Trial and error – the best way I know to figure it out

I didn't swim, but I did have a good walk.
I didn’t swim, but I did have a good walk.

Things have not been turning out the way I expected or planned, lately. Sometimes it’s been disappointing. But I’ve been making the best of things.

I bought some flowers the other night for my spouse.

Turns out they’re allergic to them.

Those flowers are now upstairs in my study, on the desk beside me.

I went out and bought a fresh bunch last night — ones I know they’re not allergic to.

Those flowers are downstairs on the entertainment center. They’re beautiful and they actually look better than the first bunch I got.

So, that’s nice.

I thought I was going to go to the beach at a local lake, a few days ago. I used to swim in that lake regularly, and I’ve been missing it. I took the day off work when the weather was perfect. I had everything planned. I’d swim, and then I’d sit in the sun and dry off and read a book I brought with me.

But when I got there, there were signs telling me I could not swim because of bacteria levels. It’s been dry here. The lake was low — scary low — and I didn’t want to take a chance.

Instead of swimming, I walked around the lake, found a sunny spot, and sat in the sun reading.

And it was nice.

Even if I didn’t swim.

Today, I’m considering telling my boss I want to be considered for a different position. One of the members of my team is leaving, and it would be a great opportunity for me to step into. I’m weighing the pros and cons, thinking about what I’d gain, and what I’d lose. In my current position, I have plenty of freedom and autonomy. I can pretty much do as I please, so long as I show results.

I’m concerned that the other position will have more responsibility, more limitations, more interactions with people I don’t care to interact with. There’s definitely more stress.

I don’t know if it’s worth it.

But I’ll never find out, if I don’t give it a shot.

Trial and error. Maybe I’ll just go for it, and see what happens.

Maybe.

 

 

 

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Finding balance – work and rest

Sometimes this is how it feels - like I'm a snail on a rock. But at least I'm balancing.
Sometimes this is how it feels – like I’m a snail on a rock. But at least I’m balancing.

In a few months, I’ll have been at my current job for a year. That’s very interesting. The merger with the other company is happening, and may take place before summer is over. But nobody knows for sure. There’s all kinds of activity going on around it. New email addresses, new business cards, new laptops, and who knows what else.

Management keeps trying to set our fears to rest, and they keep asking us to ask questions, but it feels like a trap — like they’re trying to see who’s “on board” and who’s digging in their heels. I’m not sure anybody trusts anything coming out of management, by this point. They’re getting rich, while everyone else… well… not so much.

I can’t really worry about it, though. I have to keep focused on my work, which is actually pretty challenging these days. The work, yes, it’s challenging — but even moreso is the focus.

The cadence at this company is very different from the startup-like frenzies I’ve experienced elsewhere. It’s much more staid… steady… and they don’t expect you to do earth-shaking things in the first year… or two… or more. They think you need at least a few years to ramp up, so expectations are low. But at the same time, I still need to move forward. I still need to take steps. I still need to do what I need to do for my own career, to move it forward.

I’ve kind of lost sight of that, in the past couple of months. The big business trip at the beginning of this month completely took over my life for 4-6 weeks prior to it, and I’ve been slowly … sloooooowwwwwllllyyyyy… recovering from that adventure. It’s taking much longer than I expected, and it’s tough to get back in the swing of things.

But get back in the swing, I must. I’ve re-ordered a supplement I found that actually helps my energy, and helps me sleep. And I’ve started swimming regularly, again. I had gotten away from it for months, for some reason. Just winter/early spring inertia, I guess. Now I’m swimming every chance I get — 3 days a week, ideally, sometimes more. And I’m going to start working out before my swims, as well. That’s so important. I need a better strength regimen than I’ve been doing in the mornings.

Mornings, I need to work on my cardio and balance — wake myself up, and get my balance together. I’ve got some exercises from the trainer at work that I can do, so I need to print them out and DO them. I keep forgetting to print them out.

Anyway, I’m figuring it out – and figuring out how I can balance out my work-work-work nature with the slower cadence at my job. They don’t actually expect miracles, first thing, and while that’s good in a way, it’s not how I work. I prefer to do miracles whenever possible, and not be held back by people who are telling me it’s not possible. It IS possible. Maybe not for them, but for me.

It’s all an evolving process, really. I want to go-go-go, but I know I run the risk of burning myself out, if I do. And then I’m not good for anything. I want to make progress, every single week, but then it doesn’t happen. And then I get down on myself. I’m tired of getting down on myself. I need to do better tracking of what I actually accomplish. I’ve been doing a better job of that, over the past couple of months, so that’s good. Now I need to work it into my routine.

I need my routine.

And so I’ll work with that. See what I can do. Take steps to both simplify and improve the systems I have. And keep on keepin’ on.

Onward!

Maybe I have a few months, maybe a year, maybe longer

france_roadSo, all the talk is heating up at work about the changes coming down the pike with the merger. A lot of people are pretty upset, because they see the writing on the wall — writing which may or may not be there, actually.

People will do just about anything to predict the future. It’s one of the most human things you can do.

And that’s precisely what gets us in trouble — concocting a future that never actually had a chance to exist, but we somehow think must absolutely come to be.

Anyway, the way I see it, I have a handful of different prospects:

  1. I get laid off in the next few months, to free up $$$ they need elsewhere.
  2. I am kept on, and I spend the next 12-18 months doing my job, seeing how things go. Then, I look for another job in another year or so. Supposedly, all our salary and benefits stuff is supposed to stay in place throughout 2016, but we’ll see about that. If that is the case, there’s no reason for me to leave, because the benefits are good, and the salary is decent.
  3. I stay on indefinitely and take things as they come, settling into the new organization and making my way as best I can.

Frankly, any of the above could happen, and it would be fine. I just can’t live my life with things hanging over my head. I have other interests, other things to keep me occupied and engaged. Whatever the people in charge will do, they’ll do. Whatever I choose to do, I’ll do.

If the two are mutually beneficial, then great. But I’m not making this into the be-all-to-end-all of my life. The whole “career” thing is old, anyway. I just need a paycheck, so I can fund the life I want, and I can live my life to the fullest.

La la.

It’s turning out to be an amazingly beautiful day, today.  We had some stormy weather, over the past few days that chilled me to the bone, but now I see blue sky out my window. I’m not sure how hot or cold it is outside, but I’ll find out when I go out.

I’ve been feeling pretty bad, for the last three days, but I feel like I’m turning a corner. My sinuses are still stuffed up, but I’m not sneezing and hacking, and my throat isn’t burning anymore. I just have to make sure I wipe my nose frequently. And I’ve got tissues with lotion in them to keep me from looking like Charlie Chaplin with a red, raw moustache. I read for a while, as I was riding my exercise bike, and I got a lot of movement in, which is good. I’m stretching more, and it’s helping my hip, and I’m also doing more stairs at work, which gets the blood pumping and helps me forget I’m stuck in a veal pen all day at work. The stairwell is usually empty, and the echo of my footsteps as I walk up and down the three steep flights is a cadence that keeps me moving, even though I’m out of breath.

When I started there, I had to stop, halfway up the flights, to catch my breath. I refuse to take the elevator, unless I’m loaded down with boxes. There are steps right there, which ascend beside the elevator, and when I’m moving at a decent clip, I can actually beat the elevator to the third floor. It’s good exercise, and I can do it anytime.  Since I’m fighting off an infection, I can’t go swimming, so I might as well do the stairs — as well as ride the bike in the morning, and lift some light weights.

Today, I did without the weights. I’m still a little sore from yesterday, and my body still aches a bit. I can get back to it tomorrow.

So, this is my daily work — keeping my body and mind in good working order, to handle whatever comes down the pike. My goals is to both say and believe, “Whatever happens, it’s all good,” because I will make it that way.

Onward.

Wiped out and feeling great

Got home from work at a decent hour tonight – and that was after working out for half an hour and then going for a swim… in the company pool.

Yes, that’s right. They have a pool. Olympic sized with 5 or 6 lanes, and just the right temperature. And clean. Very, very clean.

I cannot tell you how good it felt to get in the water again.

Phenomenal.

Now I’m completely done. Happy – done. Very happy – done.

 

Lost to TBI: Enjoying Going to the Beach

I used to love to go to the beach, but in the past few years, I’ve come to dread it. Whereas I used to just race across the sand and dive into the water, I now become highly agitated and cannot relax. I don’t feel comfortable doing anything with abandon. And I dread walking near other people, attracting their attention, or playing in the water in public.

If the beach is empty, it’s one thing. But when the weather is beautiful, chances are, I’m going to be surrounded by people, which I no longer tolerate well. I get very uptight when there are a lot of people around. The conversation and noise distract me and I can’t relax, having to constantly filter out the sounds of other people’s conversations and music and arguments and barking dogs and… whatever. I also worry about being approached by people and not knowing how to handle myself — saying the wrong thing, doing something stupid, interacting with their dog(s) in the wrong way. I worry about looking the wrong way and having people think I’m angry or aggressive or hostile.

I’ve become deeply self-conscious about my appearance. I feel like I’m too pale or too lean or too lanky or too flabby or too… something that other people will notice unfavorably. I sometimes actually forget how I look, and I can end up walking around with bits of clothing or underwear or hanging out, haing my buttons being unevenly buttoned, or looking otherwise disheveled. And I won’t find out till it’s too late. I worry that this will happen to me on the beach. I worry that I’ll meet and talk with someone and I’ll make a fool of myself, and then I’ll see them in town later on, and I’ll be embarrassed by my behavior or my looks. It’s easier to just keep away from people, period.

I’m also nervous about going in the water — it’s very challenging for me. Whereas once, I used to just dive in and splash around, now I have to really focus and concentrate on the movement of the waves. Putting my head under water scares me, and I need to force myself to do it. Once I do, I feel better, and I can relax a little bit, but just getting my head under the water is a struggle at times.

The open space of a beach makes me nervous, as I don’t feel like I can manage my surroundings. I dread being out in the open, and I prefer to be in an enclosed area, where I know where I can hide or duck out of sight.

I feel much better when I can find a “sun trap” to hide away in. It gives me a break from the social anxiety of not knowing how I’ll (re)act/interact around other people, when I get too stressed. If I’m out in the open long enough, eventually I do get very stressed. And I either shut down or I melt down. Neither one is very pleasant for people with me.

It’s embarrassing and mortifying and I hate that I can’t deal with something as simple as going to the beach, as a 40-something grown individual who has always loved the ocean, the beach, and the feel of sand between my toes at sunset.

I fucking hate it.