Good to be home – and figuring out next steps

That feeling of being all alone in the crowd… is shared by many

It’s been a good week.

A challenging week.

But still a good week.

Sometimes you just need to step away to get some clarity on your priorities in life, what you want to do with yourself, how you want to do it… and perhaps most importantly, how badly you want to do it. There are some things that I’ve been meaning to spend more time on — projects that actually do look like they have good potential to widen my employment prospects, as well as bring in some money on the side.  And it’s given me more motivation to really work on them.

It’s also important to figure out what you don’t want to do, and this trip made that abundantly clear. It was a pain in the neck, dealing with all the prejudice and pressure — the prejudice that came out when people started drinking and stopped being on their best behavior, the stifling biases against women and gay people, the “jokes” about so-and-so having romantic relations with someone of their own sex, when they’re not even gay – har-har-har (not funny for gay or straight people)… as well as the constant pressure from my boss to stay up late with everyone and party, even though they know I don’t drink… and them joking about getting me drunk (I wouldn’t put it past them), which is not only stupid, it’s dangerous.

I don’t know which would be worse for me – to lose too much sleep, or to get drunk. In both cases, I can fall, which could be catastrophic. In both cases, I can get in trouble with other people, including the police. And it’s not the sort of trouble that I can just get out of easily.

When I get in trouble — I get in trouble. As in, get combative towards law enforcement and other authority figures. And at the conference, I was not shielded by local folks knowing who I am.

I was also not shielded from sensory overload — all the crowds, the noise, the lights, the big open expo hall where I was working, and the constant movement and hustle. I felt like a zombie, much of the time, and it was miserable at moments, but then I got to step away to the restroom, or to get something to eat, or walk to a quieter part of the expo hall. There was music pumping, lights flashing, constant streams of people walking by who I had to engage and hopefully bring into our booth, and it was cold in that hall. I felt like I was going to lose it, a couple of times, but I regrouped and chilled myself out by focusing on something specific – like checking my email on my smartphone.

The area that the conference was in, was crazy, too — all the lights and motion and crowds and music everywhere. It’s perfect for sensation-seeking people, but for me it was just too much. At the concert they had on the last night, I thought I was going to flip out and hit someone. I was pressed up against the very front of the cordoned-off area, with people pushing in close behind me, whistling and clapping right beside my ears, and all of them wearing some sort of perfume. I’m not terribly sensitive to scents, but when I’m tired and overwhelmed, I get that way — and yeah, I got that way. I had to leave early, when I realized that I was on the verge of punching someone — anyone. That wouldn’t have been good. Plus, there were security guards about 10 feet away from me.

So, I skipped out and got in bed by 9:30 that night. Pretty good, I have to say. Considering that I had to fly out, first thing in the morning, it was ideal.

The main thing is, I managed to make it through the week without A) drinking, B) losing too much sleep, or C) getting in trouble. I held my tongue and didn’t respond, when intoxicated people were running their mouths about stupid things. They probably don’t remember saying it, anyway. I also didn’t let it get to me personally too much. All the “frat boy” shenanigans, which I have never related to, anyway, didn’t throw me. Mercifully, “frat boy” types have usually ignored me, instead of singling me out and beating me up. So, I just kept clear of the grown-up versions of “nuggie”-giving football players, and stuck with a few other like-minded folks.

Most important of all, I made it home in one piece.

And that’s a huge accomplishment for me. Not only did I navigate all the alcohol-soaked dinners and social events without so much as a sip of booze, but I also got in bed by 9:00 p.m. on two nights… at 10:00 on one night… and not long after 11:00 on another night. All in all, I think I lost maybe four or five hours of sleep over the whole five days, which is pretty amazing, considering that my boss was telling me I had to stay out with the team till 3 a.m., and then stumble back to get a few hours rest before morning.

Yeah, it was amazing that I got out of all that B.S. in one piece.

I just wish it didn’t have to be so amazing.

Overall, though, I’m feeling pretty good about my progress and everything I accomplished. Unlike other similar conferences in the past, this time I did not freak out, I did not lose it back in my hotel room, I did not space out or check out. In other years, at these big user conferences, I was fried by the end of the first day, and I was isolated and alienated for the rest of the trips. But this time, I was all there, I was just “riding” the situation, and I got some good things out of it, as well.

My big discovery at this event is that I am actually really, really good at engaging with strangers and getting them to open up to me. I have a ton of experience and a lot of “war stories”, and when I share them with others, they open up about their own experiences.

It’s funny, because I never really thought of myself as that kind of person – outgoing and engaging – because I am such an introvert. But even introverts can be engaging and outgoing, when we are in the right situations. And in fact, I was interacting with a lot of introverts, myself — one of whom was pretty drunk at 11:30 in the morning on the last day of the conference… probably completely overwhelmed like I was, and using the mini-bar in their room to ease the pain.

Yeah, it was overwhelming. But I made it through.

I realized some new (and important) things about myself and the kind of work I want to do. I also realized the kinds of things I can do, that I never thought I was good at, before.

So, that’s helpful. Despite the challenges, I still got a lot out of the experience.

So, that’s something.

Boy, oh boy, is it good to be home!

Actually, that was probably a migraine

I was really in bad shape yesterday – not able to handle hearing people talk, feeling a little drunk, dazed and dull, and generally not in good shape.

We picked up the new (to us) car and drove it home, then realized that there was a CD stuck in the CD player – perhaps warped from being left in a hot place.

So, I need to contact the dealer to get that checked out.

Anyway, on a hunch last evening, I took some migraine medicine, and voila — no more problems hearing and listening and dealing with everyone and everything around me.

Now I know for next time. Here’s hoping I have the presence of mind to get that.

after 6 brain concussions should i do pot or any drugs?

TBI can affect how you react to pot and drugs in some strange ways. You may not turn into a toad, but you might end up feeling like one.

Someone found their way to this blog by this search question today.

“after 6 brain concussions should i do pot or any drugs?”

Short answer — Probably not. The thing is, concussions/brain injuries can change how your body responds to drugs of all kinds. My neuropsych has repeatedly cautioned against me just taking whatever my doctor prescribes, because it can affect my cognition — often in unexpected ways. Certain antibiotics can actually trigger seizures, which I never heard of till they told me. Also, some meds can dull your thinking, which can make you more irritable and agitated, which isn’t good for anyone, including all the people you deal with each day.

As for pot and other controlled substances, if you have to, you have to, and there’s not much anyone can do for you, unless you seek out some help. But if you don’t have to and you can do without, it may be a good idea to lay off them. Brain injury can make the body even more susceptible to drugs — you may find that you react more to them, that you get a bigger high off less… or that you have less of a high off a larger amount. It’s tricky. You have to be careful.

Of course, once you’re off to the races, caution has a way of flying out the window, but it may be good to keep in mind up front.

One of the big problems many people face is that they have friends and family and drinking buddies who are way into drugs, alcohol, and weed. So, they keep going along with them, and they get in trouble, because they’re much more susceptible, while everyone around them is partying at the usual rate.

Jail time, anyone? I have a theory (unconfirmed as usual) that our prisons are chock full of TBI survivors who did drugs and alcohol, were affected intensely by them, and went out and did stuff that got them arrested.

6 brain concussions and pot and drugs… Warning Will Robinson! Danger! Danger!