I got some of what I intended done, yesterday. But I spent a lot more time being distracted and letting my mind wander in all sorts of different directions.
A lot of remote managers at work are in town, this week. And the recruiter who placed me in my current position stopped by my cubicle yesterday. They haven’t done that in close to a year. What the heck are they doing in my part of the universe?
I could be wrong, but it seems to portend yet more changes on the organizational horizon.
And that is most distracting to me.
HowEver (and this is a big new development for me), I actually know what direction I want to go with my career in the future, and the path is open for me, anytime I want it. I’ve got a veritable army of recruiters all eager to place me somewhere and get me into a good-paying position. The more I get paid, the more they get paid.
So, it’s no big deal, if I get laid off.
But it is a big deal, if I’m not prepared — and that’s something I forgot to do, yesterday. Last week, I found a bunch of free training at our company’s employee intranet, that will really help me gear up for the next steps in my career. It will help me get free and be fully qualified to do the kind of work I am aiming to do. And I did some of the training on Friday afternoon. But yesterday I was so distracted by so many different things, I forgot to resume it — that is, I forgot why I should resume it. I didn’t have good focus, and I was pretty scattered, trying to organize myself and get my planning and follow-through system in place.
I worked at it all morning, and by afternoon, I was tired, but I pressed on. And I actually “got lost” in the process — ended up spending way too much time re-hashing numbers and calculations and scheduling items, that I would be better off just putting aside and coming back to, later.
Plus, I didn’t get my swim, yesterday. My last meeting ended early, and I could have gotten to the pool in time. But I got distracted and by the time I got around to driving to the fitness center, the parking lot was full, and I realized it was way too late to be swimming.
So, I turned around and drove back and finished up the day on a pretty strong note.
Still, I didn’t accomplish all I set out to do. And I need to have a better system for handling things. I get so caught up in things, I lose track of time… and then I get tired and get even more distractable.
So, I need to break down my activities in to smaller “chunks” that I can handle more effectively… and not get lost.
This is especially important for this new training I’m doing. I’m really excited about it, as it offers me a clear path forward — and the methodology they use is not only widespread, it’s also really, really good for me. It “ticks all the boxes” for me in my work, and it’s a skillset that’s very much in demand, so there’s no lack of work.
So, it’s important that I follow through. And that I not forget to keep going with it. I really went off the rails yesterday. Then again, I did get some important things done, so it wasn’t a total waste.
I woke up at 5 a.m. again today. It was not because of an alarm, and it was not because I jolted awake on adrenaline that won’t quit. I just woke up. Because I was done resting.
I lay in bed thinking for a while, then I talked to my spouse who was also up at the same time, and we sorted some things out that they’ve been mentally wrangling with for some days, now. Then I had my exercise — just a little, not too much that messes up my head — and I made my breakfast at the same time. Making coffee fits in well with me riding the exercise bike, and frying an egg fits in well with my leg exercises. I didn’t do any lifting today, because I’m a little sore from yesterday, and the point was really just to move, not to overdo it. I may go to the gym later today. I have my gym bag in the car, so I can do that. It’s been a while since I got on the machines, and I actually miss it.
So, I’m going to go ahead and spend a little bit of time in the gym at work.
So, I woke up early and got up early, too. I’ve been waking up around 5 a.m., ever since I got back from my last trip. Having only a couple of weeks between international trips makes it hard to get back to a regular schedule I also feel like I need to shift my sleeping schedule up a bit, anyway, because I was getting too lax before… too lazy, too in love with a leisure that I cannot afford to indulge. I was getting to bed too late and getting up too late, too.
In the past, I was also pretty depressed about my job situation, to be honest. It just dragged me down terribly and now that I think about it, as valiant as I tried to be to keep on keepin’ on, it was a total friggin’ drag. Small wonder I didn’t want to leap out of bed in the morning. I was reporting to a nincompoop… who was following on the heals of a jerk… who was following on the heels of a real d*uchebag. I haven’t had many decent bosses at all, in the past almost-4 years at this company, but now at least there’s a (relatively) competent person at the helm of my group. It would be an understatement to say I’m glad that the organization has changed and I am no longer stuck in that old situation, reporting to those old bosses.
At the same time, I’m also really glad that I have this new situation. It’s more than being glad I’m out of that old situation. I’m really happy to be in new circumstances. It’s a relief, to not have to fend off idiots all the livelong day. And better yet, it’s positioning me well to move into a different and better line of work than I’ve been in for almost 20 years — a line of work that can translate across a number of different industries and disciplines — not only technology.
That new direction is project management. I’ve talked about this before as something I wanted to move towards, but there was something that always held me back. Project management is actually something I’ve been doing for years now. However, because I’ve always had a hands-on role in the projects I’ve been involved in, and I’ve always had to report to some d-bag who tried to undercut me because I threatened them, I was never considered (or permitted to be) a 100% project manager — just a coordinator or a producer or a “lead”.
That’s changing, now, as I move forward. And I can detect a distinct change in the way I’m relating to my work and going about my business. I’m thinking bigger picture — because I can. I’m not being blocked anymore. I’m a lot less hands-on than I’ve been in the past. And I’m a lot better able to step back and just let others take over doing the hands-on work.
This is a big change for me. For so many years, I was deeply invested in being THE ONE who did the work. Ihad to be the one who took care of things. I had to be the one who got everything squared away. I didn’t trust anyone else to do the job, because I didn’t believe they could do it as well as I could.
And back in the day, that was accurate. I could do my job better than anyone else, and it was extremely painful to see people struggling through, trying to get things done, which I could take care of far better, in a fraction of the time. It took forever. They didn’t know how to do things properly – they still had to learn. And my anxiety was out of control, to the point where I couldn’t even begin to step back and let someone else handle things — because they would do it wrong, and that was unacceptable.
Now things are very different. First off, because of my learning and reading and comprehension and memory issues, I can’t retain and process information nearly as fast and as capably as in the past. This has been an incredibly difficult thing to take. Not being able to read and retain what I read… not being able to think fast on my feet and adapt instantly to changing conditions… not being able to adjust and switch gears… it’s really been a hard pill for me to swallow. But that’s how I’ve become. And while the past 10 years have seen improvements with me, I am nowhere near as capable of picking things up quickly and adapting to ever-changing conditions, the way I was before.
I have fought and struggled against this for years, but in the past year, I seem to have finally given up on the idea that I can ever get back to my old level. That’s just gone. All the attempts at keeping up, at getting my abilities back up to snuff… well shit. That capability is just not there anymore. I’ve got to move on. I see that now.
The thing is, moving on is the best thing I can do under the circumstances. Because frankly, it gives me the opportunity to effect change at a much higher level than I’ve been able to, before. Changing my career direction makes it possible for me to actually stop things from being chaotic and frenetic and stupidly “dynamic” for no other reason than the thrill of the chase. Being in a project management position allows me to change the culture at a fundamental level and create the kind of environment that I know is productive and helpful for everyone — and that supports positive change, instead of driving everyone ahead like mad little animals being herded into a truck and shipped off to God-knows-where.
I’ve chafed against conditions of confusion and frustration and ambiguity for years. And now I get to change that — for the better. I may not solve every single problem, but I can at least make a dent.
I’ve also been given a really huge task to take on at work – and it seems well nigh impossible. So, I have to let go of my need for control. It’s impossible for me to control alone. It is simply too big for me to make happen all by myself, and I have to step back and let others handle things. It’s not optional. First, I don’t have the time to follow every single detail of every person’s activities. Second, I don’t really want to. And third, it lets me focus on the bigger picture and providing leadership to folks who are struggling to find their way.
A coworker of mine is trying to manage everything personally, with a hand in every single thing that happens, and it’s driving them crazy. It’s making them ill. It’s painful to watch, and I am learning a lot from their mistakes.
I just don’t have the time and the energy for that level of involvement. I need to find another way. So, that’s what I’m doing.
And it’s funny — all of a sudden, I want to get up in the morning. I want to wake up. I want to move into the day. I want to turn my life around.
Because on the one hand, I finally have a job that is a real intellectual challenge for me — it’s stimulating and invigorating and frustrating and confounding, and it’s just the sort of impossible mess I specialize in handling and setting to rights.
On the other hand, I can’t wait to get the hell out of there and get my life back. I can’t want to find a job doing project management that’s within 15 miles of my home, which doesn’t kill me with the commute, and leaves me time in my day to do the things I love to do — write and read and relax. I’ve had precious little of that, ever since my job moved 20 minutes east, into the thick of the worst commuter traffic in the region.
I also look forward to finding another job which alltakes place here in the United States. I do like my international colleagues, and we get along pretty well. However, traveling overseas on a regular basis is, well, hell. It destroys the quality of life I have worked so hard to create, and the fatigue and logistics are serious issues with my mental and physical health. It’s taking a toll, and I need to stop it.
Plus, the people I work with stateside are unprofessional pains in the ass. Seriously, I haven’t heard this much bitching and complaining since high school.
Of these three issues, the last is probably the least likely to go away. People will be people, and no matter what the circumstances, they’ll tend to act like adolescents. But the first two, I can control, and there is hope for me there.
So, that’s my plan. And I’m sticking to it. Do my job to the best of my ability, make my internal “customers” happy and discharge my duties with professionalism and capability… and prepare my exit strategy. It makes no sense for me to continue like this indefinitely. I’m not getting any younger, and I’ve got better things to do with my time than sit in my car, wrangling with traffic. I can think of a number of better uses of my time, energy, and money, than commuting.
So, that’s where I’m going to put my energy. Just take care of what I need to take care of, and set myself up to move on with all due haste.
It’s a plan.
And it has me getting out of bed in the morning. Because I want to. Because after so many false starts, now I can truly see the end of the road ahead of me. There’s only another 8-10 months I have to do this, and things are so insane and so fast-paced, I’m sure the time is going to just fly by. I figure it’s going to take about that long to get my current situation squared away sufficiently to show results, fill out my resume, and position myself well for my next steps. I just need to study up on what I’m doing and figure out the best way to do it. I need to get clear on my abilities and interests, and just move forward with them, all the while keeping things moving along in my neck of the woods. I’ll focus on acquiring the skills and experience I need to transition into my next position, and not worry about how things are right now.
They’re going to change. It’s my job to change them. So, I’m going to do exactly that.
I had carefully made up a list of all the things I needed to get done — I’m on deadline at work, and it’s vital that I get the things done that I started, and that I do them on time. But I never checked my list until about 3:30 p.m., and then it was too late to do a lot of it.
I was just exhausted from the weekend — lots of activity and staying out too late. It was fun at the time, but it took its toll. And the people I’m working with are not pleased.
I’ve just got to let it go. I can’t start out today feeling bad about yesterday. It’s a new day. And I also have to remember that I’m not the only one in my group who’s struggling with work, right now. We all are, pretty much. We’re a challenged bunch of people with divided attention, conflicting interests, and way too much going on in our lives, overall. We’re also getting used to working together in new ways. There’s old bad blood that keeps people stuck, and there’s new opportunity to move forward. Main thing is, keep moving forward. But yesterday that didn’t happen nearly as much or as well as it should have.
I have to do something about this. I have to get out in front of my tasks. I know better than to do this. But the part of me that was playing all weekend wanted to keep playing, so I ended up messing up some stuff — and feeling badly about it.
More than anything, what takes the biggest toll is the emotional stuff. Feeling badly about myself. Feeling badly about how I’m doing. Feeling incapable and incompetent. And then, even if I’m doing okay by most people’s standards, my performance is thrown off even more. Because I’m feeling badly about myself and my abilities.
But it’s a waste of time to feel badly. My brain is just different now, than it was before my fall in 2004. It just has different needs and inclinations, which I have to factor in and accommodate/adjust to, if I’m going to have the level of ability that I desire. If I’m going to accomplish what I set out to, I need to use my tools — my planner, my notebook, my to-do list.
And I need to have just enough things on my list to keep me moving, without overwhelming me.
The thing about lists, though, is that I have to keep all the items I have on my plate (short- and long-term) in front of me in some way. I have to keep all my priority items in plain view, or I just forget about them. Other people look at my list, and they get all freaked out. They tell me “It’s too much!” But for me, it works. I don’t mind all that stuff in front of me. I’d rather have it there, than forget about it — which is what I’ve done in the past … only to remember that I’d forgotten things I seriously needed to remember.
Until I find a way to remember everything — or hire a secretary/executive assistant to do the remembering for me — the stuff I need to do eventually is going to stay on the list.
But back to yesterday. What did I do which didn’t work, that I can do differently today?
I didn’t check my list, first thing in the a.m. — I’ve checked my list for today already, so I’m good with that.
I got down on myself for falling behind — I’m not going to do that today… get down on myself. I’m going to try the best I can, and leave the rest to fate.
I thought the whole problem was me — I know I’m not the only one having issues. It’s just that the other folks I work with are really good at covering up their shortcomings and problems, and so of course (since I’m very open about the areas where I am lagging), I end up looking like the one who’s bringing everyone down. Matter of fact, I’m not — in fact, one of the reasons I’m behind on my tasks is that the folks I’m working with made a total friggin’ mess of it before, and nobody bothered to sort it out, till I came along and said, “This will never do!”
I didn’t take time to plan my day and catch myself up — Today I am taking the train to work, so I can read and prepare.
I let myself lollygag around in the afternoon, when I was tired –– Today, I need to pace myself and do at least something in the p.m, when I hit my low point (as I always do). If I plan for my lull, and I do something like walk around the office or take a break away from my desk when I’m tapering off, I may have better luck. There is a common work area I can go to that’s far away from my desk — I’ll try going there today and see if the change of scenery helps.
These are just a few of the things I can do differently today. I already feel better.