It’s easy to get overwhelmed…

I’ve been roaming around online for a while, now, and I keep coming across more and more information about TBI, especially as it relates to returning Iraq Operation veterans. There’s a lot of vocal support for folks who came back from Iraq either in this present operation, or the one “way back when”.

The stories are heart-breaking and infuriating… as are other tales of TBI struggles (having to do with car accidents, falls, etc.)

But I’m finding that I can’t really devote a whole lot of time to other people’s stories, or I just get overwhelmed. I think that may be why there’s not a lot of consistent and persistent information from personal accounts online… people just get overwhelmed and literally have to stop all the connecting and research and what-not. Whether you’re a TBI survivor, or you’re a supporter, all that drama and emotion just gets to be too much.

Which is why I’m sticking as close to factual information as possible. The emotional toll that a TBI can take is tremendous, and those of us surviving often don’t have the resources to handle it all really effectively. I prefer to keep my emotional processing in the counseling sessions I attend regularly. I’m just not equipped to be really constructive with others in regards to that aspect of my life. And anyway, my faculties are sufficiently scrambled to keep me from knowing whether or not I’m truly being constructive.

So, I’ll stick with what facts I can… And hope that I’m not getting them turned around.

The fact is: TBI is a traumatic event and condition (hence the name “traumatic brain injury”). It changes you permanently, often in mysterious ways.

The fact is: TBI is survivable. I wouldn’t be as well-off as I am today, if that weren’t true. You can go through hell and back and come out better than before, in some ways. In other ways, you may never “recover,” but those ways are often replaceable or weren’t very healthy to begin with. It takes time, but the mysteries of TBI reveal much about ourselves that we would never otherwise discover. And that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

TBI forced me to fend for myself. To provide for myself. To communicate with myself. To advocate for myself. TBI forced me to look deep within and find resources I never would have bothered to find, if I’d been able to look to others to meet my needs. TBI turned me into the person I am today, and my dear friends and family members are fine with me, just as I am. It took me from the ordinary to the extra-ordinary. And that can’t be a bad thing.

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TBI Symptoms “Laundry List”

Here’s a list of TBI symptoms I came across at Headinjury.com (http://www.headinjury.com/checktbi.htm). I’m in the process of running down through the list and identifying specifics about each of them as they pertain to me — and have, for many years. It’s pretty daunting, at first, but ultimately it’s good to have a detailed list of what the issues are, so you can directly address them as effectively as possible.

Persistent Intellectual Impairments

  • Memory problems

  • Difficulty concentrating

  • Attention Difficulties

  • Easily Distracted

  • Misplacing or difficulty tracking things

  • Difficulty making decisions

  • Difficulty solving problems

  • Difficulty understanding spoken instructions

  • Difficulty understanding written instructions

  • Difficulty finding words

  • Difficulty communicating thoughts / feelings

  • Unintentionally repeating the same remarks

  • Unintentionally repeating same activities

  • Stuttering or stammering

  • Difficulties doing simple math

  • Impaired abstraction or literalness

  • Mental rigidity

  • Deficits in processing information

  • Deficits in sequencing information

  • Difficulty executing or doing things

  • Difficulty starting or initiating things

  • Difficulty handling work requirements

  • Difficulty handling school requirements

  • Having to check and re-check what you do

  • Disoriented by slight changes in daily routine

  • Unsure about things that you know well

  • Difficulty learning new things

  • Doing things slowly to insure correctness

  • Decreased capacity for reality testing

  • Impaired ability to appreciate details

  • Impaired ability to benefit from experience

  • Inappropriate responses to people & things

  • Difficulty taking care of your self

  • Difficulty taking care of children

 

Psychological Consequences

  • Impaired sense of self

  • Fear of loss of control

  • Easily agitated or irritated

  • Easily startled

  • Feelings of paranoia

  • Spells of terror or panic

  • Feelings of depression

  • Feelings of shame or guilt

  • Persistent anxiety

  • Anxiousness or feelings of fear and dread

  • Feelings of discouragement

  • Withdrawal or social isolation

  • Feeling others not appreciating your difficulties

  • Feeling everything is an effort

  • Feeling inept or worthless

  • Laughing or crying without apparent cause

  • Worrisome thoughts won’t leave your mind

  • Making up explanations for things

  • Insensitive to others and social context

  • Diminished insight

 

Persistent Mood Disorders

  • Mood swings

  • Having urges to beat, injure or harm someone

  • Shouting or throwing things

  • Temper outbursts that you could not control

 

Persistent Physiological Impairments

  • Heart pounding or racing

  • Rapid pulse

  • Headaches or head pains

  • Increased blood pressure

  • Increased sensitivity to touch

  • Ringing in ears

  • Easily fatigued

  • Numbness or tingling in parts of your body

  • Weakness or loss of strength

  • Feeling tense or keyed up

  • Restlessness, unable to sit still

  • Lessened ability to perform physically

  • Decreased tolerance for alcohol and drugs

  • Appetite disturbances

  • Trouble falling asleep

  • Awakening during the night

  • Sleep that is restless or disturbed

 

Persistent Personality Alterations

  • Passivity, or submissiveness

  • Aggressiveness

  • Apathy, lack of interest or emotion

  • Overly sensitive

  • Discouragement or demoralization

  • Increased emotional distress

  • Chronic frustration

  • Grandiosity or boastfulness

  • Excessively talkative

  • Compulsive writing

  • Egocentricity

  • Childishness

  • Silliness

  • Overly responsible

  • Irresponsibility

  • Impulsively

  • Self-indulgent

  • Indiscreet comments and acts

  • Obscene comments or acts

  • Increased sexual activity

  • Decreased sexual activity

  • Increased shame or guilt

  • Religiosity

 

Persistent Neurological Problems

  • Sense of observing your self from afar

  • Altered consciousness

  • Slowed reaction time

  • Smelling odors that others do not smell

  • Hearing music that others do not hear

  • Making up explanations for things

  • Sensitivity to temperature shifts

  • Seeing dark spots before your eyes

  • Blurred vision, especially when fatigued

  • Double vision especially when fatigued

  • Diminished night vision

  • Difficulty relaxing

  • Twitching

  • Sensitivity to sound or noise

  • Sensitivity to light

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Great post about a soldier returning with PTSD/TBI

Main and Central has a great post about Healing Soldiers at Home. I tried to post a comment, but I got an error, so here’s my response:

Thanks so much for this excellent post! It brings together some great into that people really need to know. I’m a long-term (35 of my 43 years) traumatic brain injury (TBI) survivor, who never received assistance or help (or even acknowledgement) of my condition. I was head-injured when I was 8 years old, and when people didn’t see any immediate physical problems, they just assumed things would work themselves out. Well, they didn’t. I had to work them out, myself. That’s the bad news — years and years of isolation, confusion, false-starts, problems with peers and teachers and parents and family… problems at every turn, with no explanation of what was going on with me. Growing up with a TBI taught me a lot — most of it thanks to the school of hard knocks.

But I have to say, there has been light at the end of the tunnel. Recovery from and successful living with a TBI is possible! I’m living proof! I’ve been through the darkest of valleys, and today I’m in a stable marriage of 17 years, I have a long and productive career history with some of the top businesses in the world, I have a satisfying social life, a healthy emotional balance, and peace of mind. All this, despite living on the margins and having tremendous difficulties over the years with this TBI.

In spite of all the difficulties (perhaps because of them), I have learned to live successfully on my own terms, drawing on my own resources and making sure my own needs are met. If I had depended on folks around me to help me out, I don’t think they could have done nearly as good a job as I’ve done. That’s one of the problems with TBI — it impacts the very part of you that you depend on to identify your needs and communicate them to others.

Even though the VA and the current administration are NOT living up to their responsibilities, there is hope. Each person can find their own way to health and balance… so long as they’re not locked away in a prison of ignorance and fear. TBI survivors are all too often on their own, but it doesn’t need to be the end of the story. Each and every one of us can live up to our true potential, even in the face of limitations. Even in the face of government neglect, PTSD, and brain injury!
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A good day… sort of… I think…

Today was a good day.

I think.

So far, anyway.

I’m actively looking for work, right now, after taking a little over a month off for the holidays. I’m finding that dealing with people — especially co-workers — during the holidays is just too much for me to take, these days. I can’t stand the hurried pace, the rush, the frantic-ness of it all, not to mention all the issues that people at work have around their families, their emotional issues, their holiday trauma-drama… It’s just so tiresome, and my coping skills could really use some improving. So, until I get/feel better this time of year, I’ve taken to checking out from Thanksgiving through New Years.

This is the third year I’ve done this. I’m a consultant, so I can adjust my schedule accordingly — work like a dog for 10-11 months, bill all the hours I can get my hands on, then take the last month of the year off. It works for me. It’s much better than getting overloaded in December and then acting out. That just wasn’t working with me. Plus, after my re-injury at the end of 2004, I just had to quit the the holiday season wholesale, to take care of myself (and spare the world from my outbursts and social uneasiness).

In the months after my fall over Thanksgiving of 2004, I became increasingly non-functional in tight spots at work — with no clue why. I became a real problem at the office, what with my temper flaring and socially inappropriate outbursts around co-workers and my concentration shot to hell and my impulse control and emotional extremes all over the map. Unfortunately, I didn’t know why it was happening to me… all I knew was, I couldn’t function around those “a**holes at work” anymore (I won’t tell you what they thought about me!), and I had to make some choices. After enduring a grueling year of real struggles with myself and others, I realized at the end of 2005 that it just wasn’t working, that combination of holiday stress and my mental/emotional situation (tho’ I didn’t realize I was dealing with a TBI at the time).

So, I decided to just quit. Take the time away from the office. Stop working. And it was great!

I have to admit, I was pretty nervous, when I first “dropped out” at the end of 2005. I am a workaholic by nature, and the longest I’d ever gone without work in nearly 20 years was 2 weeks. So, being away from an office and a client for longer than 10 working days was a whole new thing. But it was a good thing. And when the New Year came around and I had brand new clients in 2006, I realized the sky wasn’t going to fall if I wasn’t working 51 weeks out of the year. So, I did it again in 2006. Took six weeks off between Thanksgiving and New Years. And I did it again this holiday season.

Now I’m back in the job market, looking for clients. Sending out curriculum vitaes. Quoting hourly rates. Hob-nobbing and networking and schmoozing, oh my! I’ve had some good nibbles, but I’d be a lot happier if things were nailed down.

That will come. Some of my leads are very strong, and I’m feeling positive. I never mention TBI when I deal with clients. That’s not the sort of thing I feel comfortable telling people as a consultant. As a full-time permanent employee, it would make sense to tell my employer that I’ve got this disability, since the ADA was created to protect people like me/us in such a situation. But as an independent consultant, there’s just no way I’ll ever breathe even a hint about my TBI background to prospective clients.

My job is to make their lives easier, not more difficult, and throwing brain injury into the mix is not something that makes their lives easier… or my life, for that matter.

Still, a part of me pines for a full-time job that lets me be protected by legislation passed to help people like me. I’d love to be able to show up at an office and know that there are laws in place to keep me from being preyed upon, persecuted, exploited, and treated like a second-class citizen by ignorant boobs. It might take some of the pressure off.

Maybe if the independent consultant gig gets too dicey, I’ll look for a gig like that. But for the time being, while I’m still of sound mind — well, mostly, anyway 😉 — and body, I’ll keep billing at my professional services rate and retain my freedom.

Today was a good day. So far. Good progress.

I’ve got a TBI… now what?

I’ve been scouting around the web for the past month or so, looking for information on TBI, and finding a whole lot of it. Much of what I’m finding has to do with recent TBI victims/survivors, but not a whole lot of long-term survival/thriving information. Or maybe I’m just looking in the wrong place…

Anyway, since I’m both a long-term TBI survivor, as well as a re-injured individual (I had a fall in 2004 that turned my life upside down, slowly but surely, without my realizing what was going on, until the damage was done), learning and reading and talking about long-term coping strateties and rehab approaches is of particular importance to me.

Sadly, I’m not finding a lot of them. But long-term survival (and thriving) stories are so critical to read — especially since so many people are turning up with TBI, and they’re being told any number of things from “You’ll never walk or talk normally again” to “Get used to being a vegetable.” It’s a shame and a bit of a crime… people need hope! People with TBI’s need to know that there is life after head injury, and that they don’t have to live a life of disability and disadvantage.

I suspect that the reason there’s not more information about long-term TBI survival out there, is because TBI is a relatively “new” area of study, and a lot of us who have been living with TBI’s all this time, have — in a way — “gotten over it” and gotten on with our lives, despite our initial disabilities. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I when think back on how much I had to struggle through — the social difficulties, the impediments, the ringing in my ears, the confusion, the frustration, the anger… all of it — I would just as soon think about other things, like my almost-normal life. I’d just as soon not rehash all the hassles I went through.

To make matters worse, when you’re going through initial TBI coping/survival all on your own, you’re so often dreadfully unclear about what it all means, and you can’t quite sort things out in your compromised head, so the early stage fact-finding that’s happening now with Iraqi Operation vets hasn’t really taken place on the organized scale in the lives of long-term TBI survivors.

Plus, I think another factor that plays into it all, is that much of the work around TBI (that I’ve found) is being done with relation to the US military — a good deal having to do with operations in Iraq over the past couple of decades. So, a lot of the findings and work being aggressively pursued seems to be in the domain of the Veterans Administration and military-related treatments. Which separates it from the civilian population.

Another issue could be the fact that the organized medical establishment is taking a closer look (than 20 years ago) at TBI diagnosis and rehabilitation, and the literature that’s coming out of those studies is specialized and medically technical in nature. So, the really in-depth material is a bit unapproachable for regular folks.

At the same time, the people who are personally and individually affected by TBI — survivors and their families — are totally tapped out, trying to get by and adjust to all the changes… breaking up, falling apart, struggling to keep things together, exhausting themselves, isolated (and isolating) in their own personal dramas, and living day-to-day just dealing with simple things that used to be so… well, simple. But aren’t, anymore.

TBI is a bear of a conundrum, also, because it’s so varied. No two brains are alike, and TBI’s tend to be individual and varied, too. From mild TBI to severe, from the part of the brain affected, to the personality (before and after) of the survivor, there are so many different factors that it’s pretty well impossible to make broad generalizations about TBI survival. Except that it can be a real challenge, and it can last a lot longer than the people affected feel they can deal with it.

I suppose I’m somewhat fortunate in that I sustained my injuries without any awareness of what they meant. Of course, it can be terribly frustrating and frightening to have no idea why your life is falling apart… but in the same vein, not knowing that I was “damaged” made it possible for me to continue living my life without the perceived limitations of a TBI. I’m not sure I could have made the same progress in learning social skills, learning how to learn, correcting my writing, acquiring anger-management abilities, and basically accumulating all those “normal” skills that didn’t come naturally to me, if I’d been saddled with an identity of a TBI-survivor. I think that would have been absolutely devastating to me as a kid.

Now that I’m grown, it’s a different story. I have a history of successful rehabilitation and recovery behind me (even though I have had setbacks and I continue to struggle in some respects). I have a lifetime of coping — successfully and not-so-successfully — with the particular pecadillos of TBI, that inform my life choices on a daily basis. And now knowing that my head injury was the cause of so many different problems I really struggled with but couldn’t explain, now relieves me (well, it’s starting to relieve me, anyway) of that nagging sense that I’m inherently flawed, that I’m a bad person, that there’s something wrong with me.

I’m not a bad person. I’m a survivor of a brain injury. And knowing that makes all the difference.

I can stop being so hard on myself for every little thing, now. After 35 years, it’s about time 😉

But enough about me. So, what do you do if you’ve sustained a traumatic brain injury? What indeed? There are things you can do, to get back on the good foot again!

  • Look around online and read the valuable information at many websites. There’s nothing like a web page that you can come back to, time and again, for repeat reading and clarification. And printing out information to review when you’re less stressed or have more time to digest it, is very helpful.
  • Contact a local Brain Injury Association chapter and obtain information from them. It’s their job to help people like you, so give them a reason to exist!
  • Keep track of your experience and compare notes with others. It can be really helpful to see that you’re not alone, that there are others who are “worse off” than you… or who have had similar experiences and reactions.
  • Find TBI survivor blogs and read about others’ experiences. Posting comments and words of support and making contact with others like you can alleviate your isolation.
  • Reach out to support groups or other professionals, like counselors/therapists. Just find someone to talk to, who’s outside your personal sphere of influence, so you can say what you can’t say to your immediate family… without threatening your home stability 😉
  • Be patient. This all takes time, but things can sort themselves out. You just have to keep at it. I can personally testify that there is always the chance that you will recover far more than others expect. And hard work pays off. When the going gets tough, keep your head down and keep plowing at it — your efforts won’t go unrewarded!

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TBI & Polytrauma Single-Topic Issue in JRRD

The US Dept of Veterans Affairs has some great information at http://www.rehab.research.va.gov/jour/07/44/7/contents.html

Here’s hoping that folks suffering from TBI will be better served — especially our veterans.

TBI Stats

At http://www.tbirecovery.org/Intro.html I found the following information:

Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) is a leading cause of death and disability among children and young adults in the United States. Each year, an estimated 1.5 million Americans sustain a TBI. That’s 8 times the number of people diagnosed with breast cancer and 34 times the number of new cases of HIV/AIDS each year. As a consequence:

  • 50,000 people die each year.
  • 230,000 people are hospitalized annually and survive.
  • 80,000 to 90,000 people experience the onset of long-term disability each year.

The cumulative result is that today an estimated 5.3 million people – 2% of the U.S. population – are living with a permanent TBI-related disability.

That’s a lot of people…

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So, what IS a traumatic brain injury?

From the Brain Injury Association of America’s website (http://www.biausa.org/aboutbi.htm)

A traumatic brain injury (TBI) is defined as a blow or jolt to the head or a penetrating head injury that disrupts the function of the brain. Not all blows or jolts to the head result in a TBI. The severity of such an injury may range from “mild,” i.e., a brief change in mental status or consciousness to “severe,” i.e., an extended period of unconsciousness or amnesia after the injury. A TBI can result in short or long-term problems with independent function.

The blow or jolt can come from a fall, a car accident, an assault, or a sports injury, and to put things differently from what’s shown above, one person’s life-altering jolt is another person’s insignificant bump. The effects of a blow or jolt depend on the individual, and an impact that may not affect one person that intensely may completely disrupt the life of another person. It’s all very individual, and assessing the damage and addressing it is still a somewhat imprecise science.

The Journal of Head Trauma Rehabilitation, 8(3), 86-87. defines a patient with mild traumatic brain injury as:

[S]omeone who has had a traumatically induced physiological disruption of brain function as manifested by at least one of the following:

  1. any period of loss of consciousness;
  2. any loss of memory for events immediately before or after the accident;
  3. any alteration in mental state at the time of the accident (e.g., feeling dazed, disoriented, or confused);
  4. focal neurological deficit(s) that may or may not be transient but where the severity of the injury does not exceed the following:

a. loss of consciousness of approximately 30 minutes or less;
b. after 30 minutes, an initial Glasgow Coma Scale (GCS) of 13-15; and
c. posttraumatic amnesia (PTA) not greater than 24 hours.

So, if you’re like me, and you had a blow to your head that caused you to lose consciousness for less than 30 minutes… or even if you were “just” foggy and disoriented and confused after the impact, you may have sustained a mild traumatic brain injury (MTBI).

Just because the injury was mild, doesn’t mean the after-effects are, however. A seemingly insignificant blow to the head can turn your life upside-down and keep you from living fully, year after year, after year. And if the nature of your problems and the severity of them is never fully assessed or understood, the effects can be personally, socially, financially, and spiritual devastating.

Part of the problem with mild TBI, in particular, is that the effects can be largely emotional and behavioral (and thus social) in nature, so they can be interpreted as being “emotional problems” or “mal-adjustment” rather than a legitimate physiological problem. And so the issues can go unaddressed and minimized by folks around the TBI survivor, while the survivor suffers in silence and soldiers on valiantly in isolation, swimming in a sea of mis-information that tells them there’s something wrong with their character, their intelligence, their spirit… when it’s really their physical brain that’s having the issues.

The emotional fallout can be crippling. Living your life alone, isolated, feeling defective, and not knowing why… it all takes a toll. Being unable to sustain meaningful interpersonal relationships because of demons with no names and no faces… unable to hold down work for extended periods of time because of limitations you cannot identify or address… locked away in darkness and silence because people do not know the nature of your difficulties, and the part of you that would normally be able to identify what’s wrong is the very part of you that’s injured… the constant drip-drip-drip of erosive confusion and mounting insecurity and self-doubt undercuts your ability to function in profound and seemingly irreversible ways, turning you into a shell of what you once were. For no apparent reason.

It makes me wonder how many people are living marginal lives, unable to live up to their full potential, because of undiagnosed TBI. I know I have been. And I know I’m not alone.

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Greetings from inside my unusual head

Well, this is it, then. I’m actually going to do this thing called “record my experience as a long-term traumatic brain injury (TBI) survivor.”

Who am I? I’m a TBI survivor who’s extremely high-functioning. So high-functioning, in fact, that people just cannot believe that I’ve actually sustained a traumatic brain injury. I don’t “present” (as they say) as someone who’s been hit on the head. I’m quite intelligent, if I say so myself, I’m deeply curious about the world around me, outwardly, I’m socially engaging and interpersonally adept… and I’m really, really good at hiding the fact that 35 years ago, at the age of 8, I was struck on the head with a rock, knocked unconscious briefly, and then changed unalterably in subtle and confounding ways that were either interpreted as “behavior problems” and “just being difficult,” or I actively hid from my parents, siblings, friends, classmates, colleagues… the whole world, in fact, because if I let my shortcomings show, they’d land me in a whole lot of hot water.

What a long, strange trip it’s been, truly.

What’s even stranger is that, not until six weeks ago, did I even realize that the source of so many of my problems tracked back to a TBI. Shortly before Thanksgiving, I was laid up with an upper respiratory infection, thinking about how my life had shaped up till that point. It’s a long story, getting from being head-injured at 8 to that few days of lying in bed with a notepad and antibiotics, but long story short it finally dawned on me that the cognitive and behavioral issues I’d been having all my life were, in fact, very real. And they couldn’t be easily explained by psychotherapy, pop psychology, or my colorful personal history of (mis)adventure.

When I took a close and very honest look at my 43-years on this earth and studied my history closer than I’d allowed myself to, in … well, 35 years … it became pretty clear to me that I’d been swimming uphill against a current that was never fully explained or explored or even accepted by my exasperated parents, intimidated siblings, and confounded teachers. And it became painfully clear that if I was going to continue my life on an upward trend, rather than the erratic and intermittent upward-downward spiral/corkscrew/roller-coaster ride, I was going to have to take a long, hard look at what was really going on with me, and quit hiding behind excuses and avoidance and euphemism and actively ignoring a whole range of serious but well-hidden social, emotional, behavioral, physiological, psychological, spiritual, and neurological difficulties that have interwoven themselves into my life so completely, it’s difficult to separate them out from the “normal” parts of my life.

Lying there in bed, popping amoxycillin and waiting to feel better, scribbling away in my notebook, I realized that if I was going to actually live my life, instead of hiding away in a hole and emerging every now and then to give the appearance of living a life that others would appreciate and approve of, I was going to have to bite the bullet and face my deepest, darkest demons… demons that no one else even fully realized existed… demons that I could probably keep hidden all my born days, but will necessarily keep me from living fully and being a responsible adult, partner, employee, citizen, contributor, and human being.

Make or break time… time to come out from under the rock. Time to step out and let people know what’s happening inside my head. For once.

Because living with TBI is probably one of the most alienating and isolating experiences on the planet. The part of your person that’s in charge of telling you what’s going on, is hurt, and it often doesn’t know it. The part of your body that’s responsible for monitoring your behavior is not response-able, and it likes to hide that fact.

To make matters worse, so little is known about TBI in the general populace, and so much prejudice abounds about mentally compromised individuals — especially people who exhibit classic TBI behaviors like quick flashes of violent emotion and slowed (yes, technically, retarded) mental processing powers — that it’s not very safe at all to come out from under the shields you pull around yourself and interact authentically with the world around you. And if you are quite accomplished (as I am) at hiding out from others, it becomes that much easier to hide out from yourself. And you can lose touch with what your true capabilities are… what you really can do, what you really can’t… what chances you can safely take, and what you’d better not do… what activities and responsibilities you can realistically take on and perform at, and which ones are just asking for trouble, a ticking time-bomb of failure and internal cognitive-emotional collapse.

And that’s a terrible, horrible shame. Because having a TBI doesn’t make you incapable of contributing to the world around you. In fact, it can force you to develop unique coping skills that other ‘normal’ people could really benefit from learning about. It can force you to acquire a point of view that makes it possible for you to stay afloat even in the midst of the worst shit-storm on the planet… a point of view that can really help others make it through life. As a TBI survivor, you’re thrown into a snakepit of hell (again and again, time after time), and if you learn how to climb out (again and again, time after time), well, that’s not only a tremendous accomplishment in your own right, but it’s the kind of inspirational experience that can truly help others who may be less impaired, but still very much in need of help, just getting by in life.

So, my mission with this blog is manifold:

  1. To reach out to the millions of individuals (5.8 million, I’ve heard) who have sustained a TBI, along with their friends, family, and co-workers, to help them better understand traumatic brain injury information from a “lay person’s” point of view. There is a vast sea of medical research and clinical findings available about TBI, not to mention studies, facts, and tons of websites, but it’s often confusing and can be very disorienting. Having a personal “take” on all of it, might just help to humanize this scientific information and make it accessible to the people who need it most — the folks who are living each day with the after-effects of a traumatic brain injury. I hope that in reading this blog, they may be better informed about TBI and quit being so hard on themselves and others, quit being so frightened of this manageable condition, end the silence around cognitive-behavioral issues that are neuro-physiological in nature (not due to some “character flaw”).
  2. To share my personal experiences with other TBI survivors and their families, to help them overcome the feelings they may have of wretched brokenness, to let them know they are not alone and help them see that a broken brain is not the end of the story, so long as your whole body-mind-heart-spirit “information-processing system” is intact. There is more to us than what’s between our ears, and we can live full and satisfying lives, even if they are turned upside-down by forces beyond our neurological control.
  3. To relate my experiences to the psychotherapists of the world, who may be chasing the wrong demons in their counseling sessions, trying to fix “psychological” issues of TBI survivors which are actually neuro-physiological in nature, and help these therapists address the very real emotional/cognitive/behavioral/social issues which plague TBI survivors, often in secret, often hidden behind thick, high walls of shame, fear, guilt, and anxiety. There is a lot to be done in this domain, but folks need to understand the real issues we TBI survivors face, before they embark on diagnostic and treatment courses of action that serve mainly to frustrate and discourage us, and make us feel even more screwed up than we really are.
  4. To assist our men and women in uniform, returning from active duty, who have sustained a TBI in service to this great country of ours, and who are left out in the cold by a medical and psychotherapeutic establishment that often does not understand or fully appreciate their challenges and needs as TBI survivors.
  5. To celebrate my successful long-term survival from a TBI and show others how I did it… and how I continue to do it, so they can have hope and, in the words of Winston Churcill, “Never, ever, ever give up!”

As I said (I think ;), I’ve lived a very high-functioning life for over 35 of my 43 years with an undiagnosed traumatic brain injury, and I’ve experienced more success, happiness, and fulfillment in many areas of my life, than a lot of “normal” people do, with all their fully functioning capabilities. A TBI is not the end of the world, I’m here to testify. But to live life fully, I need to face up to what’s really going on with me, address my very real deficits, and design a course of action that will enable me to not only survive, but thrive… not only get by and give a pretty good impression of a highly successful citizen and contributor, but truly live up to my full potential.

So welcome to my world. Welcome to the world inside my broken-brain head.

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