So, I have my list of things I need to do today. The top priority is making sure I have money in the right bank account, so that when I pay for my hotel, there’s no confusion.
I’m just going to take cash to the airport and exchange it there. Even if the exchange rate is worse and I pay more in fees, I will get reimbursed for that, and it will also simplify my life a great deal, to take care of the exchange later. I have to travel some distance around here to even find a bank that will sell me foreign currency.
The second priority for today is making sure I have all the pieces I need to travel comfortably – the right clothing for air travel, the noise-cancelling headphones that will make my flight smoother, and the mask that will keep me from getting sick from everyone else on the plane.
Last time I traveled overseas, I wore a surgical mask, and I did not get sick. I also did not get bothered by a lot of other travelers looking to strike up conversations. Even the flight attendants left me alone, which was a blessing.
For the record, I really hate engaging with people during air travel. It’s not that I don’t think they’re decent people – they just get so needy. They’re traveling away from their families, quite often, and they are looking for someone to talk to. They’re lonely.
I don’t get lonely when I am traveling alone. I enjoy it. And I don’t want to share some meaningful moments with a total stranger who will be gone from my life before you know it.
Air travel is a little like Thanksgiving with my family — I have to be surrounded by a lot of people who are not much like me, but I have to be in close quarters with them for a set amount of time, so I have to make the best of it.
I’m not much fun, these days. I’m just not in the mood for much of anything, and I don’t have a lot of joy for a lot of things in my life right now. It all feels like such a friggin’ chore. And I feel blocked into a job I thought was going to turn around, but has turned out to be an even bigger pain in the ass than the last one. I need to really be invested in this whole deal, in order to make a “go” of it, and that investment has gone down the tubes, thanks to overwork and a stupid uber-boss who I never really liked and is taking out their frustrations on their underlings. Additionally, the person I’m reporting to now, is even more clueless than the person I was reporting to before. They’re astonishingly manipulative, and they have no clue about what they’re doing, or what the consequences are going to be for others.
Please. Grow up, already. It’s not like I have a ton of time and energy to endure their stupidity.
But that’s their crap — and I have to keep that in mind.
For myself, I need to just focus on my own experience, and my own behavior and my own state of mind. Unfortunately, I have not been doing such a great job of that, lately.
One additional thing that’s made things more interesting, is that one of my teammates is leaving. They gave their notice last week, and yesterday was that last day I’ll see them, because they’ll be gone by the time I’m back in the country. It’s a mixed experience — they have made my life really difficult with their lack of experience, and they have been a source of constant distraction, with their poor work ethic and their constant chatting about things that have nothing to do with actual work. And while I have liked them well enough as a person, I have really hated working with them.
I mean, hated.
They were just so bad at some things, and the people in charge of them, were putting them in charge of doing the things they sucked at. Which made more work for me, because I was “downstream” and had to rework everything they did, a ton of times.
So, now they’re going, and it’s a relief. Although it’s not going to be easy to pick up the slack when they’re gone. Come to think of it, though, that’s not my problem. It’s their boss’es problem. And I was never their boss.
So there we have it.
And it’s time to move on. Get ready for this trip. Get my house in order, and just let go of a lot of things that I was really attached to, before — like the idea of having a new job I could really dig into. It was nice to think that for a while, but ultimately, it’s just not true. And once again I’m coming to terms with that fact.
It’s a little depressing, but the only reason it was depressing was that I had some unwarranted euphoria over things suddenly being That Much Better, thanks to the reorg. Things are better, sure, but there are a lot of people who lost something in the shuffle, who are making a stink and making life difficult for everyone, which is a total waste of time and only serves to vent their pain — onto others.
Again, lame and stupid. Juvenile.
The whole thing makes me want to just walk away. Or realize yet again — but as though for the first time (Groundhog Day alert) — that this is really just a job, and it’s on me to make of it what I can. And carve out my own experience in the midst of it all, regardless of what others are doing.
So, this is where the not-caring theme comes in again. I’ve heard it said by Zen masters and other guru-types, that getting all excited about how “good” something is, is just as problematic as getting all depressed about how “bad” something else is. It’s true. Either way, there’s an emotional flood that clouds your judgment and makes you think things are different from how they truly are. Getting all enthused over a new chapter in life, makes about as much sense as getting all depressed about an old chapter in life going away.
Either way, it’s just something you made up in your head about how things really are, and none of it might be true. We judge and we judge and we decide how things are, when none of it is actually true, in the objective sense. In fact, even in the objective sense, things can never be “true”, because observing them changes them and their outcomes. That’s been shown time and again with tons of research cases — looking at something and expecting a certain outcome has a real chance of making that actually happen.
It’s not new-agey flou-flou tra-la-la crap. It’s actually physics.
So, that being said, I have to gear up for my trip mentally and emotionally as well as logistically. Getting to the airport with all the items I need, is just part of the process. I really need to gear up in my head — let things go, let yesterday be yesterday, let today be today, and just take things as they come, without making it worse for me with all the mental static.
If my boss and their boss are both insane and stupid and childish, then that’s on them. I have a job to do, and I’m going to just do it. All the other infants/hobbits/muggles tossing around, jockeying for position can go on their merry way. I can’t be bothered with their emotional upheaval and their bad behavior. I’ve got sh*t to do.
And that sh*t includes having my own life and my own interests. Developing some interests and activities outside of work and doing things at work the way I want to do them, because that’s what I feel like doing. I’m not going to let others drag me down, and I’m going to really get what I can out of my experiences.
They’re my experiences, this is my life. And no, others aren’t welcome to crap all over them, just because they’re having issues.
Back to my original theme from yesterday — I have stopped caring. I’ve let it go. I can’t afford to care what others think or say or do or emote. That’s on them.
I’ve got my own life to live.