Somebody searched on this yesterday and came to my blog. In the midst of all the search engine queries about “difference between mild and severe concussion / head injury” and “do concussions make you dumber” and various sensitivities questions, this one jumped out at me:
head injury just sits in front of tv
Because that’s exactly what I feel like doing today. I just want to sit in front of the tv and not bother with anything. I don’t want to do chores, I don’t want to take the trash out, I don’t want to deal with setting mousetraps for the winter refugees in my basement, I don’t want to look at bills, I don’t want to winterize the house, I don’t want to do any of it, and I don’t want to be reminded of any of it.
I want to go back to bed and stay there for days… weeks… months… I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to interact, I don’t want to have any conversations, I don’t want to see or hear or speak to anyone. Just the tv and me. Watching stupid stuff all day long and not caring about a thing.
Am I depressed? Not exactly. I’m just a bit overwhelmed, and I can’t seem to get out of this rut I’ve gotten into, after my last tbi. It didn’t start out that way — I was really manic and GO-GO-GO for several years before everything caught up with me. But over time things obviously started to fall apart — it was even obvious to me — and it got to the point where everything became so utterly inescapable, that I had to do something, or I was going to lose it ALL. Everything I’ve worked so hard for, everything I’ve earned. I’d lost enough, before I realized that something was really wrong.
When I realized it and started dealing with it all, and I started to develop strategies and techniques for handling everything, things got better for a while, and I felt like I was able to handle the most fundamental basic parts of my life on a regular basis. Things started to make sense again, and I recouped a lot that I’d lost.
But now it’s been a couple of years since I leveled out, and I’m starting to feel like I’m drowning again. I’ve been having these intense flashes of rage under circumstances — when I’m in traffic, or when I’m dealing with someone who is getting under my skin. These intense waves of violent anger and rage well up and crash over me, and it’s all I can do, to keep myself in check. Sometimes they seem to come out of nowhere, and it’s very disconcerting when that happens. I’ve kept it together for the most part, and I haven’t done anything that will land me in hot water. But it’s still pretty upsetting to experience this as intensely as I do.
Things at work are a real problem for me, but it looks like I’m going to need to stay there for a while longer. The job interview earlier this week did not pan out. First off, the salary that was posted was nowhere near what it really was — a glitch on the job board, apparently. Plus, during the interview, I heard a distinctly disgruntled tone in my voice, which did not put me in a very good light. Also, the person interviewing me noticed that I’d had a bunch of short-term or one-year assignments over the past five years, which made them understandably nervous. Why would they hire someone who isn’t going to be able to stick it out over the long term?
So, as it turned out, the interview was a very useful experience for me. It’s a good thing that the money was too low, because I got the impression that they would not have brought me on, even if the money had been right. I definitely let my attitude get the worst of me, which is not good. I need to check that for next time, certainly. And I need to get clear about exactly how I’m going to present myself. Dignified is a good look for me. If I’m going to “suit up” then I need to act the part, as well.
So, it’s all a learning experience. And I’m willing and able to take steps to make right the things that have been turned around, or that I messed up. And I’m really glad I went to the interview, because it’s excellent experience and practice.
Here they are again:
I’ve actually taken the contents and put them into a spreadsheet, which is easier for me to work with. My handwriting has gotten a bit worse over time (I blame all the typing), so it’s hard for me to write as legibly as I’d like. So, I type my observations in there. Also, having them in a spreadsheet helps me organize them all in one place, instead of having individual sheets of paper for everything.
And an interesting thing happens when I write down what’s going on with me — I don’t feel worse or feel like I’m crazy. I actually feel more sane, because I can see that this situation is real — not for the sake of feeling sorry for myself, but for the sake of checking in with myself and just find out where I’m at.
I also feel more like getting up and going out and doing something with myself. When I track what’s going on with me and write down what I’m doing about these things, I feel like I’m better able to manage my situation and address the different aspects of it, as they all come up. And that helps to get me out of my funk. And it gets me back into my life.
Oh, I still want to just sit in front of the television and veg out to some extent. But I feel a LOT less like that than I do when I’m not tracking.
A little knowledge can go a long way, especially when it’s used properly. And I don’t let it get the best of me.