Focus… magic

Keeping eyes on the prize on down the road

Keeping eyes on the prize on down the road

So, I have my weekly schedule together. And I am focusing on one project at a time. And it is magical, what the focus brings me.

Just being able to say “No – not yet” to some of my projects gives me the energy boost I need.

Because I can actually get things done.

And I don’t have a gazillion competing ideas rattling ’round in my head, sucking my energy away.

Onward. For sure.

After a flurry of activity… a bit of calm

Decisions, decisions…

All the excitement of last weekend is finally chilling out.

I’ve talked before about how I’m just not interested in things that used to fascinate me.

I’m actually interested in a whole lot more things. And the weird thing about how my brain works now, is that I’ll completely forget the things that I’m fascinated with, and what I can do to explore them.

I think I need to make a list.

And even more importantly, I need to stick to it.

I have been really, really impulsive for the past month or so. I think the talks with doctors get to me. I went to see a physiatrist yesterday to help me with my neck and back, and possibly with my headaches. They were really good, professional, and they ordered x-rays and referred me to a physical therapist of my choosing.

I have another neuro appointment coming up next week, and I’m a little nervous that I’m not going to handle that right. The last visit was okay, it was just overwhelming talking about my issues with a brand new person. The next time will be better, I’m sure.

I hope.

Anyway… nerves…

When I’m nervous, I have all kinds of “great” ideas that I want to rush into right away. A lot of them are really good, it’s just not the time, yet. And by getting caught up in the new ideas, the existing ideas fall away.

But I’m so caught up in the new ideas, I don’t feel the need to think about them. The old ideas seem boring to me. No spark. No excitement. No motivation.

No good.

That’s what’s happened to me. I had a flurry of activity, this past weekend, and I actually did some decent things. I just didn’t do the things I was intending to do. And that’s no good. I lost a lot of time AND I didn’t exercise the way I usually do, so my system feels more off. And I’m having more headaches.

I seem to be calming down, now, for some reason. I think I just got to a point where I realized ALL THIS STUFF IS NOT GOING TO GET DONE, UNLESS I MAKE SOME CHOICES. I can’t just have it all hanging around. I need to clear some of this stuff out.

So, it’s back to basics. I’m digging out my old list of projects and picking things to work on. I have five things “in rotation” right now, which means I can do one thing each day of the week for the next three months, and get them all done.

And leave my weekends open to just enjoy myself. Unwind. Kick back. Relax, already. Just relax.

Because that’s what I need.

And that’s what makes everything else possible.

Onward. But be smart about it.

The cleanup continues

It gets to be a little much…

Time for more organization.

I’ve been watching Marcus Lemonis on “The Profit”, and I have to say, I’m inspired. The way he gets people organized so they can better run their businesses, is very impressive. The show only reveals part of the process, which I’m sure is much more arduous and drawn out, but the end result is impressive. Even the folks who don’t work out, still demonstrate important lessons about how to run things — and NOT run things.

My study can use some of that organization. I have been really busy, the past several weeks, and it shows. Papers and books and folders are all over the place. And I’ve been scattered — dashing from one shiny object to another.

Not good.

So, I’m doing something about it. I’m narrowing down the list of projects I’m working on and getting rid of some things along the way. If I can get better organized, I will have more time to work on specific things.

I also need to narrow down the list of things I am no longer interested in. It’s pretty amazing, looking around and seeing so many books and papers and collections of information about things I’m just not interested in, anymore.

But it’s tricky. Because my “interest” tends to come and go, and I’ve frequently decided “no more of that” and put away the books and supplies… only to have to dig them out later, when they suddenly became more interesting to me.

It’s all about choices, really.

Which is what I need to make.

And so I shall.

Onward.

From good, to … where?

More quandary… I woke up early again today. I think I’m just jazzed about having extended time off, and all the ideas I normally don’t have the time to really dig into are pushing at the edges of my thought process.

They’re like neglected children — or puppies — all clamoring for attention.

What to do?

Well, first, I need to realize that this is a really good problem to have. A lot of people never figure out just what they want to do with their lives. I know what I want to do, and I’m doing it.

I just need to figure out how to make the most of it — and also get support from others to keep doing it. I spend a whole lot of time researching and writing and publishing, yet so far, the majority of the support has been motivational, moral support. I’m not knocking that — far from it. The “emotional paycheck” (as they call it) has been hugely important to me.

The thing is, emotions don’t really pay the bills, and I’ve gotta do that. So, I spent the lion’s share of my time working jobs that will get me money, so I can keep up this work… keep it going. And do more.

The other thing that’s kind of throwing me off, is that I’ve gotten into a pretty good space with my life. Sure, I still have issues that make my days “interesting”, but they’re manageable. I’ve figured out how to either ameliorate them or work around them or just plain ignore them and move along with my life. All the energy and time and focus I spent on identifying my issues, addressing them, coming up with new strategies and techniques, etc., etc.  …. well, it’s all paid off. And I’m in a really competent space right now (when I’m not mouthing off to police officers and managers at work, anyway).

And now where do I go?

I mean, seriously. I’ve felt like I was barely breaking even, for most of my 50 years. I’ve always had the sense that I was playing catch-up… and I wasn’t catching up very fast.

Now that I have the sense that I AM caught up, what do I do with myself?

If all you’re doing for your entire life, is trying to break even, and your whole life is geared towards laying low and minimizing risk, how can you transition to stepping out and above and beyond, when you no longer have to be chasing an ever-elusive goal?

If all your life you’re geared towards keeping things from blowing up, what do you do with yourself when you don’t have to be on constant guard? What do you do with all the energy that’s been spent on moment-by-moment damage control for so many years, when you’ve managed to achieve that level of control at a higher level?

And how do you keep yourself from imploding or going supernova from all the energy that comes up, when you’re not in constant fight-flight mode?

That there’s the question I’m wrangling with, this weekend. I have a lot of things I want to do, and that’s great. And in addition, I need to get used to the idea of moving forward into the unknown — and NOT having it all blow up in my face.

Well, this certainly keeps things interesting.

Onward.

Off to a great start this morning

I didn’t get quite as much sleep as I wanted, last night. After dinner, my spouse and I ended up watching a documentary about people who left a cult, and it was so fascinating, I couldn’t look away.

Kind of like a train wreck. But the film was really well-made and engaging, so it wasn’t all bad.

Anyway, I woke up around 6:30, which means I got 7 hours of sleep, and I rode the exercise bike for half an hour or so. I read a couple of little ebooks and listened to music and also lifted light weights while I was riding. I have a couple of wrist weights that slip over the handle bars of my exercise bike, that I can use to work out my arms.

I have a pretty exciting weekend ahead – with lots of lounging about, going for hikes, and resting — and no, I’m not being facetious. I really am looking forward to being able to just get off the leash and kick back. Unwind. Not worry about much of anything. Work on some of my projects. Finish some things that I haven’t been able to finish… and spend time just hanging out with myself without any pressure or requirements, other than what I want to do.

Pure magic.

It’s funny… I was having a conversation with a co-worker yesterday afternoon. We’re both contractors at the company where we’re working, and we both feel a huge amount of pressure to constantly perform at our highest. They said, “I feel like I’ve been on a 2-year-long job interview,” and it’s the truth. There is such a cultural divide between the permanent full-timers and the contractors, it’s wild. And we are under constant pressure to perform, because we’re so marginalized.

One of the projects I’m working on this weekend, is putting together a portfolio of projects I’ve brought to life at this company. I really have done some amazing work, which nobody could figure out how to do. There were some projects that had gotten started, and then just died on the vine, because nobody followed through. But I stepped in and got it done. I’m not getting egotistical. I’m just saying…

And it’s happened a number of times.

Anyway, I need to collect the evidence of that, add a description of the situation, the hurdles, the challenges, and what the eventual outcome was. Some of the things are amazingly cool. Others are interesting only to the 15 people on the planet who care about the inner workings of obscure technologies. But they all show results, and that’s what I have to lead with.

I think, if anything, this is going to put things in better perspective for me. At least show me that I have something to show for all my work. Because in this company, everybody seems to have amnesia — except for when you screw up.

Folks remember that stuff forever.

And I need to send out my resume to folks I promised it to.

I need to have a standard response for all these recruiters who contact me. Kind of like a form to return to them that tells them what I’m looking for, when I’m looking, and how best to contact me. I’ll attach two versions of my resume – 1 full-length, 1 condensed – along with my portfolio of “solutions”, and have it saved to an email.

Then I can just reply back to all the recruiters who contact me and send this packet along. And I won’t have to think about it each time. Practically automate it. Or maybe I will set up another email address that has an “autoresponder” on it, that automatically delivers my package for me. And I can tell all the recruiters to go there, instead of contacting me at my main email.

Yes! That’s what I’ll do. That will make things a whole lot easier, so I don’t have to manually send out a new resume all the time. What a pain in the a$$ that is. And I need to update my resume on all the job boards to use that new email. It will simplify things considerably, I believe… save me from having to go back to my home computer after a long day at the office.

Sometimes, the last thing I want to do, is network after a long day. Or a long week. Or whenever.

….

Okay, I got that set up, and now I don’t have to worry about “stuff”. And I don’t have to get into digging up past copies of my resume, every time someone reaches out to me. That’s such a pain in the neck.

Anyway, yes, my day has gotten off to a good start. And now it’s time to wash up my breakfast dishes and go for a walk in the woods.

Ah…. Friday

Join me as I rejoice

Before a long weekend, to boot.

It’s unfortunate that I am so elated that I won’t have to be at work for three days in a row.

At the same time, though, it just goes to show that I have better things to do with my time than deal with these [insert irritated nickname here].

It’s kind of bizarre. I’m on a contract with a company that is a wreck. As some of my fabulous friends say, they are a hot mess. The people who have been there the longest can’t seem to get anything done. They just don’t seem to want to work.

Yet the folks who can get things done — the rock stars and peak performers — are treated like crap because we expose the ineptitude of the long-timers.

Boo – effing – hoo.

It’s interesting that with each passing day, I see more clearly how well I really do work, compared to others. And how poorly others do, compared to me. I’m not getting all conceited, I just have never actually compared myself to others favorably — I always gave myself the short end of the stick, and I never thought much of my abilities.

That’s changed, in the past few years. I can see objectively now, that I do know how to be effective and efficient, while a lot of others don’t.

I had lunch with a former colleague the other day, who was recently the CEO of some hot-shot company. They left that position to go do some personal projects, and they’re fighting off executive recruiters who are trying to get them into a new CEO job at one of the region’s top companies worth something like $150 million or somesuch. They’re in demand, which is always usually nice.

The thing is…. though they are a friend and they are connected… they are not very smart. They don’t have the spark, the quickness, or the drive that you’d think a top performer would have. And yet…

Well, they did go to the right schools, and they are connected in the business community, so that works in their favor.

And they are a good friend to have, simply because of that.

It just always surprises me, when not-very-smart people who can’t do their jobs, are put in charge of big projects. Like… everywhere.

Kind of makes you wonder…

Oh, screw it. It’s Friday.

MRI results are back

I got a printed report in the mail, and things are looking good.

No acute intracranial abnormality.

No significant abnormality along my trigeminal or facial nerves.

Pineal cyst is stable since 2009, probably benign.

There are a few little “hyperintensities” in the right frontoparietal white matter, but of doubtful clinical significance (in every terms, who knows what that means – it’s probably nothing).

Sweet.

The thing is, I don’t have anything annotated on my disk, so I can’t see precisely  what the radiologist is talking about. I have a pretty good idea that the three little dots in the frontoparietal region on the T2 Flair image are what he’s talking about. I’ll just have request an annotated copy, I guess.  Maybe that will have something.

As Mr. Spock would say, “Fascinating…”

To my 24 new followers – welcome

Welcome, all! I'm glad you're here.

Welcome, all! I’m glad you’re here.

I have been looking at my WordPress stats, following up on who has recently followed this blog.

In the last 2 weeks, 24 of you have joined me on this journey (22 via WordPress, 2 via email), so welcome. I don’t mean to be rude or take you for granted — please know that I appreciate you following, and I hope I bring something positive to your life.

I’m about to go out for my morning walk on an amazingly beautiful day, and before I do, I just want to say:

Whatever brought you to this blog, was probably for a very good reason. People come here all the time, not knowing what they will find, then they discover something that helps them. It’s both by accident, and by design. I don’t have any particular “content strategy” in mind, other than writing about the things that matter to me, as a TBI survivor dealing with an invisible set of difficulties, a regular person trying to build the best life possible, and as a member of the larger community who is sure that I’m not the only one who feels this way.

There are times when I am annoying, I whine and bitch and complain and am not my best self by any stretch of the imagination. I can be petulant and cranky and self-absorbed, and I can be a real trial at times — especially to myself ;)

Be that as it may, I have an incredible amount of goodness in my life, and I want to share that experience, as well as show others how I’ve gotten there through a combination of hard work and perseverance, and using my noggin to determine if what I’m doing is actually working. The times when I fail are the biggest lessons — and at times the most valuable.

I’m not afraid to fail. I just get a little tired of getting back up all the time.

But then, don’t we all…?

I know I am not alone in my frustrations and challenges. I’m human, and whether you’re dealing with a brain injury, another sort of injury, past trauma, ongoing difficulties in your life, or a hidden condition that others can never suspect is going on, we are all in this together, and we all have so much to share, if we take the time and put forth the effort.

The effort is not easy. But it is worth it. I start most of my days on this blog, because I remember all too well what it’s like to go through life in pain and frustration and despair, and feel so terribly alone. Some days I’d rather be doing something else than typing into a machine, and I can go for days without writing a word. But I know this is important — to me as well as others who find their way here and really value hearing someone else talk about life in ways that they can relate to.

That happens all too seldom. But I hope it won’t happen here.

Joining us today from...

Joining us today from…

So, to all of you — followers, as well as new readers from all over the world — thank you for your support. I’m happy you’re here.

 

 

 

New site for how to slow your heart rate

hr-post-stats-all-time

A steady increase over the years – especially the past couple. Click the image to see the full size.

Over the past years, I’ve had over 300,000 visitors come to this site, seeking…

They especially seek out information on how to slow down a racing heart.

And since I have a reliable technique I use to slow down my own heart rate when it’s racing a mile a minute, I shared it. People found it. Some of them had better results than others, but I’ve got over 30 people telling me directly that it works for them.

As it does for me.

Most of the time. Sometimes, it just doesn’t work at all. I’m human. My body has a mind of its own, now and again.

Anyway, I wrote up an extended explanation of how things work for me. It’s a PDF that you can download and save to your computer, tablet, or smartphone and a bunch of people have downloaded it. It’s also an eBook on Amazon, which I think one person has bought.

I was reading my PDF and thinking about parts that need to be changed, fixed, and otherwise updated, and it occurred to me that I really need a site for this. Especially because people are asking about heart rate monitors, so I can put a store up there, as well so people can just get their gear at the same time they’re reading, if they wish.

So, this is announcing my new site slowmyheartrate.com — for folks who just need a simple, free way to keep their heart from jumping out of their chest.*

 

* Provided they have no serious underlying medical condition, that is.