3. Not having to go to work
4. Spending a whole week with the love of my life
5. Having enough money to buy dinner, instead of cooking myself
6. Having the time to go exploring
7. Being in a place where I can explore something different, each day
8. Moving at my own pace
9. Not worrying about not exploring *everything*
10. The time and freedom to take afternoon naps – every single day.
I’m taking the opportunity tonight to put my situation in order. I haven’t been feeling well for the past couple of weeks, but people are counting on me… so I am taking some extra time to get my ducks in a row before I travel again next week. I’m doing laundry, sewing a rip along the pocket of my good overcoat, and collecting all my gadgets for the road. I didn’t take my tablet with me, last time I went, and I regretted it during all flights, both to and from.
I really don’t want to go on this next trip. I want to stay home and rest, not hob-nob and network. I want to go for long walks in the woods and contemplate abstract concepts, not wrangle with taxi drivers who don’t speak any English. I want to lie around the house in my sweats, read books, and cook good food to eat, not live out of a suitcase and have to steam the wrinkles out of my suits by hanging them on the door while I shower.
There are a million different things I would rather be doing, including feeling strong and rested and good about myself, instead of tired and weak and harried and frustrated over the concealed slowness that always threatens to derail my progress and expose me. Expose me.
I’m feeling pretty exposed, these days. My head hurts. A lot. And I haven’t been moving and exercising the way I should. I just don’t feel like it. I don’t want to slow down and mindfully “move into my day”. I just want to get up, eat a little something, and dash off to work. I want to get moving, I want to jump into the flow, not pause and concentrate on my motions, my form. I want to just go. Just do. Just roll on into what comes next.
Which is a positive sign, I suppose. It’s not just me wanting to escape what’s in my mind — although that is part of it. It’s also me realizing that there’s a whole world out there, and I want to be part of it.
If only I weren’t so tired.
But I do tend to be tired, so here’s my conundrum — hold back because I’m beat, and take care of myself so I feel better… or just keep on keepin’ on, and make the best of things as they come.
Better yet, I could decide not to choose. I could do both. I could look for balance.
Yes, balance. I’ve heard of that.
Let’s try balance.
Balance, plus a little bit more. Seeing as I’m back to reading again, I feel this intense need to read about and to study as much of life as I can get my hands on. Books by heretics. Books by brown-nosing sycophants. Books by partially talented (though who am I to categorize anyone?) writers who long to take wing and burst into song, and give it their all in the process. God, but I need to “un-couple” — you know, lift the linchpin out of the coupling that binds me to the train of boxcars that rolls through my ordinary life, and really — by all that’s right and fair and wrong and unfair — let myself slow. Or jump the tracks. Or simply break pace for even just a few seconds from the momentum of the day-to-day.
Drink bitter tea that will kill my cold before it gets hold of me. Eat spoons full of honey that take the bitter edge off my frustrating days. Lie down on the couch and look at the whorls of the ceiling while my spouse talks to their family about the latest kindred drama. Pick up a thick pen and feel the heft of it as I scrawl across a piece of paper.
This, all, is what makes it all worth it for me — so much in the details, so much to be felt, seen, thought, sensed, lived. So much in the cracks and corners of life — the sight of a wide open field under the morning sun, as I roll by on my way to work, the sound of one of my favorite songs that Pandora just happens to play, the creak of that janky strut in the back of my car… All of it adds up to one big — well, life.
And here I am, back to the balance idea.
Because it’s all there, you know. It’s all there for us to see, feel, think, sense, taste, touch, hear. To live. I can let the fatigue knock the stuffin’ out of me, as it almost did on my way home from work tonight. Tired… so very, very tired… and the darkness all around me streaked by the lights of cars and houses passing by…
Into the night… through the night… there is dark and there is light and there is everything in between. It all has its place, and my own place seems to be as much about getting out of my own way, as it is doing anything at all with what I’m given.
I’ve been given a lot. I’ve also lost a ton. I can read again. That is something. It’s really something indeed.
Had a pretty good day today. Got off to an early start, and spent the day just dealing and working, getting things done. All in all, it was productive. But man, am I bushed now.
I’ll be going to bed soon. Early. I’ve got a breakfast meeting with a former colleague who I worked with for several years prior to my 2004 TBI. They don’t know about my injury, and they will never know. It will be interesting to talk to them tomorrow and see how things are. It will be good to meet up with someone who knew me “back when” — before I lost it. It will be interesting to see how they have changed. They’ve been working at a pretty prestigious think-tank for the past four year, and they say they need someone like me for a position that’s been open for quite some time. I have my reservations, but I do want to hear what they have to say. I need to be smart about this and not jump into something head-first without really thinking it through a great deal. Lots to think about. On the one hand, I have an awful lot of hours and days and weeks where I absolutely loathe my job. But it’s a known quantity. Familiar refrain in this economy.
So, tomorrow it’s just fact-finding time. And a chance to re-connect with someone who knew me when I was really doing well. Who knows…
Anyway, I have to say it feels really good to be this tired. I had a nice dinner with my spouse tonight — it was hot today, so we made a “picnic” — I cooked up some hamburgers and we broke out the potato salad and chips and just had a nice dinner looking out over the neighbor’s woodlot. Not bad for a day that’s so unseasonably hot, you’re sure the world is really going to end on December 21st. Or is it December 12th? I can’t keep track. Have other things to think about, I guess.
So, now it’s time to wind down. Stretch a bit and and chill out. Maybe watch a little t.v., then go to bed.