After the storm

So, the past few days have been a little dramatic. With the changes in our organization, people are confused and intimidated and upset, and some are handling things better than others. For some, the changes are really disorienting — especially for those who are not located at the home office. The locus of power has shifted from one office to the other, and both offices involved are many, many miles apart, with completely different office atmospheres and cultures. So, there is a great deal of tension – especially because the power has completely shifted from one side of the company to the other.

So, the ship is listing a little bit, till everybody finds their footing again.

The beginning of this week was very stressful, with a lot of tension and aggravation and venting and pressure. I have some deadlines I need to deliver on, and it’s been a real adjustment, getting used to the extra workload and managing my existing chores tasks. But I’m getting there. I was able to really turn things around from one day to the next — having multiple meetings with the same people, and getting them from a place of confusion and antagonism, to clarity and direction.

People just need to direct their energy into productive directions. That’s the biggest piece of the puzzle. And even the most problematic troublemakers turned out to be allies during a meeting I led yesterday. The difference from one day to the next was like night and day — and I think that just keeping people in the loop is a huge thing for us as a larger team.

So, that’s my primary goal and objective, these days — to just keep communicating and keep everyone in the loop to discuss the best ways to do things, instead of steamrolling them and enforcing my dominance and authority.

It’s just basic humanity, along with clear vision and decisive leadership. Technically, I’m not the person in charge, as I’m several layers “down”, but that shouldn’t keep me from stepping up to provide the direction and leadership that people are looking for. There is a massive leadership gap where I’m working — folks in charge seem to think that if you reach out to people as human beings, it will make you look weak and also “coddle” them. But from what I’ve seen, ignoring the human element just sows seeds of discontent and more confusion and frustration.

So, I’m going to do my small part about that and see if I can’t turn my own situation around. I’m working with a lot of people, all across the group and larger company, so I have a great opportunity here.

I just need to keep focused and not get pulled into all sorts of political intrigue and gossip and what-not. That doesn’t serve me or anyone else, and it just distracts me from what I need to be doing. It’s not like I have a lot of time and energy for extra fluffer-nutter stuff, anyway.

So yes, this is a great opportunity for me to show how things can be done differently. I know I’m a total dark horse, here, without the political clout and profile to figure prominently in the political landscape. But who knows? That could change, based on my work this year. It could really do wonders for my reputation and career prospects at this company. Interestingly, I’m not really wedded to the outcome on this. If I become rich and famous within the context of this company, then great. But I’m really treating this like a stepping stone to something else, because this company does a lot of things I do NOT agree with, and I don’t really want to support their business activities for the long term. In fact, I spent much of my early life radically opposed to what they do, so it’s a real moral stretch for me to be working here at all.

But I’m here now, so what can I do with this situation?

Treat it like what it is — a stepping stone to other things. I’ll put together this plan of action and follow through on it for the next year, build my contacts with executive recruiters on the side, and report in regularly about what’s been happening in my world, what I’ve accomplished, etc. I’ve heard that’s how you do things. And in any case, it will help me to better define where I am going in the future, with this evolving career path.

Above all, I need to stay on track, focused, and really keep myself in good shape. Get enough sleep. Eat right. Exercise on a daily basis — even if it’s just a little something in the morning while I make my breakfast. I’ve got a bunch of physical issues — aches, pains, headache, pulled muscles, vertigo, deafening ringing in my ears, nausea… I could list ’em all out at length. But that would take my attention away from what I really need to do. I mean, it’s nice to think that I could be free of the constant presence of these things, but I don’t have a lot of faith that it can really happen to the extent I would like it. And even if I get there, I’m not sure it’s going to last.

I’d rather just keep going.

Speaking of which, I’ve gotta get going – the day awaits.

Onward

 

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Each year better than the last – I hope

Looking back… looking ahead

Now that Christmas and Hanukkah and Winter Solstice have all passed, it’s time to start looking ahead to the New Year. Kwanzaa is still underway till January 1, and the Seven Principles that mark this time give me good food for thought, even though I don’t actually celebrate it formally. Yuletide is also underway till January 1 (or the 13th, depending what part of the world you live in), allowing everything to just slow down for time to reflect and look ahead to the new year.

I’m celebrating the spirit of Yuletide more than any other holiday this season. It’s been a quiet time, without a lot of travel, and minimal racing around to take care of presents and what-not. If anything, I’ve been pretty neglectful of others, this holiday season. But you know what? They’ve been totally neglectful of me, too, so we’re even. If anything, the past years have been about me and my spouse doing a hell of a lot more for them than they did for us — doing more travel, making more of an effort, going out of our way to keep everyone aligned and on track with coordinating our holiday activities. This year, we haven’t done all that — and guess what… nobody picked up the slack. So there you go — they must not care that much, so… what-ever.

It’s time to us to take care of ourselves for once.

And we’ve done just that. I’ve been in a pretty low-key frame of mind since before Christmas — all the excitement of work notwithstanding — so, it’s been a very “Yule-like” time. Things have slowed down. I’ve allowed them to slow down. I’ve taken time OFF from all the sense of obligation and duty and required activities, to just rest and relax and not race around like a chicken with my head cut off, as I did in prior years. I’ve done energizing things that are good for me, and I’ve been eating lots of new foods that support me and my brain, as well. I’ve cooked up some pretty excellent dishes lately, if I say so myself, and my spouse says I’m becoming quite the chef 🙂

Looking back on the past year, it’s odd — I can remember bits and pieces of it, but I don’t get an overall sense of how the year was. I know it’s been challenging, and I’ve been actively looking for a new job for much of that time — especially in the past three months. At home, things have stabilized somewhat — with less undercurrents of stress and strain, but some extreme meltdowns that have taken a toll on my marriage. I’ve been through a lot of intense challenges with my spouse, including issues with money and infidelity and physically unhealthy choices. All in all, though, I think we’re on the up-swing, and taking time out from all the travel to see family, as well as me getting my own “house” in order, has benefited us a great deal.

I feel stronger and more stable than I have in a long time. Perhaps ever. And yet, there’s a constant sense of confusion and disorientation that is always in the background. I am more functional than I can remember being in a good long while, and the circumstances of my life are leveling out and becoming more “structurally sound”, but at the same time, I’m in a fair amount of general pain much of the time, I have tremors and shakes, and my brain is definitely not firing on all pistons. I feel like I’m maybe at 65% on a regular basis. 85% if I’m lucky.

And that makes me sad.

But I think perhaps I am acclimating to the instability. I’ve decided I’m going to just get on with my life, even though I can’t seem to get rid of the memory problems, the sleep difficulties, the constant sense of fatigue, confusion, distractability, getting things turned around, and getting lost and not knowing where I am for a few minutes at a time… and more.

My solution is to just keep going and not get sidetracked and depressed by what’s going on inside my head. If I can just keep going, keep working at things, and do my best to learn from my lessons and try again, this all doesn’t need to hold me back permanently. It might slow me down, but it’s not going to stop me.

I’m also coming to terms with the idea of not being Alpha in every situation at work — and beyond. At work, I have been long accustomed to being Alpha and being in a leadership position of some kind. But now that things are shifting and changing at work, I’m not sure if this is going to last. There are so many people at work who are a hell of a lot more possessed by the demons of blind ambition and greed, and I just can’t see competing with them around the clock. There’s all sorts of politicking — and if it takes politicking to get ahead, then I’m going to step back and not engage with that, and allow myself to simply be happy in the position where I am.

Now, I don’t for a minute expect that I’ll stay in that subordinate position for long, if I get the attention of the right people who recognize what I’ve got to offer. I do want to get ahead. I need a raise. I need a promotion. I need to really put what I know and have learned into action. But I need to be smart about it and not just charge forward into the gap, without understanding what’s ahead of me. If a promotion means I’m going to have to travel all over the world and not be home more than two weeks out of every month, then I’ll pass. There is that possibility. But who can say? Who can say…

Anyway, I can’t invest too much time and effort in thinking about what may be… inventing all sorts of dramatic stories about what that will mean for me. Who knows what will happen? I need to conserve my energy, because I continue to have some limiting difficulties — the headaches and the joint pain which suck a lot of energy from me… the confusion and disorientation that keep me guessing and demand even more energy from me to keep up and do my part… the vertigo and tinnitus that are just so damned distracting… and the attentional and distraction issues that interrupt what I’m doing with a regular dose of screw-ups.

I need to keep going, and in order to do that, I need to take good care of myself and also practice things that will keep me sharp and make me sharper, while not using up a lot of time.

  • Ride the exercise bike or move and stretch, first thing in the morning to get my blood pumping and clear out some of the sludge that’s built up. (10 minutes a day)
  • Practicing juggling one thing at a time, tossing it into the air, and then catching it.  I do this with my toothbrush each morning, to improve my eye-hand coordination and also my focus and attention. (1-2 minutes a day)
  • Working on my balance and leg mobility with exercises on a daily basis. (5 minutes a day)
  • Doing my measured breathing that regulates my heart rate and keeps me calm. (5-10 minutes a day)
  • Allowing myself to really, truly relax on a regular basis — just letting myself collapse into bed or on the couch, and letting the fatigue just wash over me. (The first few minutes when I go to bed)
  • Increase my dopamine levels by eating more foods with L-Tyrosine and also taking the supplement… and also taking Oil of Oregano, to keep my body from breaking down the dopamine and seratonin in my system. (In the regular course of my day.)
  • Drinking plenty of water to flush out the sludge.
  • Studying anatomy and physiology, to help me better understand the inner workings of my physical life — and how to improve my health.

All these things are really good for me — and I can work them into my daily routine. The biggest challenge is figuring out how to do them as a regular part of my life, without up-ending my routine. That is totally do-able, because I can find time when my breakfast is cooking, and I’d just be sitting around anyway.  I just need to do it. And I need to not just take things for granted, because I’ve been doing them a while and it feels like I don’t need to do them anymore.

That’s probably the biggest threat to my well-being in the new year — getting complacent and just assuming that “I’m good” and I don’t need to keep up my routines and activities. That state of “good” can rapidly decline, as I’ve learned time and time again.

So, as I look forward to the new year, I’m thinking about the basics. Focusing on that, and not making myself crazy with a whole lot of dramatic schemes and Big Plans, like I have in the past. I’m settling in, in a way, and it feels pretty good. I just can’t get complacent. Gotta keep working at it. Each day.

Well, speaking of working at things, I need to get a move on and get my ass in gear. I have some errands I need to run before everything closes for the day.

Onward.