It’s an amazingly beautiful day today. I didn’t get enough sleep, last night, and I’m feeling foggy and a little ill, but nonetheless, the outdoors awaits.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how I got my Sense-of-Self back. It has been back for at least a year, now. After feeling like a stranger in my own skin for years and years, I finally feel like me again.
How did this happen?
I think it’s really been about habit. Developing good routines I can do, every single day, and also developing the discipline to follow through with things. It’s been difficult, but it’s been worth it.
As an example, this morning I took care of a Sunday task that I often leave until the end of the day. It drags me down all day, filling my mind with dread, and sapping my energy. But it needs to get done, every single week. No exceptions. So, this morning after my breakfast, I just sat down and did it. I spent maybe 20 minutes on it, following a series of somewhat complicated steps that have to be done in a specific order. I mess them up, now and then, but this morning I was totally focused on them. And I got them all done in good order.
And by 8:00 a.m. I was done with that, and ready for the rest of my day. I felt so fantastic, I was trotting around the house, and my spouse wondered why I was so chipper.
It’s because I did that unavoidable task exactly the way it was supposed to be done. I followed my own detailed instructions. I did my weekly duty. And the successful and smooth completion of it all left me feeling with a real sense of accomplishment, as well as a renewed sense of myself as a capable and … well, good human being.
I firmly believe that TBI robs us of a Sense-Of-Self by changing our internal reactions and our long-familiar capabilities, and thus making us into someone we don’t recognize. Even the slightest of changes in our accustomed inner experience of life can make us feel like a stranger to ourselves.
But when we re-learn how to do things, and we grow accustomed to the experiences we’re having with them — when those experiences become familiar to us again, just as our old experiences were — we can once again recognize ourselves… and get on with our lives as the capable people we once knew ourselves to be.
TBI recovery is very much about re-acquainting yourself with yourself. It might be a whole new you, in some ways, but it’s still you.
You just need to learn to recognize yourself.