In that blah space

Okay, so things have been up and down at work — some days are better than others, and I’ve gone through some pretty challenging times, lately. Now I’m tired, and I just want to lie down. But I’ve got so much to do. My day is not even over — I have more work to do through the evening.

Guess I just gotta do what I gotta do. That’s just how it is.

I suppose I should really be quite happy, because a lot of the bogus drama has evaporated from my life. By “bogus drama” I mean drama that happens when I’m not being honest with myself about things and I end up creating a lot of confusion and discomfort because I invent explanations in my head for why things turn out the way they do. Like when I get paranoid and start to think that there is a conspiracy against me, rather than admitting that I have come up short in my responsibilities and people are justifiably upset about my slacking.

It’s things like that — as well as me getting all up on my head about my moods, thinking that I’m depressed or somehow deficient, when I’m actually just tired and need a good night’s sleep.

Those ups and downs have become a lot less frequent over the past year or so – thanks to my regular exercise routine and my new practice of just sitting and breathing first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I’ve mellowed considerably, and I’m not as easily freaked out.

Which means the bogus drama factor has dropped significantly.

And now I’m in a blah space. Because there’s not all this brouhaha about the drama to keep my system ON. I’m so accustomed to things being screwed up and having to work overtime to get them back in line, that when things are going right — and have been for a while — I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I know I don’t want to re-create the drama I had in the past, but I also sometimes don’t quite know what to do with myself when things are chilled out.

I guess I’ll have to learn.

Because I don’t want to be like a friend of mine, who has to always have some sort of drama going on, just to feel alive. I swear, they seem like a magnet for all sorts of crap. If they’re not fighting someone else off, they’re going after someone. If they’re not struggling against their own problems, they’re “reaching out” to get sucked into someone else’s troubles. They just can’t leave well enough alone, and it’s maddening, seeing them sabotaging their happiness, when they say all they want is to be happy.

Pretty wild.

But I get where they’re coming from. Because being in this blah space can be pretty boring. A little depressing, too. I was reading today about how people can be clinically depressed and not even know it, and I wondered if that was the case with me. I don’t think it is. I just have this neurological state that causes my processing speed to be slower, and that makes me feel a little down, now and then. But it’s not like I’m full-on depressed. Not right now, anyway. I do feel that way, every now and then, but it doesn’t last. And I move on.

So, it’s really just texture in my life. More texture. Like this blah space, where I’m just feeling okay, not great, not awful, just okay. The blah-ness has as much to do with me not getting enough sleep over the past week, as anything else. And it also has to do with me having a ton of stuff to do all the time… and it never seems to let up.

But really, that’s a good thing. More texture.

I just need to get more sleep.

And be intensely grateful that the worst thing I have to complain about is that there’s no drama going on right now.