Letting things just be

You gotta know what’s what – for real

I had a long weekend, with a lot of work of all kinds. I did some work for my day-job, and I also worked with my spouse to help them with a business trip on Saturday. Then I spent most of Sunday with a house guest, who stayed until 5 p.m.

I typically prefer to have time to myself on the weekends – to be alone and undisturbed by others. I had a lot to do, and interacting with other people takes time. It takes a lot of time. And energy. And attention I’d rather put somewhere else.

One of the things that makes interacting with other people difficult for me, is that I really expend a lot of energy when I’m interacting with them. I really make an effort to see their points of view and to just let them be who and what they are. It’s a fair amount of work for me, because most of the things I see and hear and watch people doing, saying, choosing, really conflicts with what I would do, say, or choose.

But it’s their choice and it’s their life. Even if I can see that their deeds, words, and choices are going to lead them down an unfortunate path, I have to stand back and let them do it. It’s not up to me, to save them. Or even to give them a clue about what’s ahead. That’s for them to find out. If I didn’t care so much about the sufferings of others, my life might be considerably easier.

But I do care. And it is extremely hard to watch people do the things they do.

Who am I to take them to task, though? Who am I to step in and draw their attention to things? We all have to walk our own paths, and we all have to make our own mistakes.

I just don’t much care for being pulled into the foolishness that they propagate. When the people doing the ill-advised things are in charge, and they are affecting the lives of countless others on a very large scale, well, that’s a problem. Especially if one of those people is me.

So, in that case, standing by and doing nothing, saying nothing, never speaking out and never raising any questions, is negligent on my part. We all have responsibility for certain things that happen around us. The real puzzle is knowing which of those things we are complicit with, and choosing the right path to take.

For me, the right path is (ultimately) off into the sunset — toward the horizon — and away from the situation where I now am. There is so much more that I can be doing with my skills and abilities, and nobody I work with is actually mature and experienced enough to recognize that. So, I’m limited by their lack of vision and experience.

It really does boil down to experience. And there’s not a damn’ thing I can do about that.

So, in the spirit of picking my battles, I’m working on stepping back and letting things be. I need to observe them and figure out which things I want to dive into, and which things I want to leave alone. A whole lot of drama can be alleviated by just being still and letting it settle down. Then the drama dissipates. The swirling mud sinks to the bottom of the pool, and we can get clear again.

The main thing is to just remain calm and allow it to be. Just be.

And in those times when I let things get the better of me, and all the dust and muck gets kicked up and swirled into a muddy mess, I need to just step back, step away, and let myself settle down… so I can stop stirring the pot, myself.

Half the time, the pot doesn’t need to be stirred, anyway, and all the drama and kerfluffle has nothing to do with what’s actually going on at the moment. It has to do with everything else in the world that people are experiencing — the imaginary past, the elusive present, the anticipated future. And it has nothing to do with reality. At all. Things would be so much simpler, if we could just let them be, but no… people seem to be hard-wired to dive head-first into drama.

Of course, I know exactly how that works. For sure. It’s a mix of biochemistry, neurology, and the combination of fear, anxiety, fatigue, pressure, stress… that whole big mess o’ things that — for some reason — we seem to think life has to be.

It doesn’t. We’re just trained that way. Everything from our media to our interpersonal relationships, are marinated in drama. It wakes us up. It makes us feel alive. It makes us feel important, or right, or righteous, or powerful. It makes us feel as though we alone know “what’s what” in the world, and it’s comforting that way.

But ultimately, all that amounts to is drama. Biochemistry. Neurology. Habit.

It’s not real.

And that’s the thing I need to keep in mind and remember. I did an okay job of remembering it this weekend, when I started to get all OCD over my work situation and started to get all worked up over scenarios I was imagining. The imaginary scenarios were both historical (they had happened, and I’d decided what they were about and what they meant) as well as anticipated (they hadn’t yet happened, and I was pretty sure they would). And I was getting really worked up over them, while I was trying to fall asleep last night.

But I got a hold of it and remembered that I was frittering away precious time on what was basically an illusion — something I made up in my mind about what was happening/going to happen, and what it all meant — and there was not much reality to it, other than the sensations that were coursing through my veins and making my heart rate go nuts. It wasn’t serving any purpose and it wasn’t helping me at all.

So, I stopped. I just let it be. I reminded myself that the only thing that was giving any of it any reality, was me and my conviction that I knew what was what.

Silly.

Once I stopped, and I got myself calmed down, I went right to sleep. Which is what I was needing to begin with.

And that’s progress.

It’s also progress, that I’m seeing more and more clearly each day, just now made-up our world really is. We invent all these interpretations of how things are and what’s happening and what it means, and then we leap into action without checking it out first. We “jump on it” and make a mess of things, and then we run around like chickens with our heads cut off, trying to fix what we screwed up in the first place. It’s all very exciting, and it makes us feel like we’re making progress, but we’re doing the opposite — creating a lot of drama and suffering for ourselves and everyone around us.

So, in that spirit, I’m going to start my day. I’m working at home today, because I’m finally able to get a plumber in to fix a leak that has gotten progressively worse over the past two months. At last, I have the money to pay them, and I have the time for them to come to the house. Those two things have been sorely lacking in the past months.

Speaking of sorely lacking time, I think I’m going to take a day off, pretty soon. All this working, all this pushing, all the interactions with house guests and visitors and new co-workers has kicked the crap out of me, and I need a day to myself. I need some silence. Just silence.

So, I’ll look at my schedule and pick a day that works for me to just check out. Every now and then, I need a break. From everything.

But for now, it’s into the day for me.

Onward.

 

 

Working my way through all this…

It’s been a few months, since I first put 2 and 2 together and realized that there was actually an “umbrella” that I could collect all my internal issues under — Mild Traumatic Brain Injury, or MTBI.

I’ve been talking to folks in support groups and medical professionals, and it just amazes me how little information is readily available, unless you’re “locked on target” and deliberately seeking it out. I am locked on target and I’m on a mission to figure all this out, and it’s my hope that my writing on this blog will help others who are pretty much clueless about what TBI is and how it can affect your life and that of others.

I came across a great book, which I’m gradually working my way through, called Brain, Heal Thyself by a caretaker for a stroke survivor, who helped her friend return to functional health — despite what the medical establishment said was possible. I’m still reading, but on page xvi of the Introduction, one of the great things she says is how medical professionals like to say “Every stroke is different,” as a way to get out of answering our “weird” questions. Amen to that! I am so sick and tired of that lame cop-out, where people who go to school for many years, studying the dead and the dying (they start out with cadavers, after all, and often see only people who are so far gone they can no longer avoid visiting a doctor), can’t bring themselves to study the living… or give us the credence to take in the information we pass along to them, because it can’t be standardized, categorized and controlled the way they’d like.

I am just so sick of it. The conflicting information, the arrogance of a medical establishment that will say, one month — with all confidence — that eggs are undoubtedy very bad for you and will probably kill you if you eat too many of them… And then turn around the next month (apparently, when the Egg Growers Lobby raises a hue and cry and funds a conflicting study) and tells us — with absolutely certainty — that eggs are actually not bad for you, and you’ll probably suffer health defects and slide slowly downhill in a state of painful, irreversible physical decline, if you don’t eat three eggs a week.

These same people are running around doing studies and using advanced equipment for research, and either keeping their findings to themselves — locked away behind the wall of medical terminology — or discouraging “lay” people from finding out about it for themselves. I can’t tell you how many weird looks I get from doctors and clinicians, when I talk about research I’ve read or things I’ve observed in my own life.

And, as was the case yesterday, sometimes I’m contradicted on my findings by doctors who freely admit that they are not experts in TBI — and actually say they know next to nothing about it — but they’re sure I must be wrong about my symptoms. Probably because I’m not a doctor.

But I live in this body. I am living this life. And if anyone should know what’s going on inside my little head, it would be me… provided, of course, I can apply unsparingly rigorous “reality checks” to what I think I’m seeing/hearing/thinking/experiencing.

That’s the pecadillo about impaired self-awareness. The one person who should/could be the expert on their brain, might not be. It’s maddening. But there are ways around this — when you know you’ve got limitations, you can plan for them, work around them, accommodate them, and adjust your standard deviation metrics.

So, I’m just working my way through all this. Trying not to get locked into one “set” way of thinking about how my brain functions, sticking with the facts of the matter:

  • I was struck in the head by a rock around age 8, was knocked out briefly/dazed and groggy afterwards, and I noticed significant changes in my behavior, moods, and cognitive abilities thereafter.
  • I fell down a flight of stairs in 2004, hit the back of my head several times, was intensely dazed/nearly knocked out for a few second, and thereafter found myself missing key information (like not recognizing people I worked with), unable to get a full night’s sleep, having intensified temper flares, and a whole raft of cognitive problems (like suddenly being unable to multitask and switch gears like I used to very fluidly), which I attributed to job stress, but which continued after I left the job (which imploded around me, when I couldn’t keep up with the pace).

I can’t keep second-guessing myself on my TBI(s), and I can’t give in to people who assume that because I do a really good impression of a normal person, it means there’s nothing wrong with me. There’s a whole lot wrong with me. Inside this head. That I can’t articulate very well with other people, when speaking. And I’ll have to work through this, one issue at a time.

If there’s anything I have, it’s time.