Yeah… and so it starts again

How my life feels, right about now

I’m going to restrain myself and NOT refer to the people managing the company where I work as “Lying sacks of sh*t”. Let’s just say, things have apparently changed, since they last told us that the rounds of layoffs were over, a few months back.

They’re not over. Not even close. And they will continue to happen, because the deal that’s supposed to be so sweet, is becoming a bit sour.

I just heard that there are supposed to be more layoffs in another 4 weeks or so. Wonderful. That will give me time to spruce up my resume.

Please, please, please, may I get a decent package and be released into the wild. I know I’m supposed to be careful what I ask for, but the way I figure it, I am eminently replaceable. The company that’s buying mine already has people working with the technology I work with, and they look to be 20 years younger, which means they are cheaper — and easier to let go, at some point. Now’s the time when they can let me go and not get dinged for it.

So, it’s back to the drawing board. Maybe.

Who knows? All I know is, my patience has run thin, and I really don’t feel like doing anything for anyone, anymore. The whole thing about trading my time and talents for a paycheck just seems like a bad joke. I’ve given enough. I’ve contributed enough blood to the cause.

It’s a strange feeling. I feel as though I’m in a motorboat, crossing a swift river. And my motor has died. I’m trying to get it started again, pulling and pulling on the starter cord, but I can’t seem to get my motor to start. And the river just keeps flowing.

I really feel like jumping overboard and swimming for shore… and getting off the river. I feel as though that’s what the whole corporate scene is like — going on a boat ride down a river. You can’t control the river, you can try to maneuver around rocks and through rapids, and you can alter your speed, but as long as you’re in the river, you’re never getting to the other side. Even the people running the show aren’t getting to the other side. They’re swept along, the same as the rest of us.

So, I think I need a different river. Or a smaller one. Once again, I remember why I always prefer to do contract work. People who run things at “stable” companies often seem to have different priorities than keeping the business running smoothly – especially when they’re huge. I’ve been working at top-10 multinational corporations for most of the past 30 years, and it’s always the same.

On it goes. I work with a bunch of people who have been through this a bunch of times. I’m not sure how they do it. Living with a sword of Damocles always hanging over your head… not fun.

So, it’s time to take action. Decide where I want to go, and what I want to do, and just do it. I actually have a project I was working on about a year ago, that sputtered out. But I really think it needs to be revived again. I have a handful of projects — all organized around a central theme — that I think could be good and useful for other people.  And I could also do some public speaking about it, as well. It could be an additional way for me to make some money, and it might even expand into something bigger. Now than I think about it, I actually have a number of things I can bring together… and actually build a business out of it. Heck, I have the start of an eBook that actually has a lot of really great content in it. I can use that as a starting point, and work from there. I know there are some places in the area that can use this — and I might be able to branch out, as well.

It’s funny — I had actually started to build out this business, in the few months before I got approached by my current employer, and it looked like I was going to be able to knock it out of the park. But when I got this new job, I put everything on hold, because I wanted to focus on this job. Now things are changing again, and it’s actually the perfect time to revive that business idea. Not only does it give me a good way to “channel” my anxious energy, but it also gives me something to work towards.

The more I think about it, the better this sounds. It really, really does. And I had forgotten how much work I had put into this, in the months before I started this new job. It’s pretty amazing, really — and once again, my “blinkered” perception rears its head. I get so hyperfocused on what’s in front of me, that I lose sight of the larger picture — and things that occurred in times that I’ve forgotten about. It’s a good thing I store everything on my hard drive — and on an external one, as well — and online in my web storage space. Otherwise, I’d just forget all about things.

Yeah. That’s it. I need something that’s actually mine, that I can call my own. And this is it. Other people have kids… or pets… or some cause they rally around, that brings meaning and purpose to their lives. I have no kids, I have no pets (not since the last cat died, 4 years ago), and my causes are personal and private — not the kinds of things I bring out into my outward life.

I just need to get creative and pick the direction I want to go — then go there.

I’ve already picked it. Now it’s time to go.


Live more, labor less, work better

OK, birds are good

A funny thing has happened, since I switched over to a standing desk at home and at work. All of a sudden, I’m thinking a whole lot better. AND I don’t get caught up in perseverating quite the way I used to. I’m not getting stuck in a particular train of thought… unable to change my direction.

I’m also feeling less rigid, less stuck. And I’m letting go of stuff that I used to cling to so intently, just because…

Old projects that used to seem so important… new ideas to work on. Inventions. Websites. Passive income. MAKING IT HAPPEN. All those ideas in my head, all of them competing for space and time. When all I really wanted to do, was focus on one or two of them, and let the rest go. I couldn’t seem to let things go when they no longer mattered deeply to me.

Habit, maybe? I dunno. I was just stuck.  Stuck in the hustle. Stuck in the constant campaign for productivity and effectiveness. How tiresome it all got.

Oddly, I don’t have that old hunger to pile up all sorts of projects on myself, anymore. It’s like, with this last round of layoffs and all the drama at work, the absolute futility of getting attached to any particular outcome is pointless and vain, so why not just focus on doing what you do, for the love of doing it,rather than achieving any specific desired effect from it. Just getting into the doing for the sake of doing, and letting everything else just sort itself out.

Now I am more focused on just doing things because I enjoy them and they bring me some sense of fulfillment. In addition to hitting that old futility wall at work, I also think it has to do with the energy I am getting from standing. It really keeps me on my toes, literally and figuratively, and just moving around is doing wonders for my pain and stiffness.

Pretty amazing, really.

I think that I used to hang onto all those old projects I had going, in part because the stress of overload kept me alert. The adrenaline and excitement were palpable, they fed me. No more. All that whoop-de-do doesn’t feed me, it drains me. Now I’m keeping alert by standing up, and I don’t actually need the environmental stress to keep me sharp.

It’s all about the energy.

And it’s good energy, too. I find myself having to work less hard, to make progress in the one or two things I have going on, these days. I can actually think on the fly, instead of needing to sit down at my desk.  I’ve had some good breakthroughs, lately. They just come.

And they come, because I’ve stopped funnelling so much time and energy and attention towards things that don’t actually matter to me, anymore. There was a lot that I was really doing for the money… pushing and pushing to “realize the potential” of ideas. Please. I’ve managed to let that go (for now, anyway), and I’ve stopped working so hard at absolutely everything. I’m just doing my thing. No pressure.

Whatever. {shrug}

It’s a lot more fun, this way.

And I could really use more fun.


Good morning, Monday

Hello to the new week

I had a pretty very good weekend. Had a headache yesterday, but it seems to have gone away and is not bothering me right now.

That’s fine. If it were still here, it would be fine, too. Just a distraction, but one I can keep out of my main focus, by using my noggin properly. Zeroing in on what I want to think about, not the constant intrusions from all around me.

The best thing about this past weekend, is that I made a lot of progress, but now I’m not terribly pained about it being over. I’m still making progress with my projects and interests and studies. My days are all pretty much blending together, as I develop a good routine each day to make progress on the things that matter most to me.

I spent a lot of time, actually, getting clear about what I do NOT want to spend a lot of time on. I’ve made lists of my projects over the past several weekends, and I have sorted and prioritized what I want to work on. And I see that I have been distracting myself by getting sidetracked on things that don’t actually help me finish what I’ve started.

So, I have taken a bunch of things off my list of “must do” pastimes, and I’ve turned them into rewards for finishing the things I’ve started. There are a couple of projects I am very eager to start, but they are keeping me from completing what I have already started. So I am treating them like rewards for finishing what I’m doing now. It’s doing wonders for my motivation. Really wanting to move on to the other things is getting my butt in gear to finish what I’ve already started.

I’ve also found some really good books to read. And listen to. I signed up for Scribd, which now has audiobooks included in the subscription. It costs $49/year, which is about $4/month. I can afford that. And what I get out of it is worth far more than $4/month. I’m listening to Sir Richard Branson’s memoirs — he talks about the mistakes he made as a kid, and also not doing well in school, thanks to dyslexia and what would probably be considered ADD. It really is inspiring, and he offers some great tips on what makes a person great — and effective.

Things like being generous. And taking copious notes (by hand). Asking a lot of questions. Being engaged.

Sounds good to me.

Anyway, it’s Monday, and I have an early meeting at the office. Hello and good morning to all.


Picking and choosing and taking a break

I’ve been having a pretty good day today. I got a lot of reading done, this morning, then I went for a long walk to think about where I want to go with my life this year.

I am doing something that a lot of people seem to be doing this year – not making any real new year’s resolutions, just doing the right things for the right reasons and developing positive habits. I had a couple of good “talks” with myself today, as I thought about where I am putting my energy and attention, and I realized how much time I have been wasting on distractions and saying “yes” to every little idea that comes to mind.

For the past several weekends, I have lost days to coming up with ideas that seemed great at the time, but ended up being dumb ideas… Or just weren’t anything that will get me closer to my goals of creating peace and a good structure in my life on a regular basis.

They were distractions. That’s all. And I’ll never get that time back.

Oh, well. On the bright side, I have been coming up with some much better ideas about how to spend my time — and the nice part is, a lot of it involves saying “NO” to things that pull me off base. I have been putting together a schedule of sorts, to see where and when and how I am going to do the things I want to do. This is in addition to working full-time, so obviously I need to be very careful with how I spend my time.

I also need to allow myself to just breathe. It’s all a balancing act, really.

The thing with my head, is that it gets to stuck in its ways. It gets an idea, and then it stays stuck in that, even after it’s not working anymore. And the idea of NOT doing it, makes me more anxious than the thought of wasting countless hours and days and weeks and months (sometimes years) at pursuing it over and over and over again. My head is funny, that way.

So, I’m pretty beat, tonight. I had a good long nap, but I’m still tired. I’m looking forward to getting a good night’s sleep. And then getting up to see another day through. Life is pretty cool for me, right now, and I’m feeling really good about taking some of the crap off my plate, so to speak. I don’t need to do everything. I can take my time, in some respects, and I can hurry up in others. It’s up to me, really. I get to choose.

And so I shall.


When getting stopped… gets you started

Stop… then go

Okay, this is promising. Since my week+ off, I have been seriously thinking about how I organize my time and do the things that I want to do. I’ve been taking a close look at how I do things… how I hope… how I dream. And I have had some really useful insights.

In the past couple of years, I started a new company. I had an idea for an invention, and I went through the whole process of documenting it and filing provisional patent papers, building a website, selling a few working prototypes, and trying to get it off the ground. It was a good idea, I thought. I still do think so. But this past year, I have let it slide. I couldn’t figure out why that was. It was/is a good idea. Why not make it work?

The thing is, I have realized that I actually don’t want to be in the manufacturing business. That’s what it boils down to – manufacturing. And as much as I want to see my country be able to revitalize the manufacturing sector and give good jobs to Americans, I don’t want to be one of the people doing it. In fact, I really dislike manufacturing, as well as creating all kinds of new stuff for people to buy and sell. I’m much more of an ideas person.

Of course, I’ve always been involved in production of some kind or another, over the course of my life. I’ve worked in greenhouses and factories, and I’ve been involved in website production for decades. It’s been my bread and butter… the thing that kept me afloat over the years, making so much possible.

So, of course I think of how to do more production — this time under my own chosen circumstances — when I think of creating a new business. But when I get down to it, and I really start to do that handiwork, it occurs to me that my time is much better spent thinking and creating ideas, rather than physical things. And my abilities and knowledge are put to much better use, when I focus on putting them out there, rather than doing them in the background, while I trade my time and energy for money.

One of the things that’s always held me back, is the fact that I don’t have a college degree. I went for 4 years, but I couldn’t finish on time — for a number of reasons. And then I got busy, my life got exciting, I got hurt a bunch of times, and being as tired and as hurt as I was, finishing my degree just didn’t seem like it was within reach. I also got sick and tired of all the academic crap, and I just wanted to make money and live my life.

Nowadays, having a degree is almost a requirement. I can slip by, given my life and work experience, but it’s getting harder to do that, as more people with college degrees are getting more and more experience to compete with mine. So, I have to make my own way — and that means having my own business that I can develop.

And it means I need to realize what kind of business I don’t want to run. That includes stopping momentum on another business I’ve been seriously considering starting. I made some minor progress on the project about six months ago, but I suspended it for some reason I can’t recall. For the past several weeks, I’ve been doing the analysis to see if it makes sense, and – lo and behold – it does not. There could be good money there, but it’s more manufacturing. It’s on a much smaller scale than my other idea, but it’s still making stuff to send out to people. It will put me on a time clock, pretty much, getting stuff to people when they want it. It’s going to lock me into being responsive and customer-service-oriented.

And that’s not what I want to do.

I know that now.

So, this is a good sign. I have been spending the morning doing an inventory of all the projects I have started over the years, and it’s looking pretty comprehensive. And I know what I want to do next with a lot of them. This blog is up at the top of the list. I’m going to continue on here, and keep going with my other projects. Stay focused and realistic, and take my time at them — but not too much time, because then I get bored and start to distract myself for no good reason.

I’m being smart about it — laying the groundwork and using my noggin. 2015 is off to a good start.


On the mend, bit by bit

Patching myself up again

Wow, I have been wiped out this past week. For two reasons:

First, I’m completely depleted by the past years of BS that I’ve been wrangling on a daily basis. It’s just insane, thinking back to how relentless that pace was. Sure, it was invigorating at the start, and it really gave me a lot of energy, but geez… it was artificial and completely needless. And it’s going to take me a while to get my balance back and restore my depleted reserves.

Second, I’m learning a new job, new people, new place, new routine, and that’s taking a lot of energy, too. I’ve been wiped OUT at the end of each day, even though I really do enjoy my new gig, and it’s vastly better than what I’ve known in recent memory.

But I’m getting better. I’m on the mend.

I’m making sure to get plenty of rest – going to bed at a decent hour (9:30 last night, on a Friday night, of all times), and being able to “sleep in” till 7:30, without the whole world falling apart around me. I’m still able to make it to work on time. And I’m looking forward to getting to a point where I am rested enough to be able to wake up at 5:30 or 6, get an hour or two of reading and thinking and writing in, before I head off to work.

That’s the thing that really excites me about this job — not only the fact that it’s a great company and has wonderful opportunities for me, but also that it’s not running my life.

The thing is, no matter how wonderful the opportunity is, it’s still a desk job… indoors… working for someone else on their own time. So, there’s only so much unbridled enthusiasm I can muster. Maybe I’m just getting older and more mellow, realizing that it’s not worth getting all woo-hoo about these things, because they change, they morph, they shift and alter, and not always in ways we like.

Also, the days of me putting any stock in a “good job” providing me with the personal fulfillment I need, are pretty much behind me. This is a job — it’s a means to an end. And its main purpose is to provide me with a decent living, while not interfering too terribly with the things that matter the most to me.

It’s a job. It’s a good job with a good company. But it’s not the only thing I do with my life, and in fact, one of the biggest draws to it, is the fact that I’m NOT deeply invested in it, thinking that this is the be-all to end-all that’s going to make my life complete.

The last job I had, provided a sort of “emotional paycheck” at first. Of course, after we got relocated in 2011, that all changed, and that part went away. Overall, though, there was some sense of investment in the experience, in the role, in the team, that kept me there for nearly four years.

Now, I’m in a much better position, but I don’t feel that deep connection to the role itself. I feel a deep connection to my overall life, and the ways that I can use that role to express parts of me in a meaningful way. But it’s not about the role. The role is a means to an end, not an end in itself, as it used to be.

So, while I am so very grateful to have this fantastic opportunity, I’m feeling neutral about the work and the position. Which is good. When I feel passionate about the work and get invested in outcomes, that’s when I get on a roller-coaster that takes me in directions I don’t want to go. Being neutral frees me up — it doesn’t get me all fired up, but that’s a good thing. Being fired up is accompanied with getting burned… both from within and without… and I’m pretty much done with that.

What I’m really focusing on now, is my whole life. Reading. Writing. Public speaking. Research. Developing new ways of relating to the world around me that add meaning and value to my overall experience. I’ve got a birthday coming up in a couple of weeks, and it feels strange. I don’t really have a sense of being a certain age… just a sense of everything I have been through — which is far more than lots of people my own age, and far less than lots of people of many different ages.

This shift away from getting caught up in my job has been possible because I am not wasting a lot of time traveling to and from. It’s also possible because I’m on a contract, I’m not an invested employee whose fate is determined by corporate overlords. I can come and go as I please, and not have to sweat the changes. I’ve got plenty of opportunities around me, and now that I’m back in the flow of contracting, my world has just opened up again.

Also, I’m not permitted to pursue my own personal activities without repercussion from my employer. I gave my new agency a list of all the things I’m currently involved in, and they didn’t have a problem with it. No more of that you-work-for-us-so-we-own-your-ass intellectual property protectiveness. The things I’m involved in, personally, have nothing at all to do with the company where I work now, so there’s no conflict of interest. At all.

Which is nice.

I’m free.

It’s going to take some time for me to re-acclimate to having my life be my own, but I’ll adjust.

No worries.


Spring is sprung, and it’s time to clean house

I’m not THIS bad off, but I could do better

That pretty much says it all. Spring is up on us, and with it comes a certain urgency with me to clean house — to clear out all the leftovers from the past year that have nothing to do with me, any more, and really put my current interests and affairs in order.

I am making the somewhat radical decision today, to not file additional federal paperwork on a project I started up last year. The paperwork would be all about registering the intellectual property of my project, and it would ensure that I have the right to sue other people for stealing my ideas.

In theory, that sounds like a good plan. It protects my rights and makes it possible for me to profit from my inventiveness and creativity.

However, in practice, it’s not very workable. Say a big company comes along and likes my idea and decides to steal it. I would need to launch a big-ass legal action on them and be willing to go through all the drama around lawyers and court appearances and filings and whatnot. I’ve had enough of courts in my past several years, and the last thing I want — even if it’s to protect my intellectual territory — is to spend any more time in court or around lawyers.

Not only would I need the right legal help, but I’d also need the time and energy to pursue all recourses, and God only knows how long that would take, and how much energy it would demand. I just don’t have that kind of bandwidth available, and the stress of it… well, that’s just not worth it to me.

I’d much rather have a good and settled life that has a good balance between challenging work and having enough time to blog on the side. That’s what I really want — to refocus my energy and attention on TBI recovery solutions, and make a positive difference in people’s lives.

So, that’s what I’m going to do. My study is chock-full of all kinds of materials — some of it junk, some of it gold. I have a ton of old bills lying around in stacks on my two desks, and I have a bunch of unopened junk mail that I thought might be interesting… but hasn’t appealed to me enough to want to open it. I’m feeling a bit blocked in, to tell the truth, and I need to free up some space for the things that matter most to me:

  • Sitting/breathing meditations
  • Stress inoculation / hardiness development (strength and endurance training in all aspects of my life)
  • Learning new things and relearning old things I lost
  • Sharing what I’ve learned so that others can benefit as well

I have been thinking long and hard about what I want to do with myself and my life, lately. I have really thought hard about my Big Project from last year, and whether I need to continue it. As much as I want to follow through as planned, upon closer examination, I now realize how much time and energy it has consumed from me, and what a source of anxiety and worry and stress it has been for me. I really learned a lot from it, but in the end, it’s really not what I want to be doing with my life, so I’m letting it go.

And when I consciously let it go in my mind, I feel this enormous rush of relief that opens up all sorts of other possibilities for me.

Like another more technical project I had started about 5 years ago, which I let go because I was having so much trouble with the work involved in making it happen. It was a good project, and I hated having to let it go, but my brain just wasn’t up to it.

My brain was too scattered, to easily distracted by all sorts of peripheral details that had nothing to do with what was actually going on. I had trouble interacting with other people, because my moods were so crazy, I would get pretty aggressive with folks, and my anxiety was out of control. It’s kind of tough to lead a project and present yourself well, when you’re a heap of frazzled nerves and you’ve got hair-trigger reactiveness. Plus, the technology I needed just wasn’t there, yet, and because of that, there were a ton of legal and federal regulation issues that were insurmountable hurdles for me, at that place and time in my life.

Now, though, the technology has matured, and I want to re-start that project. It was a good one, and the initial version of the program I wrote actually helped me with my recovery a great deal. So, I want to re-start that and take it to the next level. I have had many good ideas for how to simplify it, over the past years, and I’m ready to start again.

Which is good.

And which is why I need to clean my study. All these books and papers and bills and leftovers… There’s just so much … stuff … that I haven’t used in years, and I’m probably not going to use again. At the same time, buried under that stuff is a lot of material that I need to excavate and restart, because that is what matters most to me, and that’s where my passion lies.

Moving forward is really as much about figuring out what you don’t want to do, as it is about figuring out what you do want to do. And making the choices to NOT move forward with certain things, and to clear the decks of all those things, is a major step towards making some real progress.

Spring is in the air. And it’s time to make a new start. The winter has been long and grueling, and I’ve learned a lot of good lessons.

Now it’s time to put those lessons into action… and move forward with the best of what I have.



Clearing the decks

All set and ready to sail

So, yesterday I got thrown a curve ball. Apparently some low-level managers (including my own) are having some conflict issues, and they’re “jumping on it” to “escalate” the situation and address this awful situation.

Basically, the underlying problem is that the people involved (including me) are intensely overworked, with limited resources, and a lot of folks are wearing thin. The overworked people in the other group love to vent, and one of the many things they were venting about was me.

But rather than stopping and asking what the real cause of all of this is, and addressing things at their root level, our managers have decided to “raise the issue” amongst themselves and kick up even more dust.

Stupid. And incredibly distracting. And all this is happening yesterday, while I’m working non-stop trying to get critical things done. I swear, I do NOT have time to hold someone’s hand while they learn the ropes. My temporary direct manager, who is frankly young enough to be my child, considers me to be a friend, but they’ve become increasingly problematic and high-maintenance. And frankly, the newfound power they have inherited because they are friends with the new uber-boss is seriously going to their head.

Sad. I think it’s time I unfriended them on Facebook. I just don’t trust them anymore. And I need to focus on the most critical aspects of my day, rather than populating my experience with distractions and empty entertainment.

To that end — clearing away all the distractions from my life in an extended spring cleaning, I have cleared off the majority of crap from my desk, including a big-ass plant that’s been growing like crazy for the past two years. I cleared a huge space yesterday, and it actually felt really good to do it. Today I will clear the other half of it, and only have the things in my workspace that actually have anything to do with work. That means taking away the art, taking away the pictures, the toys, everything that might distract me from what I am doing. I know people thought I was quitting yesterday, when I removed most things that had any sign of individuality, and it made people nervous. But I have so much to do, and I have so little time to do it in, I just have to make room for that, buckle down, and git ‘er done.

So, I shall.

The thing that burns me about my situation at work is that I can do better than I am. I know I can, and getting reprimanded by amateurs just infuriates me. It’s just too much. I am capable of so doing much better, and I’m surrounded by people far junior to myself, who have more power and influence than I — because the people running the show have less experience than I, as well, so they relate to the newbies… and they don’t know any better — so my whole experience is one of dealing with the incredibly poor decisions of others. And it’s a massive time and energy sink.

So, I’m clearing the decks of everything that is pointless and stupid and inferior to what I want in my life, and I’m focusing on bringing my own experience and activities into line with what I’m truly capable of. Moving things out of the way so people can sit down and work with me…. Removing objects that just take my attention away from my work…. Dispensing with the illusion that there is anything humanizing about my work environment, and stopping trying to improve the circumstances with little band-aids over a gaping wound of stupidity and ignorance….

I’m just tired of pretending that the emperor has any clothes on, and I just want to kick it and do some serious work, already.

Enough frittering. Enough dilly-dallying. Enough lollygagging around, dawdling, and mooning over this and that and whatever. It’s time to shift into all-wheel-drive and cover some terrain. Have laser focus on what I want and what I need to do, and screen out everything else that stands in the way.

That being said, gotta run and get ready for work.

The day is waiting. Onward…

Finding full range of motion

This week has been crazy. I’m six weeks away from leaving this wretched job, and I’m full-speed-ahead on finishing everything that I need to finish, so I can go in good conscience. I friggin’ hate the company and its hare-brained policies. Not the people.

Well, most of the people I work directly with. The folks at HQ elevate being an a$$hole to an art form. They really seem to delight in it and take pride in it, which is not very smart on their part. I guess they didn’t get the memo that you can’t treat other people with disdain and disregard, and still be productive and get things done.


Anyway, enough about them. I’m done with them in seven weeks — less than two months. Ha. No longer will I need to be hindered by their lack of vision and foresight. No longer will I be held back by their delusions and autocracy. No longer will I be subject to their silly little games and jockeying for position in a domain that is nothing to get excited over.

Seven weeks, and that’s it. I’m done. Finis.

I’m back into doing my daily exercises, with a somewhat different approach than before, when I was really focused on cardio and strength training and specific exercises to strengthen specific parts of my muscular structure. As it turns out, even though I am stronger than the average desk jockey, my range of motion sucks. I’ve got a lot of pain that I need to get rid of, so I’m taking time in my mornings and evenings (when I get home from work), to stretch and do some light yoga and body-weight-bearing exercises. I’m making it a priority to MOVE first thing in the morning, no matter how creaky and painful I feel. Just moving, getting the blood going, getting the muscles moving over bone, and getting all the tendons and ligaments engaged… it’s made a big difference in how I start my mornings.

Back a few years ago, when I was working out every morning, it really gave me a boost. Then I hit a plateau and I didn’t want to shake things up. I was comfortable and familiar with the routine I had in place. It helped me get going, and it was a valuable jump start. But after a while I got locked into that routine, and it actually started working against me, limiting what I was willing to do, physically, first thing in the morning.

Now I’ve got this focus on movement. On seeing how my body feels, first thing in the morning, and doing something about it, if I’m not liking how I’m feeling.

The first step is being able to tell how things are going with me, physically. In the past, I have had a hell of a time actually feeling what was going on in my body. I tend to be so “up in my head” that I don’t pay any attention to how I’m feeling physically. This is also the case because I have been in pain for so long, and I haven’t been able to do anything about it, so I just ignore it and move on. Seriously, what’s the point in “getting in touch with my pain,” as so many have encouraged me to do, when there’s not a damn’ thing anyone — including doctors and chirpractors and all sorts of experts — can do about it?

Trust me, I’ve checked. They either don’t believe how much pain I am in each day and tell me I’m exaggerating, or they launch an all-out pharmaceutical offensive on the offending experience, doping me out of my mind in the process — and accomplishing nothing, other than destroying what quality of life I have left.

It’s infuriating — not least of all, because they have a mixture of hubris and cluelessness about how the body actually works, that makes them uniquely qualified to completely f*ck up my life, along with the lives of countless others who have the great misfortune to cross their path. And magically, it doesn’t seem to bother them that they’ve done far more harm than good. Hey, at least they tried, right?

Idiots. The scary thing is, I have relatives who are freshly minted doctors, and you can see the “Stepford” progression with them — they just become so taken with themselves and so enamored of medicines and chemicals and what-not, that it totally blinds them to any real ways they could help.

But enough of my ranting and venting. That’s just how things are, and the one thing I can do about it, is remove myself from the presence of any offending individuals. I’m actually in a good space today, and I’ve got a ton of energy (hence the energetic ranting).  I have a full list of activities planned for this weekend, that are all interesting and engaging and will take me down a path to something better than where I’m at today.

Now, plenty of people will pooh-pooh me and say, “Be careful what you ask for… things don’t get better, they just get different” but they can go pound sand.  My life is getting better. My memory is for shit, I’m completely wiped out half the time, and I’m having a hell of a time following conversations, but that’s largely a function of me putting a whole lot of my energy in specific areas and not really making the effort to pay attention to the same-old-same-old that I’m getting away from. I’m nominally functional in tons of ways each day — but that’s for a very good reason: because I’m hyper-functional in a few select ways, and I need to save my energy.

Save my energy and build it up, too. With my morning (and evening) exercises. I also nap regularly — not for long periods — maybe 40-60 minutes at a stretch, tops. I just step away, lie down and crash into darkness, then get up and get back into everything. It makes a huge difference, and when I come back from my naps, I feel like a whole new person, ready to do what needs to be done.

You know, it’s funny. It’s nearly 10 years after my last TBI — the one that nearly did me in. I still don’t really “feel like myself” and half the time I feel like I’m walking around in a daze, trying to figure sh*t out on the fly. Nothing I plan actually seems to turn out the way I plan and expect it, but I am adapting much better and much more quickly than ever. And in a way, I feel like I’m adjusting to that state of being. It’s not throwing me for a loop anymore. I’m learning to expect it. I can’t say that I’m all that happy about it, and I can’t say that anyone is actually helping me deal with this loss of my old self and the experience of walking around in a life that feels so foreign to me, nearly every waking moment. But it’s not taking me by surprise anymore. And I’m finding moments where I can have some actual peace in the midst of it all.

What’s more, I’m finding ways to get where I want to go… I’m discovering new ways to identify and pursue my dreams, and deal with the surprises that crop up, every single day — sometimes by the hour. And despite not feeling like “myself” anymore, and not recognizing the person I have become, I am a whole lot more functional than I was 15 years ago, when I was struggling on a daily basis with the long-term after-effects of multiple mild traumatic brain injuries. I was really, really struggling. Even though I was making good money at a good job, and I had all these “secure” situations around me, my head was a mess, my relationships were superficial and extremely rocky, I got roped into doing a heck of a lot of crap I had no interest in doing, and I struggled on a regular basis with debilitating panic/anxiety, violent mood swings, crippling depression, and suicidal thoughts.

I was no friggin’ fun to live with, at times, I can tell you that.

Now my situation is completely different. Learning about TBI and how it affects me, has literally turned my life around.  It gives me information I can use to manage my situation, know what to look out for, and continually improve. It’s not just learning about TBI and all it brings with it — it’s also learning how I individually experience and react to my TBI symptoms, and learning how I can do something about it. There’s a ton of room for creative problem-solving in this new world, and the results I see are often instantaneous. It’s really gratifying — like mowing my lawn and seeing how much better everything looks after the fact. Sometimes it just takes a little bit of effort to make a big difference.

That being said, this morning moving exercise routine of mine is really working out well. I do something different each morning and evening. I have a few core exercises I do, and then I improvise around the others. It gets me out of my head and gets me “in touch” with my physical sensations — which in turn helps me for the rest of the day, because the clues that I am becoming tense or stressed or frustrated, are physical clues — before anything else.

So, knowing how my body feels and being able to “check in” to see how I’m doing, helps my mental health and my interactions with other people. Each and every day. So that my range of motion improves — not only physically but also socially as well.

Speaking of motion, it’s time to get going. The day is waiting.


Always Plan B

Sometimes the original plan just doesn’t work out – but it’s not the end of the story

Even the best-laid plans can go awry, as happened with me yesterday. I had my day pretty well mapped out to get a lot of things done, then I ended up hijacked by someone’s 4-hour negativity “bender”, followed by a meltdown over getting dragged down into all sorts of dynamics that I cannot control and can’t seem to change.

I’ll spare you the details – in retrospect, it’s embarrassing that I lost it, and it’s embarrassing that I let that person get to me as much as they did. It was also a mistake to think that I could get anything done yesterday when they were around – they’re like a black hole that sucks in all the good energy around them, and it depresses the sh*t out of me.

Now I’m paying for it, because I’m still a bit “hung over” from the whole experience, and there is a chance that my whole weekend will be screwed if I don’t pull it together. I have some projects I need to make good progress on over the coming week, and it’s crunch-time. So, I have to stay clear and cool and plan wisely — and follow through well. I’m working on it. I’m really working on it.

I think I’m rebounding fairly well — I managed to end last night on a positive note, doing my 90-second clearing to deal with the biochemical sludge from the meltdown. It worked pretty well, too. When I become absolutely silent and quiet inside, and I let all the upheaval just settle like mud sinking to the bottom of the emotional “puddle”, I can actually get myself out of that meltdown head-space and everything chills and calms down. And I feel like myself again — because I am myself again, not just a bunch of biochemical reactions to the situation. I get myself back, when I settle — and that’s an important skill for me to practice and strengthen. Because these situations can come up at any time, and if I’m going to keep my head about me, and be myself instead of a reaction to someone or something outside of me.

So, yesterday didn’t go as planned — in just about any way that I had envisioned. The first part of the day went okay, but the second half was a wash. I was tired from working and also put-upon by this individual who felt the need to dump all their crap on me, and I let it get to me. Big-time. But then after I calmed down and just settled myself, the evening was okay. Except that then I ended up staying up till midnight and I got maybe six hours of sleep last night. That’s better than four or five, but it’s still not the seven or eight I was hoping and planning to get.

Oh, well. Time for Plan B. Do what I can while I can, and then take a nap later today. I have some work I need to do, this afternoon and evening, which is going to be pretty strenuous, and I need to keep an even keel. This is tough, because the thing is, I really don’t want to do this work. It’s eating into the limited time I have for myself, and it’s happening at the exact wrong time of the day for me — just at the time when I am at my most creative and productive. I need those four hours today to do my own thing, to work on my own project, but I’m stuck helping a friend with some event. And I’m getting pissed about it.

But as I was telling myself yesterday, getting pissed at someone else over what they are doing, is like drinking poison — and expecting someone else to die. Getting pissed is not going to make things better, and it’s not going to get me off the hook. It’s not going to relieve the pressure I’m feeling, and it’s not going to make the job any easier or make me any easier to live with, later today.

So, I have to have another way of looking at this – perhaps I can see it as an opportunity to get out of the house and get some exercise… I’ve been very sedentary lately, and I could use the exercise. So that’s one way to look at it.  It’s better than treating it like instance where this individual is — yet again — living beyond their means and coming up with ways to take advantage of me to live the dream. I have to find the parts of this that work in my favor, that benefit me, not just them. I need to do that for my own peace of mind. Because I can’t keep drinking that poison, expecting someone else to feel the burn.

So, Plan B — do what I can today, while I can, and then see what can be done later to make the most of the evening. I might just be looking for a change, ’round about 3 p.m. today — and frankly it won’t take more than a few hours, to get my part of the job done. Of course, I may be asked to help out later tonight, around 11 p.m. or so (I’m sort of expecting it), but if I can find a way to make the most of my time, this could work. I’ll figure out a way to make it work.

Sheesh — I’m feeling quite a bit of pressure. I’ve got a big deadline looming in less than two weeks, and I’m feeling quite on edge about it. I am also working like crazy, trying to wrap up a bunch of work items, so that I can leave in a few months with a clean plate and a clean slate. I have 11 weeks to go before I’m out of that place, and it’s feeling pretty good. I have about four weeks to go before I start sending out my resume to recruiters, looking for a contract to take me through the end of the year. And it’s all weighing on me a bit.

But when I think about why it’s weighing on me, I realize that a lot of the pressure is about my ego and my idea of what the ideal situation would be. There’s this “perfect condition” that’s taken up residence in my head that I think HAS to be. And if it isn’t, then everything will be “wrong”. I’ll be humiliated. I’ll be cut down. I’ll never have the bright, shining future that I long to have. Everything will be ruined.

At least, that’s the thing that is rattling ’round in my head. It’s all about Plan A, and only Plan A. Nothing else. Nothing more. It’s all-or-nothing, and it’s doing a number on me.

But that’s not true. Nothing is all-or-nothing. There are always gray areas that offer advantages and disadvantages, and my life consists of making choices for or against these different gray areas. When I am backed into a corner by circumstances beyond my control, I can usually figure a way out of the situation — and in fact, I have figured out some viable alternatives for some of my projects that give me some leeway and wiggle room.

For example, I have to prepare an online presentation that I need to upload for some folks. I was making myself sick with worry about not getting the presentation 100% ideally correct by the due-date, because there’s a lot riding on this, and the team I’m working with is depending on this presentation to be top-notch. The thing is, the project we’re working on has a lot of dependencies and variables and factors that are about as gray as gray can be. So, coming up with a presentation that’s 100% ideal may or may not be possible.  And depending on the audience’s reaction, some of the points we’re making may or may not get through to people.

I’ve been sweating this like crazy, thinking I had to get everything nailed down by the end of the day tomorrow (which is where this “helping” stuff throws a real wrench in my works). But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the presentation doesn’t have to be 100% by end of day tomorrow. It needs to be in great shape, around the middle/end of next week. And even after I finalize it by end of next week, I can always update it over the coming weeks,  and that will be fine. In fact, others who have done similar presentations for this audience have made frequent and major changes to their presentations, so when I update mine, it won’t be a surprise – not by a long shot.

In fact, it will be normal and expected.

So, in that respect, the pressure is very much off — sweet relief. The burden of this task is distributed across the next six weeks, not the next six hours — and that makes all the difference in the world. On top of that, if the next six weeks don’t get us the same feedback we’re looking for, there are other ways we can reach out to people and make things happen. This Big Plan A is only one part of the whole realm of possibilities. And in fact, Plan B (or C or D or whatever) might actually turn out to be a better approach, over the long term. Further, this project in particular is probably going to involve elements of all the different Plans, in different combinations, and that takes the pressure off as well.

So, it’s time to get out of my literal, rigid head… give myself a break… and allow for Plan B. Most of all, I need to remember that there are different viable scenarios that will be perfectly fine as alternatives, and I always have them to fall back on. If Plan A doesn’t work out, it really isn’t a big deal (other than for my ego). I do hope it does work, but there are plenty of other alternative paths to choose from. In fact, I could take the approach that there is no one single ideal plan — they all have their advantages and disadvantages — so whatever happens will be fine and good and will work out.

I just can’t get myself so tweaked over all of it and make myself nuts as a result. Just gotta go with it, and see where that all takes me — hang loose, and let things develop as they will. This is incredibly difficult for me, but it’s a skill I need to practice and acquire.

Anyway, speaking of plans for the day, I’ve got to get going and start making all this happen. Get organized, get all the pieces together that I need to move forward, pace myself, and do regular check-ins to make sure that I’m on track. I’ve been looking forward to and planning for this weekend for a long time — and next weekend, too. It’s all good, and it’s pretty exciting.


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