A few weeks ago, I woke up one day feeling awful. I inventoried my symptoms. I didn’t seem to be getting sick. I hadn’t had too much to drink. Was it food poisoning? No—the slight ache in my stomach wasn’t, exactly, physical. And then it all came crashing back over me, and I realized the truth: I had a gossip hangover.
You know, it’s funny, how humans can be. We genuinely want to be happy, and it makes us happy to see others happy. And yet, we go to great lengths to make others miserable. As though hurting someone else is really going to make us feel better.
In a way, I suppose it does. I mean, consider the popularity of combat sports (which, based on the recent head-hunting fouls by some players, may sometimes include football). MMA, classical martial arts, boxing, rugby… and more… Not to mention Twitter. Everywhere you look, you can find evidence that people seek to relieve their own pain by visiting it on others.
I’m also included in the ranks of fans of the combat sports listed above. I’ll happily sit down to watch an MMA bout, a martial arts contest, a whole night’s worth of boxing, or a afternoon and evening full of overly combative football (e.g. Steelers / Bengals). I’m less “into” rugby (which probably sits on the cusp of not being a combat sport, depending how you play), mostly because I don’t know all the rules and I never acquired a taste for it.
And when players get hit hard enough to get knocked out, yes, I cringe. But I also get a secret enjoyment from it.
Because I’m not the only person feeling battered, these days. And when the players get up and get back in the game, it tells me that I can, too.
Now, if we can find a way to provide this same sort of community and commiseration, without causing brain damage to the players we admire and support, and tossing their futures aside for the sake of the immediate moment…
Well, of course, there are some similarities, but it’s her story, not mine. I’ve just gone back and updated it with a notice at the very top and quotes around the story — it was easy to fix.
I wish all misunderstandings were that easy to fix.
I’ve also been fielding some comments in Twitter about things I’ve said, that apparently came off wrong. It is really, reallyeasy to be misunderstood on Twitter. I’ve had people thinking I was attacking them, or their sport, or something else they held dear… and then they “fought back” with both barrels blazing, when all I was doing was raising some questions.
All around, it seems like the online world is just primed for misunderstanding — and consequently, a fight. All around us, we are trained to see opponents and aggressors. And that’s a huge problem, when you can’t even disagree with someone and/or challenge their thinking without being seen as an aggressor (or micro-aggressor). There’s a fantastic article in The Atlantic about this (click here to read it), which I came across a while back. It explains a lot — especially with regard to the younger generation who seem to have amazing potential, but also seem incredibly hung up over every little thing.
All the fighting… good heavens. There’s a reason I backed off Twitter for a while. But there’s so much good research coming out that gets posted there, I have to check it out. There’s seriously some great reading available, thanks to all the tweets flooding my feed. I think the key is to not follow a lot of people who get snarky and vicious and outraged. Especially about politics. ‘Nuff said about that.
Anyway, I’m taking more time to think things through before I say / post / tweet them — or trying to, anyway. It’s hard, when the moment to respond presents itself, and there’s something in your mind that seems 100% appropriate and on-point.
I should know by now that that feeling of 100% certainty is a tip-off to the exact opposite being true. The more convinced I am of something, the more likely I am to be very much mistaken. So, I do know that. But that doesn’t always rule how I react and interact. Impulse control issues and all that.
I guess that’s what keeps things exciting. I just have to keep revisiting things that need a little tweaking… making sure I don’t do more damage along the way. I also need to know when to let it go. Not everything needs to be fixed the way I want it to be. It’s also important that I hold my ground and not give into bullying. Just state my case, say my piece, and leave it at that. If people understand, then great. If not, there’s no guarantee I’ll convince them.
Sometimes it’s best to just move on and leave it at that. Or just stop following some people… which I have been doing regularly, when their tone gets too unremittingly intense.
Last week, I was caught up in researching mind-control techniques of expensive large group “personal growth” programs… and a week before that, I was caught up in some fringe neuroscience that is so far beyond me, it became apparent after two days of compulsive reading that I couldn’t even scratch the surface enough to wrap my head around the name of the phenomenon. Admittedly, it is good for me to range a bit farther afield in my reading and studies, but I can get too caught up in too many fringe activities, and then I lose valuable time for the things that I really do want to work on.
Like the handful of books I’ve started to write and got 3/4 of the way through, but are all waiting for me to pay attention to them again, so I can finish them up.
Anyway, today is different. I’m not feeling great — and ironically, not feeling great is a key factor in how well I am able to focus. When I’m feeling rested and fully functional, I get pulled off base very easily — all that energy gets spread too thinly — and I get nothing done.
But when I’m not feeling great — I’m at maybe 65% today — I know I have to be more deliberate in my activities and pick and choose. So, more gets done. And oddly, I have more clarity when I’m under the weather, than when I’m feeling at the top of my game.
I wouldn’t mind feeling just a little better today. Who knows? Maybe I will by the time the game is on this afternoon. I’ll pace myself. Take naps when I need to. And pick and choose the things I want to do.
Step #3 in finding a new neuropsychologist is : Scout around for neuropsychs, looking online and also touching base with my local Brain Injury Association chapter. If they have websites or blogs, read those to get a feel for what kind of people they are. See if there are any testimonials or recommendations from patients which will tell me more about them.
Now that I’ve got my list of issues to track, and I’m thinking about what they really boil down to, I need to look around for who can help me. Years ago, when I was scouting around, I did not have the level of information and familiarity I do now, and it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Not only were there so many details to consider (and my brain made it even worse by complicating everything and taking in every single detail without distinction), but it was treacherous going. Like a needle will jab you if you’re not careful, a neurologist whose agenda is to prove you do not have any problems, is also a hazard.
Because there are plenty of them out there.
So, first, I have to screen out the folks who could be dangerous. I’ve come across local brain injury support groups who actually keep a list of those kinds of docs — they can ruin your life.
And then I need to find friendly faces — again, there are local groups that have contacts and recommendations. My local BIA chapter actually has a list of neurologists and neuropsychologists who “get it” and have proven helpful. I have an old list from before – but I may reach out to get an updated list.
I also need to check around with other people to see if they have any recommendations. I’m not very well connected to the brain injury scene in my area, because I can’t take the chance that my anonymity will be breached. I have to keep my semblance of normalcy together, and not let word get out that I have a history of brain injury. That could sink me, and as I’m the sole provider for my household… well, I’m not all that keen on being homeless and pushed out of society, which is pretty much what would happen. I don’t have a lot of folks in my life who are fine with brain injury — I found that out, when I was disclosing to friends who I thought would understand. They didn’t. They’re not my friends, anymore.
So, I need to make sure I’m smart about this and keep things simple. I also don’t want to go chasing the wrong things, as I feel I sometimes have with my current neurospych.
As I track my issues, I am actually seeing that my sensory issues and physical issues are a major contributing factor to my difficulties. Fatigue is the #1 complication I have with mild TBI, and it complicates everything. Being on constant sensory overload, day in and day out — with the fluorescent overhead lights, the busy-ness and activity at work, noise, the deodorizer in the rest room that’s as nasty and pervasive as perfume being sprayed on you in a department store — it’s exhausting. It really takes a lot out of me, and whatever cognitive reserve I’ve got on hand, depletes rapidly when I’m overwhelmed.
So, I need to look around and find someone who can help me with my sensory issues — not just cognitive ones. It might actually be the case that while I test fine under rested conditions, when I am tired and overwhelmed (which is usually the case), that all degrades. So, perhaps it would have made more sense to evaluate me when I was exhausted, since that’s my “default operating state”.
And it could be that my neuropsych has not gotten a full view of the impacts to me, because we’ve been meeting (by my specific choice) on a day when I am about as close to “on” as I can be — Tuesday afternoon, when I’m warmed up for the week, but not completely wiped out. So, that’s prevented them from getting an accurate view of how I’m really functioning.
Anyway… I need to find a neuropsych who is familiar with sensory processing issues, as well as other physical issues. Because I swear to God, I struggle so much with them, and my physical symptoms are so intrusive and corrosive, I don’t feel like I can actually make any progress, anymore. If anything, I feel like I’m going backwards. Being exhausted, day in and day out, is an issue. Eventually, it will beat the life out of you. It’s just a matter of time.
So, my hope is that I can find someone who more fully understands these problems all across the spectrum — physical first, then mental, then emotional — and who can help me work through all of this in a common-sense fashion. It would be nice to feel like I’m making some progress again.
Step #2 in finding a new neuropsychologist is : Be clear about what I want to achieve from working with someone. I need to make up a short-list of my issues — a condensed version which will communicate to the neuropsych the nature and extent of my issues.
The last time I was looking for help for my persistent TBI/concussion issues, back in 2008, I did a lot of things in ways that kept me from getting help. One of those things was bombarding potential docs with a whole binder full of information about my history, my present, and more. It was seriously a sheaf of papers I had to hold together with a binder clip. And when I showed up to talk to neuros about my symptoms, they just looked at me like I was insane.
Because I sort of was. TBI had so scrambled my brain, had so confused my ability to think clearly about, well, anything, and it had really decimated my ability to see the forest rather than all the trees. It also exaggerated just about any perception I had, distorting it like a funhouse mirror. So, of course I looked and sounded a little crazy. Of course I did.
And accordingly, I was dismissed and treated like a malingering drug-seeker — and I didn’t get any help at all.
So, I had to take care of it, myself.
This time, I don’t want to repeat that, so while I am collecting details on my current situation, I’m thinking about how that actually affects my functioning, what impact it has to myself and my environment, and how I want it to be. Cliff notes. Boil it down. Now I canactually boil things down to their most basic essence, so I’m going to do that.
This morning, I am extremely dizzy & lightheaded, feel like I’m going to fall over, my head feels like it’s in a slowly tightening vice, and I’m pretty foggy today. I’m having a heck of a time getting started. It’s holding me back, because I need to be up and at ’em, not puttering around the house, fiddling with this and that. I know better. I’m just having trouble doing better, and I’d like to fix that.
I really need to be “on”, these days, because my year-end self-assessment and performance reviews are happening now. Unlike days of yore, when your boss rated you, nowadays we have to do assessments on our activities and report on what we’ve done. This is one of those times when I can’t fake my way through — I need to be clear and concise, and I need to represent myself well. If I’m foggy and can’t get started (I’ve had real problems with initiation for a couple months, now), I can’t do my level best on my self-assessments or my future goals. I’ve struggled with just getting myself to figure out the self-report form, and I’ve messed up a couple times, putting comments in the wrong fields (of course, it would be nice if the app let me move things around, but no).
And these difficulties directly impact my ability to earn a good living, advance in my career, and be the best that I can be.
So, in order to get help with this, I need to be able to succinctly state the issues I’m having, how they are affecting me, and state clearly what I want to have happen instead. I need to give enough information that it makes sense to someone, but not so much that they glaze over.
I also need to use these notes to practice talking to someone about my issues, so I can communicate clearly and have all the right information to give them. I’ll use my notes as talking points — and possibly make up a separate bullet point list for myself — no, it will be more helpful if I am referring to a copy of what I give to the other person.
Armed with this tool, I hope to find someone to help me “hack” these problems. That would be great.
Step #1 in finding a new neuropsychologist is : Record the issues I’m currently having and how they impact my life. Wherever possible, have real data behind my rationale for seeking help.
So, if I’m going to work with a new neuropsychologist, I need to be able to tell them why I need help. That means tracking the issues I’m facing on a regular basis, and figuring out if they are significant enough to warrant getting help.
In my case, there are certain things I would like to address, because they directly impact my personal and private life on a regular basis.
At the top of the list is the processing speed that seems to be getting slower.
Next, is my increasing difficulty with comprehending what’s being written (in emails and notes) and said to me. I am having a lot of trouble taking it all in the way I used to.
And then there’s the trouble I’ve been having with increased distractability and getting much more scattered than before. As is often the case with new jobs, about four months in, I start to lose focus, get scattered, and I lose ground. I had a very foggy/fuzzy couple of months behind me, which is patently clear as I attempt to piece together my end-of-year self-assessment for work. I am having trouble putting it all together — much moreso than three months ago.
I’m also having trouble getting started with things. This has been an ongoing issue with me, and I’ve tried to get help for it, but I’ve consistently been told (in so many words), “Your test scores don’t indicate difficulties with that part of your brain, so it really is a willpower thing.” I dunno. I really want to get started on things, but I sometimes have trouble figuring out how to get started — so I don’t. It’s becoming more and more of a problem, and I can’t seem to get help with it.
I’ve been organizing my study, and I came across an old performance review from two jobs back. My boss back then (about 4 years ago) warned that I was late finishing my projects, and that was tarnishing my otherwise stellar reputation. My performance review was also acceptable, rather than exceptional (which it should have been).
Part of that was the fact that my boss really didn’t like me and was threatened by me. Part of it was that lateness and never finishing anything on time was a pretty big issue — which affected my performance, as well as my income. So, even if I did feel better about myself and my abilities to deal with life (as my neuropsych noted), the fact of the matter was, I simply wasn’t delivering on time.
Feeling good is great. Delivering on time is even better. In fact, I would have settled for being unhappy but more productive. That would have made a big difference for me professionally. Ultimately it would have reduced stress… and contributed to my happiness.
Anyway, these are some of the specific things I need to address on a neurological level. I need to know how the brain works with these things, and I need to understand how to tweak my performance – what, if anything, can I do to improve in these areas?
I need to map out exactly how these issues are getting in the way, list the things I have been doing on my own to address them, and talk about the results I’m getting (or not getting) that are affecting my performance at work and at home. I would feel a whole lot better, if I could take some positive steps toward fixing these issues.
Getting Started / Initiation
If I can find someone to help me “hack” these problems, that would be great. It would be a step in the right direction.
This is the start of a step-by-step description of how I am finding a new neuropsychologist. My current one is retiring and moving away, so I need to find someone new who can help me – preferably in ways that my current neuropsych (who I have been working with since 2008-2009) has not been able to.
We all have our strengths and our weaknesses, and The Good Doctor is the same as anyone else. In the ways they have helped me, they’ve done a stellar job. In other ways, they have not helped me at all, and in fact, I feel as though I’ve lost ground, in part due to their influence and unwillingness to address issues I’ve raised.
When I first came to them, I was very unclear about many, many things. I was also struggling terribly with communication and being able to hold a two-way conversation. I had a lot of old ideas that I’d picked up from others, which were really holding me back. Heaven knows, I had plenty of chances to be on the business end of society’s proverbial cattle prod, and it didn’t help my self-esteem. I also was burdened by a tremendous overload of stress hormones and bad habits I’d picked up from years of using stress to keep my brain feeling awake.
There have been specific physiological/logistical reasons for my “behavior choices” which I never fully realized till I started working with The Good Doctor. And in many ways, my progress has really been fueled by my own willingness to question their judgment (later, after I left, as my brain doesn’t seem to work fast enough to piece arguments together while I’m in their office). It sometimes takes me days to realize that I think they’re really full of crap, but then I figure out whyI think that, and a real & valid solution comes to mind, to replace their cockamamie suggestions.
I won’t get into all my gripes here – suffice it to say, I now know a heckuvalot more about how to choose a neuropsych, than I did back in 2008, when I was searching high and low for help.
And I’m in a much better frame of mind — and I have the proper skills — to go looking for someone who can help me “hack” my brain, understand the places where it comes up short, figure out strategies for addressing those issues — and also figure out where I’m strongest, and how I can really pump up the goodness that comes out of that.
Here are the steps I’m following, to find myself a new neuropsych:
Figure out what kind of schedule will work for me, based on my commitments and energy level.
Set up appointments to talk to my short-list of candidates, and see who I like. Find out the answers to the questions from Step #4 above. Make notes on my impressions — before, during, and after.
Discuss my notes with my spouse (or someone else whose judgment I trust), to see what they think.
Sleep on it. Pick one. Go see them.
Be clear about what my expectations are, what kind of timeframe I’m looking at to work with them (will it be related to a length of time, or a specific issue I’m having issues with?), and what their expectations are, as well.
Commence the continuation of my rehab.
This seems like a decent list.
And with this in mind, I need to get out my TBI symptoms tracking worksheet (Download the Daily Experiences Journal (Wide) – Word Document here), and start using it again, so I can have a better idea of where I am, relative to where I’d like to be, both now and in the future. I may even modify the sheet that I have to focus on the issues that are most pressing for me (rather than being a laundry list of all 84 ways TBI makes my life miserable.
Back in 2008, I was tracking my symptoms on a daily basis — and I collected a lot of data. But it was too much. Now I know that I need to stick with the main things and identify actual patterns in my symptoms, so I don’t overwhelm my docs with all that information. They’re on information overload, as it is.
I don’t want to be cruel😉 To them, or to myself.
So, off I go to print my daily tracker — and update it to have only the issues that are bothering me right now, in ways that I’d like to fix.
After that, I’ll take my long walk down the road, to see what I can see, get the blood pumping, and then for my nap.
Years ago, I was watching the show Northern Exposure, and in one scene, a character was saying how he didn’t believe Bruce Willis’ character could have sustained all those head traumas and kept going.
He had a point. I wasn’t yet aware of TBI and its role in my life, but that comment did stick with me.
Fast forward 20-some years, and here I am, with a much better understanding of it all.
And yes, I concur. Bruce Willis plays a lot of characters who get hit on the head and recover promptly — and never show any sign of slacking off. Knowing what I know now, it’s highly unlikely that so many of the characters we watch in movies, t.v. shows, and video games would be able to stand, let along continue to function, after the hits they take to their heads.
Meanwhile, parents have delegated the raising of their children to television, movies, and gaming, leaving them to “learn” about life through a warped lens that has nothing to do with reality. That, after all, is the draw — it has nothing to do with reality.
But do the kids know it?
I’m not saying things are so much worse now, than they were when I was growing up. I grew up watching Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner blow each other up, smash each other under rocks, and do all sorts of violent things to each other — and then keep coming back for more. I grew up watching Muhammad Ali pummel his opponents, floating like a butterfly, stinging like a bee, with nary a thought about how that might affect him and his opponents later on. I watched Speed Racer and all sorts of other cartoons where the characters were getting creamed regularly, but just bounced up and kept going.
Is it worse today? I’m not sure it’s ever been great.
The difference that I see, is that all the entertainment-based activities are producing physically weak and vulnerable kids who may be pushing the envelope in organized sports. They don’t have the same core flexibility and strength that we developed 30-40 years ago, just by being outside and active. Nowadays, you’ve got kids who languish in front of consoles and screens most of the spare minutes of their lives — only to be sent out sporadically to play at levels that are arguably more demanding than any when I was growing up. There’s certainly more padding, more helmets, more focus on speed and strength.But there’s less actual strength underneath that.
Back when I was growing up, you played because it was fun — not because it was your only way to afford college and have a decent life.
But now, kids are woefully unprepared for physical exercise, and whey do dive into it, they’re pushed to limits that would have seemed ridiculously extreme, three decades ago.
Then again, Bruce Willis does that sort of thing all the time.
Yesterday was a good day. I was riding high on the boost I got from work, and the day turned out pretty cool.
The more I think about the compliment I got at work on Friday, the more it means to me. It’s really sinking in, and I’m “letting it in” (as my spouse urges me to do). I don’t like to get into patting myself on the back too much – no sooner do I get really comfortable, than the rug gets pulled out from under me, and I have to work my way back to a place that’s good again.
Over the past two days, I’ve been looking back at the way my life has developed — how it was in the days and weeks and months and several years after my TBI in 2004… and how I’ve re-ordered it in the meantime. I have made huge progress — thanks to getting regular support from folks who don’t treat me like there’s something wrong with me (it’s important to have some of them in my life, because so many people seem to think I’m not quite “right”), as well as constant WORK.
It’s been a long, long road back, through the disaster area that was my life for so many years. Like the tsunami in Japan that devastated so many lives in cities and villages, TBI tore through my life and trashed a lot that used to be reliable.
It sounds weird to me, thinking about how devastating the damage was, relative to my injury. I had a “mild” TBI — a concussion. I wasn’t knocked out more than a second or so. I didn’t end up in the hospital, hooked up to tubes and machines. I wasn’t in a coma. I didn’t have to relearn to walk and talk. But within a few years after my fall, my life looked like the picture of Japan above.
And at the time I realized just how bad things were getting, I thought the good stuff was gone for good. I thought Iwas gone for good. I couldn’t imagine ever coming back.
But apparently I have.
It’s been a balancing act — making concessions here and there, and pushing forward with things that meant a lot to me. There are certain things I had to let go, and other things that have come back to me.
Three things that I’ve had to change are:
How quickly I do things
My sleep frequency and patterns
How I live my everyday life
One thing I can’t do anymore is the “rush” thing. It’s confusing and exhausting, and I hate it with every fiber of my being. I used to get a charge out of it — a real rush. But not anymore. Now it just screws everything up. I’ve had to slow down a lot — for me, that is. Compared to others, I’m not going that much more slowly, but for me, it feels like I’m moving at a glacially slow pace, and it makes me nuts. But I have to do it, so I do.
Another thing that I’ve had to let go of, is staying up till all hours of the night/morning and then being able to get up the next day and go to work and be fine with it. That’s gone-baby-gone. If I don’t get at least 7 hours the night before, I struggle all day. I might not feel tired, but I can definitely tell I’m impaired. It’s just not worth it to me, to get all ragged around the edges and have to push through. Adrenaline is all very well and good, but it’s no substitute for a good night’s sleep.
I also need to actively manage my life with notes and reminders. If I don’t set reminders and keep notes for myself, I lose track of a whole lot of things I need to not lose track of. It’s pretty bad — especially when I’m tired. Sometimes I “rebel” and try to wing it – and then I learn again what a bad idea that really is. Keeping notes and reminders lets me focus on what’s in front of me, without needing to keep the reminders and to-do items in the back of my mind all the time.
I have to do a lot more preparation, too, than I used to. I need to preview my days and figure out what I’m going to be doing, and how. I need to actively manage my entire day, making sure I’m doing things at the right times and in the right sequence. If I don’t, it spells trouble.
Making accommodations for how I’ve become isn’t much fun. It’s a little depressing, to tell the truth. I want things to be like they used to be. I want my brain to be like it used to be.
But that’s not going to happen. Not like I think it’s going to be, anyway.
Actually, though, the accommodations I’m making for my brain are helping me in many unexpected ways.
It’s actually good practice to take things more slowly than I did before. This is not only because of my brain, but because of the greater complexity of my life, compared to how it used to be. Ten years ago, I wasn’t juggling my own logistical issues with the intense health issues my spouse has, along with being the only wage-earner in the house. Both of us were working and earning okay money, and we were both self-sufficient. Then the sh*t hit the fan, and I now have to manage a lot more for both of us, because my spouse just isn’t as capable as they used to be.
On top of that, my job is now more managerial than before. I’m managing projects and leading teams, so I have to factor in a lot more in the course of each day — and this spans not only this country, with coworkers in multiple time zones, but also overseas with colleagues in Asia and Europe to accommodate. Work has gotten way more complicated than it was, just a decade ago, and the nature of my work has changed as well. So, going fast and rushing to completion is not an option anymore. I need to consider a lot of things, including time zones and cultural differences — and also not rush myself and others in the process.
In all of this, sleep is critical. And my relationship to it has changed a lot. I don’t have a lot of downtime, each day, and I’m exhausted by the end of it all. It’s been that way for a long time, actually — and it got that much more acute after my last TBI. I had a lot of trouble with insomnia and sleep disturbances. Just getting myself to bed has been a challenge, over the years. But where I used to really fight it, now sleep feels like a little vacation to me, when I can just let it all go — disappear into a different world. It is the ONE escape I have, so I value it like never before. I don’t drink or smoke or eat a lot of junk food, and my vices are necessarily few and far between (they can really derail me). Sleep is the one luxury I have, I’ve realized, and since coming to that conclusion, it’s become easier for me to let it all go and get some rest.
As for my lists and reminders, they keep me organized. I’m so friggin’ organized (out of necessity) at work, that my calendar is a model for others. I spend a lot of time at work, moving dates around and trying to fit things together in a big-ass choreographed production. In fact, that’s probably the best way I can think about it — as an exercise in choreography.
Getting people dancing… moving together… and making a beautiful production out of it. It’s funny — watching dance irritates the crap out of me. Maybe it moves too fast for my brain, or it takes me too long to catch up with it. But I absolutely love still pictures of dancers in motion. The pictures of mastery in motion really inspire me — if they can do that (and how do they dothat?!) then what isn’tpossible for people to do?
Still pictures of dancers — especially black and white photos of modern dancers in motion — really inspire me. And my job as a project manager is to inspire people do to the equivalent in their own work, so that our projects come together in a unified performance.
And you know what’s interesting? In the process of accommodating my limitations, I’ve actually been able to extend what’s possible for me, above and beyond what I’ve done in the past. In some ways, losing my basic functionality at one level, forced me to learn to live at a completely different one.
If I hadn’t gotten hurt and gone downhill as badly as I had, would I have been forced to “bump it up” the way I have? I’m not sure. Other keys have definitely been getting the right information and also getting some support, but ultimately, it was the total unworkability of my past ways of doing things in my emerging life, that forced me to dig deeper and see what else was there.
Anyway, this post is going on way too long. The bottom line is, TBI trashed my life, but I have gotten to a point where it’s no longer a total wasteland without any hope for the future. I have a ton of hope now, and that’s for a good reason — because things are turning around in tangible, daily ways. I have something to show for all my work, and it’s good.