New day, fresh start, woo hoo

A new day awaits

January seems to have flown by. And today actually feels like a fresh start for me. There’s something about today… I’m going to give the new neurologist another call to see if I can get in to see them. They transferred to a new hospital — which is only 30 minutes from my home (score!!) — and their credentials and records all have to be transferred to the new practice. I called two weeks ago, and the deal wasn’t done yet. They told me to call back in two weeks, so I’m doing it.

I’m feeling pretty positive about this. The main thing I want to find out, is if there is something serious going on with me. All these symptoms could be nothing. The tremors, twitching, headaches, dizziness, vertigo, nausea, etc. could be “just one of those things”. Or they could be something more serious. I just want to rule out the “more serious”, so I don’t have a degenerative condition eating away at me behind the scenes.

I’ve dealt with some vitamin deficiencies, which have really helped my head. And I’ve been dealing with my physical fitness to stave off the creeping effects of aging. I just want to make sure I’m not in a situation where things are getting worse without me knowing it. My PCP, as much as I like them, has pretty much checked out of their practice. They’re just putting in time until they retire, it seems like. They don’t like the practice they’re in, they don’t like how they’re told they’re supposed to practice by the insurance companies, and they don’t follow up adequately with me. I can talk to them about most things, and I feel pretty good about our rapport. But medically, I have reservations. They’re just not as engaged as I’d like them to be.

Anyway, yesterday was a very telling day for me. Monday’s are always informative, in one way or another. The changes at work have not worked in everyone’s favor, and there are a lot of disempowered, disenfranchised people walking around the office. The people who are most disenfranchised are the long-timers, the ones who seem to think that they’re “in”, and they don’t have to really do anything special, other than just be their fabulous selves.

Hm. In today’s economy, that will never work. The whole long-term employee thing is a trap in many respects — first, because it is no longer valid. Companies don’t have loyalty to people who are loyal to them. It used to be that being a permanent full-time employee was like being married to the company — there was an expressed bond between the two, an agreement of fidelity and loyalty. But that’s not the way things are anymore. Companies are very quick to shed employees who no longer serve them.

And when I think about it, it’s like the companies are spouses who ditch their partners because they’ve “let themselves go”. I think that tends to happen in companies, where long-term employees stop thinking about how they can keep fresh and current and keep adding value to their employer. They get complacent. And they get lazy. And then when they get “out of shape” and carry on with an air of entitlement, it’s actually really easy to cut them loose. What do they add? The business world is brutal. Companies can’t afford to “sponsor” employees who don’t pull their weight.

That’s how it is, too — companies “sponsor” employees over the long term, covering for them and making it possible for them to keep working, despite getting lazier and lazier and more and more entitled. There’s no more hustle. There’s no more innovation. There’s just more and more complaining, and less and less productivity.

Now, I’m not an apologist for companies that just cut people left and right, because they can’t run their own business. I’ve worked at a bunch of places that couldn’t keep their act together, and wrecked a lot of lives as a result. That kind of stupidity makes me crazy. It’s so unnecessary — and I think it also stems from the same sort of laziness and entitlement that gets employees into trouble. People quit doing the things that made them great to begin with. And then they lose it. And get replaced. And people get hurt as a result.

But sometimes they just hurt themselves. Like these days, with the folks around me having a really crappy attitude and not taking responsibility for their decisions and frame of mind. People running off to huddle and complain and gossip. People gathering in little cliques to “circle the wagons” and protect themselves. I know what that’s like. I’ve done it myself, many times in the past, when I was younger.

It really is a sign of immaturity — I recognize it well. And time will solve that problem, I assume. Right now, though, it’s a pain in my ass. I really need to be surrounded by positive people who have a can-do, entrepreneurial attitude, and who are willing to work.

And around me, there’s not much of that sort of attitude. Just people feeling sorry for themselves.

Well, whatever they want to do, that’s their business. I don’t have to let that bother me. I just take myself and my laptop to the cafeteria and work there. As long as I have a wireless connection, it’s cool. I put my headphones on and put on some tunes, and I can make some pretty great progress. And have a nice view from the table I’m sitting at. I have my ways to get away from the little dark clouds.

I have a great feeling about today — it feels very promising, and I’m looking forward to what the day brings. I have my plan. And I remembered my datebook today, so I can see what I’m supposed to be doing with myself. It’s morning, and the sky is getting lighter behind the hill in the back of my house.

It’s a new day — why not make the most of it?

Onward!

Two steps forward, one step back… then two more steps forward

It’s still progress

There is progress on the neuro front — slow but steady. I may have found someone I can work with to help me sort out all the issues I’ve been having, but have not been able to articulate that well:

  • constant headaches
  • constant tinnitus
  • noise sensitivity
  • light sensitivity
  • balance issues
  • nausea
  • fatigue
  • muscle weakness
  • twitching in my right hand and thumb
  • tingling and numbness on the left side of my face

All the “usual suspects” of my daily life are getting to be a real pain in my ass, and now that I’m not completely wiped out each and every day by my commute, I have gotten the strength back to actually notice how screwed up things generally are for me, physically speaking.

Don’t get me wrong. My life is good. I love it. I have a good job with a great company, my debts are gone, my house is in good shape, I’m able to read and write more now, than ever before, and it’s great.

The thing is, all these symptoms — some of which have been with me for as long as I can remember — are now much more noticeable, and I would really like to do something about them.

The main thing is, I need to see if they are part of something more serious than just the everyday post-concussive wear and tear. I can definitely live my life with them in the background. I’ve been doing that for as long as I can remember. They don’t make me utterly miserable, when I manage them.

But wouldn’t it be interesting to find out what life is like without them?

That’s the next chapter of this journey, anyway. Still in development.

I haven’t forgotten about my S.O.S. – Sense-Of-Self – work, though. I’m working on a couple of other projects right now that are taking up a lot of my time and attention. I hope to get back to the SOS writing this weekend — and in fact, it would make sense, since my physiological issues and all the pieces that go with that are intimately connected with my sense-of-self. That, and my ability to communicate.

I’m feeling a little discouraged about the communication piece, actually. When I’m writing, things become very clear for me. But when I’m talking, I can’t say nearly the things that I need to say. It’s like I have a vast and ever evolving “ecosystem” in my head, but just a very small window through which the thoughts and ideas and knowledge can actually pass. That’s when I’m talking. Everything gets jumbled up, and even though it sounds like I’m saying things that make sense to others, they do not reflect what I’m really trying to say.

And people who tell me I’m making sense just depress the crap out of me, because I can’t completely express what’s truly going on inside of me, and if they could hear only half of what I want to say, it would put things in a very, very different light.

When I’m writing, however, it’s a totally different thing. Maybe because I’ve spent so much of my life writing and working on that skill, while talking has been far less of a priority with me. That, and when I talk, all the words and thoughts and concepts get jumbled up in my head.

I guess that’s my next thing to tackle — how to communicate effectively by the ways that work best for me, instead of trying to rely on spoken communications. I’ve collected a lot of data about my headaches and other symptoms, which I can share with the neuro, when I see them. And I’m working with my neuropsych to figure out how best to present everything.

It’s all an ongoing process, of course. And I need to not be too rough on myself when I fall short of where I’d like to be.These things can take time. Just gotta stick with it.

Onward….