Routine and Habit – what helps you recover from TBI / PCS

When you’re recovering from mild TBI or post-concussion syndrome (PCS), having to reinvent the wheel for simple tasks is Enemy #1.

Having to re-think everything that you do, every hour of the day, is a killer. It sucks up critical mental cycles that could be used for other things, and it fills your brain with sludge from exertion. It turns you in to that Sisyphus, that mythical guy who pushed the rock up the hill each day, only to have it roll back down.

If you can create a daily/weekly routine to follow that gets you where you need to go on a regular basis, you can get on autopilot and make some real progress

That’s one of the things that’s been doing a number on me, lately – being off my routine. Starting new things and having to really rethink a lot of assumptions about how I can live my life.

Freedom is a lot closer to me, than I realized.

There’s change in the air. It’s exciting. And with that excitement comes additional work and stress. And I have additional things to do with myself that I need to create a new set of habits for.

So, I’ll do exactly that.

More to come.

Onward.

Knowing when to get out

Gotta know when to make a run for it

I can’t believe it’s Sunday, already. Seems like it was just last Tuesday.

I’ve been pretty tired, over the past week – lots going on. Plus, I’m working out in the mornings again, so that’s making me more tired, on top of everything else that’s going on.

So, I need to factor that in, whenever I go about my business and interact with others. I need to track where and when I’m doing not-so-well, and take steps to correct my situation, when I see/feel myself going awry.

Like this morning. I got to bed late, last night, because I lost track of time in the evening and I had to run out and buy supper late. So, we ate late. And we watched a movie that kept me up till midnight. And true to form, I woke up at 6 a.m. — so, I’m operating on 6 hours of sleep.

Not great. I’m feeling sick, and when I got started this morning, I made the mistake of getting into an extended discussion with my spouse about things that need to be done. I only wanted to make a cup of coffee before I went out on my morning walk. But within minutes, we were both sparring, and the conversation rapidly spiraled downhill, with my spouse perseverating, accusing me of perseverating, followed with angry accusations from them, and finally petulant tears.

I didn’t help matters any, by finding fault. And in the end, I managed to get out for my morning walk and work off the aggravation.

Lesson learned. When I am over-tired and not feeling well, I need to just excuse myself and get out of an angry conversation as soon as humanly possible.

It’s the only way. My spouse has their own neurological issues, which they cannot seem to see, and when we are both tired — like at 6:00 a.m.– and I’m trying to get out of the house for my walk, while they are trying to get me to spend some time with them, it’s a volatile situation that’s just no good.

The crescendo develops in a few predictable ways.

First, I am tired, and when I am tired, I am more irritable.

I’m more likely to get tweaked over every little thing. Something as minor as the sun peeking up over the hill behind my house can set me off… let alone getting sidetracked from my activities by my needy spouse. Plus, when I’m tired, it’s hard for me to think and I am less coordinated, so that irritates me all the more.

Second, to wake myself up, I often use anger.

I discovered this little “trick” about 20 years ago, when I had to get up at 4:00 each morning to drive my spouse to work. I would drop them off and then head over to my job… and as I was driving, I’d start to nod off. I discovered that if I made myself angry about things, it woke me up. And it did it quite effectively. So, I have been doing that for many years, and while it’s effective, it’s also a bad habit I need to break.

Third, my spouse loves to wrangle when they are tired, too.

So, the two of us can rapidly escalate to the same-old-same-old nagging and grousing we’ve been doing for years. When I was 10 years younger, it didn’t bother me as much. But now, it’s just a pain in my ass. And a total waste of time.

And I know better.

So, I need to do better. I got myself out of the house without indulging in more drama. I didn’t go back and try to smooth things over, when the tears of frustration started to flow. I just walked away, because I’ve been pulled into that many, many times. It’s just my spouse’s way of trying to pull me back in, and it never ends up well — for me, anyway. They’ll be fine. They’re just worked up, and they need some time away from me. Just like all the other times, we’ll reconverge later in the day, and things will be fine. I’m not getting into it, just getting on with the day.

I’ll take a quick nap around noon to recharge — and another one later in the afternoon. That will keep me going.

And I’m not going to engage. Because I don’t feel well, I’m fatigued, I’m behind on my sleep, and I still have a lot to do before the next week starts.

Lessons learned — yet again.

ONward.

 

Laser in, work it out, rest up, and repeat

One of the common problems after TBI/Concussion, is fatigue.

It can be a killer… especially because we can become fatigued from (over)doing things we really love and that make us happy.

When our brains become fatigued, they become more distractable. And when we are more distractable, we can end up expending valuable energy in many different directions.

Which means the limited energy we have is further dissipated. And that’s no good.

That’s where I am right now. Really tired out from four very intense days. I thought today would be easier, but it was actually packed full, with a lot going on. And now I am beat. One of the projects I was on at work got presented to senior leadership, and the president and CEO of the company was there — and liked it very much. My team members really got some good time with the Pres/CEO. I was worn out and couldn’t stay, but I’m glad the rest of them got to hang out with the top brass.

Anyway, I’m winding down, now, feeling pretty good about this week overall. I’m really excited because a project I started back in 1999, that has gone through many different iterations, is coming around again in a big and beneficial way. It’s pretty exciting, to tell the truth, and I’m diving back into it with more realism and fervor than ever before. Not only do I have more energy, but it’s much better educated and better organized than ever.

It’s very exciting.

And I need to pace myself so that I don’t burn out. I need to take things very steadily, very systematically, and not let things flare wildly out of control. I can so easily let myself get carried away by all the excitement, that I wear myself down and end up wrecking my progress. And then I’m worse off than before.

And then I get down on myself.

And then I end up even worse off than back at Square One.

Let’s not do that again, shall we?

So, my path is clear. I know what I want to be when I grow up — at least for the next few years. And I can relax now. I’m both excited and relieved. I can see a way out of my malaise and morass.

Laser in, work it out, rest up, and repeat.

Onward.

But first, a good dinner and a full night’s sleep.

Work makes it worth it

Time to dig in

Time to dig in

I’ve been going-going-going for the past five days, and today is another going-going-going day. I’ve got a lot to fit into my hours, and nothing will wait. It’s just one of those times.

I feel like I’m coming down with a bit of a cold, so I have to take care of myself. I’ve been around a lot of different types of people, over the past days, and some of them have been sick – as in, sneezing-hacking-coughing sick.

No fun.

Also, at the height of the craziness over the weekend, I forgot to take my vitamins, so I can’t imagine that helped. I usually take Vitamin D, B-Complex, B-12, Calcium-Magnesium (it combines well with the D), and Vitamin E. But for several days, I didn’t take them. And on top of that, I ate food that I know I’m allergic to, which did not help. I usually get sick when I eat dairy, and although it’s been a few days since I had that cheese pizza (which was an incredibly bad idea) I’m still feeling the effects.

Anyway, I’ve got a lot going on these days – including my upcoming neurologist appointment on Tuesday May 5. I finally got an appointment. I need to gather my notes about my symptoms to discuss. It’s hard to know which ones matter, and which ones don’t, and I’m not sure how much detail to give. I’ll pull together high points to review, and discuss from there, I guess.

I have never had much success with doctors before. The neurologists I saw in the past were almost deliberately difficult, as though I was suspect from the start. I present well, and nobody really can tell how much difficulty I’m having, so I’ve gotten to the point of not even bothering to try to explain myself or communicate what I’m experiencing to others.

The one exception to this is with my writing. I guess I’ve  just been doing it so long, that I’m able to get more across in the written word. At least, it feels that way to me. Too bad my doctors don’t/won’t read what I have to say. There’s a lot of nuance in my situation, a lot of fluidly, shifting conditions that come and go and aren’t easily controlled with a pill or a shot. It’s subtle and it’s confusing and it changes without warning, at times.

So, what good can modern medicine / healthcare – so hurried, so oversimplified, so formula-driven – possibly do me? … Well, imaging, for one. A doctor can order a scan that will speak volumes about my situation — will it kill me, or won’t it? … But beyond that,

Talking things through with a doctor — including my neuropsych — is another story. The words just don’t get through. Which worries me and puts me on edge about this upcoming appointment in about 2 weeks. Is anything that I say going to make sense? And are they going to believe me, when I tell them what my experience is like? Will they dismiss me, like so many others? Will my time with them be wasted… and the whole thing turns into another “diagnostic adventure” that quickly devolves to a medical boondoggle?

Well, whatever happens, the bottom line is, it’s not the end of the world. If it turns out to be not-so-helpful, I’ll just walk away and get on with my life and find other ways to handle things. I have bigger issues to deal with, besides medical ones.

The main one being Work. It’s quite the roller-coaster at work, these days, with tons of uncertainty. But my Work is keeping me grounded and sane. The projects I have going are really shaping up nicely, and it’s keeping me engaged on a level I need to be engaged.

I had gotten really bogged down in other people’s “stuff” at work, but this past week has shown me that I don’t need to get stuck in what bothers them. What gets my imagination going and keeps my spirits up, is what I should be “stuck” in. Focusing on the Work I do, for its own sake, is really liberating. When I focus on doing my tasks at work, as though they are part of my own business, and as though they are taking me towards something bigger and better, it makes it all tolerable. The difficulties I go through are training for later — because sure as anything, there’s no way my life is going to get a whole lot simpler, any time soon.

So, I might as well get used to handling all the excitement.

Anyway, that’s the thought for the day — Work, in and of itself, is what truly gets me going, and it’s there that I can (and will) keep my focus today.

Onward.

Can a concussion make you not think?

Working Hard… getting nowhere

Someone found their way here to this site yesterday by searching for an answer to this question.

Can a concussion make you not think?

Why yes, yes it can.

With a concussion, your brain has got its wires crossed, and that can be distracting.  Already complex tasks become even more complicated, because in some ways your brain needs to figure out exactly what it needs to do, all over again.

Also, concussion can really do a job on your impulse control, causing you to say and do things that you used to stop and think before doing. Weird things can come out of your mouth, that’s for sure. And even you may be surprised at “who” is talking.

The other part of concussion, is that it can make you more distractable, so you may not pick up every clue and cue that is being sent your way. So, you might get distracted for a moment and not notice a signal that used to stop you from doing something — like a tone of voice or an actual traffic signal.

Your brain is working really hard, trying to sort things out… but it keeps missing things that it should get.

It’s thinking … about the wrong details, or it’s not realizing it needs to think about more information that what’s getting through.

But to everyone else (and maybe you, as well), it seems like you’re just not thinking.

{Sigh}

i have a hard time organizing things since my concussion

Someone searched on this yesterday and found their way to this blog.

I hope they found what they were looking for.

They’re definitely not alone. After my last concussion, I had a hard time organizing things, too.

I still do, at times, although it is difficult to know if it is still the concussion, or if it’s just my eventful life.

Whatever…

Life goes on.

I can hear the Glenn Miller Band playing “In The Mood”

Or should it be “In A Mood”…?  I am in such a terrible mood, these days, it’s not even funny.

Fortunately, I know it, so I’ll spare you my emotional ups and downs.They’re artificial, really. Not based on anything substantive, other than that I’m extremely tired and over-taxed, and there is a lot of change going on at work.

Very little of which seems to be managed well. By others, or by me.

No, scratch that. I am handling it all pretty well — all things considered.

I’m just very, very tired and wading through unknown territory as best I can. I have to be careful that I don’t let my physical state trick my mind into believing that I’m worse off than I am. That happens to me all the time, and for years it really messed me up, because I interpreted feeling bad as being bad.  Not the same thing. Not even close.

I might as well get used to this, because the way things are going for me, it’s not going to get easier or simpler, anytime soon. The people in charge are seeing what I can do under really challenging circumstances, which will only bode well for me, job-wise. So, in that respect, things are good. At the same time, if nobody else is stepping up except for me… well, you get the picture.

Getting ahead of myself, though. Way ahead of myself.

The wild thing is, things are actually going really, really well for me. When I step back and take a look from 30,000 feet up, and I can disengage from all my internal angst — not to mention the pain and confusion and frustration I’m in — things are looking great. But my biochemistry is completely out of whack, and I’ve been running on adrenaline for a bit too long.

So, screw it. Just keep going. I’m sure everything will brighten up, on down the line. It just feels like I’m not making headway, my spouse is perpetually under the weather, I have too much on my plate, the new car is having issues, and I’m feeling pressured all over again in a multitude of ways.

Okay, I’ll stop now. That’s enough for one morning. Time to just get moving and do something about this.

Things to do differently this year

Starting ahead of time is probably the best idea

After going through all the pain of sorting through my taxes from several years, I am strongly motivated to do things very differently this year, than in past years.

What became very clear to me, in the course of sorting through all my past records, is that lack of organization has really messed me up in so many ways, financially speaking. And this is the year to do something about it.

I had not realized — partly because I glossed over certain parts of my tax prep that I thought were “non-essential” — was that there were deductions I could have been taking all along, that I didn’t. Perhaps the tax law has changed, so it’s more prevalent, now, but I uncovered close to $1000 extra dollars that I could deduct, simply by claiming my spouse’s van for business expenses in a different way. They use that van almost primarily for business, and if they didn’t have their work, they wouldn’t be driving it. They put hundreds (sometimes thousands) of miles each year on that vehicle specifically for business.

So clearly it counts as a business expense.

Live and learn.

After finalizing the last of my old tax returns, I took some extra hours yesterday to download all my bank statements and put them into a spreadsheet. And I started organizing them and figuring out what can be counted towards what deduction and what kind of income.

And so it starts. In tried doing this a few years back, but I was very unorganized. And I got confused. So just like I did with the refiling of past taxes, I gave up after a very short time. And I never looked back.

Till yesterday.

I can really tell that my thinking is much more organized than it used to be. This is leaps and bounds ahead of where I used to be. I think a number of things have helped me:

First, keeping this blog going.

It disciplines me to organize my thoughts each day — usually first thing in the morning. Because I’ve got over 500 followers, and more keep joining, I really feel a responsibility to write something useful and meaningful, not just toss a bunch of blather out on the screen.

Second, the logic work I’ve been doing.

I’ve been specifically working with logic problems for about a year and a half. I come up with a statement, and then I prove it to myself on paper with a detailed step-by-step explanation. I don’t do it for others, rather for myself. I’m my biggest critic, after all, and if I can’t convince myself, I’m not going to convince anyone else. I really believe it’s helped me collect and organize my thoughts in ways that few other exercises have.

Third, working with a lot of different kinds of people and organizing them to get things done.

In my job, I am in charge of making sure people get things done, so that’s really forced me to think in organized terms that direct people in a certain way. I’ve had to really dig deep to learn how to do this … and I’m still learning. And it’s doing wonders for my ability to gather, process, and organize information. That whole process actually started in my last job, so now I’ve been at it for about five years, and work has been hugely helpful in getting me more cognitively functional all across the board,

So, yes, I’m better organized in my thinking. And now I need to get better organized with my doing. I need to get my papers in order — all the bank statements in a folder together, all the bills in a folder together. It’s really a question of just having a place to put them all. I need 3-ring binders, for sure. That is a simple fix for what amounts to an incredible amount of needless complexity in my life.

I bitch and moan about how complicated the modern world is, but I also don’t do myself any favors, at times. If things are too confusing at a 50,000 level, then I need to get in closer — more frequently — and take a closer look on a regular basis. I can break this down into more manageable pieces — and I can also use it to my professional benefit, because my household expenditures numbers are data I can use to create meaningful visualizations that will not only be good experience for me with the new programs I’m trying to learn, but also help me understand my world better.

The beauty part of all this is, because we’re now halfway through April, I have three months’ worth of numbers to plug into my 2015 taxes spreadsheets, and I can get a jump on things.

Plus, if I keep on top of it, next year I won’t get sidetracked by all my disorganization and freeze response, and end up pushing against the deadline to get my taxes filed. AND I can have a good sense along the way, of where things are problematic, financially, and need to be fixed.

I’m also going to continue with my logic problems. They really seem to be helping me. That, and being really engaged with my work… letting myself mess up without getting too bent out of shape about it… learning as I go… it’s all good.

So, this feels good. I just need to keep at it.

Onward.

Yeah, I’m definitely better

NOW it makes sense to me. That’s a relief.

I just got done with recalculating my taxes for a couple of past years. I had tried to do it last year but process had me completely confused and intimidated, that I first messed it up pretty badly, and then I avoided it… and missed out on recouping thousands of dollars that were rightfully mine.

This is not so difficult, after all. And compared to how confused I got before, trying to organize my thoughts around it, the process this time was much more straightforward.

It’s been over a year, since I last tried to do this. I must be getting better, because this time I was able to do it with very little angst, anguish, and confusion.

Yes, there is progress.

I don’t even care about the missing thousands of dollars. This obvious progress is worth far more than that to me. And I’ll make up the difference in the coming years. I’m determined to do it.

Onward.