Day out – and about

A lovely day to be out and about

Yesterday was a pretty good day. I was up early — couldn’t sleep past 4:45 a.m., and it was the first day of the long weekend, so I thought, “Screw it”, and got up to just get into my day. I had a really good morning — juggled a bit, had my breakfast, did some research for a project I’m working on, ran a bunch of important errands, took a nap, and then went to a nearby vacation area with my spouse.

I hadn’t expected the place to be crowded, since we were getting there late and the day had been gorgeous, giving people lots of reasons to be out in it, from early morning till late afternoon. The traffic was heavy, getting to the middle of the town and down to the beach, but when we arriving, people were already leaving the area in droves, heading out to dinner with tired kids.

We found a spot to park, pulled out our lawn chairs, and then I went for a walk down to the water. Got my feet wet. Splashed around a bit. Ran with the waves. And just chilled.

We spent a few hours by the water, my spouse getting some sun, and I getting some exercise. We brought snacks, and I ate too much. Then we went and got some dinner, and I ate too much again. There was a lot of fatty fried foods, and my stomach started to hurt. Gall bladder. Not too bad, but noticeable.

After that, it was getting late. We decided to go exploring a bit, so we took the long way home and took a side road back to an overlook that was marked as “scenic”. We wound around through dark stretches of backwoods, and eventually came out to a vista overlooking a wide valley with towns far off in the distance. Overhead we could see the milky way and more stars that we’d seen in a long, long time.

It was beautiful, and a lot of other people thought so, too. There were lots of cars parked in the lot, without a lot of people in sight. Every now and then, we’d see people emerge from a trail with a flashlight. There must be trails down below that give you an even better view.

We took note of where we were, and we resolved to come back again in the future – during the day, so we can explore the trails and see what everything looks like broad daylight.

Then we found a place that sold coffee, got a couple of cups and a blueberry muffin, then hit the road and got home around midnight. Not bad for a day trip. And on this trip, there was no yelling, no fussing, no arguing. Just me and my spouse making an effort to really have a good time.

I went straight to bed, when we got home. I was bushed, and I fell asleep with my bedside lamp on. Around 2:30 in the morning, I woke up with a terrible stomach ache, feeling like I was going to throw up. Gall bladder.

I got up and went downstairs to find the Pepto Bismol, which is the only stuff that ever truly works for me. There was only a little bit left, and I drained the bottle. I went back to bed, my gut still aching, feeling like I was going to throw up. I did some acupressure points I found that let you stimulate your gall bladder, so it can do its job better. Thankfully, after a few minutes it worked. My gall bladder gurgled, and I felt a little whoosh of gall bladder emptying, and my stomach ache started to ease up.

I got back to sleep and slept till 8:00, which puts me at nearly 8 hours of sleep, last night.

I’ll take it.

My gall bladder is still bothering me a bit, but I did the points on my hand, foot, and belly, and I’m starting to feel better. I need to be careful of my gall bladder, because I’m drinking my butter coffee “rocket fuel” on a daily basis, and the fats don’t always sit well with me. Yesterday, I had several servings of “rocket fuel” at two different times in the day, I ate a bunch of potato chips, and I had fried fish and french fries for dinner. And I finished up the evening with some dark chocolate and part of a blueberry that was really rich — delicious, but still more fat. Yeah, not so great.

So, I’m taking it easy today with the food. I’m eating light, because I’ve been really eating a lot, lately. More than usual. And the wrong kinds of foods. I sorta kinda went off my routine, over the past week, eating McDonalds once for lunch, and snacking on more junk. I also started eating grains again, which is not good for me. I’m sensitive to the gluten, and it messes up my stomach.

So, no wonder I was in rough shape last night. I was afraid I’d gotten food poisoning. But once my gall bladder kicked into action, I was good. So, obviously the food was not bad — just not the right kind for me.

I’ve really got to watch my eating, these days. I’ve got a lot going on at work, so I’ve been eating more for “energy”, when what I really need is more sleep. And exercise. I haven’t been getting out as much as I should, and it’s showing. I’m not gaining a ton of weight, but I’m still feeling like pretty much of a lard, which doesn’t do much for my attitude and energy levels… so I eat, to pick myself up… which is even more problematic.

So, rather than sitting here feeling bad about everything, I’m going out for a walk. I’ve got another couple of days off work, so I’m going to make the most of them.


Stepping away, taking a break

Ahhh…. it’s waiting….

Ah, the start of vacation… The beginning of 10 days of obligation to do almost nothing at all.

I do need to clean out the car and pack it for the trip, but in a matter of hours, we’ll on the road, putting the rest of the world behind us… and having the space and time to catch up with the rest of the world that gets shoved aside in the mad rush of the everyday.

A time to stop and sit and reflect. A time to kick back and relax. A time to remember what matters most to me, what means most to me, and what I want most to do with my life. My job situation has shifted in a surprise that is causing me to radically rethink my direction. Two mid-level executives are leaving, which is going to open things up internally to shifts and changes which may work to my benefit. The dead-end that was in place just a month ago, has changed into something else. Who knows what that “something else” will turn out to be, but the bottom line is, some of the big reasons I have been planning to move on, may not even be factors by the time I get back from vacation. And by the end of the year, the company may look very different than it does now.

At the same time that things are changing on the outside with others, I know there are also changes I need to make in how I do things where I am now… because it’s not helping me in my search for what’s next. My bad attitude and resentment has been “leaking out” and it’s giving people visible pause to question why I am leaving, if things are so great where I am right now.

In any case, I have the next week and a half to just kick back and let it all roll right off me. I’m going to be beach – the weather is going to be beautiful – I will be seeing some good friends and taking a lot of time to stop and think and re-think some things that really matter a lot to me. The main thing I want to avoid, is what’s happened to me in the past — that I get caught up in obsessing about the problems I have back home and in my everyday… and that looping keeps me stuck in a very uncomfortable state of mind that doesn’t help me at all.

I really need a vacation – from my “everyday self” as much as from my everyday life. Rest, renew, reboot. And so it goes. I’d like to rest up sufficiently to stop the tremor in my hands, and cut back on the fatigue-caused vertigo… just to settle in and stabilize and get my strength back. It’s been too long since I last had a real vacation, so I’m hoping I can get back some of what I’m looking for… some of what I need.

I’m sure I’ll manage.

And now it’s time to manage the beginning of my vacation – pack my bags, pack the car, pick up some food and fill the gas tank, and off we go.

Yah, baby…

What shall I do?

Big Sur

I’m feeling profoundly sorry for myself, this evening. Lonely and lost and adrift.

But I’m being ridiculous. And tired. I realize that, and I have the good sense not to succumb to my despair.

Heck, I don’t have to stay stuck in my difficult experiences. I can choose to have whatever experience I want.

I can choose to live like I’m at the beach.

Yes, that sounds good. That’s what I’ll do — live like I’m at the beach.

I must admit, I’ve been fantasizing about ditching it all and moving to Hawai’i and living on the beach there. I’ve got relatives in the Honolulu area, and since their kids are all out and off in the world, they’d have room for me. Or, at least they’d let me use their shower. ‘Cause I’d rather live on the beach.

There’s always California, too. Someplace with lots of sand and waves and surfer life really appeals to me, these days, in the midst of all my hyper-responsibility.

What’s with the responsibility, anyway? How did I get to be grown up? Sometimes, it just sucks.

But back to how I want to live… I don’t want to live like I’m burdened by all this intense responsibility. I want to live like I’m whiling away my days on a beach, without a care in the world. And I can achieve that mindset myself, without needing to relocate (and divest of all my earthly possessions).

If I just live as though the things in my life aren’t weighing me down, and I treat my everyday experience like the discovery it is… then it doesn’t really much matter that I’m not camped out on a sandy stretch of open-air.

That’s what I’ll do – live like I live on the beach.

Lost to TBI: Enjoying Going to the Beach

I used to love to go to the beach, but in the past few years, I’ve come to dread it. Whereas I used to just race across the sand and dive into the water, I now become highly agitated and cannot relax. I don’t feel comfortable doing anything with abandon. And I dread walking near other people, attracting their attention, or playing in the water in public.

If the beach is empty, it’s one thing. But when the weather is beautiful, chances are, I’m going to be surrounded by people, which I no longer tolerate well. I get very uptight when there are a lot of people around. The conversation and noise distract me and I can’t relax, having to constantly filter out the sounds of other people’s conversations and music and arguments and barking dogs and… whatever. I also worry about being approached by people and not knowing how to handle myself — saying the wrong thing, doing something stupid, interacting with their dog(s) in the wrong way. I worry about looking the wrong way and having people think I’m angry or aggressive or hostile.

I’ve become deeply self-conscious about my appearance. I feel like I’m too pale or too lean or too lanky or too flabby or too… something that other people will notice unfavorably. I sometimes actually forget how I look, and I can end up walking around with bits of clothing or underwear or hanging out, haing my buttons being unevenly buttoned, or looking otherwise disheveled. And I won’t find out till it’s too late. I worry that this will happen to me on the beach. I worry that I’ll meet and talk with someone and I’ll make a fool of myself, and then I’ll see them in town later on, and I’ll be embarrassed by my behavior or my looks. It’s easier to just keep away from people, period.

I’m also nervous about going in the water — it’s very challenging for me. Whereas once, I used to just dive in and splash around, now I have to really focus and concentrate on the movement of the waves. Putting my head under water scares me, and I need to force myself to do it. Once I do, I feel better, and I can relax a little bit, but just getting my head under the water is a struggle at times.

The open space of a beach makes me nervous, as I don’t feel like I can manage my surroundings. I dread being out in the open, and I prefer to be in an enclosed area, where I know where I can hide or duck out of sight.

I feel much better when I can find a “sun trap” to hide away in. It gives me a break from the social anxiety of not knowing how I’ll (re)act/interact around other people, when I get too stressed. If I’m out in the open long enough, eventually I do get very stressed. And I either shut down or I melt down. Neither one is very pleasant for people with me.

It’s embarrassing and mortifying and I hate that I can’t deal with something as simple as going to the beach, as a 40-something grown individual who has always loved the ocean, the beach, and the feel of sand between my toes at sunset.

I fucking hate it.

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