I used to love to go to the beach, but in the past few years, I’ve come to dread it. Whereas I used to just race across the sand and dive into the water, I now become highly agitated and cannot relax. I don’t feel comfortable doing anything with abandon. And I dread walking near other people, attracting their attention, or playing in the water in public.
If the beach is empty, it’s one thing. But when the weather is beautiful, chances are, I’m going to be surrounded by people, which I no longer tolerate well. I get very uptight when there are a lot of people around. The conversation and noise distract me and I can’t relax, having to constantly filter out the sounds of other people’s conversations and music and arguments and barking dogs and… whatever. I also worry about being approached by people and not knowing how to handle myself — saying the wrong thing, doing something stupid, interacting with their dog(s) in the wrong way. I worry about looking the wrong way and having people think I’m angry or aggressive or hostile.
I’ve become deeply self-conscious about my appearance. I feel like I’m too pale or too lean or too lanky or too flabby or too… something that other people will notice unfavorably. I sometimes actually forget how I look, and I can end up walking around with bits of clothing or underwear or hanging out, haing my buttons being unevenly buttoned, or looking otherwise disheveled. And I won’t find out till it’s too late. I worry that this will happen to me on the beach. I worry that I’ll meet and talk with someone and I’ll make a fool of myself, and then I’ll see them in town later on, and I’ll be embarrassed by my behavior or my looks. It’s easier to just keep away from people, period.
I’m also nervous about going in the water — it’s very challenging for me. Whereas once, I used to just dive in and splash around, now I have to really focus and concentrate on the movement of the waves. Putting my head under water scares me, and I need to force myself to do it. Once I do, I feel better, and I can relax a little bit, but just getting my head under the water is a struggle at times.
The open space of a beach makes me nervous, as I don’t feel like I can manage my surroundings. I dread being out in the open, and I prefer to be in an enclosed area, where I know where I can hide or duck out of sight.
I feel much better when I can find a “sun trap” to hide away in. It gives me a break from the social anxiety of not knowing how I’ll (re)act/interact around other people, when I get too stressed. If I’m out in the open long enough, eventually I do get very stressed. And I either shut down or I melt down. Neither one is very pleasant for people with me.
It’s embarrassing and mortifying and I hate that I can’t deal with something as simple as going to the beach, as a 40-something grown individual who has always loved the ocean, the beach, and the feel of sand between my toes at sunset.
I fucking hate it.
Broken Brain - Brilliant Mind 