“is it common for a stroke victim to lie about everything?”

house with black dots over it
This is what life after stroke may look like – you don’t realize what you don’t know… and you misrepresent it

Please Note: All brain injuries are different. They will affect people in different ways. The following are my observations from personal experience with a stroke survivor, as well as what I know about brain injury. Not everyone is going to have this. My point is, lying is a complex behavior that may be unintentional, as well as organically based — not deliberate or manipulative. Some people may be manipulators, and they may become moreso after stroke, but some people simply don’t realize what they’re doing, and they need help and compassion, not judgment and suspicion.

Somebody found their way to this blog by searching for this question: “is it common for a stroke victim to lie about everything?”

I believe it’s not uncommon.

Stroke can confuse you about what’s really going on. And they may not even realize they are lying.

Either that, or it can make a person very anxious, to the point where they’ll lie to get out of trouble, or they’ll just say whatever comes to mind, to cover their tracks.

It can be a real problem, because it can keep a stroke survivor from telling you exactly what’s going on with them.

And if you don’t know, you can’t help them the way they need to be helped.

It sucks.

But it happens.

Moving on

Earnings and taxes paid from 2005-2016
Earnings and taxes paid from 2005-2016

I’m done worrying about the whole neuropsych thing. Looking at my past earnings and taxes paid, I’ve been keeping steady since 2009, and I’m actually in a better situation now, than I was just a few years ago. That first couple of dips, right after my TBI, when my earnings fell through the floor, and my taxes actually exceeded my income (I had to hit my savings), got turned around pretty quickly. I’m not saying that I couldn’t have done it without help. But there seems to be an awfully strong connection between the time I’ve spent working with a neuropsych and prior to that. The money I’ve made has gone directly to helping others. So, it’s not like I’m sitting around getting rich. It would be nice if I could, but that’s not my goal. An awful lot of money has gone to everybody except me. I should probably change that pattern, I’m thinking…

The money’s just an outward indication of how well I’ve been doing, overall. I can’t even begin to tell you just how much better my thinking process is, just from talking with the right kind of professional with the right kind of mindset. Clearer thinking that doesn’t get dragged into my TBI-induced fog… that’s priceless.

It’s been great, having someone in my court, over the past 8 years, but at the same time, it hasn’t always been that great. There’s been a fair amount of aggravation and problematic stuff in my life that they haven’t helped with. I’ve taken care of those things myself — and never said a word to them.

I’ve looked to them more for professional insight on my situation, as well as my spouse’s. That’s been hugely helpful. But it hasn’t been without its pitfalls.

I know I’m not like the standard-issue patient. I’m independent, yes. I think for myself, yes. I keep my own counsel in may respects, and I don’t expect someone else to give me all the answers. I just look for others who have a specific set of domain expertise, so I can bounce ideas off them.

There aren’t many people like that in my world, on a regular basis.

So, having someone there with PhD level expertise and years of experience to round out their perspective, has really been very helpful.

I guess I’ll have to look somewhere else to find that kind of input. Connect with other people who can — and want to — discuss the role of the brain in cognition and behavior. It sounds obvious. Of course the brain is involved in cognition and behavior, but it’s the specific mechanics that really interest me. And I have yet to find others who share my fascination.

Maybe I just haven’t looked around enough. I’m sure that’s it. If I spent the same amount of time finding new connections that I usually spent with my NP (4+ hours, once a week), I’m sure I could expand my world. The problem is, those interactions would be unstructured, which is difficult for me to deal with. I need structure and a clear beginning and ending, to make the most of the time. I also don’t want to chat about this and that. I want to dig right into the “meat” of the subjects I’m addressing. I’m on a mission, and I need to interact with others who are as focused as I am.

So, what is my focus? Well, for years, it was both recovering from mild TBI and getting my life back on a track that I could be genuinely happy with. Maybe I’m an overachiever of sorts, but I can’t see why I should do any less than I’m capable of. I have a lot I want to accomplish, and that takes industrial-strength focus and determination. I’m hard-headed, that’s for sure, so that will carry me through a lot of situations. But I also need to be mindful of the ways that my brain tends to work against me.

Things like getting enough sleep. Eating right. Getting enough exercise.

And having some good support in place.

I still need to figure this one out. It’s all a work in progress. Maybe I find someone I can work with, maybe I don’t. I’ll give it a try today, and see what I can come up with. Make some calls. Do some research.

It’s all a process, anyway.

Onward.

 

Choosing to stay chilled out

Image shows a cat lying on its back on an easy chair, with a t.v. remote lying on its belly
Image shows a cat lying on its back on an easy chair, with a t.v. remote lying on its belly

I’ve been uptight for way too long. I’ve been cranked up, worked up, stressed out, for as long as I can remember. In fact, I didn’t know how to relax until about 10 years ago, when I started deliberately practicing that.

I had no choice. My spouse was seriously ill. I was losing it. I had to figure out a way to get myself back from the edge… I was dangerously close to it, and my life was literally disintegrating around me, along with my sanity.

I got help. I found a neuropsych who could work with me.

I also learned how to do “progressive relaxation” — and I did it on a regular basis. It wasn’t just some fun thing I wanted to try out. It was life-and-death, and the balance of my life depended on it. I sat za-zen. I meditated each day before I did anything, and then again when I went to bed.

Over the years, I’ve lost touch with that old practice. I just didn’t feel like doing it anymore. And I’ve gotten increasingly cranked up and tied up in knots, as the months and years have progressed.

I’m back at that “choice point” again. Relaxation isn’t optional for me. It’s got to become a way of life. It’s not that I’m close to the edge. I’m just sick and tired of being stressed out about everything, and having nothing good come of it. Consider it a reality check on the ROI of being stressed. The return on the “investment” isn’t good.

That means, the time and energy spent is it’s not an investment. It’s a waste. I can’t get those hours and days and weeks back, that I lost to being stressed. They’re gone for good. And what do I have to show for them? A little, but not a lot.

So, I’m going to try something very different. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to keep this up, but my plan is to keep my system in a prolonged state of relaxation. Just let my body relax. Just let my mind not worry about all that sh*t that everybody else is so worried about. I get too bent about crap I can’t control. It’s just kind of dumb. What the heck do I expect to happen as a result of my outrage, anyway? That it’s going to change anything? It doesn’t — except my internal state of mind. It just wrecks my peace. It doesn’t actually turn the speeding car in the right direction. If anything, it just pushes my internal accelerator to the floor.

And what do I have to show for it, after all those years of slamming the pedal to the metal? Not a whole lot, to be honest. I’ve spent a lot of time being angry, frustrated, outraged, confused, and not nearly as successful as I’d like to be. I’ve gotten in my own way, with all the frenzy. I’ve literally made myself sick, by letting my fight-flight response get the better (and worse) of me.

I know, I know, TBI has complicated matters for me. It’s at the root of much of my suffering, and not understanding it has made things so much worse. There’s no doubt of that. But I’ve also made things more difficult for myself by my choices to get bent out of shape, and stay that way — and also by not actively managing my issues. I have no excuse, now. I haven’t had an excuse for years. I know I’ve got sh*t going on with me, and it’s my responsibility to handle it, already.

But I’m getting tense again.

Let’s try to change that… No, don’t just try — DO.

To quote Yoda…

Do, or do not. There is no try.

It is possible to actively change your internal state from fight-flight to relaxation. I’ve known how to do it for years. But I haven’t consistently made a habit of it.

Till now. Till I got sick and tired of having nothing to show for my outrage, other than… outrage.

For the past couple of days, I’ve been deliberately relaxing when I felt myself tighten up. I tighten up — get tense — a lot. After being in a constantly tense state for most of my life, I know how to do that. It’s an immediate reflex. A knee-jerk response.

And when I consciously relax — just let it all go — things tend to clear up. Even if they don’t completely clear up, I feel better. And that’s something. I’m tired of feeling bad all the time, for no good reason. I’m old enough to know better, and I do. I’m also old enough to want to just enjoy myself, instead of chasing all sorts of distant goals that — if I’m honest — were never going to work out, in the first place.

Enough wasting the energy. Enough wasting time I’ll never get back.

Time to relax.

Choose to chill.

And enjoy my life.

Regardless.

Onward.

Turning a new page in the chapters of my life… again

open book with a landscape scene in the pages
This picture looks a lot more pleasant than my situation feels…

I’ve shifted direction in my TBI recovery, yet again. I’ve had to do some soul-searching, over the past year, as I’ve adjusted to the change in neuropsychologists — and my insurance company said they wouldn’t cover the support I need on a weekly basis. My official diagnosis, for insurance billing purposes is “Generalized Anxiety Disorder”. Ha – if only they knew. Actually, my anxiety is very specific. It’s comprehensive and exhaustive in detail. Calling it “generalized” isn’t exactly accurate.

Basically, some doctor who’s contracted to review their cases said he can’t see any reason why I continue to  need professional support from a neuropsych, and I should seek out “community support” instead.

So, I guess I’m supposed to attend support groups held by the local BIA or something like that. Or make more friends. Maybe call a support hotline. Dunno.

That’s all very well and good, and in a perfect world scripted by Hollywood, that would work. The thing is, I’m the sole caregiver for an increasingly challenged spouse, who has trouble walking, and is getting more emotionally volatile, impulsive, and forgetful by the month. I’m the sole breadwinner for our household, and my responsibilities include $upporting a weekly national broadcast that’s run on over 100 markets nationwide. I have a mortgage. I have a full-time job. I have a lot of people depending on me, but my ability to reach out for help is constrained by A) my reluctance to disclose my TBI history to anyone, and B) my spouse’s professional reputation, which is very much at stake.

If I disclose my TBI and the full range of my challenges (which extend past the brain injury stuff) and get 100% accurate about what I need and why, I will automatically enter the ranks of the “disabled”, according to the official definition.

And I can’t have that. No way. No how.

This is not a slam against disabled people. It is a slam against our society which stigmatizes and relegates the disabled to second-class citizens and makes it next to impossible to live a full life with a designation of “disabled”.

I cannot live my life in a “disabled” social/economic bracket. I just can’t. And as long as I can keep up the appearance of performing at “normal” levels, I’m going to do exactly that. Regardless.

If I turn to the community for help — leaning on friends and acquaintances and my social circle — my spouse will pay the price. Because they are keeping up appearances, too, and much of what they do with others hinges on others’ perception of them as a 100% capable individual. The mobility issues are obvious to everyone, but their cognitive-behavioral challenges only appear behind closed doors. I can’t go around telling the world about what really happens, because that would seriously hose their reputation and ability to participate and be accepted in the circles they work in.

So, there’s my conundrum. And there’s the reason I could really use a neuropsych who understands not only TBI, but other neurologically based cognitive-behavioral issues.

I have a couple of choices:

  1. I can find another neuropsych (“NP”) who can work with me, who is smarter about billing with the right codes, not to mention helping me rise above my current situation. I need to do this, anyway, because the current NP is very focused on just averting disaster — calling attention to the problems I have, rather than my strengths. I’ve developed a bit of a complex, working with them. My old NP was very focused on growth and development and living large, even in the face of TBI. This one… not so much.
  2. I can go it alone. I’ve done that before, and an awful lot of TBI survivors do just that. I’ve got access to a lot of great NP books — some on my bookshelf, some in the library — so I can study up on it, myself. I’ve pretty much rehabilitated myself, anyway, in many respects. My old NP told me so. I’ve sometimes wondered why the heck I have to work with an NP, anyway. I’m not nearly as bad-off as many. I’m more functional than even those who haven’t gotten hit on the head a bunch of times. Why not just handle this myself?

Here’s the thing — I really am focused on growth and development, and I’m also very focused on a neuropsychological approach. And it’s important to me to have access to a highly trained professional who can offer their expertise and insights to my situation. I’m not like a lot of TBI survivors who don’t have an academic interest in this stuff. I’m very different. And my results have been atypical for TBI recovery.

My old NP told me so. In 40 years of rehab work, they’d never seen anything like it.

So, anyway, I got a bunch of names to contact about getting another NP evaluation, as well as working with my situation to improve and take things to the next level. I got the info a week ago, but I took a bunch of days off, just to relax and let myself catch up with things. Now I’ve had my break, so it’s time to start calling around. I’ll do that this morning.

If I find someone, great. If I don’t, I’ll take matters into my own hands. Even if I do find someone, I’ll still do that. It’s all a work in progress. The next chapter… as the page turns.

A nice long weekend – a chance to reset

duckling chasing a cat on a roomba
You just gotta keep going till you’ve covered all the bases

It’s Saturday. I get another chance to get myself straightened out, today. This week has been pretty demanding. I’ve got a lot going on at work, and unfortunately, a lot of the people I’m dealing with in other offices don’t actually respond to you unless you “get heavy” with them. I hate that. I hate having to throw a fit, threaten then, cc my (and their) boss, and push them to do what they should be doing from the start, anyway.

A lot of the people I’m dealing with are much younger than I. They’re young enough to be my children (which is a very strange thought, to be honest). And they’re often from the other side of the world. For some reason, they seem to think they know what they’re doing. They don’t. They still have a steep learning curve ahead of them, and they don’t seem to understand just how much I — and others at my level — really know. We’ve already been through their learning curve, and we’ve learned from experience… for 15-20 years more than they.

But do they listen? Do they respect me, and others like me? Apparently not. They love to lecture me about “how things are” and “what’s expected”. Oh my God. I just don’t have time for their strangely supercilious attitude. And — God help me — I have to resort to threats to get them to pay attention, when all I want is for them to work collegially with me and do their damn’ jobs. All I want is to work with people who act like peers, who respect others, who are focused on doing the right thing — not the politically expedient thing.

I know, I know… I’m being unreasonable again.

Well, anyway, it’s Saturday and I have the whole weekend to reset — even more than that, because it’s the Fourth of July next Tuesday, and a whole lot of people will be taking Monday off. So, I effectively have a 4-day weekend (where I only use 3 of those days). I look forward to Monday, actually, to get some things done. To think. To strategize. To get my head together and think about things in deliberate the ways that work best for me.

I’m looking forward to having some time to read and think, for 3 of those 4 days. I’ve been so busy at work and with other projects, I haven’t had time to zero in on my TBI work, lately. That’s been the case for over a year now. When my old neuropsych moved away, I lost a valuable connection that kept me focused on my TBI recovery in some really productive ways. Losing that weekly presence in my life was a significant loss. We do keep in touch as friends (not in a rehab context), but it’s not the same. I need to see if I can incorporate more TBI stuff into our conversations. It’s tricky, though. Not sure how best to do that…

Anyway, for some reason, life feels like it’s opened up for me. I feel less pressure, for some reason. Maybe because I’ve decided for certain that I’m not staying in this current job past the end of the year. That helps. Seeing an end to all this foolishness… it gives me hope. I’ve made peace with it. I’ve done my 2 years of duty here. It’s time to move on. It’s been time to move on… but skipping out on a job before 2 years are up, is generally not seen as a good thing. At the end of this month, I’ll be at the 2-year mark, so that’s my virtual starting line. Then I can start really pursuing other opportunities. And in the meantime, I can still do my work — and enjoy it as best I can.

This past week, I actually applied for a job that someone approached me about. It looked perfect for me in terms of responsibilities and money, and I applied for it. But I never heard back from anyone, so I guess it’s not going to happen. I may “ping” them next week, just to see what’s going on. Maybe they already found someone.

Well, whatever. There are no perfect jobs, and maybe that one would have been a pain in the a$$. I may never know. Just keep moving along. Just keep moving along.

It’s Saturday. The first day of a long weekend (even with that single day in there). It’s a chance to reset my sense of things, to settle in to do some actual thinking about stuff. I’ve been in reaction mode all week, and that’s a real drain.

Time to think. And get some stuff done on my own, rather than wrangling with other people and their issues.

It’s pretty awesome when that happens. And it’s happening now.

Onward.

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Whoah – I was NOT expecting this

Namibia Desert
It feels like I’m slogging through a desert, sometimes. But there’s an oasis in the distance… I think.

Back when I fell in 2004, I was positive it wasn’t going to bother me.

So I hit the back of my head on those stairs. So what?

So I was having trouble sleeping, and I had “anger issues”. What did that have to do with anything?

Well, I found out.

Over the course of months (and years), I progressively lost my capacity to perform at the level I’d been at before. I couldn’t interact effectively with people at work. I couldn’t understand what they were saying, and I couldn’t make myself understood. I couldn’t hold my attention on anything for more than a few minutes. I couldn’t learn the things I needed to learn — and my job as a programmer was really all about learning.

I was crazy-impulsive, and I couldn’t seem to keep anything straight in my head. I bounced from job to job, progressively becoming less and less able to function, increasingly unable to even conceptualize how to program.

All the things I’d done almost for 15 years were suddenly a big-ass mystery to me, and I was lost… lost I tell you.

So, I changed direction. I moved into different types of work. Less programming. More project oversight. Project management. More people, less machines.

And it was fine for a while. It was actually really good for me. For four years, I worked with an international group of team members all across the globe, coordinating their work on most of the continents. I did all kinds of conference calls, trainings, projects, you name it. If people were involved, I did it. And there was less and less actual programming involved.

I did some things on my own, and some of what I did was pretty cool. But my thought process was convoluted, and looking at the code now, I’m surprised any of it actually ran. It ran, but I also ran out of steam before I could refine and finish my concepts. It was demoralizing, too. Because I’d get so tired — mentally tired — with all the work. I couldn’t keep going on the things I used to love the most. And I couldn’t seem to keep up on my skills.

That persisted for a number of years. I tried to get back into the programming world about 5 years back, but when I interviewed and people saw how I coded, they actually laughed at me. I was a has-been. Washed up. I couldn’t hold my head up. I could only scurry back to my corner and stay in my non-programming domain.

Lately, however, something has changed. It’s shifted. It’s actually taken a dramatic turn for the better. And all of a sudden, programming makes sense to me. Stuff that used to confuse and frustrate me… it doesn’t anymore. I find I can actually concentrate for extended periods of time, which is key and critical for this kind of work. I don’t lose my temper as quickly, I don’t give up as quickly. I can keep going, keep analyzing, keep working at problems I need to solve. And that’s a huge change for me.

It’s a change I was not expecting.

At all.

I had pretty much given up, to be honest. I had abandoned the idea of ever being able to seriously program again. Making up my own personal projects, where I able to move at my own pace, was one thing. Being an industrial-strength developer again, where I could crank out professional-grade code… that was something very different.

Now, though, I find myself more and more able to handle the extended process of deep thought and learning that was once so much a part of my daily life. I find myself more and more able to keep calm in the face of adversity and think rationally through sticky quandaries that used to stump and frustrate me. It’s a very different feel — a very different situation — a qualitatively different sense, compared to where I was, just a few years ago.

So, yeah — life after TBI does change. It improves. It shifts. It has plenty of surprises. Not everyone has the same experience, of course. Some people recover much more quickly than I have. Others not as quickly. Some never get back to where they want to be, while others may hardly notice a difference in their lives after head trauma. It’s always different from person to person. But every now and then, commonalities appear.

And that’s what we have to focus on – our commonalities, so we can learn from each other.

Problems after TBI are rife and rampant. We have tons of them, in fact.

We just have to keep going, to get to the other side — whatever “side” that may be for us.

And the weekend is right around the corner. Now I can get some things done.

blue sky over the prairie
Just keep going…

I hate being really busy. Some people love it. I hate it. I find it confusing and irritating and counter-productive. “Don’t think, just react,” seems to be the battle cry of the modern world, but if you think about … how far has that gotten us?

I think we could do with more thinking and less reacting. Living life like it’s not a game being played for fun and profit, but simply — yes, simply — doing the best you can with what you have.

Things have been cooking… I’ve talked to two recruiters in the past week about potential jobs. Neither of the two prospects was a good fit, and that helped me clarify more how I want to move forward. I’ve been wanting to “hole up” and dig into a future in cutting-edge data. You know, just block out the rest of the world and live my life with data.

But as much as I would like to dive into a sexy new field, I’m not sure I really want to be chasing after that. I’m not up on all the latest technology, and people are looking for pretty intense qualifications. I could get those qualifications, but it’s more trouble than feels worth it. Plus, it’s not good for me to huddle off in a corner by myself and never have contact with other people. I really need interaction. If I work from home more than 1 day in a row, I start to get irritable and irrational. Interacting with people — not just numbers — keeps me sane.

Rather than trying to rekindle the glory of my past (when I could spend hours and days and weeks on end all by myself, wrangling with code), I now want to focus on more social types of work — more interactive, more socially stimulating. I work well with techie people. Geeks. Nerds. Subject matter experts. I love trading knowledge and trivia tidbits. And they get along with me pretty well, I have to say. Because we’re “of a kind”.

And at this point in my life, I need to stick with what I’m best at and develop from there, not cast about, looking for the next greatest thing. The tech scene is totally different, today, than it was 20 years ago. I should know. I helped build it, 20 years ago.

Anyway, these are just some things on my mind. Work has been extremely busy, lately, and nobody knows what’s happening… if we’re going to have jobs in another few months. There are rumblings in the rumor mill (of course there are, when aren’t there?) In the midst of it all, I’m extremely busy with my work — so much so, that I haven’t had as much time as usual for my own interests. Like this blog.

I have a handful of other irons in the fire, and I’ve been working on them. But everything feels rushed and cramped, and I hate that feeling.

Busy. Too busy.

What I actually realize about myself is that I push myself to busy-ness when I get tired. And I’ve been getting more and more tired over the past weeks. So, I have added more stuff to my plate, which is not helpful.

It’s unsustainable.

So, I’ve been getting more sleep, lately. And I’ve been thinking more strategically. Not just diving in with “tactics”, but stepping back and figuring out how I can do what I want to do in a more clever, more manageable (and sustainable) way.

Lo and behold, I got some ideas.

Some of it has to do with having a longer timeline for some projects — not having to have them done right away, but giving them time to percolate, so I don’t sink a ton of time and energy into things that aren’t actually good ideas, to begin with.

Some of it is about keeping things simple. Just narrowing my focus and concentrating on a select set of a handful of projects, instead of casting far and wide and spreading myself too thin. I forget just how scattered I can get, how my brain gets going around developing side-interests, off-shoots of concepts and ideas and interests. When I get tired, I’m even more susceptible to that tendency. And I’ve been tired.

So, how to avoid this in the future? I’ve gone ’round the barn on a handful of boondoggles, over the past weeks, and I need to not have that happen again. I’m doing what’s necessary to keep myself on track now, and I need to keep that up.

The weekend is coming. I can get a whole lot done, when I’m focused and concentrating on what’s in front of me, instead of letting my brain get scattered and run in every conceivable direction.

Less is more, sometimes. And I’ve got a lot to do. So, it’s time to do less. And get more done.

Yes! The weekend. I have a feeling this is going to be good.

The day after that inevitable sleepless night

sleeping chameleon
I’m feeling a little out-of-it today.

So, my sleep has been going really well, lately. I’ve been getting anywhere between 7.25 and 8.5 hours a night, regularly, which is great.

Last night was not one of those nights. I tossed and turned, couldn’t get comfortable, had a lot of aches and pains, couldn’t turn my head off… you know the drill. And all the while, my head is thinking, “Dude, you need to turn yourself off. Now.

Easier said than done. I think I got maybe 5 hours…? If I was lucky. And now I’m feeling out of it, foggy, irritable. Not the way I want to feel, first thing on Monday morning.

Every now and then I have a night like that. Sometimes, it can’t be helped. Of course, my schedule was way off — I changed things up in a big way, yesterday, and went for an afternoon swim with my spouse. We’ve been meaning to get to the really excellent saltwater pool of a hotel about 20 minutes from home. They have a great fitness center, too, and they’re less expensive than a lot of fitness centers I’ve been to. Plus, they have “adult time” blocked off for adults who just need to do laps. Or sit in the hot tub.

My spouse has some pretty significant mobility issues, and they need to get in a pool and move — take the gravity pressure off — as well as sit in the hot tub for a few minutes to ease the back pain.

So, we actually got our sh*t together and headed up the road shortly after noon. Got there in good time. Signed in, changed, and headed for the pool. We took our time, obviously, because of the mobility business. But before long, we were in the water.

Unfortunately, the guests weren’t honoring the “adult time” block — there were a bunch of screaming kids in the water, splashing around and generally being kids. That made it a little challenging to just chill out and do exercises/laps. Eventually, the kids left, so I could do some laps and my spouse could do their water exercises in peace. Then the hot tub… just sitting in the water and soaking felt fantastic.

I also got to spend some time in the sauna. They have one of those, too, which is a huge bonus for me — I’ve been wanting to get in the sauna for years, but haven’t had access — more on that later.  I didn’t stay in too long (that’s not healthy — 10 minutes tops is recommended). But I did get a bit of heat, which is so important. Especially on cold rainy days like yesterday.

So, I got in a swim on the weekend, which is huge for me. And I can do it again, anytime I like. I got a sauna. I didn’t get on the weight machines, but I can do that some other time. They have good machines. A whole range. I look forward to using them.

And my spouse got their workout in, which is borderline epic. They’ve been saying they’d do it for months and months. And now it’s happened. And that’s a very, very good thing.

When we got home, I was wiped out. Just spent. I needed to sleep, in any case, and then the workout pushed me even further. So, I got a nap, when we got home. I slept for 2 and a half hours… then lay in bed for another 15 minutes. By the time I was up and around, it was late. I had to make supper. Then we watched the latest Jason Bourne movie. And that cranked me up. Then I got in trouble for putting my spouse’s delicates in the dryer (I put them on low, which is basically just tossing them around in a cool breeze, which I thought was fine). And it looked like I’d ruined one of their favorite tops… until we read the label, and it turned out I’d actually done exactly what they told me to do…

So, there was lateness.

And excitement.

And arguing.

And a bit of door-slamming on my part.

And then a little bit of humor, when my spouse came to find me and show me that the top was completely ruined.

It was a full day.

And I didn’t get enough sleep, last night.

But that’ll happen, now and then.

The important thing is, yesterday was a really, really good day, and we/I accomplished a helluva lot that needed to get done.

It’s Monday. Time to bring it.

Onward.

Morning fog… morning agitation

village in valley with fog and sunrise
Today I’m feeling foggy, like this village – but less pretty (Photo credit: Sebastian Unrau)

One of the most bothersome parts of TBI is the irritability that comes when I’m foggy and tired. Like today. And last night.

I have had a really long and full week. I wasn’t expecting it to be as challenging as it has been — a lot of people have been out of the office at a conference, so it’s been quiet. Kind of.

Lots of stuff has “blown up”, though. And that hasn’t been good. I’m taking it personally, when projects don’t go as planned, even though there are whole teams of people not bothering to pay attention, these days.

So, that’s been exciting. And tiring.

Meanwhile, at home, things have been wearing, as well. I don’t get a break, when I get home. It’s more work. Everything feels like work.

Of course, if I can get some extra rest, it’s fine. But that hasn’t been happening. If anything, I’ve had earlier days than usual, lately, and that’s been taking a toll, as well.

The toll is angry outbursts.

Getting more tweaked about things that don’t normally bother me.

Blowing things out of proportion.

And then feeling terrible about myself, because I couldn’t keep my cool.

So, I’ll try again today. Take a nap later.

And keep going.

Onward.

Seems strange that we don’t know more about #concussion

According to the CDC’s web page(s) on TBI and Concussion:

How big is the problem?

  • In 2013,1 about 2.8 million TBI-related emergency department (ED) visits, hospitalizations, and deaths occurred in the United States.
    • TBI contributed to the deaths of nearly 50,000 people.
    • TBI was a diagnosis in more than 282,000 hospitalizations and 2.5 million ED visits.  These consisted of TBI alone or TBI in combination with other injuries.
  • Over the span of six years (2007–2013), while rates of TBI-related ED visits increased by 47%, hospitalization rates decreased by 2.5% and death rates decreased by 5%.
  • In 2012, an estimated 329,290 children (age 19 or younger) were treated in U.S. EDs for sports and recreation-related injuries that included a diagnosis of concussion or TBI.3
    • From 2001 to 2012, the rate of ED visits for sports and recreation-related injuries with a diagnosis of concussion or TBI, alone or in combination with other injuries, more than doubled among children (age 19 or younger).3

What are the leading causes of TBI?

  • In 2013,1 falls were the leading cause of TBI. Falls accounted for 47% of all TBI-related ED visits, hospitalizations, and deaths in the United States. Falls disproportionately affect the youngest and oldest age groups:

    • More than half (54%) of TBI-related ED visits hospitalizations, and deaths among children 0 to 14 years were caused by falls.
    • Nearly 4 in 5 (79%) TBI-related ED visits, hospitalizations, and deaths in adults aged 65 and older were caused by falls.
  • Being struck by or against an object was the second leading cause of TBI, accounting for about 15% of TBI-related ED visits, hospitalizations, and deaths in the United States in 2013.

    • Over 1 in 5 (22%) TBI-related ED visits, hospitalizations, and deaths in children less than 15 years of age were caused by being struck by or against an object.
  • Among all age groups, motor vehicle crashes were the third overall leading cause of TBI-related ED visits, hospitalizations, and deaths (14%). When looking at just TBI-related deaths, motor vehicle crashes were the third leading cause (19%) in 2013.

  • Intentional self-harm was the second leading cause of TBI-related deaths (33%) in 2013.

That, to me, is a pretty big deal. And that’s not even counting the costs of concussion to all the people who sustain them, as well as the friends, family members, co-workers, and employers involved.

While other diseases, injuries, conditions, etc. have “epidemic” status and get a whole lot of attention and visibility drawn to them, concussion / TBI still lurks just under the surface. Maybe because it’s so scary for people. Maybe because it’s so invisible. Maybe because people still have this perception of TBI as being “just a clunk on the head” that’s no big deal.

Guess what — it is a big deal. And it affects your whole person.

So, maybe people really do get that. They just don’t have the ways of thinking/taking about it in a productive way.

Maybe we just aren’t properly equipped.

I’m not sure there’s ever a way to properly equip people to confront their deepest, darkest fears. But the right information goes a long way.

Also, having standards of care, getting the word out on a regular basis about how to understand and handle concussion / TBI, and not treating it like a taboo that can’t be discussed in polite company… that would help, too. Heck, if we could just discuss it, period, that would be a positive development.

Well, that’s what this blog is about. Sharing information, as well as discussing what it’s like from a personal point of view. It’s important. And it doesn’t happen that often, in a productive and pro-active way. At least, not compared to the frequency with which it happens.

It really doesn’t.

Except here, of course.

So, as always, onward…