And nobody knows what it means… yet

Well, they’ve shuffled the deck chairs on the Titanic at work, and now my group, which is responsible for making things happen, is smaller than it was before.

Who knows what that means? Two people I depended on a fair amount — one of them more than the other — have moved to a different “level”, so now I don’t have the same access to them that I did before.

Sigh.

The whole thing just makes me tired — at least, it would, if I had the time and energy to be tired. But I have to keep going, get my work done, and just keep at it.

If there was a plot, I’d say I’d lost it. But there doesn’t seem to be a plot, no particular direction that people are choosing to go in. They just flail around for 6-12 months, then shuffle the deck chairs again… flail around… shuffle… flail… shuffle… you get the idea.

I’ve been looking around for another job, but to be honest, my current situation is pretty sweet, since I can work from home anytime I need to, and that’s freed up a whole lot of extra energy and time for things like… oh, having a life. I can’t ever go back to commuting 5 days a week, dealing with office politics, etc. But that’s what everybody else wants me to do.

No thanks.

Plus, then I’d have to start all over again with a new bunch of people and figure that out. Maybe they like me, maybe they don’t. Maybe we get along, maybe we don’t. In my experience, it takes 6-12 months for people to just get used to me and my quirks, and I don’t have the energy for a year’s worth of uncertainty.

Well, anyway… Eventually all this will shake out (as it always does), and I’ll be able to make some sense of things. Then they’ll change them up again.

Whatever. In another couple of years, I’ll be in the age range for early retirement. Till then, I just need to bank as much money as I can, doing what I can. I need to get my house in order — literally. Clean up. Do repairs. Rearrange my home office and different parts of my house. Get my financial books in order and get that accounting software I’ve been meaning to. Just tend to the day-to-day, and not worry about what the workday is going to bring.

The job will bring what the job brings. Whatever.

I just need to take care of my own house, my own life, my own path. Let them do what they like. As long as I’m covered, on my side, it’s fine. Eventually, it will become apparent, just what’s going on… most likely, after things have finished going on, and I have some perspective from looking in the rear-view mirror of my life.

So it goes.

Onward.

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Long weekend… coming up.

boat on beach with cliffs in the distanceMemorial Day weekend is just around the corner, and I can’t wait. Having three days off work — and tomorrow I’ll be working from home, just like everyone else who’s able to, who doesn’t want to get stuck in Friday afternoon holiday traffic.

It’s unfortunate that I feel this way. Once upon a time, I loved my work. I couldn’t wait to do it, each and every day. I didn’t like weekends, and I even worked on my skills on Saturdays and Sundays.

No more. The things I once loved to do are lost to me – ever since my TBI in 2004, the way my brain processes information changed, so I can’t do the level of coding  I once did. I also get tired more quickly, so that keeps me from working long hours at it, as well.

Oh, well. I have other things in my life that brighten my day. And I’ll have three days to do them, this weekend. Work in my garden, work around the house, work in my yard. Lots of outdoor activities — providing the weather holds.

That, and catching up on reading, maybe doing some writing, and working on some projects I’ve recently revived.

I’ve got plenty to do. I’m just feeling a certain sense of loss over not counting my day-job as something I look forward to doing.

I sometimes dream of winning the lottery. But then I get depressed. So, I try not to do that, anymore.

I just keep going. Just keep going. Till I get where I’m supposed to go.

It’s going to be great, having the time to myself, this weekend. Time to think. Time to rest. Time to move at my own pace. Bliss. Sheer bliss.

But until then, it’s work-time. And I’m about to launch into that in another 25 minutes. Just enough time to get myself prepped for my first conference call.

Onward.

Taking things as they come

merry go round with city in backgroundLife has been a little too exciting for me, lately. Lots going on, lots to do, and not nearly enough time to recover from it all.

Work needs to be done on the house. So I’m doing it.

My yard needs tending. So I’m tending it.

My job is extremely demanding. So, I’m stepping up to meet the demands as best as I can.

My spouse is doing okay – one day good, the next not so good. So, I’m dealing with that.

My car has been making strange sounds. So I took it to the mechanic.

The loaner car they gave me is terrible. So, I’m driving the van instead.

It seems like each and every day, I’m presented with challenges. More of them now, than usual, it seems. Or maybe I’m just tired. Or maybe I’m just needing a break. It could be all of the above. But for now, since I have no other “escape plan” that’s possible right away, I’m dealing with everything.

As it comes.

As it goes.

Onward.

Spring is finally here

Happy Spring!
Happy Spring!

At last.

The snow has all melted, and the rains have come, and now everyone’s yards are turning green.

I bought myself some grass seed and some moss killer, because my yard is getting way out of control with the mossy stuff. Grass needs to grow. So, it’s time to take action.

I’ve got some gardening to do, too. I bought flower seeds for the various flower beds around the house, and this weekend I’ll have some time to work on them. My spouse is away for four days, starting Thursday. So, as of Friday, I’ll have the place to myself (I’m helping out on Thursday, so it won’t be a day off for me).

Then I can get some work done. Make a racket. Make a mess. I’ll clean it all up, of course, but it’ll be good to just clunk around the house without worrying about bothering anyone else.

Happy Spring. Indeed.

 

Ah, another beautiful day. Make a point of getting out in it.

sunflowerThe weather is amazing today. It’s not too hot, not too cold, and the skies are clear. The sun is rising over the hill behind my house, and I’ve got my music on. I’ll write for a little bit, then I need to do some day-job work.

We have a huge deadline tomorrow, and we’re still scrambling a little bit to get things in order. In fact, we won’t be able to get anything 100% in order by the time the “flip the switch” tomorrow, which makes a whole lot of people nervous, including me.

It’s pretty bad.

But, the job is going fine, otherwise. I’m not the only person under pressure or experiencing profound doubts about how things are done, so I have company. And I have a paycheck. I’ve never felt this disconnected from a job, before. The things I can change, I can afford to care about. All the rest of it… well, people make their own beds, and they have to lie in them.

I’m actually looking forward to getting some work done today — I do like the part of my job I’m doing this morning. I just don’t get much chance to do it, what with all the meetings and status reporting and presentations that need to be prepped. It feels like I spend more time talking about what I’m doing, than actually doing it.

But that’s something I can change. I can do what I please in the times between when people are hounding me for updates.  Including doing the work I love to do. Honestly, it’s fun — when I get to do it. So, I can both enjoy myself and take care of business.

It’s not so bad, really. It’s just a lot of work.

Fortunately, I can work from home when I need to, so that’s great. That saves me. Being able to lie down and take a nap, when I’m exhausted and can’t go on… that’s huge. And that frees up my energy to really focus on what matters to me the most, to do some deeper thinking, and really get ahead of things, before they pile up on me.

Given how much is going on in my job, each and every day, that’s a challenge. But that just forces me to get creative and come up with real options that I can work with, instead of being stuck in somebody else’s idea of a good time. If I’m behind, and I know it, and there’s anything at all I can do about it, I have only myself to thank for falling behind.

And that’s where I’m at, right now. Sorta kinda digging out from a self-imposed prison of t0-do items. I haven’t sunk enough time into everything I do, in a systematic way, and it’s taken a toll. So, on days like today, I can do something about that. And I shall. And why not enjoy myself, while I’m at it?

It’s a beautiful day, and I’m going to make the most of it.

A good week – busy, and good

frog carrying books and papersLast week was a good one, I have to say. I took a break from social media for a while and read some books, for once. I also spent a fair amount of time taking care of business around the house. Cleaning up leftover mess from months gone by. Fixing up outside, taking care of my lawn, getting myself ready to tackle the garage and clean that out. I have a lot to do, and since it’s spring, it’s time to jump into action.

Or just get moving.

I also reconnected with some old childhood friends of mine, and it’s great to drift back into the sense I had when I was with them. When I was younger. When I didn’t fully understand my situation, what made me “tick”, etc. Relating to those people again with the perspectives I have about what I was dealing with, back then — a bunch of concussions that never got recognized or addressed, as well as the confusion and frustration and mixed-up state that came along with them — it’s much easier for me to relate to those people now, than it ever was, when I was a kid.

And that’s kind of cool. Because now I can cut myself a break, even forgive myself for being how I was. And I can cut those people a whole lot of slack for being “how they were”. Because in all honesty, I was so turned around, back then, I truly didn’t know how they were. I took a wild guess, and I guessed wrong.

But that’s all behind me. Because I understand. And I can forgive myself for a whole lot of things, now that I understand what was behind it. I can actually have compassion for myself and the person I was, back then, as well as others. And that’s the best thing of all.

Compassion makes a difference.

It’s important — and not only for the past, but for the present and future, as well. With my changed perceptions, my updated perspective, I can be free to move forward in life with a different way of thinking about things. I’m no longer “the loser who couldn’t figure anything out”. I’m “the resourceful, persistent person who never quit trying”. I’m not the former “waste of space”. I had as much right to exist as the next person, and I learned to contribute as best I could.

And I’ve been thinking a lot about contribution, lately. How important it is to really help make the world a better place by our choices, our words, our actions. I’m not talking about being some pie-in-the-sky lightweight who’s always spouting some sort of inspirational stuff. I’m talking about making the hard choices to keep positive, even in the face of adversity — to appreciate just how much everybody is dealing with, each and every day, and help them get through it all by staying positive and constructive.

We all have our struggles. That much is clear. And for me, staying stuck in my own difficulties is a sure recipe for misery. For myself, and for others. But when I get out of my own head and focus on others and look for ways to help, everything changes. For them, and for me.

That’s another thing that’s made this past week particularly good. I’ve been focusing on others, putting myself in others’ shoes, thinking about them and their situation, and doing my best to be supportive, even if I have no idea what’s causing someone to do the things they’re doing. That makes work so much easier — not because the job we’re doing is any less complicated, but because it gets the people stuff in order, and when you build from there, everything else finds a way to work itself out.

Oh, one other thing I found that’s helping — laughing, instead of cursing. Even if I don’t feel like laughing, I’ve been training myself to let out a little laugh, when I get frustrated or everything is completely messed up. Make no mistake… there’s a lot of stuff I’m dealing with that’s messed up. And it’s definitely curse-worthy. But if I make myself laugh just a little bit, that changes how things feel. And it lifts my mood considerably.

So, that’s good.

I plan to keep doing it — just embrace the absurdity of it all.

And now to get into this week. It’s spring vacation for a lot of my colleagues, this week, so it will be quiet. I’ve heard rumblings of political maneuverings that might swoop in and move me from one group to the next. Whatever happens, I’ll make the best of it. Whatever… I need a quiet week to just chill and get some work done. This should do the job.

Or it won’t.

Either way, I can always laugh about it.

There’s that.

Onward…

Time to head down the road again…

road with trees on either sideYesterday was a long day, for some reason. I went out to run some errands, then got caught up in traffic and spent more time than necessary at the grocery store. All the people shopping for dinner were a steady source of distraction, and by the end of my visit, I was worn out.

I also had to find a replacement remote, and I went to two different stores, but I had a hard time figuring out what was what… I couldn’t find the electronics aisle in one store, then I couldn’t find remote control that I liked in the other store.

So, it’s back to the drawing board. I’ll probably go out today, in a little bit, to an actual electronics store. There’s a “big box” one about 15 minutes from my place, and although I don’t like going in there, I’ll take one for the team.

I need to get something else at a nearby store, so the mall looks like it’s in my destiny, today. Or maybe not, because it’s Easter, and I’m really tired today.

I really need a walk. I’ve been cooped up inside for what feels like months. Actually, it has been months since I was free to just pick up and head down the road. Too much snow. Too much cold. Too many crazy drivers. But today, it’s quiet. Everybody’s either at church or their sleeping in before Easter dinner.

This would be my chance to pull on my walking gear and head out.

I think I’ll steer clear of the woods, though. My balance hasn’t been great, and I’m concerned about slipping and falling – especially since the snow melted so quickly and there are bound to be slick and slippery spots in the woods. I’ve already clunked my head, this morning — just a minor clunk, nothing to worry about. It was a wake-up call that my coordination isn’t great.

So, I have to make choices accordingly.

The main thing is that I keep going, keep progressing, and take care of everything that needs to be taken care of.

Onward.

Up again, down again, up again, down again

some days are heavier than others. some are not heavy at all

Lately, my life has been pretty … variable.

My mood has alternated between great(!) and meh and dismal… and then back again.

It’s all part of it, I suppose. Just life being life, work being work, family being family.

Steady on… Everything cycles around.

Everything.

“Down In a Hole” – Rediscovering Alice In Chains

volcano hole in the groundYesterday, I was wandering around the interwebs, and for some reason, I ended up listening to an old MTV Unplugged show featuring Alice In Chains. They used to be played on the radio all the time, when I was still listening to the radio, instead of listening online, and I remember well, singing along with “Rooster” and “Down In a Hole” and other songs I don’t know the name of.

And it felt great to listen to those songs again. For two reasons:

  1. I can completely relate. The songs really speak to me, especially on days like yesterday. It really felt like I was down in a hole, and that everything was conspiring against me. Those songs especially remind me of how intensely I used to relate to them about 10 years ago, and that old feeling is familiar and comforting.
  2. I realize just how far I’ve come in my recovery. Those songs used to mean so much to me… but now they’re more important to me as intermittent reminders, occasional reassurances. Something to keep me balanced and reminded that life has its ups and downs, and continues on, nonetheless.

I don’t think I’m going to go back to listening to Alice In Chains on a regular basis. I start to feel a little depressed, when I do that.

But it’s good to remember, they’re still there. And I can tune in to listen to them, anytime I need that.

And so my Tuesday begins.  Onward…

Unless we understand #TBI / #Concussion, we can’t really treat it

I’ve been more absent from this blog, this month, than I’d intended. Life… you know? It’s been very busy at work, and things are shifting with my role. I’ve had some additional training and workshops, and I’m still trying to figure out where I fit in.

Fortunately, I have help. There are a lot of folks at work who are eager to step in and pull people up to the level they need to be at. I’m not the only one who’s having some challenges navigating the new organizational structure, but fortunately, the expectation is that each and every one of us is going to have challenges and struggle somewhat.

So, that’s helpful, overall.

Getting support at work frees me up to get back to my mission: To write about long-term recovery from concussion / mild traumatic brain injury, and show that it is possible to restore your life after you’ve sustained a brain injury. There is a real dearth of information about this out in the world, and I’m (still) on a mission to do something about that.

I realize that all my … “gyrations” at work have distracted me from this mission. It’s been siphoning off all my energy and distracting me, which is the opposite of what I want and need. So, I’m settling down in my job, chilling out, and looking to my long-term future… 10… 15… 20… 30 years in the future.

And that frees me up to concentrate on the here-and-now with greater focus. It lets me get back to my mission.

The other day, while researching a post, I came across this article:

New Advice to Move More After a Concussion

When young athletes sustain concussions, they are typically told to rest until all symptoms disappear. That means no physical activity, reading, screen time or friends, and little light exposure, for multiple days and, in severe cases, weeks.

Restricting all forms of activity after a concussion is known as “cocooning.” But now new guidelines, written by an international panel of concussion experts and published this month in The British Journal of Sports Medicine, question that practice. Instead of cocooning, the new guidelines suggest that most young athletes should be encouraged to start being physically active within a day or two after the injury.

“The brain benefits from movement and exercise, including after a concussion,” says Dr. John Leddy, a professor of orthopedics at the Jacobs School of Medicine and Biomedical Sciences at the University at Buffalo, and one of the co-authors of the new guidelines.

And it makes sense to me. Because when you think about concussion / TBI in terms of what it is (an injury that disrupts connections and releases a bunch of “gunk” into the brain that shouldn’t be there), and you think about the brain in terms of what it does (processes information based on connections and makes new connections where none existed before), and you think about how the body works (moves all of that information through  – mentally and physically), then cocooning probably isn’t the thing to do for long periods of time.

TBI is a tricky thing. It’s different for everyone, of course, and something that works for one person might not work for another. But we’re all walking around in human bodies, and those human bodies function pretty much the same way.

So, if we use the principles of how the body and brain work, and we understand the nature of concussion, and we understand the dynamics of the whole scenario, new treatment approaches become clearer.

It surprises me a little bit that it took till May, 2017, to figure out how to better treat concussions. Then again, until the past 10-15 years or so, people didn’t really take “mild” traumatic brain injury that seriously. Everybody just laughed it off like it was no big deal.

Then we started to realize that onetime football players were ending up in a bad way — worse than the general public. And football players and their families started going public about their struggles. And people started talking — out loud — about stuff that used to be a source of terrible shame and embarrassment. The kinds of stuff that “you just didn’t talk about”, back in the day.

A lot has changed, thanks to research and increased awareness.

And we’re making progress in many areas.

But still, it surprises me, how much we don’t know… how much we still overlook… and how many people continue to struggle, months and years after a concussion or mTBI.

I have my own struggles, sure. A lot of the problems I had haven’t gone away completely. But after all these years of actively working on solutions, I’m doing a whole lot better at managing them, and that’s made all the difference. Maybe it’s true that brain injury can never be reversed, but then, life can never be reversed, and if we treat concussion issues as just another aspect of life that needs to be taken seriously and managed appropriately, it is very possible to have a “regular” life afterwards.

Sure, you’ll have to change some things. You’ll have to adjust. But life is full of those kinds of requirements. We don’t get a “pass” when we get injured, and the world jumps in to protect us. We just get a different set of challenges and difficulties and benefits to work with.

That being said, mental rigidity is probably one of the biggest hurdles to TBI recovery. The very black-and-white thinking that takes over when your brain gets injured can cause the injury to become even worse. Because you’re locked in a straitjacket of limited thinking. Getting your mindset out of the box and trying different things, living differently, getting on with your life, and being mindful about stuff… that can help hugely. I know it helped me more than I can say.

So, there are just a few more days left in Brain Injury Awareness Month. I’ve fallen far short of my stated plan to focus on brain injury recovery for the duration. I had such great plans… But of course… life. And my limits.

Turns out, what I’m taking away from Brain Injury Awareness Month is a reminder of how — yet again — I need to adjust my commitments and expectations and go a bit easier on myself. The thing to remember is that life goes on. And while I didn’t live up to my own expectations, the world keeps turning, the sun rises and sets, it snows and the snow melts, and the songbirds return to my bird feeder.

For today, that’s enough. It’s more than enough.