Crushing. Just crushing. And yet…

The week ahead of me is one of those one-foot-in-front-of-the-other types of weeks. I can’t think too much about things, because inside my head, it’s a swirling mass of panic, rage, fear, anxiety, frustration, and a whole lot of other stuff that has no business coming to the surface.

I’m working my ass off, keeping positive and moving forward. It is a herculean effort, and when I think about how f*cking hard I have to work, to keep myself on track, I’m actually really proud of myself.

Because how things are on the outside is nothing like how they are on the inside.

And to all appearances, I’m succeeding, I’m doing well, I’m holding my act together.

While inside, I’m absolutely dying — or bordering on aggressive rage.

One thing that TBI has taught me, is how to not get sucked into the turmoil that seethes beneath the surface. There is *always* turmoil beneath the surface with me. I walk around looking quite calm and collected, while inside I’m anything but that. I know the chaos is there. It’s like having a Tasmanian devil creature living in a sound-proofed back room of my house. From the street, you can’t see it, you can’t hear it, and you’d never know it’s there. But inside my house, I know it’s there. And even though I can’t hear it tearing around shrieking and howling and slamming into the walls, I can still feel the thud-thud-thud of the creature throwing itself around.

It’s there. I’m not sure it’s every going to go away. And yet, I don’t have to let it out of its room. I don’t have to let it into the rest of the house. I can live my life, sliding food under the door now and then to keep it satiated and a little calmed down. I can go about my business, taking care of that side of me, to make sure it doesn’t get too wild, too out of control. I know it’s there. I’m not sure it’s ever going to go away. The confusion, frustration, fear, anxiety, panic, anger…

Whatever. I have a life to live, and I have tools in place to keep me balanced and steady, no matter what.

In a way, learning to manage my own internal state is helping me manage my external state. It’s pretty depressing, sometimes, thinking that this crap may never go away. But when does it ever — for anyone? We all have to deal with it. We all have to handle it.

It’s crushing. It’s demanding. It sometimes feels like too much.

Then I realize there’s more to the picture. There’s the amazingly beautiful weather today. There’s the wonderful day I spent with my spouse, yesterday. There’s the camaraderie of my coworkers waiting for me. There’s the calm I feel as I settle in for a good night’s sleep on the weekend, when I don’t need to set my alarm. There’s all the amazing beauty and inspiration I find from so much of life.

Yes, it can be crushing. And yet… there is more.

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Letting it go – for good reason

I missed the original date, but maybe they have an “encore” event this month?

I had a lousy meeting with my neuropsych on Friday evening. First problem was, it was Friday evening after a very long week. I was not in a good space, and neither was my neuropsych, apparently. They kept wanting to talk about diagnostic labs and bloodwork and tests and all that stuff that goes along with figuring out levels of vitamins and what-not.

As it turns out, I have been running a low-level Vitamin D deficiency for about five years. I am sure it has not helped my cognition in the least. But my doctor told me they weren’t worried about it, because they figured it would sort itself out. I was supposed to be supplementing Vitamin D — which I often forgot or just decided not to do. I resolved — about a million times — to spend more time outside and get my Vitamin D through natural sunlight. But then I didn’t do it, and my D levels stayed low — to the point of danger.

The weird thing is, my PCP didn’t seem to think much of it. Despite the fact that Vitamin D levels directly affect cognition, and you can end up feeling foggy and dull as a result. I’ve felt that way for a long, long time — but since I started aggressively loading up on Vitamin D, and my levels have improved, I don’t feel nearly as foggy as I used to. I’m now within the acceptable range (in the lower 33%, which I’d like to raise), and I feel more clear and “with it” than I’ve felt in a long time.

And that pisses me off, that my PCP just kind of blew off my Vitamin D levels and was willing to wait a year, to see if they were better. It’s like my doctor waits for me to report symptoms, but to me, everything is a tangled mass of experiences and feelings, and on any given day I can feel both fantastic and terrible, all at the same time, so making sense of any of it is sorta kinda impossible in my jumbled-up head. So, I take a stab at things, and if I get lucky, it works out. If it doesn’t work out, I try again — and again — and again — till I get where I’m going.

Ultimately, it pays off, but it’s a long time getting there, sometimes.

Anyway, I got pretty angry that my neuropsych kept talking about healthcare and choices and things to do to get proper care. I couldn’t see what it had to do with anything that mattered at the time, and it made me angry that they were going on and on about the best process to follow to get medical help. Now, I realize that they were kind of pissed off that my doctor had done nothing about my Vitamin D levels — that they hadn’t kept an eye on it and raised a flag earlier.

Part of the responsibility is mine. I didn’t think that Vitamin D was that big of a deal, and I figured I could just go outside regularly and get the light I needed to synthesize. Untrue. I don’t go outside nearly enough (as is the case now, as I sit at my desk in my study, looking at the outside, rather than sitting on the back deck, working “in the wild”). I didn’t realize that Vitamin D affected your cognition and mental functioning. If I’d known that before, I’d have done more about it.

But that’s water under the bridge.

Looking back, I realize that I spent a lot of time being really angry with my neuropsych. I didn’t tell them that, but I was upset to the point of wanting to not go to them anymore. That happens, every now and then. I don’t “get” what they’re trying to communicate to me, I feel like they’re talking to me like I’m an idiot, and I get resentful and resistant. And I want to just drop it and just live my life without having to work at it.

But that generally doesn’t go that well, and if I walk away from my neuropsych, I walk away from one of the very few people who understands what’s going on with me — and is equipped to talk some sense into me. Going it alone has a way of backfiring on me. I have few real friends. I’m on friendly terms with a lot of people, and I feel pretty connected with other people, but I have no immediate support group I can turn to — other than my neuropsych. I also have a therapist I see — but that’s more to check in and make sure I’m taking care of myself and to build some self-preservation skills in the face of dealing with my spouse’s various illnesses (both physical and mental). Other than those two, I’m on my own.

Anyway, yesterday I decided not to keep harboring that anger, and I just let it go about my neuropsych being a pain. I realize now that what made me angry, was 1) being really tired after a long week, and 2) not fully understanding what they were talking about, and why. Also, I think my neuropsych was tired after a long week, and they were in rough shape, as well. I’m the “easiest” patient they have to work with, I believe. There are tons of other things going on for them, and I’m just one face in a crowd of many — many of whom need a lot more support and assistance than I.

This is how it often is. When I’m really tweaked and upset, it’s best that I just get some sleep, take a long walk, and let it all settle. Then I can get my balance again, get my bearings, and enjoy the life I have, instead of stewing about the life I’m imagining.

Weather is nice today. I should be able to get that last lawn-mowing of the season done, later this afternoon when the grass is more dry. I may just go out for a long ride, too. I hear the colors are getting nice up north.

Back from vacation, and doing things differently

Rowing through the fifth circle of hell – anger

So, my “vacation” was quite different from expected. My spouse got really sick, so I spent the bulk of the time taking care of them, running errands, and making sure they stayed fed and were headed in the right direction – towards recovery.

I did almost nothing that I had planned. I had thought I’d have time to do some writing, but to be honest, when I was there, I didn’t want to do anything other than just roam around, take long walks, and explore parts of the nearby national park I hadn’t seen in years.

One thing became very, very clear to me, while I was away — I have let myself get too complacent, too lax, too mellow. The net result of my chilling out, has been putting on some pounds and also losing my stamina. Keeping up with everything when my spouse is “holding invalid court” — as a sick person who needs to be waited on like some sort of royalty — is NOT easy work. It’s pretty draining, if I don’t stay on top of things.

So, it was pretty rough. But that’s not because of all the demands. The fact is, I am not in as good shape as I need to be, and all the running and juggling (figuratively speaking) showed me where I need to improve. I used to do all this — and a whole lot more — as a matter of course, each and every day. But over the past number of years, as I’ve focused more on taking care of myself and making sure I didn’t get overrun by the craziness of my employer(s), spouse, and TBI recovery, I’ve lost my edge.

And I need it back.

I’ve gotten way too lax about things, and I’ve “let myself go”, for the sake of just enjoying myself and taking things as they come. But you know what? That’s not me. I am by nature a very “on” person, who needs some “off” time on a regular basis to recharge. I’m not meant to be an “off” person who occasionally “turns on” to kick into gear. I need to stay active and involved in my life — to live my life to the fullest, and really keep my energy high. If I don’t, the feeling seems to backfire, and I end up having a whole lot of energy “double back” on itself… it eats me alive.

So, I need to live. And live fully. Not with panic, not with anxiety, but fully alive.

Just kicking back has become a way of life for me, which is not good at all. I’ve gotten into that habit in part because of my past job that had me commuting so much every day. It’s tough to stay active and engaged, when you start and end your day with an hour’s worth of driving. What a horrible life-suck that was.

All that sitting got me tightened up — my muscles, my fascia, my mind — and I was so full of resentment and anger that I had to continually manage, to keep it from wrecking my life — that I got sucked into a downward spiral that shot me straight into the doldrums, where I languished. Hoping against hope that something would change. Eventually it did, but what a miserable time that was.

It was like renting a room in Dante’s Fifth Circle of Hell — Anger — and not being able to get the money together to move out to a better place, and having to make the best of it by getting to know my neighbors, have some barbecues, hang out… you know, make the best of it, all the while wishing to God something would give.

It didn’t give. For three long years. And it really was hell.

Now I’ve been out of that world for three months, and I’m starting to normalize… get my balance back… remember what is important to me. I don’t have to put all my energy into dealing with the emotional flack of a horrible workplace, barely being able to function on the weekends, just spending all my free time languishing like a glorious lump.

I can start putting my energy into the healthy things again. And I can get back to my practice — my martial arts of living.

Over the week when I was balancing work and vacation and my spouse’s illness, it became clear to me that I needed a better way of handling their mental illness. They have suffered from panic/anxiety and depression for almost 20 years, and it has wreaked havoc with their life. All the while, they have been unable to admit that they had a real problem, and that it was hurting them. They have treated it like it was protective for them — living less of a life was keeping them safe from untold dangers. I know where that comes from — their childhood, and also their family story, which is all about unseen threats which must be managed.

Over the years, I have dealt more or less effectively with their mental illness, seeing to various degrees, the depth of their dysfunction. I actually dealt with it pretty well, from the start, even when they were absolutely nuts with anger and rage and fear and a seething cauldron of hyper-fight-flight reactions to everything, including their own shadow. I could keep my own attention trained on my own activities and issues, and I could steer myself (and sometimes them) in a better direction.

Over the years, I’ve had my own issues to deal with, and many of them have been really hard for my spouse to deal with. The old anger, the rigidity in my own mindsets, my outbursts and unpredictability… I was a real piece of work, I can tell you. I’ve been brain-injured a number of times, which made me incredibly difficult to deal with, when I was tired or overwhelmed (which was a lot of the time).

But we had a kind of balance going on, that worked for both of us.

Then I fell in 2004, and everything came to a head. Everything really fell apart, and we were on the verge of breaking apart after 14 years. I didn’t even realize it, at the time. I was really out of it, had no idea what was going on with me.

Anyway, what I realize now is that things have often sucked with us, from day one. But the things that have been good, have been well worth all the suckiness. It’s like the suckfulness didn’t even matter, because the good was more than enough to offset everything. Plus, no marriage is perfect, so was I going to just ditch the love of my life because not everything was idyllic all the time? Nope. I dealt with it.

And now I need to deal with it again. I need to deal with my spouse’s demons, their mental illness, their panic and anxiety and encroaching dementia, with a form of martial art. Keep calm, keep centered, and be ready to deal with the demons that threaten to attack. They are very real demons, and making light of them doesn’t serve me at all. Denying that they exist doesn’t help. And avoiding confronting them is the worst thing I can do.

I need to deal with this. Because try as they might, my spouse has limits, and there are things they just refuse to do for themself that will make things better. They’re trying, yes. They’re really trying. But the demons are always there in the background, with an eye out to get hold of me, too.

They’re greedy demons — panic, anxiety, fear, aggression. They feed on the energy of others, and how they love to feed. They are insatiable, and they will stop at nothing, till they get what they need. I can’t forget that they exist. I’m not saying I have to live in fear. Far from it. I just need to live with awareness, and figure out how to keep my own essence safe and protected, while the demons swirl around, seeking madness.

It can be done. And I’ve been working out, first thing in the morning, for the past four days, strengthening myself and doing exercises to stir up my stagnant “chi” and get good energy flowing in me. It’s helping. And I need to stay with it, not get bored and go do something else, when it all feels too familiar and boring.

Life is waiting. Get strong. Be smart.

Onward.

Good gone bad in a hurry

Bummer… and things were going so well

So, last night I was fixing supper, and I messed something up. My spouse was in the kitchen with me, and they started saying things that sounded critical to me, like they can do better than me. I got really agitated and frustrated, and I had a bit of a blow-up at them. I was really angry over them finding fault with what I was doing and comparing their own performance to mine. It was a double put-down. 1) I screwed up, 2) they can do so much better than me.

It really pissed me off, and I got so angry, and then they went into their usual behavioral “repertoire” of acting like I was a bad person for getting angry and yelling — like I was threatening them and being abusive. Oh Lord, oh Lord, oh Lord… I was upset and trying to express myself, and all they could do was make me look like I was the one at fault, and my anger was a threat to them.

I got pretty angry — not over the top, throwing-things angry, but so frustrated and agitated that I almost couldn’t see. And then POP, something in my head felt like it snapped, and I had this sensation of my brain locking up and slowing down to a crawl. It was like someone cracked open a smelling salts capsule — but it had the exact opposite effect. I instantly felt dull and numb, with my face numb and tingling, and my hands tingling. I could physically feel it in my head. I turned into an instant idiot — it was hard for me to understand what was being said, and I couldn’t put words together. My head felt like it had filled up with cotton, and I was suddenly so dull.

I didn’t think it was a stroke, because I haven’t been impaired on one side of my body or the other — and I stuck out my tongue to see if it bent from one side or the other, and it didn’t.

Then again, according to the National Stroke Association, here are the signs of stroke:

Stroke symptoms include:
  • SUDDEN numbness or weakness of face, arm or leg – especially on one side of the body.
  • SUDDEN confusion, trouble speaking or understanding.
  • SUDDEN trouble seeing in one or both eyes.
  • SUDDEN trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination.
  • SUDDEN severe headache with no known cause.

So, maybe it was one. I don’t know. One side of my body wasn’t weaker than the other, which is what I usually associate with stroke. I have a meeting with my neuropsych this afternoon, so I’ll check with them. I’m hesitant, because I don’t want trouble from all this. Plus, it has happened to me before — about 3 weeks ago after a meeting when I got really upset with the behavior of some of the folks in the meeting. It was very similar to that time — I felt something “pop” in my head, and I turned into an instant idiot — couldn’t put words together, had trouble speaking, felt slow, and had a low-grade headache.

This time I didn’t get nearly as angry. But the feeling was the same, and now I’m dense and dull and I’m having trouble putting words together. Three weeks ago, it passed. And it didn’t seem like a big enough deal to investigate. It was not much worse than other “episodes” I’ve had in the past, and when I tried to investigate them before, nobody seemed to think they were that big of a deal, and I felt like an idiot for even bringing them up.

I know I’m supposed to go to the ER as soon as I suspect I’m having a stroke, but how would that work, exactly? I can’t miss work, because then I don’t get paid. And my mortgage won’t wait. I’m the only one who’s supporting my household, and if I’m out of work, we’re all pretty much screwed.

I started to get a headache after a while, last night, and I took some Advil, but it didn’t really help. I still have that headache in the front and top of my head, and also towards the back where I hit my head on Saturday.

Seizure? Stroke? Whatever. I’m sounding a little nonchalant about this, I guess, but my feeling is that this kind of stuff has happened with me so often over the years, it’s just one more thing. And even if I did have a stroke, I know how to fix my brain, and manage my issues, so I’m not all that worried. Hell, even if I do become really hampered by my brain, I know how to live my life in a way that brings me happiness and joy. I know how to bounce back and keep going, so I’ll just keep doing what I’ve been doing.

I am reminded of a number of things I need to do is stay vigilant about:

  1. Remember that my spouse is actually mentally ill. Their panic/anxiety disorder has wreaked havoc, and it is a genuine mental illness. They seem to believe that their anxiety is keeping them “safe” from whatever dangers may be out there, and the “help” they are getting from friends and their therapist seems to only reinforce their fears and their devotion to their “precautions”. They are so absolutely imprisoned by their fear about every conceivable thing on the planet, that anyone around them has to abide by their brittle rules or bear the brunt of their wrath. They feel safe when everything is going their way, but it’s absolutely smothering and restrictive for anyone who does not share their view.
  2. Underlying all this anxiety is a handful of neurological issues which are screwing with their thought process. It’s not something I can take personally, when they go off on me. I love and adore my spouse and would love to spend more time with them. Still, it’s really hard to be around them. The other thing that makes it all hard, is that I’m just about the only one who can spend any extended time around them — they’ve chased off just about everyone else with their anxious control. And they don’t understand why that is. Explaining won’t make any difference, because to them, their fears all make perfect sense — and it’s neurological. So there’s only so much explaining I can do.
  3. I need to take care of myself and get what I need for myself to stay strong. I was tired, last night, and I pushed myself too hard. I need to back off and take some time to myself, especially when I spend extended periods with my spouse. My spouse and I had gone for a drive earlier, yesterday before my outburst, and they are so anxiety-ridden about just about everything, that it’s very stressful to be around them. It’s like a never-ending drama — over huge dangers and threats which seem like they’re nothing to me. When I do the driving, they constantly boss me and yell at me about how I drive, where I should turn, what I should do. It’s a total friggin’ drain.
  4. I need to keep to a regularly active schedule. I was out of sorts already, last night before my outburst, because I was off my regular schedule. I also did not expend enough energy over the weekend and wear myself out physically. I need that. I need to keep active and tire myself out, so I don’t think too damn’ much.
  5. My spouses’ way of living is not healthy — for them or for anyone. They spend a lot of time sitting around thinking about shit that makes them crazy, and they end up pulling me into their undertow. When I am around them, they use me as a “sounding board” which just sucks me into their downward spiral. This is not good. I need to keep myself up and elevated and healthy and take regular breaks when I spend a lot of time around them.

Truthfully, I actually need to protect myself from the one person I love with all my heart. It’s kind of tough, but there it is. If I can think of it as protecting myself from the demons that are eating them alive, that’s a better way to look at it. But it’s still very painful to watch them on that downward spiral, and be helpless to do anything about it.

Having extra days off can be good, but they can be be bad, too.

I just have to keep all this in mind and take the best care of myself that I can.

My head hurts. I’m foggy and dull… and a little bit afraid of bringing up the episode last night with my neuropsych. I’m afraid of what might happen if they tell me to go to the hospital and get checked out. But at the same time, if I don’t get the help I need, then what?

On the bright side, I’ve got almost four months’ worth of pay stashed in the bank, so if I do have to take some time off, I can. My mortgage is taken care of for the next month, and I’ve got enough to at least keep going, if I need to take some time.

Ideally, it won’t come to that. But when I think it through, the fact is, I can afford to take a week (even a month) off work, if I have to. I could even go to part-time for the short term, and we’d be okay for at least three or four months.

Anyway, speaking of work, I’ve got to get going. My fingers aren’t typing very well, and I’m fortunate to work with folks who have never seen me at my peak, so they have no idea just how impaired I am, right now. I’ll just get through the day, talk to my neuropsych, and try to keep as clear as possible, so I can make the right decisions and do the right things.

Main thing is to keep chilled out and cool. I’m really bummed out that I couldn’t even make it through a weekend with my spouse without yelling and getting upset. We were doing so well… that is, I was doing so well. They were doing really shitty. But all I can control is myself. So, I have to take care of what I can control — myself — as much as humanly possible.

Screw it. Onward.

TBI Anger Hack – from cracked.com

Cracked.com has a great piece on 5 Brain Hacks That Give You Mind-Blowing Powers. The title is a bit overblown, but it hooked me, so I picked up some tricks… and found this useful piece of info. I’m going to add it to my collection of lifehacks to deal better with all the crap that gets sent my way. The principle is the same as with intermittent fasting — which helps me with my self-discipline and helps me learn to better manage my internal state when I’m just a little stressed. Here’s what they have:

#2. Control Anger by Using Your Less-Dominant Hand

Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com

Everyone knows at least one guy who hulks out over the stupidest things — a messed up coffee order, a red light, global warming. Usually these people are just harmless joke fodder until they road rage on an elderly person over a politically charged bumper sticker. If you don’t know one of these people, consider that it might be you.

Of course, there are all these tricks that your mom taught you that are supposed to calm you down (“Stop and count to 10!”), which of course don’t work because in the moment you’re enraged, you can’t think logically anyway. What you need is to beef up your anger defenses before it gets to that point.

Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com
“Somebody stop me before I rob a sperm bank and make this town disgusting.”

The Hack:

This one comes from the University of New South Wales, who found the perfect anger-management trick, and it wasn’t cool jazz music or playful kittens wearing sunglasses. People who had anger issues were asked to spend two weeks using their non-dominant hand for anything that wouldn’t endanger anyone: opening and slamming doors, writing hate mail, pouring coffee, and other dirty activities that are now crossing your mind. After two weeks, the subjects could control their temper tantrums better, even when other participants deliberately insulted them to get a reaction.

Why would this possibly work? Well, looking at angry people under brain scans shows that outbursts are less about too much anger and more about depleted self-control. That’s both good news and bad news. The bad news is that self-control is a finite thing, and you can run out of it. The good news is that it’s a physical mechanism of how your brain works, and you can strengthen it (or hack it into working better).

Digital Vision/Digital Vision/Getty Images
“Fudge you, mother lover!”

Now, you’d assume that the only way to do that would be some kind of meditation or long classes in anger management. Or maybe to pay somebody to make an annoying noise in your ear for hours at a time and slowly decreasing the frequency with which you punch them in the head. But it turns out it doesn’t take anything like that — just asking these people to use their clumsy hand to do everyday tasks forced them to deal with hundreds of tiny, totally manageable moments of frustration. But that was enough to make them somewhat immune to it.

So, when things got ugly, suddenly they found that the walls around their internal anger demon were stronger. And it’s probably also calming to know that if things get so bad that a gunfight breaks out, you’re now capable of dual-wielding that shit.

BananaStock/BananaStock/Getty Images
“Oh, hey, you are totally correct. The grass is indeed purple. My mistake.”

Intermittent Fasting for Emotional Discipline

Running the gamut – emotional style

Now that the New Year is here, a lot of people are focusing on resolutions for how to change their lives. I think this is a good intention, and this is the perfect time to think about these things, after the last six weeks of holiday upheaval. The holidays give us time to step away from our usual routine, and when we do, it can be easier to see the shape of our lives more clearly, than when we are in our regular routines and regimens.

One thing that has been really evident to me, is my persistent need for emotional discipline… maybe even control. That is, I need to be able to manage my own emotions and feel what I feel without going off the rails over it. My recent close encounters with a police officer and my meltdowns at home over the past few months have made it pretty clear that I need to “get a grip” and quit being so volatile.

Emotional volatility (or “lability” as they call it) goes hand in hand with TBI. You know how it goes — those temper flares, the anger, the rage, the ups and downs that can really turn into a roller coaster… It can be hell, not only on you, but on everyone around you. Fatigue makes things worse. Sensory overload can really do a number on you. And there are the many, many emotional challenges that come with having to reconstruct your life after a traumatic brain injury.

So, what can you do? Are you just stuck — at the mercy of your mysterious brain, which may or may not agree to mend itself the way you want? Or is there something more that can be done, to address emotional lability?

I have been “on the bandwagon” with the idea of hormesis for some time — stressing your system slightly, so that it develops strengths to offset the stresses. Exercise is a form of hormesis, where you stress your body a bit, in order to develop strength or endurance. Vaccinations are also a type of hormesis, where a tiny bit of a disease is introduced to your system so it develops resistance to it. Also, there is the concept of “stress inoculation”, where you subject yourself to certain types of stress to teach your system to respond to it and overcome it. The book Stress for Success talks about that.

I think that fasting can be used as a way to foster greater emotional discipline (even control) in my life. I know that fasting has long been recommended (and mandated) by many religious faiths, to foster greater spiritual growth. Fasting and prayer are often combined, to bring a person closer to the God they worship. It is a challenging thing to do — go without food for a certain period of time — and it brings up a lot of emotions and insecurities and frustrations… the underbelly of your emotional life. So, combining it with a spiritual practice can be a powerful formula for personal growth.

I didn’t combine my fasting yesterday with any spiritual practice, other than lifting weights while I did slow, measured breathing. Basically, I really paid close attention to my state of mind and heart, and I was pretty vigilant about my reactions to things. I had a few minor flare-ups, but they were like little lessons that prompted me to adjust my mindset and activities, so I could be more balanced.

Intermittent fasting also helps the body to clear out the “sludge” of everyday living. It prompts elevated activity of organisms called Macrophages, which engulf and destroy bacteria and viruses and other junk that builds up in the course of everyday living. They literally eat dead or abnormal cells (anything with “-phage” at the end of its name eats something else — glucophages like Metformin eat glucose), and that does a body good.

Aside: You know, when I think about it, if there is a whole boatload of messed-up junk that floods your system after a TBI/concussion, and there’s all this sludge floating around in your system, wouldn’t it make sense for people to fast intermittently after concussion/TBI? Just thinking aloud…. Oh, after Googling the topic, I found this: Fasting is neuroprotective following traumatic brain injury.

Anyway, from an emotional standpoint, I think that intermittent fasting can become one of my important tools to fostering more stability. Just going without food for 24 hours or so puts me in a slightly stressed state — which I know will end soon. It both stresses me and un-pressurizes me, and it introduces a temporary change in my routine which I can learn to handle with greater success and ability each time I do it.

The first time I did short-term fasting was about five months ago, and it was pretty stressful for me. I figured it was not for me, thinking that if it didn’t work that one time, it was never going to work. Then I took another shot at it yesterday, and it went much better. Worlds better, in fact. And I didn’t regret it at all. Because I knew that it was going to be challenging for me, and I figured out some ways to handle myself better than I had the last time. I also got it through my thick head that my hunger wasn’t going to last forever, I knew I would be eating later that night, and I actually made it through the day without completely panicking.

This is all good news. And I think I am onto something. Because not only does fasting prompt the body to clean out the junk that’s been accumulating there, but it also gives me an opportunity to learn to manage my emotions better — within a controlled and limited context. I’m not looking at an eternity of emotional challenge. I’m just testing my limits a bit, to learn how to better handle my ups and downs.

I’m feeling a lot better about fasting, now that I’ve had a fairly successful run. And since I made a specific goal out of keeping an even keel during my fasting, yesterday, it gave me something to work towards. And it’s giving me a huge sense of reward and accomplishment (and I hope some much-needed dopamine), to know that I was able to get through that day without too much drama… and that I’ll be able to do it again sometime.

I don’t want to go overboard with this all, and I need to keep in within reasonable limits. Part of me wants to dive head-first into fasting every other day, but that would be completely impractical and set me up for failure, I’m sure. It would be too much, and going overboard and melting down would set me so far back. I think fasting for 24 hours once a month would do it. Maybe every other month. We’ll see when another good time comes up for me to do it — preferably when things are chilled out and mellow and I’m not all stressed out about my life in general.

I need to be smart about this — measured and cautious and deliberate. Because if I can do this properly and with good balance, it could turn out to be one of my building blocks for a continued positive trend in my life.

Onward.

Breaking my fast

I get to eat the good stuff again

I had a good fasting day yesterday. I managed to get through the entire day without blowing up. I got a little frayed, at a couple points, and I got pretty revved over some things. But then when I stepped away from the situations, I was able to calm myself down and chill.

Sometimes, that’s all it takes for me — removing myself from the tense situation (if I can) and chilling out. I check Facebook or look at my email or I read one of the books I’m working on.

Part of my irritability was fatigue-related. I only got 5-1/2 hours of sleep the night before. I just woke up at 5:30 and I was awake. I didn’t feel really tired or out of it. I was just awake. So, I got up and got on with my day. I lay down later and took what was supposed to be a 1-1/2 hour nap, but I slept through my alarm and my spouse woke me up an hour later. So, I added 2-1/2 hours to my sleep quota. And I even got to bed before midnight last night. too.

Breaking my fast was interesting. I was starving by the time I had supper at 7 p.m., but I didn’t go wild with stuffing myself with all sorts of junk. I had a decent sized dinner with meat and starch and vegetables, then I had a piece of chocolate, a natural fruit popsicle, and some frozen cherries. I’m finding that frozen fruit really does the trick for me, as a snack. It’s not full of processed sugar, and since it’s frozen, it takes a little “doing” to eat it. It’s not like I’m just pushing cheap carbs into my face. I’m actually consciously having a snack — that starts out too cold to eat (I’m very sensitive to cold)… then it melts gradually, and I can slowly eat it. Not only does the slow pace curb my hunger, but it also gives me something to do with myself and my attention while I’m snacking.

I did quite well with breaking my fast, and I’m very happy about it. I’m even happier that I didn’t spend the day in emotional turmoil, the way I did, last time I fasted. The last time I fasted, I felt like a raving lunatic all day, and all I could think about was when I was going to get to eat next.

Yesterday, though, I kept it together pretty well. And I had a lot of energy. It was intense, focused energy that makes me feel a bit like the posters I see of Bruce Lee — coiled, intent, and ready to spring into action. This kind of energy makes my spouse nervous, and they switch to “high alert” when I get that way — even if I’m not going to do anything frightening, they are still on alert around me.

I probably need to learn how to manage my energy levels when they are that high, and that intense. I know I can get pretty revved at times, and I don’t always handle myself well. I fly off the handle, I say and do things that I regret later. Fortunately, I didn’t act on anything yesterday.

And that’s good. Because last night there was a situation that could have gotten out of hand, had I given in to the impulse that came up in me. I was in heavy rush-hour traffic, and some a-hole was riding my ass for a ways. I pulled into the right lane to let them pass, and they pulled up beside me. Then they came over on me, like the were trying to push me off the road. I honked and fell back and let them get ahead of me, and I put my brights on, so they would get the message that I was not pleased. And then they turned off to the right into a parking lot.

At the time, I wanted to follow them into the parking lot, pull out my jack, and break out their headlights, smash their windshield and beat them senseless. Insane, right? Well, it’s one thing to think it — lots of people do. But last night, I did NOT do that. I wasn’t even close to doing it, as I just let that thought come up… and then disappear. I did not follow the thought, and I did not follow that person into the parking lot and I did NOT assault them. Not even close. The idea came up, and I let it go.

This is progress. Just a few weeks ago, I got into a verbal confrontation with a police officer for legitimately pulling me over. They had every right to pull me over, and they were actually really decent with me, giving me just a verbal warning. This time, I had every right to be angered by the behavior of the other driver, but I did not put myself into a situation that could have gone really badly. I didn’t even take that thought all that seriously. It’s just what came to mind. And it went away because I didn’t give it any more thought. I just let it come up… and I let it go.

After all, who knows why that person was behaving the way they were? Maybe they were an a-hole, or maybe they were a frightened parent, rushing to their sick child… or a newly single parent whose own parents were not well, and who needed to catch a flight out of town to get to their bedside. Maybe they had a really bad day at work and weren’t thinking properly. Maybe they had been drinking and were dangerous, themself. Maybe they were just intensely distracted, being on the phone and not paying attention to what was going on around them. There are a million different explanations why they might have acted as they did. But I picked the worst case scenario and could have gone for it, had I actually held onto that idea and focused on it and made it into a “thing”.

Instead, I was able to just watch it come up, and let it go… And away it went. So, here I am, a free person, walking around without having to post bail. 🙂 As Martha Stewart would say, “That’s a good thing.”

This is where the mindfulness / sitting / za-zen / breathing meditation stuff comes in handy. Also the exercise, which helps me direct my energy somewhere positive, instead of getting “backed up” to where it’s making me crazy and dangerous. Meditation and weight training trains my system to not follow every single impulse that comes up. It keeps me focused and grounded and level-headed. That keeps me out of trouble. It keeps me out of jail. And that’s a good thing.

The last thing I need, is for my impulses to land me in trouble with the law — and ruin the life of someone who may have had a family emergency they needed to handle. That’s not how I want to start the year. 2014 needs to start on a good note, and me not giving into that road rage was an excellent start.

Onward.

All that I have gained

What was … and what will be…

Happy New Year everyone! I am feeling quite positive about this coming year. 2013 was a bear — for me, as well as many others I know. I’m none too sad to see it go, and after that “inoculation” experience with all the crappiest of crappy crap that came down the pike, I feel like I’ve developed sufficient scar tissue to move on.

Yesterday I had to work again — I used up one of my year-end vacation days to run errands, a few weeks back. So, it was a mini practice ramp-up for the new year. It was pretty good. I got to just settle in and take care of some things, close down a handful of pending items, and get a jump on the next year’s activities.

Most of my work time yesterday was spent in planning — thinking through what needs to be done, and how it needs to get done — so that when I actually can do it, I don’t have to think too much about it, and I can just go. I hate getting stuck in that analysis paralysis situation — taking time off busy work to really strategize and plan my approach helps me avoid that pitfall.

I spent a fair amount of time, over the past few days, thinking about my past years of TBI recovery. I have been through a number of distinct cycles after my TBI at the end of 2004 (holy smokes has it been almost 10 years?!):

  1. Dissolution and Oblivion — things unraveled and I had no clue that anything was actually wrong in my life. Blow-ups, melt-downs, increasing forgetfulness and volatility, worsening physical fitness and balance, poor financial decisions, difficulties sleeping and eating properly…  things just dissolved around me, and I did not perceive that it was so. As far as I was concerned, it was all because of things other people did, and my reactions to what they did were justifiable, because, well, there was nothing at all wrong with me.
  2. Dawning Realization — when I realized that my money had disappeared and I didn’t understand why, it sank in that something was “up” with me. Oddly, none of the other signs registered with me. My realization was more about money in the immediate present, and also about all the difficulties I’d had as a regularly concussed kid, growing up with multiple TBIs. All of a sudden, certain things seemed quite off, and I knew I needed help.
  3. The Quest for Answers — I embarked on a full-throttle quest for answers to what was going on with me. I didn’t even know exactly what was “up” — just that certain things were not right, and I had to figure it out, or I was going to lose everything. I kept voluminous notes about my life experience, I sought out every conceivable avenue for learning about and understanding what was happening to me. I scoured the internet. I read medical study after medical study. I looked for websites. I plumbed the depths of my local library system. I collected binders full of notes about concussion and TBI and my own personal experience, and I made daily lists of all my symptoms, what I was doing about them, and whether or not things worked for me. I watched for patterns in my experience, and I spared no detail in describing my life, from the inside-out. I went down a lot of dead-ends, and I incidentally decided that I suffered from a variety of disorders, based on passing input from numerous people, which made me look like a raving lunatic to the professionals to whom I turned for help. I endured a number of truly humiliating encounters with suspicious experts, who could have really done me harm, had I given them the opportunity. This was both the most intense and the most frustrating and anxiety-producing part of the process — but it kept me going, because I had a mission and a purpose. And I was not going to take “no” for an answer, till I found the help I needed.
  4. Building a Foundation — when I finally found a neuropsych who could help me, I had a neuropsychological assessment, which was a several-day affair that tested my memory, processing speed, and a number of other aspects of my functioning and behavior. That showed both of us what was really going on with me, and it pointed towards the things that could be addressed. It also showed what was NOT wrong with me, and it steered me away from this wholesale decision that I was 100% broken and had more problems than I knew what to do with. It was about finding out both what was wrong and what wasn’t, and figuring out what direction to go from there.
  5. The path to normalcy — I’ve never actually been “normal” (that would be boring!), so this part of the process was about just getting some stability back into my life. I had jumped ship on a number of jobs, since my TBI in 2004, and my years of stable employment for 10 years prior to that was in serious jeopardy, by the time I started working with my neuropsych. I had taken a string of short-term assignments, and I had ditched a permanent job after just three months of discomfort, and none of that helped my case, when I went job-searching. Over the course of the first few years working with them, I went through several more job changes, but I developed a good routine for my days, and I made some significant improvements to my life that got me out of constant fight-flight mode. Getting normalized meant getting off the roller-coaster of reacting to every single emotion that came up, and learning to make choices based on my own wishes and plans, rather than as a reaction to everything that (I thought) was going on around me.
  6. Real progress — this started to happen, as my life became normalized. The wild ideas about all the different syndromes I had, subsided, and I was able to see beyond the immediate reactions to events taking place in front of me. I was able to better think in terms of what I wanted my life to be like, rather than how I didn’t want it to be, and I was able to take real, substantial steps to making my plans a reality. I was able to land — and keep — two good jobs that looked good on my resume, and I was able to leave the first one for the second because of a legitimate, publicly defensible reason, rather than just panic that I had to excuse away to recruiters and friends and family. It has not been easy… there have been a number of plateaus, when I felt like I wasn’t making any progress at all… and it’s been quite a challenge to keep steady in the midst of all the storms. But I feel now like I have come through to the other side in a big way, and I’m able to hold my own, no matter what the outer circumstances around me. This is huge. After a lifetime of being pushed and pulled by every little wind, after being beaten down by one defeat after another, and deciding that there was no hope for me, I can now hold my head up and stand tall, knowing that I do in fact have the inner resources to withstand the storms of life — without becoming a danger to myself and those around me.

So, that’s where I am today. Standing tall on this first day of 2014, grateful for all the help I have received over the past years. There have been a lot of low points, and sometimes I felt like I was never going to get out of that dark abyss, but I have persevered, and I have come through. The hard times, the boring times (probably even harder than the hard times), the exciting times, the mellow times, the exhausting times… it’s all been a part of the whole picture.

Yes, I’ve been sleep-deprived and anxious. Yes, I’ve been in a lot of pain. Yes, I’ve been angry and raging. Yes, I’ve had run-ins with the police and other authority figures. Yes, I’ve gotten in trouble, and I’ve covered for myself — which has made it harder to get me the help I need. Yes, I’ve been really confused and unable to clearly formulate real questions to truly understand my situation. Yes, I’ve been down one dead-end after another, and I’ve had some really bad experiences along the way.

But I’m still here. And for all the bad times, there have been good ones, as well. I can now leave my house and walk for hours in the forest without losing it and running home in a quivering mess of tearful anxiety. I can hold extended conversations with people and understand what people are saying to me — and ask for clarification when I need it. I can spend a relaxing week with my spouse without both of us losing it. I can hold down a job and stay steady enough to let people see my true worth over time. And whatever comes my way, I can break it down into manageable pieces to handle one at a time.

Now that I look back over the years, I can see how beneficial it has all been, even if it has not been the easiest or most pleasant at times. The hardest lessons were the ones most worth learning. And they are the ones that will stick with me the most.

And looking forward to the new year — and all the years beyond — I feel a great deal of hope. There are many, many individuals suffering on a daily basis from concussion and traumatic brain injury, as well as acquired brain injuries like stroke and viruses. Along with it, comes PTSD, all too often. There is so much suffering, and it too often takes lives. And yet, I do believe there is hope. For all of us. I know there is for me, and I hope I can pass along some of that to others. Maybe someone in pain will find their way to this blog and find their own hope. Maybe someone in need of answers — or just hearing what another person is experiencing — will find their way here and get a little of what they need. Maybe someone who knows someone who is struggling, will pass along this blog to them, so they can find a kindred spirit.

That’s about the best that I can ask for — that my life stays real, and that I can keep on sharing my own experiences…. and hope that good will come out of it all.

And now, for 2014… Onward!

Steady as she goes…

It’s not always going to be smooth sailing

I had a bit of a revelation, this morning. I’ve had a pretty rough 48 hours, and it’s gotten me thinking that maybe I should take my neuropsych up on their offer to help me find a medication that will take the edge off my irritability, so my temper doesn’t flare so violently.

They say that they can manage the dosage so I will have very few side-effects, which I’m taking with a grain of salt, because I have never taken a prescription medication that didn’t have side-effects, and I’ve had some pretty hair experiences.

The thing that really worries me about using meds to take the edge off my experience, is that I may become dependent on them, and if by some chance they get taken away, I forget to take them, or I (like so many other people) decide I really don’t want to be on them anymore, then I will crash even harder, and some serious damage will get done, not only to myself but to others around me. I have such intense “fits” of rage, that it really frightens me after the fact.

While I am in the midst of it, I do not care. There is a coldness to me that doesn’t care who gets hurt or how it affects anyone. I have no empathy, I have no compassion, I have no patience, and I have come close to breaking things in my home (where I literally cannot afford to break things, because I don’t have the money to replace them). Over the past couple of years, things have gotten worse with me, and my outbursts are becoming even more violent than before.

Maybe it’s me, or maybe it’s my spouse, who gets so afraid. I think it may be me. I will need to check with my spouse on this, to see what they think. Again, I need to take what they say with a grain of salt, because it doesn’t take much to frighten them.

I do know that I have had several pretty intense blow-ups in the past weeks, and I had a run-in with the police that could have ended badly for me, had I followed through on what I intended to do — actually seek out and verbally challenge an officer who pulled me over one night for a broken headlight, after they gave me a warning and sent me on my way. I was going to find them and give them a piece of my mind, later on that night. Crazy, right? Well, it seemed like a good idea to me at the time. Fortunately, I did not do it. Or I might be writing this from jail.

Anyway, all this has got me thinking very seriously about how I handle my stress and the situations in my life. I am concerned that I may start acting out at work, with the increased pressures of my position in the new organization. I am concerned that I may do the same sorts of blow-ups that I have at home — that cost me my job in the past, and it will not help my current situation one bit. I have mentioned some things to my neuropsych — and yes, they have suggested a medication to help with the moderation of my agitation.

Once again, I’m concerned that I will become dependent on this for my well-being, and that gives a pill and the medical establishment control over me, which I do not want. I understand that many people are helped by medications. I have no problem with others taking them. I just feel very vulnerable about the thought of doing it myself.

So, I need to find a way to navigate these stormy seas, and better manage my stress and my behavioral responses to pressure. It does no one any good for me to assault people or tangle with the cops. It achieves nothing. It seems like such a good idea at the time. Just a relief — a release… but it can end up with me in some pretty hot water. I need to find a way to #1 keep my stress levels manageable, and #2 keep from letting every internal storm carry me away.

I have done meditation in the past, and I have done sitting practices that helped me keep my fight-flight balanced. I haven’t done that in a while, and I’m sure that’s not helping me. So, I need to get back to that regularly.

In the moment, too, I need to have a coping mechanism that will chill me out and keep me from going overboard. I think of a ship at sea… and I think about the sailors aboard who are navigating. Just steer the ship, keep the sails trimmed, and just keep on board… and hopefully the storm will eventually pass. There is nothing the sailors can do about the storm — it is just there. They simply have to keep steady as she goes, and take care of the basics, to keep the ship righted.

That’s what I need to do for myself – just keep my ship from capsizing. Focus on the essentials, the basics, and keep going. Just keep going. Don’t get worked up over the fact that a storm has arisen — just accept that it has, and keep my “ship” from capsizing due to my own emotional upheaval.

See, this is the thing — emotional volatility (or lability) just comes up. It just happens, as a result of many factors, some of which can be controlled, others of which not so much. If I can see the inner storms that wrack me and rake me over the coals, as something outside myself that just happens — as a storm that comes up as I’m sailing through my life — that makes it less about me being damaged beyond repair and makes it about me dealing with an external force — like thunder, lightning, high winds, high seas — to keep myself afloat.

When I have an image in mind, it helps. Like when I was going to take on that cop — I was this close to pulling into the parking lot where they were lying in wait for more motorists like myself, when I had a visual of a video of one of those “world’s dumbest criminals” who was acting like a complete mad person with a copy — on camera. I watch those “world’s dumbest” shows for a laugh — and this time it probably saved my ass, because I had a very clear sense that if I did take on that cop, I would look a lot like that idiot I was laughing at, not very long ago.

So yeah — visuals. Video clips in my head. I also need to break out my old copy of “Two Years Before The Mast”… or get the DVD of “Captains Courageous” from the library… and get some of that imagery in my head.

Because it’s no good for me to hurt the people I love, or end up in jail, or trash my home, because some storm comes up.

And I don’t want to take a pill to stop this.

 

 

 

 

Questions from the readers – TBI after dark

Know when to say when

Looking at my stats this morning, here’s how a bunch of people found their way to this blog. I hope they all found what they were looking for — or at least got some ideas about where else to look.

“why does everything go haywire at night for someone with tbi”
“brain that needs to be busy”
“constant restlessness”
“how does a person with tbi know that they are tired”
“mbti and mental processing speed”
“tbi irrational decisions”
“tbi resentment”
“traumatic brain injury, anger, ego-centric, self-centered, lack of emotional control, lack of motivation”
“wanting to die after traumatic brain injury”

At first glance, some look related, while others don’t. But they are all connected. Here’s how:

After TBI, expecially a mild TBI or concussion which doesn’t look like much on the outside, your brain can end up stuck in high gear. Its inherent wakefulness can be dulled, making all the proverbial lights look less bright than they used to be. This can happen immediately after TBI/concussion, or it can show up later. It depends, from person to person. This can impact your processing speed. My own processing speed is for sh*t, especially when I am tired, which is no fun at all.

Now, what can happen when the “lights go dim” is that your brain can kick into overdrive — constantly. It has to work harder to keep up with how it used to be, which can really be a bitch when you actually used to be really sharp before. It can make you antsy and agitated — and it wears you out at the same time, which just adds to the fogginess. It’s a vicious cycle that is incredibly hard to break out of.

So, you’ve got a constant restlessness going on, while your brain (and also you) are trying to figure out what the heck is going on around you. You know you used to know this stuff, and you feel like you should be smarter than you’re acting right about now. And then you get the fight-flight adrenaline rush kicking in, along with a bunch of other hormones that can already be out of whack, due to TBI-related endocrine issues or just plain stress, and before you know it, you’re up late — night after night after night. And you can’t get to sleep. Like me last night.

Or you wake up early. And can’t get back to sleep — like with me this morning. I got all of 5 hours of sleep last night, no thanks to the late movie, my brain going-going-going, and the couple of short t.v. shows I watched afterwards. My bad. I thought maybe I could sleep till 8, which I can do sometimes, but no such luck today. I was in bed at 1 a.m. and then awake at 6:00.

And I woke up feeling depressed as all get-out, overwhelmed and frustrated and angry and nervous… all that.

When you’re tired, it can be really difficult to manage your emotions. You can be alternately manic and depressed, with no apparent emotional control, as well as no real motivation to do much of anything. You can get absolutely crazy with what looks like ego-centric, self-centered, a$$hole behavior, when what’s really going on is you’re feeling the burn of your brain not being up to snuff, and you have to work all the harder, push all the stronger, just to get through the most basic things. People don’t understand — they just see you acting a certain way, and they think you’re just another a$$hole who’s only in it for yourself, and you can end up isolated — alone in your own head.

Which is never good. And then you can end up with all sorts of bad feelings and thoughts — like you want to die and leave it all behind, because this is just too difficult, and you’ll never get ahead, and anyway… what the hell?!

And that’s how all those things at the top of this page are connected.

The trouble in the morning really starts the night before, after a long day, when there’s been a ton of things going on. At the end of a long day (and especially a long week), when you’re worn out, it can be difficult to think clearly, and you can end up making all sorts of bad decisions that make a tough situation even tougher. You can be too tired to accurately self-assess, and you can be too tired to even remember to self-assess. You can end up (like me) staying up late and snacking on junk food to fuel your wakefulness, which is never a good idea. It happens, of course (like last night for me), but it’s clearly not a great thing to do. And a “relaxing” evening turns into a late night which actually stresses your system out with lack of sleep, junk pulsing through your veins in the interest of staying up later, and the eventual sleep deficit that screws with your head big-time.

Busy-ness is a prime culprit with me. It gets me going, it gets me thinking, it jacks up my adrenaline and keeps me on the razor’s edge… for way too long. It’s all but impossible to come down off it, when I’m not aware. I need to do a better job of that — check myself at the end of the day and see just how busy I’ve actually been. I’ll need to come up with a log book of some kind to help me monitor and track that.

This is the thing that makes me crazy — the more busy I’ve been and the more tired I am, the harder it is go get to sleep. I can be dead on my feet and falling over, but my brain will not want to sleep. I’m so dead, I get in a groove of pushing myself through the fatigue to do “what needs to be done”. But there’s a cost. Everything goes slower for me after a long day or week at the office, and since I’m the main cook in the house, Friday night dinner usually doesn’t get finished till after 8 p.m., then we eat and watch t.v. for a few hours, and I can get stuck in a mental loop in front of the t.v. until the wee hours of the morning.

Not good. I’ve got to build some sort of checks into my days, to objectively monitor and manage my level of tiredness. Because just “guess-timating” and checking in with my body does me no good at all. I’m so foggy and done by the end of the day, I don’t even realize it. Especially when I’m on deadline and I’ve been pushing myself through all sorts of fatigue and slowness to git ‘er done. That’s been happening a lot, lately. It does the job for my employer, but it tears the living sh*t out of me.

So, when I woke up this morning a little before 6, and had that “oh sh*t” moment of realizing that I did NOT get my 8 hours of sleep, I was feeling pretty bad about it. Damn. I really needed the sleep. I lay there in bed feeling like crap, feeling like I was never going to amount to anything, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated by every little thing in my life — especially the big things I’m trying to get going. It was going nowhere, so I decided to just get up. And move.

At least I turned it around. I got out of the bed and got my head out of that dismal place. I did some exercise and really got the blood pumping, which was good. It made me feel 100% better. And I figured out I’d focus on just one or two things today, instead of the entire friggin’ laundry list of stuff that needs to be done. I have an extra day this weekend, to take care of things. I would think that would take the pressure off.

I do have a lot that I need to accomplish in the next days and weeks. At least, that’s how it is in my head. Fact of the matter is, I don’t “need” to do a lot of the things I decide I need to. Sure, for the deadlines and things I owe people, I do need to take action. But there are a lot of goals I’ve set for myself that are self-imposed, and if I don’t make them, then part of me thinks I’m a big ol’ failure. I get so locked onto my goals and plans, I can become a crazy person. But that crazy-person stuff just gets in my own way — when I don’t consider any other possibilities or alternatives, and I get too rigid in my thinking.

Anyway, enough criticism of myself. The good part is that I’m highly motivated and I’ve got a lot of great goals. I’m willing to do what needs to be done, and that’s a plus. And the payoff could turn out to be fantastic. It’s just probably going to take longer than I expect, to get everything in place.

So it goes. So be it.

But enough about me. There are tons of people out there who have questions and concerns about TBI and concussion, who are looking for answers — especially when it comes to mental illness and intelligence and recovery. Bottom line is, our brains can be trained in ways that science doesn’t fully recognize, yet. And if we just keep going at what we want to do, we keep our spirits up, and we have the pieces in place to keep us connected with the world around us — that can be online as well as in the “real world” — we can make some real positive changes in our lives and turn things around.

I believe that with all my heart, and I know I’m not alone.

But enough talk. It’s time to make some progress on some of these projects.

Onward.