FYI – Stress and cell phone addiction

child with smartphone sitting on a benchSmartphone addiction is real.

And it can also make TBI recovery more difficult by affecting your sleep and getting you cranked up into a constant fight-flight state. Not having a lot of “screen time” after a concussion is a good idea for a lot of reasons. This is one of them.

Thanks to Ken Collins for sending along this great research paper:

Exercise rehabilitation for smartphone addiction

Hyunna Kim*

Abstract

Internet addiction after launching smartphone is becoming serious. Therefore this paper has attempted to sketch out the diverse addiction treatment and then check the feasibility of exercise rehabilitation. The reason to addict the internet or smartphone is personalized individual characters related personal psychological and emotional factors and social environmental factors around them. We have shown that 2 discernible approaches due to 2 different addiction causes: that is behavioral treatment and complementary treatment. In the behavioral treatment, cognitive behavioral approach (CBT) is representative methods for changing additive thoughts and behaviors. Motivational interviewing (MI) is also the brief approach for persons not ready to change their behavior. Mindfulness behavioral cognitive treatment (MBCT) also the adapted treatment based on CBT. There are different types following the emphatic point, mindfulness-based relapse prevention (MBRP) or mindfulness oriented recovery enhancement (MORE). It is apparent that therapeutic recreation, music therapy using drumming activity, and art therapy are useful complementary treatment. Exercise rehabilitation contained the systematic procedures and comprehensive activities compared to previous addiction treatments by contents and techniques. Exercise rehabilitation can treat both physical symptoms at first and mental problems in the next step. So more evidence-based exercise rehabilitation researches need to do, but it is highly probable that exercise rehab can apply for smartphone addiction.

Keywords: Smartphone addiction, Exercise rehabilitation, Cognitive behavioral therapy, Complementary treatment

INTRODUCTION

The penetration rate of smart phones in Korea was recorded 67.6% as the world’s #1 in June, 2013. This is 4.6 times of the world average penetration rate, 14.8% and 10% higher than Norway ranked to second higher penetration rate (55.0%). In the case of 2012, the “Anypang game” craze was exploding in Korea. The daily number of that game was 10milion. It means almost every people using smart phone played the Anypang (Jung, 2012).

According to the “2011 Internet Addiction Survey” by Korea Internet Development Agency and Communications Commission, 8.4% of Korean people were heavily addicted to the smartphone. Smartphone addiction ratio is higher than the entire internet addiction. Problem is that 11.4% of 10 generation 10.4% of 20 generation was addicted to the smartphone.

The cause of addiction is enormous convenient mobile computing function of smartphone such as portable media player, high speed Wi-Fi mobile system. Smartphone carrying in the hand can access the internet more easily and conveniently than PC. Great variety of apps and games for smartphone are being made.

The general form of internet addiction can be divided into a game, chat, pornography, but the smartphone addiction can create a new addition category such as SNS or app addition. In addition to, in comparison with other media, smartphone require more intervention and activity by subject, immediate connectivity and social interaction as a game affect to the game immersion and addiction.

Seoul Metropolitan Office of Education surveyed the habit of using internet of middle school and high school students in March, 2013. As the results, 6.51% of the total number of smartphone users used the phone excessively. Among them, 4,585 students (1.81%) were risky users; they cannot done properly school work, interpersonal relationship and feel psychological anxiety and loneliness without using smartphone (Online news, 2013).

Smartphone addiction is not a personal problem. Addiction to smartphone has induced serious abuses problems more and more, especially to young students. This is the time to find the way to rehabilitate from the smartphone addiction at the national level. As reviewing the previous study about internet addiction, the addition research for rehab is relatively young is still establishing its basic treatment. In the case of addiction, except the pharmacotherapy, the behavioral approach to stimulate cognition and behavior has been applied typically. One of outstanding features employed in this device is that various treatments have been approved to help addicted individuals.

The commission on youth protection in Korea developed internet addiction treatment and addiction model in 2004. After 2005 they accomplished youth family camp for internet addiction and natural cure programs with Korea green culture foundation in 2007 (the Commission on youth protection, 2008). Analyzed the camp and other addiction program, there is growing body of attempts to cure the addiction not just focusing on the classical treatment.

Therefore this paper attempts to review the addiction treatments concerning general addiction and smartphone addiction from previous researches and offer the possibility of exercise rehabilitation for smartphone addiction.

INTERNET AND SMARTPHONE ADDICTION

What is smartphone addiction?

There are 2 types of addiction, one is drug addiction such as drug, alcohol and the other is action behaviors such as game, internet, even smartphone. Unfortunately, internet addiction is resistant to treatment, entails significant risks and has high relapse rates (Block, 2008). In case of smartphone, there are little research has been conducted. Smartphone addiction has many aspects that are similar to those of internet addiction and as such the internet addiction criteria must be considered when developing smartphone addiction criteria. So this study searched internet addiction treatment program for curing the smartphone addiction.

The terms Internet addiction were identified based on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, VI-TR definition of substance abuse and pathological gambling (America Psychiatric Association, 2000), but currently it described under the category of impulse control disorder, not otherwise specified.

Dr. Ivan Goldberg first coined the term internet addiction disorder (IAD) for pathological, compulsive internet use (Brenner, 1997). Internet addiction is an overarching term characterizing five problematic Internet-related issues: cyber sexual addiction, cyber relationship addiction, net compulsions, information overload, and addiction to interactive computer games (Young et al., 1999). Symptoms of internet addiction include social isolation, family discord, divorce, academic failure, job loss and debt (Young et al., 1999).

Causes and symptoms

Approached form the early previous studies, the research has offered the reason why people are addicted to the internet. Internet addiction have relevance to 3 factors, that is specific characteristics of the internet, personal psychological and emotional characteristics and social-environmental characteristics (Choi and Han, 2006; Kim et al., 2006).

Generally people who have psychological and emotional characteristics such as depression, loneliness, social anxiety, impulsivity, distraction (Kim, 2001) easily to addict the internet. The place where internet access, the degree of time to use internet, peer relationships parenting types are also associated the addiction.

Internet addition shakes physical and psychological problems. It provokes physical symptoms such as dry eves, carpal tunnel syndrome, repetitive motion injuries, wrists, neck, back and shoulders, migraine headaches and numbness and pain in the thumb and the index and middle fingers. As Young’s research (1999), fifty-four percent of Internet addicts report a prior history of depression; 34% with anxiety disorder; and 52% with a history of alcohol and drug abuse.

ADDICTION TREATMENTS

Behavioral treatments

Following the previous studies, personal factors may play a key role in internet use and the development of internet addiction. Adolescent personality traits that correlated positively with internet addiction included high harm-avoidance, reward dependence, low self-esteem, and low cooperation (Weinstein and Lejoyeau, 2010). Poor academic achievement might be associated with low self-esteem and with behavioral problems such as sleep disorders, aggressive or depressive symptoms, dropping out of school, antisocial personality disorder and alcohol abuse (Valdez et al., 2011). Adolescents with poor academic achievements usually received less respect from surrounding people, and poor academic achievement might be associated with low self-esteem and with behavioral problems such as sleep disorders, aggressive or depressive symptoms, dropping out of school, antisocial personality disorder and alcohol abuse. Those kinds of feelings and isolation would make these adolescents to go online in a search for sense of belonging and self-satisfaction.

Most studies have focused on the relationships between psychological characteristics and internet addiction (Choi et al., 2006). Classical treatment had focused on individual factors such as low self-esteem and aggressive and depressive symptoms. The main issue of classic treatment is how to change personal feeling and thoughts.

Cognitive behavioral approach (CBT)

CBT is the typical mental health care for develop psychological symptoms such as obsessive-compulsive disorder. CBT can assist the individual with internet addiction disorder to recognize thoughts and feelings causing person to inappropriately use the computer to meet personal needs (Orzack, 1999).

Generally, CBT is an efficacious method of treating substance abuse, depression and anxiety to substance abuse issues and drug addiction. .Further to this, there is evidence to suggest that the use of integrated approaches in dealing with depression and alcohol abuse have a higher rate of success (Baker et al., 2010; Magil and Ray, 2009).

The term of CBT first appeared in scientific literature in the 1970s based on Beck’s theory and has since become the treatment of choice for a broad spectrum of behavioral, emotional and psychiatric problems. To date it has been empirically tested for a range of issues including anxiety disorders, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorders, eating disorders and addiction (Frank, 2004).

CBT is a fusion of 2 distinct traditions in psychology. CBT addresses the interaction of thoughts, emotions, physical sensations and behaviors. It uses cognitive processing helps clients to recognize negative thoughts and behavioral strategies help them identify helpful and unhelpful behavior.

The role of CBT is to carefully identify the biased cognitive processes that influence behavior and decision making and to shed light on both the process of relapse and the states of mind and reaction that leave a person vulnerable to old solutions. There are 5 stages to change behavior overtime. That is pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, maintenance and termination. In the pre-contemplation stage, therapist focus to break the denial that a serious problem with computer uses exists. In the contemplation stage, individual recognize the need for change, but the desire to change may not be substantial and feeling or being overwhelmed may exist. In the preparation stage, the individual is ready to establish a plan to address the problem. The maintenance sate begins when the individual feels he or she has control over computer use and is putting less energy into the behavioral change. The final stage, termination has the goal to prevent relapse.

CBT is not only about making specific and identified changes to thoughts and behaviors but also making clients their own therapists. This will enable them to apply the learning developed in and between sessions to life in general.

Motivational interviewing (MI)

MI is a brief, patient-centered, directive approach that emphasized personal choice and responsibility. Generally, MI is the greatest challenges facing substance use disorders treatment agencies. Mostly person who are addicted to something, they deny the problem and do not seek rehabilitate. So for persons who not ready to change their behavior on their own, MI may help (Merlo and Gold, 2008).

Mindfulness behavioral cognitive treatment (MBCT)

Zindel Segal and colleagues found a possible solution in practice of ‘mindfulness’– a type of meditation that helps people decenter from negative thoughts and associated sad moods (Segal, Williams and Teasdale, 2011). MBCT appeared to prevent relapse in patients who had experienced three and more episodes of depression. Addiction is in essence a habit. The addicted person is believed to act automatically or ‘mindlessly’ with little real awareness of the cues and that trigger substance misuse. The idea of promoting mindfulness could thus prove to importance in tackling addictions (Frank, 2004).

Mindfulness-based relapse prevention (MBRP) is another name of MBCT. MBRP is psych educational intervention that combines tradition cognitive-behavioral relapse prevention strategies with meditation training and mindful movement. The primary of goal of MBRP is to help patients tolerate uncomfortable states, like craving and to experience difficult emotions. Mindful movement includes light stretching and other basic gentle movement.

Mindfulness oriented recovery enhancement (MORE) is adapted from MBCT for depression treatment manual. MBRP and MORE is also the program focusing on meditative approaches to coping with cravings, as well as education and training about how to identify and skillfully change or mindfully let be, mental processes like thought suppression, aversion, and attachment (Garlandet al., 2011).

Complementary treatment

Previous studies have documented that an adolescent’s family environment is highly predictive for adolescent internet addiction (Nam, 2008). Moreover, a number of studies in South Korea have found family factors that influence internet addiction among adolescents. There are many researches about the relationships between protective factors such as parenting attitude, communication, and cohesion within families and internet addiction among adolescents (Hwang, 2000; Kim, 2001; Nam, 2008).

Complementary treatments have more focused on the environmental factors and use diverse activity for cure the internet addiction. There are many studies for finding the specific effective activities like music, art and even exercise for decreasing the rate of smartphone addition.

Therapeutic recreation

Therapeutic recreation is the professional intervention for leisure life. Therapeutic recreation is the purposeful and careful facilitation of quality leisure experiences and the development of personal and environmental strengths, which lead to greater well-being for people who, due to challenges they may experience in relation to illness, disability, or other life circumstances, need individualized assistance to achieve their goals and dreams (Anderson and Heyne, 2012). There are many facilitation techniques for gaining the goal.

Few studies have examined the effect that a resource such as leisure activities might have on the relationship between stress and health among elderly men. Data from the Normative Aging Study (NAS) were used to examine whether specific groups of leisure activities (social, solitary, and mixed activities; activities performed either alone or with others) moderated the effect of stress on the health of elderly men and whether there were differences in this effect between bereaved and non-bereaved men. The sample of 799 men was divided into two groups: a group bereaved of family and friends and a group of non-bereaved. Hierarchical regression analyses compared an initial model, a direct effect model, and a moderating model. The results indicate that for both groups of men, mixed leisure activities moderated the effect of stress on physical but not mental health. Additionally, for the bereaved group, social activities moderated the effects of stress on physical health. The negative effects of life stressors (other than bereavement) can be moderated by engaging in leisure activities for both bereaved and non-bereaved elderly men. Implications of the findings for future practice and research are discussed (Fitzpatrick et al., 2001).

Family and outdoor activities along with participative and supportive parental monitoring reduce the tendencies. Parental monitoring is inhibitors of adolescents Internet addiction. Thus adolescent should be supervised and monitored in their daily routines and encouraged to participate in family and outdoor activities. Further, adolescents should develop a positive attitude toward leisure and the skills to deter overdependence on online relationship (Chien et al., 2009)

Internet addicts can be a form of wrong leisure pattern. Internet addicts often encounter time-management problems. This means unbalanced time allocation and leisure boredom and unsatisfaction from unpleasant leisure activities may be motivated to seek another alternative – The Internet.

The high risk game addicted people not much leisure activity with families compared to low risk game addicted people. The more they addicted to the game, the more they want to get recreation activities or hobbies. They answered to participating leisure activity with friends (46.4%) or families (27.6%). 65.3% of young juvenile addicted the game want to participate family leisure activity. Unusual thing is students who are rich or have highly educated parents also were addicted to the game.

Music therapy: Drumming activities

Recent publications reveal the substance abuse rehab. Program has incorporated drumming and related community and shamanic activities into substance abuse treatment (Michel, 2003).

Drumming circles have important role as complementary addition therapy, particularly for repeated relapse and when other counseling modalities have failed.

Drumming enhances hypnotic susceptibility, increase relaxation and induces shamanic experiences (Mandell, 1980). Drumming and other rhythmic auditory stimulation impose a driving pattern on the brain, particularly in theta and alpha rages. Physiological changes associated with ASC facilitate healing and psychological relaxation: facilitating self-regulation of physiological processes: reducing tension, anxiety, and phobic reactions: manipulating psychosomatic effects; accessing unconscious information in visual symbolism and analogical representations; including interhemispheric fusion, synchronization and facilitating cognitive-emotional integration and social bonding affiliation (Mandell, 1980).

Art therapy

Park et al. (2009) applied the art therapy to game addiction juvenile for improving the self-control techniques. As a result, hostile attitude was decreased and social interaction with peer group and family members was increased.

THE APPLICABILITY OF EXERCISE REHABILITATION

Exercise rehabilitation has the evidence-based exercise science knowledge to address a wide range of physical and psychological problems. It use exercise programs for patient rehabilitation based on exercise science. It follows the scientific process. In the clinical subfield, baseline such as physical capacity, health information, medical history, work status, previous exercise experience need to be set. After assessment, supervised rehabilitation sessions conducted for achieving the stated goals. Exercise rehabilitation aims to recover not only musculo-articular rehabilitation after surgery, chronic pain or fatigue, neurological or metabolic conditions but also even psychological conditions such as depression and anxiety.

Smartphone addiction is psychological disorder appearing physical and psychological signs and symptoms. The person who addict the internet or smartphone not do much physical activities, they generally disregard their health, and also negative physical signs like carpal tunnel syndrome, poor posture, backaches, migraine headaches, poor personal hygiene, irregular eating, sleep deprivation, eye strain, dry eyes, lack of sleep can affect immune functioning and hormone secretion patterns, cardiovascular and digestive pattern (Diane, 2005).

Exercise rehabilitation can employ the first goal for recuperating their physical health on the surface. Moreover if they indulge in specific exercise program such as horseback riding or exercise gymnastics, treatment can be going on to the second stage. Mindfulness program is also based on yoga or physical activity for meditation. Exercise rehabilitation could seek mental changes through feeling of confidence, satisfaction, and new feeling of happiness.

DISCUSSION

There are many reasons to addiction, internet accessibility is also one of the most decisive factors for overuse by college students (Anderson, 2012; Lin and Tsai, 2002). When access is free and easy, college students tend to be vulnerable to becoming addicted to the internet (Kandell, 1998). In South Korea, anyone have easy internet access due to the nationwide internet infrastructure and may be vulnerable to pathological internet use. So fair is not fair internet and smartphone addiction. We need to regulate the internet and smartphone access.

To date, the Youth Internet Addiction rehab program was composed of classical treatment represented the behavioral and cognitive-behavioral approaches focusing on aware of the risk and severity about internet addiction, and learning the way to regulate their emotions then adjust their behaviors. In response to the increasing risk of internet addiction and its negative consequences, there is a need to explore intervention models. Unfortunately, a survey of the literature shows that there are settled only a few treatment programs for internet addiction, such as CBT and MI interventions, group therapy with a combination of Readiness to Change (RtC), (Orzack et al., 2006), as well as Reality therapy group counseling programs.

We examined by references about complementary treatment using many activities for curing the internet addiction rehabilitation based on the environmental addiction factor. Therapeutic recreation is much interested on the family leisure types, music therapy using drumming activity are hypnotic susceptibility, increase relaxation and induces shamanic experiences.

Exercise rehabilitation is not much utilize the internet addiction until now, but if given that young student were most addicted to the internet, exercise rehabilitation can be the efficient activity they want to participate and also help to grow their health and mental status.

CONCLUSIONS

This paper has attempted to sketch out the diverse addiction treatment and the feasibility of exercise rehabilitation. To capitulate briefly, we have shown that 2 discernible approaches: behavioral treatment and complementary treatment. The standard to divide the treatment for addiction have drown from the addiction path and causes. There are 2 factors to causing the addition; that is personalized individual characters and environmental factors around them. CBT is representative of classical methods for changing additive thoughts and behaviors. MI is also the brief approach for persona not ready to change their behavior. MCBT also the adapted treatment based on CBT. There are different types following the stressful point, MBRP or MORE. It is apparent that therapeutic recreation, music approach using drumming activity and art therapy are useful complementary treatment. In general terms, it is highly probable that exercise rehab can apply for smartphone addiction.

The argument which is the best program between behavioral treatment and complementary treatment is waste of time. What remains to be determined by the future research is the evidence-based certain addiction study revealing the significant factors. Exercise rehabilitation program can also one of main program for smartphone addiction but considerable work needs to be done.

Footnotes

CONFLICT OF INTEREST

No potential conflict of interest relevant to this article was reported.

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Articles from Journal of Exercise Rehabilitation are provided here courtesy of Korean Society of Exercise Rehabilitation

From J Exerc Rehabil. 2013 Dec; 9(6): 500–505.
Published online 2013 Dec 31. doi: 10.12965/jer.130080
PMCID: PMC3884868

Well, then, get some exercise. Move.

Bangkok traffic jam with cars and trucks and motorcycles all backed up below tram lines
Feeling a bit backed up, lately

I’ve been feeling a bit down, lately. Dragging. Drab. In pain. I’ve been having some tightness around my ribcage that really hurts when I laugh. I can’t remember doing anything to myself – – no recent injury. Just maybe sleeping on it wrong.

I’ve been feeling down, too. Just a low-level depression. The Catch-22 situation with my neuropsych — if I really go into great detail about how much help I need, then I get bumped down in the proverbial pecking order and end up stigmatized (and potentially looking at higher insurance rates, on down the line, if the current health coverage changes go through). But if I don’t enumerate all the different ways I need support, I can’t ask for it. Literally, it’s Catch-22.

I think I’ll read that book again. I think I read it years ago, and I need to read it again.

I really have to take matters into my own hand, in this regard. I’m not disabled enough to require outside help to function at a basic level. That can be arranged. I have the means to do that, and I have books and information at my disposal to expand my understanding about what’s going on. I need to just do that. Take matters into my own hands, and reach out to others for help with clarification.

I’ve signed up for some free online courses about the brain. I need to stagger then, so I’m only taking one at a time. I think I’m going to use those online courses — and access to the instructors — as a professional reference point. I’m not actually getting the kind of assistance I want from the NP I’m working with now, so I’ll branch out and cover myself in other ways.

As for my day-to-day, I need to get myself back on track. I haven’t been exercising as much as I should. I’ve been locked on target with some projects I’m working on — as frustrating as it is, my work situation is keeping me busy — and I’ve been sitting too much, moving too little. I have all-day workshops today and tomorrow, which I can easily do, just sitting down all day.

That’s no good. I need to get up and move on a regular basis. I have a lot of energy, and if I don’t move, that energy tends to “back up” like a lot of traffic trying to cram its way through a narrow space.

That can be fixed, though. I exercised more today than I have been, lately, and now I actually feel better. It’s amazing, how much a bit of movement will do — especially lifting weights. Even if they’re not very heavy, still, the motion and the resistance is good for me.

I’m also working from home today, so I can walk around the house while I’m on the phone. That’s the magic of a mobile phone — it’s mobile. Tomorrow, I can walk around, too. I just need to listen in, so I can walk around the building while I’m listening. It’s not hard. I just need to do it.

And so I will.

I’m feeling better better today about my future prospects than I have been, lately. I got plenty of sleep, last night (almost 9 hours), I did a full set of exercises, I had a good breakfast, and I’ve got a path forward charted for moving forward.

I believe I can trust myself, and that I have the ability to see where I’m falling short. I trust that I can research and reach out for ideas to address issues that arise. The main thing is really to keep on top of things. Take responsibility for myself. Do what I  know I need to do. And just keep moving on.

The world’s a big place with a lot of different options. I just need to make the most of the opportunities I have, keep focused on my end goals, look for opportunities, and keep moving forward.

Will the world step up and help me with my problems? Not if I don’t ask.

Do I need other people to help me at every turn? Sometimes yes. Sometimes no. The main thing is that I help myself, using what assistance I’ve gotten from others and the resources I have on hand.

I’m in a very fortunate situation, where I have the ability and the available resources (time, energy, attention, interest — even if money’s missing) to take care of myself. So, I’ll do that.

A new chapter is on the way, and I’m actually looking forward to what’s to come.

When things don’t turn out… as expected

sunset and clouds reflected in waterI can be really miserable to live with, when I wake up after a nap. Especially if I’ve slept more than 30 minutes. Resetting my system to regular life after being “down” is difficult.

A tired brain is an agitated brain, and that’s certainly true for me. Ever since my mTBI in 2004, I’ve been much more prone to anger when I’m tired. It’s neurological. And it’s not much fun.

Yesterday, I was pretty tired. And I was pretty agitated last evening. Cranky. Fighting over every little thing. Grousing and grumbling and having trouble with basic communication. Yelling was my default mode, last evening.

And we were supposed to be on vacation… My spouse and I had a 5-day vacation planned at a waterfront resort about 3 hours from our place. We’d planned on leaving at noon on Thursday, getting there around 3:00… unpack the car, go grab an early supper, and watch sunset over the water. Then we’d turn in, and have the next four days to chill out.

Well, none of that actually happened. My spouse couldn’t get up till noon — too tired. Okay… I adjusted. It did give me time to catch up on my own chores, packing, preparations. The three-hour drive turned into a 5-hour meander through the countryside, which was actually really nice. The weather was gorgeous, and we stopped at a little scenic spot where we relaxed and napped. So, I got about 30 minutes of sleep, which was great. I didn’t even realize how tired I was, till I put the seat back in the car and closed my eyes.

When we woke up, we drove to the resort town, stopping along the way to get some hot soup, which was delicious. It was getting late, so we skipped going to the condo and went right to the beach, where we watched an amazingly beautiful sunset that lasted for an hour, with the amazing afterglow.

Then we drove around some more, exploring the surrounding countryside in the dark. That might sound strange, but we love to do that. There are woody areas where wildlife comes out — we’ve seen foxes, coyotes, bats, raccoons, opossums in those woods, and we always like seeing what happens. We actually did see two big coyotes — one of them ran out in front of the car, but I braked in time. Whatever they’ve been eating, they’ve been well-nourished, that’s for sure.

We picked up some groceries at the local supermarket, then went on to our condo. The management folks just left the door open and a key on the dining room table. I parked in temporary parking and commenced hauling our 12 bags up the flight of stairs to the upstairs unit. We’d packed 5 clothing bags, 2 bags of books and laptop, 4 bags of food we brought, and one bag of beach shoes. That wasn’t counting the clothes on hangers or the beach supplies — we like to travel comfortably, and we also like to have our own food, so there’s always a lot to carry in.

My spouse was moving slowly, since they’ve got limited mobility, so I had everything in the unit before they got into the condo.

When they got inside, however, something was amiss. There was a strong chemical smell — and in fact, there was a sign out front announcing work being done by painters — interior and exterior. My spouse started to have a really bad allergic reaction, sneezing and coughing and throat closing up. It was really bad. We opened all the windows and got some fans running, but after an hour of that, it was clear that we weren’t going to be able to stay the night — or the whole long weekend.

So much for vacation.

There was no way we could stay. I was also starting to get a sick, throbbing headache, which wasn’t good. If a migraine gets hold of me, that’s pretty much the end of me, for days to come. Neither of us could chance it. So, I hauled our 12 bags back down to the car, we closed up the place, and came home.

We got  home around 2:00 a.m., which wasn’t bad, actually. And I got in bed by 2:30. I slept till around 8, so that was better than some nights, lately. I’ve been having trouble sleeping, so actually, Thursday night was kind of par for the course.

Except Friday I woke up even more exhausted than usual. Doing all that driving — about 8 hours, give or take — and packing and caretaking and attending and adjusting… it just took it out of me, and 5.5 hours of sleep didn’t patch things up. I had a little 1.5 hour nap in the afternoon, but again, that didn’t do much for me.

So, by Friday night, I was pretty agitated. I was off my regular schedule, which is always a challenge — even if it’s for doing fun things. And I was tired. And my spouse was upset about having to leave. I personally didn’t care about leaving. Vacations with them are never, ever relaxing. It’s one request after another, constantly helping them with… everything. Their mobility has gotten worse and worse, and their thinking is not great. They have not taken good care of themself, mentally, emotionally, or physically, and after years of neglect, it’s all coming to a head.

The whole experience is pretty crushing, actually. Watching someone you love with all your heart decline… and being helpless to stop the downward slide… that’s not my favorite thing. At all. There’s so much they could be doing, so much that we’ve discussed them doing, so much they intended to do, but can’t seem to do by themself… it just doesn’t get done. And they get worse and worse off, as time goes on. I have no idea how much longer this is going to go on, but when it’s all over, I doubt I’ll have any interest in re-marrying. It’s just one long slog for me, and I need a break.

But so it goes, sometimes. I’m not the first person to watch their beloved decline before their very eyes. But it still takes a lot out of me.

And that was probably one of the things that got to me so much yesterday. I was tired, yes. I was agitated, yes. And I was also heartbroken that my spouse can’t keep up. Through the results of their own choices, their own actions. It’s crushing to see that — and realize that you probably care about your beloved more than they care about themself.

But like I said, that’s how it goes, sometimes. I’ve had friends whose spouses completely bailed on taking care of themselves, too, and I’ve watched them either get divorced or just fade away. I’m in the latter category. I’m not getting divorced — I don’t have the heart to do that, just bail on my ailing spouse. I’m just going to watch all this slowly fade away.

And take care of myself in the process. Because I still have a lot of life in me, and I’m not about to let someone else’s choices bring me down. We all have choices to make, we all have ways we can help ourselves. I can’t always help others — even the person closest to me — but I can certainly help myself.

And so I shall.

Whatever else happens.

Vacation time

road leading into the distance, with country landscape surrounding it
The road ahead is a lot more straightforward than the road behind me was

I actually get a few days off work, starting today. Well, starting at 11:00 today — I have a meeting at 10:30 that I have to lead. But then, I’m done.

It’s been a really challenging time, lately. Morale is terrible at work, and it’s like wading through thick, sticky mud, trying to get anything done. My own morale is not great, I have to say, but I keep on with my work, regardless.  For me, the real pleasure comes from actually being able to DO the work. 10 years ago, that wasn’t the case. I was pretty much of a series of accidents waiting to happen.

  • My short-term working memory was shot.
  • I couldn’t understand what people were saying to me.
  • My ability to plan and follow through was negligible.
  • My temper was short, and the recovery time was long.
  • My spouse was afraid of me.
  • I couldn’t seem to keep a job for more than 9 months at a time – and that was pushing it, for me.

It’s all very different now, thank heavens. I’ve worked at it. I’ve rehabbed myself. I’ve pulled out all the stops to figure out how to restore myself to my former abilities — and the very positive thing is, I’ve actually exceeded my former abilities. I now have much better skills than I had before my mTBI-inducing accident in 2004. Because I could finally see what was going wrong with me, I got help from someone who could assist me, and I worked at it.

Every single day.

It was my other full-time job.

I have to constantly keep this in mind, because it’s so easy to forget. I get caught up in my daily life, I get wrapped up in my everyday experiences, and I lose sight of the fact of how far I’ve come. I get tired. Every day, I’m wiped out at the end of it all, which makes it difficult to be thankful for anything. It makes it difficult to even think or keep my temper cool. Lately, I’ve been snapping a little more in the evening than I’d like, and that’s got to stop.

I’m hoping a good vacation will help with that. Even if it’s just for a long weekend at a waterfront down three hours away. It’s something. It’s a break from the regular grind. And it’s a much-needed “reset” for both myself and my spouse.

So, as I go through my daily life, these days, surrounded by people who are none too happy to be at work and who are deeply fearful about their future, I think about how much I have to be grateful for. I think about how much better I’m doing that I was in 2007. And I think about how much farther I have to go.

Once upon a time, all my dreams had evaporated. Once upon a time, I could see no clear path forward. Once upon a time, my life was collapsing around me, and I didn’t know why.

It’s not like that, anymore.

I’ve come a long, long way.

And I never want to lose sight of that.

Emotional/Behavioural Changes after Brain Injury – Part 1

lightning striking the ground under dark clouds
Sometimes the storm seems to come out of nowhere.

From The Toronto Acquired Brain Injury Network.

My comments are in bold like this.

Emotional/Behavioural Changes

Some people are left with changes in emotional reaction or behaviour after a brain injury. These are more difficult to see than physical or cognitive changes. However, they can be the most difficult for the person and their family to deal with.

BB: I had no idea that a TBI would affect me emotionally, or change the way I acted. Like so many people, I figured that a bump on the head was just an external thing. I'd feel pain on my scalp, and maybe I'd feel a little woozy, but it would clear up in a few minutes... or hours. How wrong I was - so many times. Emotional and behavioral issues have been the bane of my existence (and my family's) for years and years, starting back in my childhood when my behavior was erratic, and my emotions were volatile.

Not everybody will experience these problems and their severity will also vary.

BB: The severity can vary from person to person, as well as from situation to situation. With me, I can be fine, one day... be not-so-great (but seem fine), the next... and then completely lose it a few days later. It's often cumulative, but nobody on the outside sees it building up. That happens inside. Where nobody can see. And when it erupts... hooo boy.
fireball explosion
The problem for me, is that when I blow up, it puts people off, and then they think that's how I always am... and then they walk on eggshells about it, all the time.

And I sometimes never get a second chance, because they've made up their minds about me in a negative way.

Agitation

This frequently occurs at a very early stage after the injury. It can be a coping mechanism for the person, who may be disorientated and very confused. It is most often a stage a person passes through, rather than a permanent change. Examples include: restlessness, pacing and pulling at intravenous tubes.

BB: I've been extremely fortunate to never having had intravenous tubes to pull at, but I know the feeling of not being able to sit still, being extremely agitated - especially after a TBI. A number of times, I can recollect getting hit in the head, and then being flooded with agitation and an overpowering need to MOVE! Like when I got hurt during an informal pick-up soccer game in high school, after the hit, when I was lying there, dazed and confused, I suddenly felt like I'd been given super-powers, and I leaped up and started playing like a crazy person. I don't think I played better than I had before I got hit, but I felt like I did. And I was ON FIRE - or so I thought.

In another soccer game, when I got my bell rung, I knew I'd been hurt, but I felt this incredible urge to GET UP AND GO!!! And I started racing around the field -- in the wrong direction, no less. I nearly scored on my own team, which I think was a red flag for everybody on the sidelines. I did get taken out of that game, and I paced the sidelines in confusion and anger, because I NEEDED TO BE IN THERE! But it was wise to pull me from the game. I was not in good shape, at all.

So, while agitation may be a coping mechanism for some, as they say above, I suspect it also has to do with the mechanism of the brain - the release of all those chemicals, and the general confusion that causes. The brain is trying to figure things out - plus, it's firing on ALL cylinders, like there's no tomorrow. In addition to being a behavioral coping mechanism, it's a result of the brain's basic function.

Explosive anger and irritability

If there has been damage to the part of the brain that controls emotional behaviour and the ability to tolerate frustration, emotions can swing to extremes. The stress of coping with even minor crises, such as misplaced shoes or a noisy vacuum cleaner, can be too much and trigger an angry outburst. If these stresses can be identified, it may be possible to reduce them.

BB: Amen to this. The part of the brain that controls emotions is particularly susceptible, as it's out in front and there are so many types of injury that can affect it. Car accidents, where your brain slams up against the inside of the skull... or tackles that snap your head back and forth... falls, etc. Minor events can turn into crises -- just being blindsided by a sudden change or something unexpected happening, can set me off. Little things can turn into huge things, in an instant. One minute, I'm fine, then all of a sudden, it's off to the races with emotional overload and over-reaction.
galloping horse
Prolonged stress will also do a number on me, as will fatigue. The more tired I am, the more irritable I get - a tired brain is an agitated brain. And when I get too agitated, it's not cool.

Sudden outbursts... extreme reactions... it's all part of a day in the life for me, sometimes. Unless I can get enough sleep and take good care of myself. If I can keep on my schedule and be smart about eating and drinking enough water, that helps. So does meditation and just taking time to chill out. 

Lack of awareness and insight

The ability to recognize your own behaviours and change them when needed is a sophisticated skill that can be affected by brain injury. This can affect someone’s ability to: be self-aware; have insight into the effects of personal actions; show sensitivity; or feel empathy. It also means that a person may not fully appreciate or understand the effect that the accident is having on their life, health or family.

BB: I honestly had no idea how my TBI was affecting my household, back in 2005. I'd gotten injured at the end of 2004, and 2005 was the start of the downhill slide. I became incredibly self-centered and obsessed with myself. Small wonder - I had to recover and build myself back up, as my Sense-Of-Self had taken a huge hit. I didn't know who I was or what I was about, anymore, and it was devastating. I didn't recognize myself, and I was so caught up in figuring it out inside my head, that I never realized the extent of the changes on people closest to me (who were outside my head).

It took talking with someone on a regular basis about what was going on with me, to help me see what an ass**** I was being, and to do something about it. Until I started talking to a neuropsych on a regular basis, I had no way to understand myself and objectively examine my behavior, because nobody I talked to actually understood how TBI affects the mind, body, and spirit... so they made all kinds of flawed assumptions about who I was and how I was. It was incredibly unhelpful for me, and it did more harm than good. 

I got lucky. A lot of others don't have that opportunity. And that's a damned shame. It's criminal, really.

I’ll continue this post in Part 2. Watch this space for notifications.

Source: www.headway.org.uk

Source: Emotional/Behavioural Changes | ABI Network

Into the bleak mid-winter

winter sunset with geese flyingI have a confession to make. I love the bleak mid-winter. There’s a hymn about it, that sounds like a funeral dirge. The first verse starts off with a not-so-perky extended complaint:

In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow…

It’s actually a religious hymn about the birth of Jesus Christ, and I don’t want to get too faith-based here, but the bottom line is, the start of the song sounds pretty dire, but it ends up in a happy, light-filled place. If, that is, you’re a Christian believer. Everybody else will probably be left as cold as the first verse sounds.

Regardless of religious conviction, however, the point of the song is that despite the cold and gloom of the winter months, a light comes into the world. And that transcends it all.

Personally, I like the bleak mid-winter, because it slows everyone down. All the running around and chasing after things during the spring, summer, and fall… well, it all gets a little tiresome, after a while. Our systems aren’t really built to keep going at top speed, all year long. Or even all day long. We need our sleep. It cleans out the gunk that builds up in our brains, and it helps our systems restore their balance.

The idea that you can get up at 4 a.m. and push-push-push for 18 hours, till you collapse, and then get up and do it all over again, is a dangerous concept. Some people can do it, sure. But they’re the exception. The vast majority of us really need our sleep to function. And that includes me. A lot of us could also use a nap, each afternoon. That includes me, also. But I only get that on weekends and my days off. All the other days, I have to keep up with others.

Of course, getting enough sleep is more easily said than done for me. Lately, I’ve been pretty anxious about some work issues, and I’ve been waking up at 5 a.m. instead of 6:30 or 7:00. So, I’ve been losing sleep. I’ve also been staying up later than I should, watching the tail-end of movies that I really like. It’s irresponsible, I know, and I need to stop it. And I will. But right now, my focus is on making sure I’m functional for today… not focusing on the evening at the end of my day.

But I’ve digressed. I love the bleak mid-winter for its cold, which slows us all down, as we have to deal with more layers of clothing. I love it for its long nights, which help me rest and relax. I love it for its crazy weather that keeps me on my toes. I don’t even mind the snow so much, because it gets me active and out and about. And I love how other people slowing down makes it easier to shop and go to the gym, because people are not feeling up to working out (especially after the initial rush over their New Year’s Resolutions has passed), or going to the store at early/late hours of the day.

The bleak mid-winter solves a lot of logistical issues for me, slows things down, gives me a break from the onslaught of constant go-go-go, and it gives me space to move and think instead of having to constantly negotiate the world around me.

And that’s fine. It’s just fine with me. So… onward.

Five hours of sleep. Oh, well. I’ll try something new today.

Fatigue Range with "Not Sleeping" red zones at the top and bottom and an "Energy Level" line curving up into the top "Not Sleeping" zone
Fatigue Range – I’m just within the top red line, in the gray zone.

I can really tell the difference when I don’t tire myself out with afternoon exercise. I had a very lazy day, yesterday, catching up on some reading and organizing myself a bit better. On Friday night, I cleared out a bunch of boxes I’d kept in the corner of the dining room. I have an old habit of saving boxes for later use, because I grew up in a time and place where such things were scarce, and you had to save stuff for later — especially good packing boxes.

Now, though, the world is full of packing boxes. All you have to do is order some dental floss from Amazon.com to get a big-ass box in the mail. The floss will be packed at the very center of the box, surrounded by packing paper or those bubble packs. It’s very wasteful, but it’s one way to get a box.

Anyway, I got that done on Friday night, and that got me in the mood to do more organizing on Saturday (yesterday). I needed to go through a bunch of notes I’d written down, so I spent most of the day dictating my notes into my smartphone and emailing them to myself. I ended up with something like 20 pages of notes – and I could put away my handwritten notes. It was very productive, but also very sedentary. I did get out for a quick walk in the afternoon, but it wasn’t intensely strenuous, and I had just a quick one-hour nap afterwards.

Last night, I got in bed by 10:25, but I tossed and turned for a good 20-30 minutes before I got to sleep. And then I woke up at 4:00 and couldn’t get back to sleep. Not great for my brain function, to tell the truth. I’m foggy and fuzzy, this morning, and I’m worried. My spouse has been having some more noticeable cognitive and behavioral issues, and that’s heavy on my mind. I really worry about them and if I’ll be able to take care of them the way they need. I feel like I’ve failed in many ways, and may have contributed to some of their issues with my own temper and being hard to live with at the end of long days. I worry that I’ve actually made things worse for both of us. But I’m doing the best I can, I suppose.

Anyway, about this sleep business… During the work week, I usually get in a half hour of strenuous exercise. It tires me out, but I regroup and finish out my workday. And then I go home, have my supper, and go to bed. That works best for me, because it really wears me out, and I can’t help but crash at the end of the day. Yesterday, though, I wasn’t wiped out at the end of the day, so I didn’t just fall into bed per usual.

Today, I’ll try something new — I’ll try getting back on the exercise bike and going for an intense 20-minute ride. I’ll put on some music and crank up the resistance, and really push myself. It’s something to get my blood pumping and wear me out. Then I can regroup and take care of the rest of the day in what I hope will be better form. And then with any luck, I’ll be so tired, I won’t be able to keep my eyes open past 10:30. And I’ll sleep through to the morning.

I hope, anyway.

Onward.

Extra sleep – the key to my future plans

brain-interests
Roughly – this is how my thinking has been prioritized

I keep sleeping in past 8 a.m. This is new, since I returned from my business trip. This morning, my spouse had to wake me up at 8:15, asking if I was planning to go to work today.

Well, yes, I had planned on it. But if I don’t have to do it, so much the better 😉 No, really, I hoisted myself out of bed, did a shortened version of my morning exercises, and made my breakfast. Now I’ll do a quick post before taking off for the office.

I got 9-3/4 hours of sleep last night. I think that’s a record, of late. The last few nights, I’ve been sleeping from 10:30 till 7:45 — even past 8:00 — which has been putting me at close to 10 hours, for the past three nights.

And I didn’t even realize I was that tired.

I guess it’s all catching up with me — and not only from the business trip last week, but from the past 10+ years of grappling with sleep issues. I’ve been exhausted for so long, I don’t even know what it feels like to be fully rested. And my neuro thinks that it’s one of the root causes of my dizziness and lack of balance. My old neuropsych said that sounded “preposterous”, but if the brain is in charge (at least in part) of your sense of equilibrium as well as coordinating your movements, and your brain is tired, then doesn’t it make sense that a tired brain would lead to an un-balanced body / proprioceptive sense?

That seems common-sense to me. But I’ll let them fight it out on the experts front.

As for me, I’m actually sleeping, and while I do wake up during the night many times, I’m able to get right back to sleep and stay that way… and for 2-3 hours longer than is typical with me. It’s either that, or take a sleeping pill, which has been shown to cause rebound insomnia and is strongly cautioned against for people with brain injury. Now, that apparently happens after extended use, but even so. Why chance it?

Plus, not everyone metabolizes it the same way, so saying it’s benign in every single case — especially mine — is pushing it. And that’s beyond pointless. And a little worrying.

But on the bright side, my own situation is worlds better — at least for now. I may have to start setting a clock to wake me up by 8:30, if I don’t wake up, myself. I’m accustomed to waking up at 5:30, but I can do with out that, for sure.

Aside from the jet-lag and time-shift that came with the business trip, I think another thing that’s really helped me relax and sleep more, is taking some concerns off my plate. I’ve decided I’m not going to go back to school to finish up the B.A. I failed to get, 30 years ago. I was in trouble with the law, I was in trouble with my family, I couldn’t stay steady with anything I was doing, I was with a bad group of people who were very self-destructive, I was out of money, and I was too booze-addled to make good decisions. Finishing my degree just wasn’t possible.

My current employer pays for both graduate and undergrad education, so this would have been the perfect opportunity for me to finish my degree. But let’s be honest — there is no way I can hold down a full-time job, take care of my spouse, and take care of my own health, AND go to school, even part-time. Even doing one course, would be too much for me. Two to three hours of classes a week plus reading, plus studying for tests… with my learning differences, and my crushing fatigue… there is no way that could work.

So, after having this bright hope that I might be able to do it, I let that go a few weeks back. It feels like a surrender of something I’ve wanted with all my heart for so many years, but it just doesn’t make any sense. If I ever find a way to support myself that doesn’t involve being at an office and constantly dealing with people for 8-9 hours a day (and beyond that, considering all the emails and texts that come in at all hours), I’ll consider going back to school. But not if it puts me in debt. And not if it destroys my quality of life.

The wild thing is, ever since I let go of that plan/dream/ambition, I have felt so much more relaxed. Yes, it’s a loss. Yes, it’s disappointing. Yes, I kind of feel like I’ve failed. But this frees up that part of my brain that has been connecting my future success to the way I was always taught I could succeed – through getting degrees and adding qualifications and certifications that come from others.

As it turns out, I realize that I really am on a different path than that. I belong on the frontier. My great-great-grandparents were pioneers who traveled to the West when it opened up, and they paved the way for others to follow them. I’m actually not happy about some of the things they made possible — the Dust Bowl, rounding up Native Americans and putting them on reservations as well as genocide against this country’s first residents. That’s a hard legacy to carry. But at the core, at the center of it all, I am essentially a pioneer, not someone who settles spaces that others have opened up. And I’m the kind of person who thrives in unstructured environments where the rules have yet to be written.

brain-interests-new So, I’m freeing up my “brain space” to make room for my new work direction. I’m making the most of my current job stability to really think about where and how I want to work in the future. I’m not rushing out to find a new job, right now, because I need time to think and really get clear about what I want to do. After years of hard work and sacrifice and doing a lot of jobs that I didn’t want to do because they were good experience, I’m finally at a place where I can literally pick and choose the direction I want to go in. I have the experience that others really, really need, and after years of rehabbing with a neuropsychologist, I once again have the temperament and behavioral control to work effectively with others.

I was this close to being able to do that, back in 2004, when I fell and got hurt. I was 18 months away from cashing in on my shares, that would have let me pay down my house and refinance the remainder at a very attractive rate. I was 18 months away from financial independence, which was no small feat for someone without a college degree, who everyone said would never get far in life because of my failure to complete pretty much anything I started. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it wasn’t an oncoming train. It was my future – the future I had worked so hard for.

Then I fell, and everything fell apart.

I’ve been rigidly locked onto the idea that I had to finish my degree, in order to get anywhere in life. But in fact, that falls back on thinking from when I was a teenager. As an adult, I’ve always been a pioneer, a leader, someone who ventures into spaces that haven’t yet been explored. The things I’ve done, have been things that nobody else thinks are possible.

But I know they’re possible, as do the others I work with.

Now I need to look again to the future and find where I need to be. Not just where I am right now, but where I need to be, on down the line. I want to make the best of everything I’ve got, and take it to the next level.

And so I shall.

Onward!

Holy smokes, it’s amazing what some extra sleep will do for you…

More clarity – yes, more clarity

clarity-of-thoughtSo, I posted a TBI injury and recovery story from a reader, the other day, and it seems like a lot of people think her story is mine. Not at all.

Well, of course, there are some similarities, but it’s her story, not mine. I’ve just gone back and updated it with a notice at the very top and quotes around the story — it was easy to fix.

I wish all misunderstandings were that easy to fix.

I’ve also been fielding some comments in Twitter about things I’ve said, that apparently came off wrong. It is really, really easy to be misunderstood on Twitter. I’ve had people thinking I was attacking them, or their sport, or something else they held dear… and then they “fought back” with both barrels blazing, when all I was doing was raising some questions.

All around, it seems like the online world is just primed for misunderstanding — and consequently, a fight. All around us, we are trained to see opponents and aggressors. And that’s a huge problem, when you can’t even disagree with someone and/or challenge their thinking without being seen as an aggressor (or micro-aggressor). There’s a fantastic article in The Atlantic about this (click here to read it), which I came across a while back. It explains a lot — especially with regard to the younger generation who seem to have amazing potential, but also seem incredibly hung up over every little thing.

All the fighting… good heavens. There’s a reason I backed off Twitter for a while. But there’s so much good research coming out that gets posted there, I have to check it out. There’s seriously some great reading available, thanks to all the tweets flooding my feed. I think the key is to not follow a lot of people who get snarky and vicious and outraged. Especially about politics. ‘Nuff said about that.

Anyway, I’m taking more time to think things through before I say / post / tweet them — or trying to, anyway. It’s hard, when the moment to respond presents itself, and there’s something in your mind that seems 100% appropriate and on-point.

I should know by now that that feeling of 100% certainty is a tip-off to the exact opposite being true. The more convinced I am of something, the more likely I am to be very much mistaken. So, I do know that. But that doesn’t always rule how I react and interact. Impulse control issues and all that.

I guess that’s what keeps things exciting. I just have to keep revisiting things that need a little tweaking… making sure I don’t do more damage along the way. I also need to know when to let it go. Not everything needs to be fixed the way I want it to be. It’s also important that I hold my ground and not give into bullying. Just state my case, say my piece, and leave it at that. If people understand, then great. If not, there’s no guarantee I’ll convince them.

Sometimes it’s best to just move on and leave it at that. Or just stop following some people… which I have been doing regularly, when their tone gets too unremittingly intense.

Anyway, it’s a new day. It’s Saturday. I have some time to myself today, and my headache has abated somewhat. I’ve got some reading I want to do, as well as some thinking. “Tinkering and thinkering” as I’ve heard it described in something I read recently. I’ve always got to be careful when I have free time, because I can very easily get carried away in all sorts of distracting directions.

Last week, I was caught up in researching mind-control techniques of expensive large group “personal growth” programs… and a week before that, I was caught up in some fringe neuroscience that is so far beyond me, it became apparent after two days of compulsive reading that I couldn’t even scratch the surface enough to wrap my head around the name of the phenomenon. Admittedly, it is good for me to range a bit farther afield in my reading and studies, but I can get too caught up in too many fringe activities, and then I lose valuable time for the things that I really do want to work on.

Like the handful of books I’ve started to write and got 3/4 of the way through, but are all waiting for me to pay attention to them again, so I can finish them up.

Anyway, today is different. I’m not feeling great — and ironically, not feeling great is a key factor in how well I am able to focus. When I’m feeling rested and fully functional, I get pulled off base very easily — all that energy gets spread too thinly — and I get nothing done.

But when I’m not feeling great — I’m at maybe 65% today — I know I have to be more deliberate in my activities and pick and choose. So, more gets done. And oddly, I have more clarity when I’m under the weather, than when I’m feeling at the top of my game.

I wouldn’t mind feeling just a little better today. Who knows? Maybe I will by the time the game is on this afternoon. I’ll pace myself. Take naps when I need to. And pick and choose the things I want to do.

That should be good.

Onward.