I got to bed at a decent time last night — 10:30 p.m., versus 12:30 a.m. Then I woke up at 3:30 a.m. and almost couldn’t get back to sleep. I lay there for a few minutes, then decided to sit up and do my breathing exercises, which have helped me get back to sleep in the past. It did help me this time, too. After about half an hour, I got back to sleep and was down until 7, when my alarm went off. So, I got at least 7 hours of sleep last night. I can’t be 100% positive, but I’m pretty sure.
The interesting thing is that the more sleep I get, the more groggy I feel these days. It’s like I’m not stressed out enough to be alert. And that sucks.
So, I’m doing something about it. I had a pretty intense talk with my neuropsych yesterday, when I told them about a bunch of things that have been giving me trouble that I haven’t brought up before. The lurking, constant sense that something is going to go wrong, that I’m going to screw up, that I’m going to mis-speak and alienate people… that I’m going to keep talking trash and running my mouth and get myself in trouble… It all lurks in the back of my mind, and it keeps me from really engaging fully in conversations and interactions with people. It keeps me from really engaging fully with my NP, because I’ve said things to them that have come out wrong, and I couldn’t back up and correct it — too slow to realize, then really felt like crap and was too busy being dismayed at what I’d said, to correct it.
It’s been hanging over my head – that happened over a year (maybe two years) ago with my NP, and it’s had a dampening effect ever since then. They don’t seem to realize how much it holds me back, and I definitely need to raise it as an issue and bring their attention to it. Because I’m telling you, I’m really, really good at covering things up, so how would they know?
I really don’t think they appreciate the extent to which this hobbles me. It also holds me back, in that I actively seek out situations and people that are hard on me — or when others are really tough on me, abusive even, I don’t stand up for myself and correct things. This has been an ongoing problem with my spouse for years — they can get pretty rough at times, and they can be very volatile and verbally aggressive. But I generally don’t say anything, because frankly having them yell at me keeps me sharp and it keeps me on my toes.
But it gets a little old after a while.
Likewise, when people at work are really hard on me, or they’re piling up more on me than I can reasonably take on (as they’ve been doing for the past 18 months), I don’t say a word. I welcome it, even. Because the added stress keeps me on my toes, and the added workload — even if it does exhaust me (maybe because it exhausts me) — sharpens my focus and blocks everything else out.
Like getting good sleep. Somehow, I don’t actually think I need to sleep, when I get in a hyper-stressed state.
But that all takes a toll. Big-time. Eventually things start to break down. I start to break down. And looking back on my employment history, I can see many, many occasions where I’ve skipped out of a job when I was completely maxed out and couldn’t continue. When I was so stressed and fried, I couldn’t think straight anymore. I had to get out. I had to start fresh. Because I was starting to make mistakes that came from the extended stress, and I cannot stand performing well and/or at less than my full capacity. I just hate it. So I’ve always moved on.
Now, however, I’m so maxed out and fried, that even if I did want to make a move, I would be incapable of making a decent choice. I’m seriously overloaded, and I’m stuck in reaction-gear, with reactivity running my days, rather than pro-activity. I’m just beat. And that’s not good. It has implications for my daily life. And it has implications for my future. The insights I got a few months back about the direction I want to go in for my career have stalled, and I’ve gotten pulled off in a dozen different directions that distract me from my ultimate goal — a goal that makes sense and serves my future. The stress of my present situation (which I thrived on for the first 9 months or so) is coming around to bite me in the ass in a very big way. And if I can’t turn this around, I’m going to continue to make the kinds of choices that put me in “professional harm’s way” time and time again. It’s just not good.
So, the first order is to get more sleep. I realized in a very immediate way, early this morning, that with my breathing and progressive relaxation, I can actually spend my time awake (if I do wake up too early) feeling well and relaxed, as well as doing body scans that help teach me how to gauge my stress levels — which can help when I am in dangerous situations. I don’t have to feel stressed and sick to my stomach, the way I did at 3:30 a.m. When I sit up and do my measured breathing, as well as do some relaxation, I actually feel physically better, and that helps me to relax further. And when I do my progressive relaxation and body scans (I tend to forget how tense my back and shoulders get), it helps me manage my stress all the better.
I have techniques I can use. And I have skills. I mustn’t forget that. I need to develop the kinds of habits — such as doing these exercises when I wake up too early, so I can get back to sleep — that will translate into a solid foundation of progress… and ultimately help me get to a place where I’m making decisions about people I’m around and work that I do for a living, because of the good they’re going to do me, not the attention-spiking threats they present to me.
So, I have work to do. But ironically, that work is about easing up… loosening up. It’s like with my shoulder. I’ve been lifting a lot, over the past couple of months, and I haven’t been stretching enough. And now my right shoulder (which was my throwing shoulder when I was in track in high school) is giving me trouble. I’m taking a few days off the weights to stretch and let it rest. And then when I get back into it, I need to be easy and remember to get plenty of rest then, too. It’s all a balance, but for some reason, balance feels like it’s “off” — probably because there’s not all this stress involved in it.
It’s not “off” — it’s just unfamiliar. Coming up with new habits that make this more familiar and help me to relax and just “be”… that’s the next step for me. Well, steps. ‘Cause I’m not sure that’s ever going to end. It’s a process. Heck, it’s life.
But enough writing. Time to live a little.