Q3 Goals done – Yes! Bring it on.

hand holding pen, checking off lists on a checklist
Got that covered

I just got notified that my boss approved my Q3 goals. Woot!

That’s done. Now I can just live my life and do what I please, come what may.

I’ve been spending some time really digging into the “corners” of my past year at this job. Next week is my 1-year anniversary, so now’s a good time to do a retrospective and see what all I’ve accomplished… and figure out if that’s what I want to do with myself in the future.

I need to brush up on my resume this weekend, just to have it in good working order, in case I’m let go next week. And yes, I’m very nonchalant about it, because it’s a distinct possibility, and I have NO idea what’s going to become of me.

BUT I am confident of my ability to find another position. I’ve come to realize, through dealing with many other people, that I have skills and abilities that are assets to any organization. After years and years and years of not thinking I’m a “people person” — because I would lose track of conversations, get confused, not feel like I was keeping up, and I was a total blithering idiot — I now realize that I can hold an intelligent conversation with other people, if I just pace myself differently and interact with them more, in the course of our conversation.

I’ve also become a LOT less self-conscious, thanks to working with a neuropsych on a weekly basis. Just having someone there who’s intelligent and experienced and isn’t going to judge me for being weird — because they know what my limitations are, and they understand the nature of them — is a huge help. I practice conversing in those sessions. There are other benefits, of course, but it’s mostly the conversation practice that I need and benefit from.

So, I feel like I’m really well-positioned for whatever happens next at work. I suspect, if anything, they’ll keep me around but slot me into a different role, because the thing I do now has changed a lot, since I started, and it’s sidelined me and not made the best use of my abilities. Whatever. I’m happy to live a life of simulated productivity, just like everyone else. For all their talk about how “slammed” they are, they spend an awful lot of time on Facebook and watching videos 😉

So, today is all about doing a retrospective on my last year, as well as working on the handful of things I’ve got going for a handful of people at work. It’s fine. It’s Friday. Everyone is working from home, pretty much. And so am I.

So am I.

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I’m listening… but I didn’t hear you…

Here’s a common problem I’ve got – and yes, it’s a problem, not an “issue” or a “challenge”.

I’ll be doing something, like writing a blog post or reading something, and someone will ask or say something to me that I’m supposed to respond to.

I’ll say “Yes,” or “Okay,” or something else that indicates that I’ve heard and understood, but I’ll realize a split-second later that I have no clue what they just said to me. And I don’t have the faintest idea what I’ve just agreed to.

This is a problem. It happens all the time when I’m asked to do a chore, take out the trash, feed the pets, or carry something to another part of the house. I will respond as though I heard and understood and agreed and will do this thing. But I won’t have a clue what just happened.

And then I get in trouble, because either:

  • I’ll ask a few minutes later what I was supposed to be doing, which makes it look like I wasn’t paying proper attention to the person talking to me, or
  • I’ll forget what I was supposed to be doing, and it won’t get done, which gets me in hot water

If I can explain to the person talking to me that I’m having trouble processing what they’re saying to me, then that can help. But I don’t always have the time to do that. And sometimes by the time I figure out that I’m lost, I’m in hot water.

I spend a lot of time being in hot water. Especially at home.

At work, this happens periodically, but I can usually cover it up, because I understand my job so well that I can usually figure out ahead of time what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I’ll do it on my own time. Or I can “push back” on the people who are all over me to do something, saying that I need to do it properly, and quit pressuring me, already.

From what I’ve observed, this is what happens when I “lag” with my processing

  1. Someone says something to me
  2. I sorta kinda register that someone is talking to me
  3. After a few seconds, my brain kicks in and starts paying attention
  4. I realize that I’m not paying close enough attention, and I start really tuning in
  5. I realize that the person who is talking to me has said a bunch of things that didn’t register, so I start “rewinding” what just happened to see what I missed
  6. I get a lot of visuals about what I’m being told — different pictures flash through my head, some of them fit what I’m being told, others don’t fit at all — and I try to figure out the context of what’s being said to me… this all happens in split seconds, and it’s usually accompanied by a fair amount of anxiety, because I’ve gotten in so much trouble for getting things turned around, ever since I was a little kid, and I don’t want to get in trouble again!
  7. While I’m rewinding and replaying what happened before, this person is still talking to me, telling me more things I should be paying attention to, but my attention is divided between present and past
  8. Best case scenario: the directive is short and simple and familiar to me… Worst case scenario: what I’m being told is something new to me that I’m not following very well, I don’t have a context for it, and I’m getting all turned around
  9. If I’m lucky, the person talking to me finishes up and believes I understand what’s expected of me. If I’m not at all lucky, I am completely turned around and need to ask for help understanding, I don’t say things the right way, and the person talking to me gets really pissed off at me… starts to yell at me for not paying attention, and tells me I’m pathetic or an idiot or something like that

It’s not that I wasn’t listening. I just didn’t hear them.

Between the ringing in my ears and the many, many ways my senses are working overtime… and the way my brain is working overtime trying to make sense of it all, it takes me a little while to switch gears and get a clue that someone is trying to communicate with me. It’s not that i don’t want to listen — it just takes me a little longer to do it.

I wish the communication process were simpler with me. I think I may start asking people close to me to give me a heads-up that they’re going to say something to me… like I’ve done with deaf folks I’ve known, who have wanted me to stomp my feet on the floor or do something else to let them know that I’m about to engage with them.

Well, there are lots of areas for improvement, and I’m figuring out more every day. It’s a process, really. Something that just develops over time. And if I just don’t give up and keep going and keep trying and keep working at it, someway, somehow, I do manage to get it all sorted.

I am listening… and eventually I will hear you.