Something in me wants like crazy to reach out, to make contact, to connect with another human being on a level that has absolutely nothing to do with anything we know about each other. Not our strengths, not our weaknesses, not our issues, not even our victories.
Something in me craves the kind of connection you can only get with total, utter strangers… the kinds of people I feel most comfortable around, who know nothing about me and will never learn anything more about me, than what the moments we share have to offer.
There’s something clean in that, something pure. Something unadulterated and untarnished. There’s something divine. Utterly, inexpressibly divine.
A weird beetle is flying around my room. It’s been warm, the past few days, and the bugs are coming out again. Grass is growing again, despite the late date. This bug has been in my study for the past day or so, buzzing around, climbing on my curtains, inching closer to one of the three lamps I have on to light my workspace… to light my way.
In some ways, I feel closer to that beetle than I do to many people. It’s an ugly thing, really. Not very attractive, and sort of prehistoric looking. There are lots of them around my place during the spring and late fall. They gross out my spouse, who can’t stand dealing with them, but there are so many of them around, you can’t avoid them. But every encounter I have with them is pure and clean and straightforward: You are in my home. You will not find anything interesting to eat in this place. You should not be in my study or my bathroom or my hallway. You need to go outside, and I am going to take you there. Now.
End of contract. End of story. And no one has been hurt in the process.
How unlike my human exchanges.
I had a very probing session with my psychotherapist today. I suspect they think that I am making up my issues to “game” the system and get money out of someone. I suspect they think that I’m misleading my employer and overstating my abilities, because I need the paycheck. I suspect they can’t quite believe that someone with my history of head injuries can possibly be as functional as I am. I haven’t even told them about the other two from my early childhood that I remembered recently.
My session brought up issues that I have frankly not dealt with, about how I relate to my immediate family. The holidays are upon us, so what better subject for a shrink session? And now I am feeling sick, because the impact of some Very Bad Things that have happened since my fall in 2004 never really sank in.
This, I suppose, is the price of increased awareness — increased awareness and sensitivity to all the crap that tends to fly about. Disturbance and distress and falling ill with nervous exhaustion. There we have it.
Part of me wants to crawl back in my cave and not sweat the big stuff that goes on. Part of me wants to go back to pretending that everything is just fine, and that my options in life are unlimited. Part of me wants to go back to not being therapized on a weekly basis. Part of me wants to just get on with my life. But then, there are Very Bad Things that need to be dealt with.
So, I guess I’ll just deal with them. Like all the other crap that comes across my path.
I’ll just deal with it. All of it. And make sure I get enough sleep and take my B vitamins.
Don’t forget the B vitamins.