Second interview, second thoughts

handshakeI had an in-person interview for a new job on Friday.

All in all, it went well, I think. We seemed to connect well, and it’s the kind of work I want to get back into. I pulled together an updated portfolio of my work in a big hurry on Sunday morning. I had a lot to do, this past weekend — including an all-day event on Saturday and a ton of yard work and other chores on Sunday — so I didn’t have as much time as I would have liked.

But I got it all together within a few hours on Sunday, and I’m fairly happy with the end product. It also lit a fire under me to really pull together a good portfolio of my work. That’s the one thing I’ve been missing, all these years. To be honest, I never actually needed it before, because at the level I was operating at, and based on the companies I’d worked for, everybody just knew I could do the job, hands down.

Now things are different, though. We’ve got all kinds of people making all kinds of claims about what they can and can’t do, and the job market is glutted with posers. So, a portfolio is the first and last line of defense for both job seekers and employers.

Even if the job doesn’t work out — and I suspect it won’t, because I believe they have an open work space floor plan, and that doesn’t work for me. I’m a really “visual thinker” and rely on the part of my brain that processes imagery to do my job. So, if my line of sight is not blocked and I’m constantly being visually interrupted, I can’t do my work.

I learned that lesson loud and clear years ago. And I’m not going back to any environment that’s even remotely “open workspace”.

I’m also not a huge fan of long-ish commutes. My commute right now is pretty good, and the route also includes a number of stores, so I can shop on my way to and from work, without disrupting the rest of my schedule. That matters. It makes a huge logistical difference in my life.

I also can’t work full-time in an office. I need to work from home at least two days a week. I might need a nap, and I need to be at home for that.  Additionally, not having to drive my car every single day makes a big difference in my fatigue levels, as well as the cost of fuel.

Plus, the company wants me to come on as a contractor first, then get hired. I’m not sure I’m okay with that. It leaves a lot to chance, and while they may say they’re stable and supported by their parent corporation, I’ve been around long enough to know how quickly that can change.

Anyway, I haven’t heard back from the recruiter yet. Who knows what will come of it… But if it doesn’t pan out, that will be a relief, too, because I won’t have to make any more changes for a while. I can sit out the holidays and take my time off… and not worry about anything other than a few little projects I have going on.

That, and building out my portfolio.

Who knows what will happen? It’s impossible to say. But whatever happens, it’ll work. I’ll make sure it does.

The interview went well – I think

Staying in the game

So, I had my in-person job interview yesterday, and I think it went well. People were pretty guarded, but that’s to be expected in a high-power position for someone who is high profile, as well. And that’s how things could end up with this job. High profile. They either really, really liked me, or they didn’t think much of me, or they’re on the fence. They’re having another manager meet with me next week, which means they at least want to move forward. It’s really hard for me to tell what the deal is with people, because being in a new space, bombarded by all the new stimuli, causes me to shut down everything except my proactive interviewing self. I’m performing. I don’t have a lot of leftover bandwidth to figure out what they’re thinking. I literally have no idea. But at least I’m going back. One thing I’m going to work on for next time, is not being so “tangential”. When asked a simple question, I ended up going off on a tangent, losing my train of thought, then having to gradually work my way back to what the original topic was. It happened 2-3 times, and it was a huge stressor. But I kept my cool, and I finished up okay, I think. I’m going to have to think about this, I believe. It’s definitely going to be more stressful, but it’s going to be better for my career. I’m hesitant about jumping at the first real opportunity to come my way in a long time, but in my experience, you have to. Opportunities like this don’t come along every day. Worst case is, I’m there for 2-3 years, and I’m not the happiest camper. But it would be a phenomenal career move. Just smart, in so many ways. The commute is longer. But that’s only when I actually go to the office. Most of the folks I’m going to be working with are located around the country, and the manager I interviewed with yesterday is actually based out of a home office, several states away. So, people there actually know how to “do the remote thing”. And they do it without hesitation. Which is what I’m looking for. Ideally, I’ll be able to work from anywhere – which means I can go anywhere, and work from there. It will free me up considerably. It’s what I’ve been needing. The other thing is that I will be a subject matter expert in this new role, using the depth and breadth of my technical experience — over 20 years’ worth — on a daily basis. Right now, I’m nowhere near that. People I work with don’t even know enough to realize that I am a subject matter expert. The company where I am now is very territorial. People have their jobs which may or may not include expertise, and nobody else is allowed to step on their toes. That means, you have people in key roles who may not actually know what they’re doing, but they’re never allowed to be challenged by anyone else, so you have folks clunking along, doing a poor jobb, and never being required to do more. No competition is allowed. There has to be room for everyone, no matter what. It sounds nice on the surface, but it’s a recipe for institutionally protected incompetence. Now that I’ve cracked that code, I feel better. I know it’s not me. I know how things work. And it’s not a big ole mystery anymore. In a way, this understanding frees me up to move on. I seem to stick with situations until I understand them, I’ve learned certain lessons, and I am actually free of pain and suffering about the situation(s). Then again, it also frees me up to stay, because I have no great investment in the company, per se. It’s literally a paycheck that supports the rest of my life, and in a way it’s a relief to get to that point. I’m literally in the best position, ever. I am working with people who have learned to love me (and vice-versa) at a company I don’t have a massive attachment to. I go to work each day and spend time with friends. I can show up each day, do that simple work, and have my time and energy free in many other ways to develop other interests, finish writing projects, and enjoy myself. I also have the leeway to build other technology of my own, and work on my consulting chops, so I can eventually strike out on my own. Not only that, but I have skills and experience that make me a subject matter expert, and I have the means to bring that front and center. I am getting noticed by companies, particularly this big one who is interested in me Anyway, lots to think about. I’m going out of town on vacation to celebrate turning 50, so I may not be back online till next week. And then I’ll need to play catch-up.  So, I’m probably “going dark” for a while. We’ll see how it all goes. I plan to spend a lot of time just resting and relaxing. Unplugged in some ways, more plugged-in, in others. Have a great weekend, everyone.

Help is on the way… I hope

American Heart Association: Neck manipulation may be associated with stroke – see the little tear in the blood vessel wall? That can be caused by prior trauma. So be careful. Fortunately, network chiropractic involves an approach OTHER than structural adjustment.

I’ve got an appointment with a network chiropractor later today. I’ve been to network chiropractors in the past, and they really helped me, but I’m no longer willing to drive a long distance to get to them. Now that my commute is much shorter, I am much more protective of my time.

Plus, this chiro is someone I wanted to work with, years ago, but they were too expensive.

Now, they have special packages for people who need help, so I’m getting help.

What I’m really hoping for is to get a break from the pain and to be able to rest better, so that I can get back to normal and complete some of the big projects I’ve had going for some time, but which haven’t gotten wrapped up, yet. My plan was to have at least one of them done last weekend, but the car accident prevented that.

I need to just get back to normal and proceed… Onward.

I’m pretty hopeful about this. Network chiropractic doesn’t involve a lot of structural adjustments, which can be dangerous for someone with a history of neck and brain injury. Those kinds of injuries can cause clots to form more, because the walls of blood vessels may tear, causing blood clots to form inside the tears. And neck adjustments can loosen the clots which may go to the brain and cause a stroke. Or they can even cause the tears which can lead to clotting… and to stroke.

No thank you. I’ve got enough on my plate, thank you very much.

Network chiropractic is all about re-tuning the autonomic nervous system and getting your system properly talking to itself again. It’s gentle and it’s very powerful, and it helped me a lot in the past. I have high hopes for this new chiro.

And I’m also looking forward to this coming weekend, when I can (fingers crossed) settle in and do the things I intended to do last weekend. I have a lot to do, and it’s great stuff. I just need to be allowed to do it.

Onward!

Why wait till the New Year? Change for the better – now!

Let’s see what will hatch in 2015…

Like so many people, I am looking back at the past year, thinking about what’s gone right, what’s gone awry, and what I want to accomplish in the coming year.

I’ve had a very full year, with plenty of experiences (for good and ill), and I feel lucky to have come out on the other side in one piece. I’ve “course corrected” a number of things — including my poor exercise habits, the crappy job I used to have, I’ve cleaned up my diet a bit, and I’ve done a lot of work on my marriage to make it stronger. I’ve also figured some things out in my head that are really helping me get through.

I still feel pretty dull and slow at times — I can sense a difference between how fast I expect myself to go, and how fast my brain is actually moving. And I’ve come to terms with that and quit letting that make me crazy. I’ve also gotten better about focusing on what I want and getting on with the things I want to do, rather than putting them off till they are “perfect” and I understand 100% where they’re going.

My memory… I’m not sure if that’s getting better or worse, but if it’s getting worse, it’s not really impacting my ability to just live my life.

I’ve gotten a lot better about detecting when I’m not quite 100% and giving myself some more time to figure things out…. or simply abandoning things that aren’t going anywhere fast. I’ve backed away from a number of “friendships”, because the folks I was involved with are catch-as-catch-can, fair-weather friends who keep in touch whenever it suits them, not when I need them to.

The thing I’m liking about my New Year’s resolutions for this coming year, is that I’ve already started a lot of them. I’ve already taken some good steps towards some projects I want to complete in the coming months. I have a good foundation. I’m not waiting till 1/1/2015 to start down the path. I’m already headed down. And I think I found some good reading material to keep me motivated and increasingly educated.

It’s good.

So, here I am in the final days of 2014, very grateful for all that this past year has brought me. A needed job change. A shorter commute. The eradication of my massive debt. A fresh start, in so many ways.

Seems to me, the big undertaking for 2015 is to keep steady on, and make the most of what I’ve got — stay focused, keep reminding myself of what’s important, and move forward. Sure, I’ll slip back, now and then. That’s to be expected. But I am really on much firmer footing now, than I have been in a long, long time.

And the best part is — because I was in such dire straits before, now I really, truly appreciate it, like never before.

So, yes… onward.

 

 

Taking a break, breaking it up

All the colors are brighter, these days

This has been a heck of a fall. And winter is on the way. But now with my new job, I can take a bit of the logistical pressure off, and I can focus on projects that I haven’t been able to make good progress with.

I’ve really chafed under the “stranglehold” my commute had on my life, for what feels like so many years. That, and the frantic-ness that came with handling all the stressors from my attention problems, sensitivities, etc.

It’s amazing what extra sleep and a shorter commute will do for you. Simply amazing.

It’s giving me time to think… and dream… and plan… and take action.

Imagine that. After all those years of really battling to keep my dreams alive, it turns out that the missing piece was really reclaiming the time and energy that got sucked into my commute.

It’s tough to dream and plan and follow through, when you’re exhausted all the time. It can be done, but it’s better with rest.

So, this is good. I’m taking a break from some of the crazy appointments I’ve had to drive to, after work, and I’m taking time to read and write and just chill out — no pressure — make a nice supper … do some yard work … lift weights in the morning before getting into the day … rekindle my interest in different meditative practices that fell by the wayside.

Nice.

In a way, it’s like I’m on a sort of vacation. Being able to get the sleep I need, and not be stressed out about when I get to work… being able to take time to run errands during my lunch hour… and knowing that I can get where I need to go in 15 minutes or less… it’s absolutely priceless. And it frees me up to break up my routine and “paint outside the lines” of my life. I can try new things, read new books, chill… and also spring into action whenever something interesting comes up.

It’s better than a vacation in some ways, though, because it’s structured and it’s social. It gives me the chance to be around people for a set time each day, to orient myself outside my own head, and have meaningful interchanges with others. Left to my own designs, I tend to pull back and keep others at a distance. At work, that’s not possible. I have to talk to people, and they have to talk to me, so it’s good for us all.

Of course, I’m not opposed to a real vacation — and that will be coming during the week between Christmas and New Years, when things quiet down, and my spouse and I stay home instead of driving all over creation to see family, many states away.

This is good. It’s shaping up nicely. The colors are brighter, the day is looking better with each passing week.

And now, off to work I go.

Onward.

Off to the new office

We’ll see what’s inside…

Well, this is pleasant. I woke up early today, and now I have even more time, because I have a shorter commute. The pressure is off, job-wise.

Elsewhere in my life, things are heating up a bit. My last remaining grandparent, who is over 100 years of age, is in failing health, and my parents think they will not last long. This grandparent has been the single-most strongest presence and role model in my life, and I would probably not be here without their example. We haven’t always seen eye-to-eye, and there were many years when we kept each other at a distance, but that’s all behind us now.

Now there is only love and respect. Time heals.

So, I may have a trip ahead of me later this week. I have some critical deadlines looming, so I have to have a backup plan, for sure. I need to organize things and make sure they are in order, so I don’t miss the important dates coming up. I feel good about where I’m at, and how I’m handling things now. I’m getting the hang of the scheduling we do, and it’s falling into place.

I just needed to go through out, have some sketchy experiences to make sure it all sinks in, and keep going.

I’m seeing my neuropsych later today, also. I have prepared for the meeting, collecting notes from my past week, because for the life of me, I cannot seem to remember — when I get to their office — what I wanted to talk about. I’ve put together a list of topics that are all in my head and area all factoring into my life right now, to make up my whole experience. I’m hoping that will help them understand my situation better, because what I end up talking about is just a very small, small piece of the whole picture for me, and how can I get help with what is really challenging me, if I can’t articulate it.

I’m tired of being upset and frustrated over the whole process, and I’m concerned that they think I’m in a different “place” than I really am. It’s not that everything is awful, or that I’m debilitated or disabled. I just have certain things that are really intruding in my life, and I need to figure them out — clearly and plainly, not in a roundabout way.

So, there it is. We’ll see how it goes. I get a little tired of the disconnects between how I’m feeling, how I describe my experience, and what others interpret from it.

And I’m doing something about it.

Onward.

A fresh new day

Get out there and make the most of it!

I’m feeling pretty good, this morning. I have the whole weekend ahead of me, and I feel much more focused than I have in a long time. I think the move to the new location at work is going to really help me. I will be close enough to home, that I can come home over lunchtime and take a quick nap. I think that’s going to make all the difference in the world. That, and not having to deal with long drives down the freeway in bad weather. This past week has been very tough, because the weather has been bad, and the traffic going to and from work has been pretty challenging.

In less than a week, that’s all going away, and I can live my life again. For the first time, really. I’ve never worked this close to home before, and it’s about damn’ time.

Also, in another couple of weeks, I can quit working from 7 a.m. till 8 p.m. (with intermittent breaks in between to do things like, oh, take a shower, drive to work, and grab a quick bite to eat). I’ve been working double-duty, fixing stuff that got broken, during my last couple of projects, making sure that people know what to do — and are doing it. Managing projects where cannot manage their own time and workload is no friggin’ fun, and that’s how it’s turned out to be.

Here, I thought that I could rely on others to do their jobs and finish up in good order. Untrue. They apparently only do what they’re hounded to do, and while I can do the “hound thing” (arf, arf, arf), it’s not my idea of a fun time.

Plus, the farther I get from the old world, where I was so totally stressed out about everything in my life, and the more I relax and come to my senses, the more I realize that I’m really not all that keen on working in technology or working for companies that produce stuff that people want, but do not need. There’s something about working for a company that provides a needed service (rather than luxury/consumer products and services) which really gets me going in the morning.

I used to have a job like that — I used to work in an industry like that. It was an indispensable line of work, and what we did was desperately needed — essential — for people’s lives.

Not so, nowadays. I’m managing projects that are all about stuff that people find cool and interesting, but isn’t critical to everyday life. And it feels like a bit of a waste, to be expending so much time and energy on frantically selling stuff that people could really live without.

At the same time, I’ve got to count my blessings. This job — once I get the hang of it — will be ultra-cushy, to be sure. It’s not rocket science, and since we’re not exactly dashing into danger and saving anyone from a fiery building, there’s less of the intense pressure I was under at my past employers. In my past “professional incarnation”, I worked for companies that actually kept people alive and made it possible for them to live longer, more productive lives. And there was no margin for error. Now, there’s plenty of margin for error.

People kind of wonder why I get so tweaked about things not going perfectly. It’s probably because of my past experience, where everything mattered so intensely. I just got used to working that way.

Nowadays, I can take the pressure off and relax a bit.

Although… that comes with its hazards. Now that I’m not all stressed out, I have the bandwidth to notice how I’m really doing. I’m not running from tyrannosaurus rexes anymore, so I have some time and energy to check in and notice how I’m doing. And in all honesty, it was easier in some ways, when I was stressed.

See, the thing is, all the stress and pressure and discomfort kept me “ON” — engaged, focused, and it kept my mind off the general sense of my life, which was not always that stellar. I didn’t have the time or energy to focus on how I really felt in my own skin, or how my overall system was operating. I had to just focus on putting one foot in front of the other and keeping a fine balance to everything, because I never knew if I was coming or going, there was so much chaos going on inside my head and body all the time, and I couldn’t afford to lose focus… or else.

All that chaos was a bit of a blessing, because it kept my mind off all the confusion, the frustration, the pain, the discomfort… all of it.

Now that things are calming down, I’m noticing the things I didn’t have time to think about before. Like the fact that I’m approaching 50, with a spouse who is basically disabled and is a number of years older than me, and we have no retirement fund. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. We need to make some significant house repairs, and we are just now getting close to being able to pay someone to do the work. I’m working, yes, but I have no disability insurance, and without a safety net, we’re living kind of close to the bone.

We’re getting by, and we do have a pretty sweet life, all in all, and we have a lot to be grateful for, yet there are significant ways we’re at risk, and it’s no fun thinking about “what might happen”.

I’ve been so busy, just keeping it together, that I haven’t dwelled on that very much. I’ve been too busy just keeping myself upright and functional.  I haven’t focused on the pain I’m in, I haven’t had time to deal with headaches, other than getting acupuncture and stretching and not eating a lot of crap. I haven’t had time to focus on the weird sensations in my face, the twitching and jumping. It’s all nerves, most likely, so I just keep going. If it weren’t nerves – if it were something else – I’m not sure I’d have the time and energy and resources to really explore all my options.

Now, though, things feel like they’re closing in on me, because I have time to think about them – and I’m not liking what I’m seeing. Or feeling. It’s depressing.

So, screw all that, I’m going to get myself busy again. On things that I want to be busy on — writing books, getting out in the day to have my walks and explorations, taking care of chores and odd jobs (like getting my cars inspected — I overlooked the fact that they were both due for their stickers, two months ago — just got busy, I guess). And just live my life. Get into my life, see what’s there, and use this fine new day for what it’s worth.

There is so much screwed up in my life right now, so much that feels weird and strange and trying… It’s been that way for a long time, but I’ve been so stressed out, I haven’t had the bandwidth to really address any of it. Now I’ve got the time. Maybe I’ll be able to address some of it. Maybe I’ll just end up keeping busy instead, because trying to hang onto the horns of the bucking bull that is my life, is a losing proposition.

We all have our challenges, we all have sh*t we need to deal with. I’m no exception.

Now I need to learn to handle the good times as well as I’ve learned to handle the bad.

And with that, it’s time for a walk. It’s turning out to be a beautiful day.

 

 

 

Almost there… almost there…

So, things have been going really well at work. My new job is shaping up. It’s been rough, in spots, but mostly because my head gets all turned around, and I feel incredibly deficient, some days.

Of course I do. I’ve been exhausted at the end of each day, and that’s a good thing. It means I’m earning a living, and I’m putting everything I have into what I’m doing.

I’ve had a bunch of times where I could not figure out how to put two words together coherently. And I’ve felt like everyone in the room was sitting there staring at me, wondering… WTF dude? But I pulled it together and just kept going.

And just the other day, I noticed that someone else who has been training me also got incredibly tongue-tied, and they could not put two coherent words together, either.

So, it isn’t just me.

We’re all under a lot of pressure. There are four BIG deadlines looming — each 2 weeks after the prior one. It will all be over and done with by mid-October, and then the office is moving to another location that is just down the road from where I live.

That means that if I get exhausted and need to rest, I can go home for lunch and get a quick nap, and no one will be the wiser. It also means I can invite friends from work home for lunch, and we can hang out if we like. Heck, we can work at my place, if we can’t find any conference rooms available.

That would be a hoot. Or maybe not. It all depends on the context, I suppose.

Long story short, in a few months, the hell that has been my life will be behind me, and I’ll have a life that I can really be happy with. I mean, seriously. It’s so awesome, and I have been hankerin’ for this kind of a change for so very long. I really like the group I’m working with, my boss said they “love” me and my work today — in a totally professional way, of course. And I’m not far from home. Plus, in the season when the weather turns bad, I’ll be 12 minutes from my house, which is never a bad thing.

I’ve dreamed of this chance for so many years, and I’ve taken a shot at it many, many times. Now it’s happening, and it’s for real, and it is very, very good.

Of course, there’s political crap that goes on. What else is new? But the bottom line is, I have the time and the strength to deal with it all, I’m figuring out how to keep myself safe and healthy, and I actually have time for hobbies.

Imagine that.

And now, for the crowning glory of my day, I’m going to eat my big old burrito for dinner, follow it with some ice cream, and call it an early night.

 

Getting into my routine

Feels really good. I managed to get to bed at a decent hour, last night, which was fantastic. I also took care of some chores around the house that needed to be done, which also felt good.

I’m settling into a daily routine I can live with, and it feels pretty awesome. Like I’m hitting my stride. It takes a while for me to get to this point, but I can be disciplined when I put my mind to it, so…

I’m figuring out the best way to exercise in the morning. I have to do at least something every day. Ride the exercise bike. Lift weights. Stretch. Do something. I work with people who are a whole lot healthier than the folks I worked with before, and it’s inspiring for me to see them being healthy and happy.

I’m also getting the logistics down. Learning my way around. I’m figuring out the best routes to drive to work… knowing when to get off the freeway and when to just hang in there, because traffic will ease up in another mile or so… finding my way around the building… getting to know the ins and outs of everything.

So, it’s starting to really come together, and I’m incredibly grateful for this.

Speaking of routine, it’s time to get ready for work.

From wonderful to weird, and back again…?

Fatigue - What a pain in the ass

It’s been a very strange 48 hours. Must be the holidays — it all just kind of sneaked up on me, I guess. Anyway, I realize “loud and clear” that one thing I need to watch out for is fatigue.

Everything gets better with rest.

Everything gets worse with fatigue.

And I’m not in the mood to spend the holidays in crisis. The past 36 hours have been bad enough.

I’m not sure why it’s hit me so hard, but last night I was having a really hard time, and I just melted down over some stupid crap that was pretty embarrassing, actually. I was over-tired, I was stressed, and I seriously lost it. And for what? Now I’m feeling raw and wrecked, and Thanksgiving dinner is not something I’m looking forward to.

I dread it, actually. All I really want to do is sleep.

Fortunately, I have three days to do that, after today. I have tomorrow off, and then I have the weekend. This *&$^%#^% commute is friggin’ wrecking me, and there’s not much I can do about it, other than try to get to bed at a reasonable hour, which hasn’t been happening as frequently as I need it to. I’m just not managing it, partly because I don’t want to. But I guess I have to, anyway.

I guess I’m really angry about a lot of things that are going on. I’m angry with my employer for pulling a fast one on us, and then treating us like we’re idiots for noticing what they did. I’m angry with myself for giving them the benefit of the doubt. I’m angry with my spouse for never being around on the weekends, but constantly needing to work. I’m angry with the constant stream of promotions and advertisements that are specially designed to put us all in a “buying mood,” and I’m angry with the world for being so ignorant and self-centered and refusing to see that the things they do to others, they equally do to themselves. And that’s no good for anyone.

Meanwhile, my spouse hates and fears me, for being so upset yesterday. I wasn’t aggressive, but based on their past experiences with violent parents and violent partners in the past, they take so many things of the things I say and do out of context — and very much to heart — and there’s nothing I can do to reverse that. All I can do is be kind and patient and indulgent of everything they do and say around me, or they say I’m attacking them. If I try to discuss anything with them to try to just think things through before they do them, they get defensive and tell me I’m finding fault with them and being impossible. It’s like they can’t wait to get away from me. Last night, after we spent a few hours together, they took off and were late coming home. Great. And then I’m a wreck when they get here.And then they think I’m attacking them.

Like I said. Embarrassing. But I’ll be damned if I can do anything about it., when it gets hold of me.

Because I am tired. I am wiped out. I’m not thinking clearly, and my emotions are way off the charts. I just feel so profoundly screwed. The holidays are off to a terrible start, and I’m already behind, scrambling to play catch-up.

Anyway, I had intended to write something hopeful and up-beat about being able to rebound from my weirdness last night. I wish it were that easy. I probably need to just get out more. Do more. Not be tied down as much to my daily routine. I’m feeling incredibly trapped by my job situation – trapped into a commute I detest, trapped in a building that’s part of a “campus” (read, two ugly buildings sandwiched between lots of other ugly buildings and their parking lots), trapped in a workspace that is visually and logistically cramped and has no visual paths to an exit. Trapped and cornered in a space that is not only really loud and really bright, but smells bad and is visually boring. The one bright light is that I got to move my desk so that I’m not in the middle of the room anymore. But it’s a pathetic statement when the best thing that happens to you is you get to move your workspace from an awful place to a less terrible spot.

And that pisses me off.

Which keeps me in a perpetual state of agitation… and it throws off my chemistry, so that I’m not in command my full faculties. The stress is flooding my brain with all sorts of chemical signals to shut down “non-essential” parts of myself, so I can survive by escaping. But I don’t feel like there is any escape, so I’m trapped, and the stress just keeps flooding in, till I feel like I’m going to die, and the best I can hope for is for THE END to be as painless as possible.

The sympathetic nervous system overdrive is just frying me like crazy, and I know it’s no good. It was no good last night, and it’s no good today. I feel like crap, and I don’t know how I’m going to get back to my baseline again. I will, I’m sure — once I get some rest and can just chill for a few days. But right now, things feel pretty screwed up, and I don’t feel very thankful at all.

Probably the most depressing thing about all this is, I know better. But I don’t do better. I know what mechanisms are in place to keep me off-balance, but I can’t manage to do anything about them in a consistent way. And that leaves me feeling even more broken and useless than ever. ‘Cause I’m supposed to be brilliant, right?

Well, sure — but I’m also human. And I need to quit expecting myself to have it all figured out, and expecting myself to be immune to this stuff.

See, this is the thing — I’m not immune. I’m anything, but. In fact, I’m even more susceptible than many, thanks to the role fatigue plays in my life — and I’m also more prone to forgetting it. This fatigue business totally mucks things up, gets my blood boiling, and generally derails me in fine fashion. Which generally sucks for everyone.

So, what to do? I know I need to do a better job of getting rest, as well as getting exercise. I haven’t done as much as I could, with regard to exercise. Part of it is the change in my daily schedule, another part is that I just got tired of doing that every single morning, even though it was good for me. It’s a little like me going off meds that I need to take on a regular basis — I start feeling better, and then I decide I don’t need to do it, anymore. Which is the farthest thing from the truth, of course.

But I do need to do something. I need to shake things up a bit, get out of my old rut, and get myself back on track. I need to drag myself out of this terribly boring state of mind, as well as get myself into a regular sleeping schedule that actually works. I also need to find more things to do with myself, than work. I’m still looking for another job, but now the holidays are upon us, and I don’t feel like dragging myself through all the interviewing drama during the holidays. I need to pace myself, but also find things that appeal to me. Like a hobby of some kind. Or a walk in the woods. I need to find something that both gives me exercise and gets me out and helps me sleep AND gives me a better perspective on life, than just sitting in a car, and then sitting in a cubicle all day… only to sit in my car, and then sit in front of the television all night.

Come to think of it, that’s a lot of sitting. And it’s probably one of the things that’s derailing me. All that inactivity… it’s just killer.

So, it’s time to make some changes. Get up and out and take walks early in the day, before I drag my ass to the office. I can shift my hours to get to work later, so this could work.

I just need to do it. But for the sake of my sanity, as well as everyone around me, I’ve gotta do it.

Speaking of which, now would be an excellent time to do this. So, I shall.