I’m feeling incredibly grateful today. And it is good.
To all appearances, I shouldn’t be quite this happy. The weather has turned ugly again, and it’s looking a lot more like November than July, right now. I have had to really work at keeping up with my workload, lately, and I have this sneaking suspicion that I’m falling behind on something… though I’m not sure what that is. My schedule has been kind of up in the air, with different appointments coming up that need to be dealt with, a fender-bender that has been followed by messed-up paperwork… and my regular life still needs to be tended to, as usual. Laundry has to be done. The lawn needs to be mowed. On any one given regular day, I can do some if not most of it, but lately – with all the excitement – I’ve been doing less than I feel I should. And I’ve been feeling like I’m falling behind.
Still, today I’m feeling great and very hopeful. It’s like something has taken a turn for the better, and I have yet to find out what that is. There’s a whole world of possibility out there waiting for me, and I can’t see why I shouldn’t be able to enjoy myself while I’m finding out what that is.
The feeling started yesterday, as I was driving around running an errand. I was thinking about all the crap stuff I have to do, trying to figure out how I was going to do it and get a nap in (I never got the nap). I was feeling pretty hassled and harried and I wasn’t having fun. But in the midst of my dissatisfied reverie, I was interrupted by the thought,
“Nobody is making you feel bad. Nobody is making you feel any way. Yes, you’ve got plenty of logistical concerns and things aren’t easy right now, but it’s your choice how you feel about it all. You can either get your knickers in a bunch over what’s wrong, or you can be grateful that your life is complete enough and you are functional enough that you can have these “problems.” A lot of people aren’t. And you didn’t used to be. If you weren’t doing this well, you wouldn’t get to experience this level of complication and irritation. And frankly, it’s a very good sign that you do.”
That snapped me out of it. Got me right off the proverbial pity-pot. Three years ago, I wasn’t able to deal with all the wrinkles in days like I have now. I wasn’t able to hold down a full-time job that places extra demands on my time management skills with its telecommuting aspects. I wasn’t able to hold down a job, period. I wasn’t able to hold a civil conversation with someone for longer than 15 minutes, and I wasn’t able to manage my money effectively. I wasn’t able to communicate with my spouse or take good care of my house and my yard. I was “functional” only because I had worked so hard over the years before to build up a lot of supports that were able to prop me up when I was in a bad place. They propped me up, but they also wore out and went away. The money. The job. The friends. The peace and stability in my home.
It’s taken a lot of hard work to get back to a place where I have at least some of those things back. It’s taken a lot of hard work to get to a place where I am once again able to maintain the life that I desire. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been possible. And it is good.
And for that, I am very, very grateful.