Vacation is coming… vacation is coming…



I’ve been working fast and furious, trying to get my act together so I can go away on vacation. I don’t want my job to slip, and I’ve got a big deadline coming up.  It matters to me. On the other hand, I actually don’t care if it comes of 100% without a hitch… because one of the things I’m trying to retrain people to think about, is making incremental improvements to things, rather than having everything work 100% out of the box.

Good enough — then fixing later — is the new way to do things. Plus, now we can do it that way, because the technology we have is better.

Anyway, the thing about my job is that there is so much that I want / need to do, but there are only so many hours in the day. People who have been there a while say that’s how everyone feels. It’s a great problem to have – back in the day, I would watch the clock, waiting for 5:00 (or whenever I got my 8 billable hours and could leave). Now I’m racing the clock, half the time.

Still stressful, but in a good way.

So, this vacation is going to be half working. I’m going to spend some time in the mornings of Tues, Wed, Thurs getting ready for the deadline in two weeks. I’ll still have a lot of time to myself — but not so much. I get antsy (and difficult to live with), if I don’t have a certain amount of structured activity and pressure. I expect it to be a nice balance between work and play, which is what I really want, anyway.

I might even get to watch the Miss America pageant on Sunday night. Miss Oregon is a TBI survivor. She got injured in cheerleading. And that’s her platform. So, maybe I’ll get to see that.

Anyway, speaking of stress, I’ve been working out more, lately. I’m a bit sore, but not in a bad way. I’ve noticed that when I work out with intense intervals, I feel fantastic all day. Something about stressing my system triggers a energy-producing, healing response. And the inflammation goes down. My shoes fit my feet again.

I need to build that into my day more regularly. Take just a few minutes to run down to the gym during the day and work out. Get in some intense intervals — riding the bike or doing other exercises — and finish out the day on an up note. I did that the other day, and while I was pretty tired by the end of it my waking hours, I felt great at the same time.

Speaking of intermittent intensity, it’s time for me to get going to work.

I’m really looking forward to that vacation…


Wiped out and feeling great

Got home from work at a decent hour tonight – and that was after working out for half an hour and then going for a swim… in the company pool.

Yes, that’s right. They have a pool. Olympic sized with 5 or 6 lanes, and just the right temperature. And clean. Very, very clean.

I cannot tell you how good it felt to get in the water again.


Now I’m completely done. Happy – done. Very happy – done.


Sometimes you have to do the exact opposite of what your body and mind want to do

This came to me this morning, while I was exercising. Some mornings, I hate to exercise. Some mornings, I just don’t do it.

The thing is, our organic systems are extremely good at streamlining and taking effective shortcuts. So, over time they can get acclimated to taking the easy way out. Because that’s what they are best at.

But our brains and bodies and minds won’t grow that way. Growth comes through challenge and difficulty.

So, my new approach is to figure out what my body and brain and mind all are telling me I don’t “need” to do… and do the opposite.

So long as it’s healthy, that is.

Blood pressure and heart rate – what’s the connection?

I checked my blood pressure along with my heart rate while I was exercising today. You can see a summary of my findings here:

Basically, my BP went pretty low, while my heart rate is up. That has interesting implications for the whole headache thing, because if migraines are triggered by high BP or vascular issues, then if my BP actually goes down while exercising… WTF? Why the headaches?

It may be moot, because I can actually control my heart rate with controlled breathing, but it’s still a conundrum.

In related news, I tried Ruckpack the other day, and on an off chance, I checked my blood pressure within an hour after I drank it, and my BP was108/46 with a pulse of 64. That is very low for me — especially the 46. So, I did some controlled breathing and got myself back to 113/56  with a pulse of 59. I wonder if Ruckpack has that effect on me — I’ll need to do another test.

Anyway, I’m running late for work, and I have a lot going on in my head. Lots to think about. Lots to do. I had a restful weekend, overall, and I’m looking forward to this week, with only two standing appointments I need to keep.  Sweet.

I’ll need to do some more experimentation on Ruckpack.  Buy some more and see where it takes me. It could be I can’t tolerate it, and if so, it might be good to let those folks know about the effect it has on me. Because it might have the same on others.

Then again, I am an odd creature at times, so I’m not one to judge the rest of the world by.

Still, it’s worth looking into.

Still dizzy… hanging in there… doing the right things


They’re painting the walls at work. Horrible. And the lifts they use to paint the high parts of the walls and ceilings have Klaxon-alarm type alert beeps that send me through the roof.

Frankly, I don’t think any of this is helping my dizziness.

But I’m sticking with my routine and getting things done. Have gotten a few things taken care of today. Then I’ll run another errand and fall into bed.

I’m wiped out.

What a week.

Doing the right things feels good — exercise, regular meals — but I’m fried after this past week.

One more errand… just one more. Then I’m done for the day.

What a difference a nap makes

It’s like night and day.

So, I lay down and slept for an hour.

At 2:15, I was up and ready to roll, like I hadn’t been in days. Got some chores done that I hadn’t been able to get to. Finally was able to do them — and enjoyed doing the work, as well.

It’s pretty amazing, really, what an effect fatigue has on me and my brain. Fortunately, I can do something about it. Sleep.When I can, that is. During the week, I don’t have as much opportunity to do that. Maybe I should start. I could try taking a long lunch break and going home to rest. Then getting up and heading back into it. I may have to start doing that, as things are pretty intense at work, and man-oh-man am I beat, by the end of each day.

Another thing that’s going on, that’s taking more energy, is I’m working out more in the mornings. That’s tiring me out. Giving me more energy, but requiring more recovery time. Gotta work all that out. One way or another. When I’m rested, I feel fantastic. Just gotta get to that place.

But for now, I’ve got some more errands


“Just breathe” is sometimes easier said than done

Okay, now that I have opened up the Pandora’s box on this chronic pain and have started paying attention to my muscles when they move, I’m realizing that one of the reasons I don’t always breathe evenly, is because it hurts to breathe.

How unfortunate.

The simple act of filling my lungs causes my shoulders to lift, which hurts.

It ties into my neck, which also starts to hurt.

And my ribs expand, which also is painful.

Good grief.

Oh, well. I’ve been pretty active, physically, which has something to do with it. I’ve really been pushing myself, lately, lifting heavy weights and doing movements I haven’t done in a long time. I feel much better when I lift heavy weights. I find it very soothing.

At the same time, thought, I tend to be physically active a lot – especially in the winter, when I try to get out and get active as much as possible. I actually do better in the winter, since I can warm up — while in summer I can’t always cool down.

So, I’ve been pushing my body, exercising muscles a lot, and all the extra lactic acid along with the micro-tears in my muscle tissue… well, it’s adding up to a whole lot of pain. Especially when I breathe.

So, I need to really work on that. It’s hard to relax, when I’m not breathing regularly, but my body instinctively tenses up and avoids the pain that comes with deep breathing.

You see my quandary.

Oh, screw it. I’m going to eat some dinner, have some more Advil, take a long hot shower, and crash. I’m pretty wiped out, so I should be able to sleep reasonably well. And when I sleep, I’ll be breathing regularly, so my body will be able to settle back into a rhythm.

Here’s hoping.

What do I do with all this pain…?

There’s lesson in there somewhere

I started a new exercise discipline yesterday. Basically, it’s about re-training myself to move. I have a lot of pain and mobility issues, which I usually push right through. But lately, it’s been worse. Life goes on and doesn’t wait for me to get out of pain before it sends things my way. I have had a lot of work to do around the house and yard, lately, as well as helping my elderly neighbors with some upkeep their homes. Lifting and pulling and hauling… it’s been a lot, and it’s not going away soon.

So, yesterday while I was surfing around the web in the morning (before going out to do hard physical work for 3 hours) I came across an approach that addresses the underlying problems with physical pain — basically, the body not moving properly. We can get used to compensating for injuries and change the way we move, and in the process, our muscles get used to doing things they’re not really built to do. And we can get torqued and turned around and stressed in ways that really shouldn’t be.

I’ve had a lot of injuries over the course of my life — head injuries just part of them. I never broke any major bones when I was a kid, but I fell a lot and turned and twisted ankles and joints, jammed fingers and toes, and generally got all twisted up and wrung out. I was very active — and I had crappy balance — so if you put 2 and 2 together, you get a lot of slips and falls and injuries.

I was also on high alert a lot as a kid. I couldn’t hear properly, couldn’t make out what people were saying to me, and I had to really listen hard, to keep up. Nobody realized this, so I had to just deal with it myself. I also had a lot of attention problems, light and noise sensitivity and sensitivity to touch, so I felt like I was always being beaten. Someone would just touch my arm, and it would feel like they were hitting me. It was nobody’s fault, that’s just how it was. My parents were kind of rough with me at times, but even if they’d been the most caring and patient and sensitive people in the world, it still would have felt like they were beating me.

So, there’s that. I still have issues with being sensitive to touch.  I try not to think about it, because it really gets to me — and it’s worse when I’m tired, which is when I tend to get more emotional… so I really try to not think about it.

The net result of all of this, is that I’ve developed ways of moving that really compensate for those things. I’ve been on the defensive for a long, long time — avoiding making contact with people, avoiding people who are demonstrative (especially women), and just keeping to myself, because it’s so much less painful to be away from people. It’s heaven, actually. But outside my solitary heaven, there’s a world I need to move through, and I’d like to do something about all this physical pain I’m in.

So, I started doing these exercises, which are slow and controlled and involve a lot of resting and releasing tension. It feels great, when it kicks in. The thing is, it reminds me of how much pain I’m in, and it shows me how far I have to go, to really get moving properly again. My movements can be very jerky and clumsy, when I’m moving slowly — this new program says that will change as my brain is retrained to move. For starters, though, it’s a little disheartening.

But at least I have a place to start.

It’s also oddly emotional. I’ve been getting really upset over little nothings, this morning. Fortunately, I am by myself, so no one needs to be hassled by my mood swings. I’m just letting the emotions come up and then move on.

It all passes. That’s the one thing I’ve learned through all this — emotional volatility can be so extreme — and so quick. It doesn’t make sense to stay stuck in the emotional stuff and make more of it than need be. I just have to breathe and stay calm and let things just be… then reset my attention to something positive, and move on.

Physical pain is an interesting phenomenon. It can be so emotional (I’m not a fan of that), and it can be so pervasive and inescapable. I’ve been living with inescapable pain for nearly 50 years, and it’s no friggin’ fun. It’s taught me an awful lot, and it’s also altered my life in significant ways. I know what things will improve it, and I know what makes it worse.

So, I’m doing what makes it better. And I’ve got this new exercise routine that looks promising. I just need to do it — regularly and consistently. That is the best way to make progress.

Up and at ’em

I’m not depressed anymore.

I was depressed for a number of weeks. Just feeling down.

But now …

Something has lifted off me. For the past several days, I’ve been very active – making out my lists of things I wanted to get handled, and handling them… all in good order.

I’ve taken care of some things around the house I’ve been wanting to do for years. Simple things, really, that I just couldn’t get started before. Covering up the air conditioners for winter. Cleaning out leftover pots and containers that were sitting in a corner of the back porch for some reason. Organizing things around the house

And exercising, first thing in the morning.

I guess I was pretty depressed for a while, feeling poorly and also feeling sorry for myself.

No more. Something has shifted with me — probably the prospect of a week and a half off work for the upcoming holidays. It’s got me moving again.

And it feels pretty good.

Well, anyway, off I go. The day is waiting.


New season, new ways

Handle stress better with these exercises – click the picture to learn more

So, I’ve started to begin my days with a new routine — getting up and doing some meridian exercises, to get my internal energy flowing better. I’ve also been lifting weights. I haven’t been doing so much riding of the exercise bike, because I get headaches when I really push it, and then I feel bad the rest of the day.

At the same time, I still need to get my energy going in the morning, and this new routine seems to be doing the trick.

I found a book of meridian exercises for self-healing, and I’ve been doing all-over-body patting, as well as stretching exercises to get my “chi” moving. Then I lift weights for a little bit… have my breakfast of a banana, toast, butter-coffee… and I’m ready to start the day.

With everything going on, what’s become very clear to me, is that I need to improve my energy, my stamina, my ability to hold up under stress and strain. It’s no good, if I buckle under the pressures that are around me. Life is going to do what it will, so I need to strengthen myself to face up to it.

We all have within us massive stores of energy, and we can also draw energy from the world around us – if we simply let it flow. We get blocked up and stop the energy from coming in and going out and moving freely through our systems. And then things start to fall down. They start to come apart. That’s where I was last week, when I had my crisis with my spouse. What became so very clear to me, was that I was missing the opportunity to access all the energy that’s around me. And I needed to find a way to get to it, to use it, and to make the most of every situation, no matter how hard it might appear.

It’s no good for me to be falling apart — and it’s no good for me to be wrecking my rare vacations by melting down. I can’t let it all get to me the way I did last week, and I’m determined to keep my act together better than ever.

I also realize how much pressure I put on myself to achieve. It’s like I still have the old Type-A personality, but my abilities are different now, than before. I still use stress and pressure to wake myself up, but I don’t have a balanced enough approach to it, and I get tired… and end up using more stress and pressure (and sugar and caffeine and junk food) to keep myself moving.

And I need to factor that in. Over the past few days, I’ve been longing for the “good old days” when I could still do programming and learn new languages easily. That’s not the case anymore. None of it makes sense to me the way it used to, and it’s depressing as sh*t. So, I need to get that out of my head and focus on things that matter to me now. And that I can do now. And that give me good quality energy, not the adrenaline-rush of stress and pressure, which ultimately bogs me down.

The days are getting shorter, and fall is definitely on the way. I do feel more energy these days than I have in a long time, and I credit the exercises for that. I’m also taking the pressure of myself for the projects I’ve got going — somehow, they ballooned into massive undertakings that “had the potential to be huge”. For some reason, I’m always thinking BIG, which is fine — except when it involves every single aspect of my life, making my existence into a total slog through mud.

I invent the pressure for myself — I think to keep myself actively engaged in my life. But it tends to get blown way out of proportion, in many, many aspects. And my quality of life goes to hell. And for what?

Well, anyway, I’ve gotten a head-start on the day, checking in with work early, so I can get some questions answered by colleagues over in  Europe. It’s been about four months, since I had regular dealings with colleagues in Europe — in my last job, it was most of what I did, but in this new job, there hasn’t been much of that. Now I’m getting more integrated with the European crowd — and also folks in Asia. So, that old routine is coming back — but this time with more sanity, and more of a collegial sense. In my last job, there was a lot of antagonism between the US and everyone else, and it wasn’t helpful. In this job, there’s a very collegial feel, although there is some naturally occurring cross-cultural tension. Different ways of doing things… But I’m very comfortable with the European ways of working and structuring things, so that’s a big help.

Who knows? I may even get to do some international travel. This time it will be very different, though, because I have past experience under very trying circumstances. So, the second time around promises to be better. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.

Anyway, as the seasons change, I am more focused on really strengthening myself from within, to handle whatever comes my way. I now feel at peace with my surroundings, for the most part, and that’s because I’m putting the focus on taking care of myself, strengthening my system, keeping stable and firm under challenging circumstances. Everything I do in my life, I consider a training for something else to come later, so really bringing focus to it and doing my best, no matter what, is my #1 Priority.

That being said, it’s time to get ready for work and head into my next stage of the day. I’ve had a productive morning, already, and this job is turning out to be pretty darned cool. Instead of being pressed to produce-produce-produce, racing the clock on limited resources and never enough time… I’m getting paid to manage projects at a higher level and motivate my team members. And so far, it’s working out well.

Even when things are very tough, it’s still good. It’s very good, indeed.