements, and your brain is tired, then doesn’t it make sense that a tired brain would lead to an un-balanced body / proprioceptive sense?

That seems common-sense to me. But I’ll let them fight it out on the experts front.

As for me, I’m actually sleeping, and while I do wake up during the night many times, I’m able to get right back to sleep and stay that way… and for 2-3 hours longer than is typical with me. It’s either that, or take a sleeping pill, which has been shown to cause rebound insomnia and is strongly cautioned against for people with brain injury. Now, that apparently happens after extended use, but even so. Why chance it?

Plus, not everyone metabolizes it the same way, so saying it’s benign in every single case — especially mine — is pushing it. And that’s beyond pointless. And a little worrying.

But on the bright side, my own situation is worlds better — at least for now. I may have to start setting a clock to wake me up by 8:30, if I don’t wake up, myself. I’m accustomed to waking up at 5:30, but I can do with out that, for sure.

Aside from the jet-lag and time-shift that came with the business trip, I think another thing that’s really helped me relax and sleep more, is taking some concerns off my plate. I’ve decided I’m not going to go back to school to finish up the B.A. I failed to get, 30 years ago. I was in trouble with the law, I was in trouble with my family, I couldn’t stay steady with anything I was doing, I was with a bad group of people who were very self-destructive, I was out of money, and I was too booze-addled to make good decisions. Finishing my degree just wasn’t possible.

My current employer pays for both graduate and undergrad education, so this would have been the perfect opportunity for me to finish my degree. But let’s be honest — there is no way I can hold down a full-time job, take care of my spouse, and take care of my own health, AND go to school, even part-time. Even doing one course, would be too much for me. Two to three hours of classes a week plus reading, plus studying for tests… with my learning differences, and my crushing fatigue… there is no way that could work.

So, after having this bright hope that I might be able to do it, I let that go a few weeks back. It feels like a surrender of something I’ve wanted with all my heart for so many years, but it just doesn’t make any sense. If I ever find a way to support myself that doesn’t involve being at an office and constantly dealing with people for 8-9 hours a day (and beyond that, considering all the emails and texts that come in at all hours), I’ll consider going back to school. But not if it puts me in debt. And not if it destroys my quality of life.

The wild thing is, ever since I let go of that plan/dream/ambition, I have felt so much more relaxed. Yes, it’s a loss. Yes, it’s disappointing. Yes, I kind of feel like I’ve failed. But this frees up that part of my brain that has been connecting my future success to the way I was always taught I could succeed – through getting degrees and adding qualifications and certifications that come from others.

As it turns out, I realize that I really am on a different path than that. I belong on the frontier. My great-great-grandparents were pioneers who traveled to the West when it opened up, and they paved the way for others to follow them. I’m actually not happy about some of the things they made possible — the Dust Bowl, rounding up Native Americans and putting them on reservations as well as genocide against this country’s first residents. That’s a hard legacy to carry. But at the core, at the center of it all, I am essentially a pioneer, not someone who settles spaces that others have opened up. And I’m the kind of person who thrives in unstructured environments where the rules have yet to be written.

So, I’m freeing up my “brain space” to make room for my new work direction. I’m making the most of my current job stability to really think about where and how I want to work in the future. I’m not rushing out to find a new job, right now, because I need time to think and really get clear about what I want to do. After years of hard work and sacrifice and doing a lot of jobs that I didn’t want to do because they were good experience, I’m finally at a place where I can literally pick and choose the direction I want to go in. I have the experience that others really, really need, and after years of rehabbing with a neuropsychologist, I once again have the temperament and behavioral control to work effectively with others.

I was this close to being able to do that, back in 2004, when I fell and got hurt. I was 18 months away from cashing in on my shares, that would have let me pay down my house and refinance the remainder at a very attractive rate. I was 18 months away from financial independence, which was no small feat for someone without a college degree, who everyone said would never get far in life because of my failure to complete pretty much anything I started. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it wasn’t an oncoming train. It was my future – the future I had worked so hard for.

Then I fell, and everything fell apart.

I’ve been rigidly locked onto the idea that I had to finish my degree, in order to get anywhere in life. But in fact, that falls back on thinking from when I was a teenager. As an adult, I’ve always been a pioneer, a leader, someone who ventures into spaces that haven’t yet been explored. The things I’ve done, have been things that nobody else thinks are possible.

But I know they’re possible, as do the others I work with.

Now I need to look again to the future and find where I need to be. Not just where I am right now, but where I need to be, on down the line. I want to make the best of everything I’ve got, and take it to the next level.

And so I shall.

Onward!

Holy smokes, it’s amazing what some extra sleep will do for you…