If I hadn’t messed up my laptop the other day, it would be slower than it is right now. I had a whole bunch of
crap programs running “in the background” that I didn’t need at all.
And now my laptop is much faster. Cleaner. Nicer.
So, it’s a good thing that I messed up in a small way. Because that let me fix things in a big way. Plus, I learned a bunch of new tricks for how to make my computer really work much better.
The main hurdle in my way was my anxiety and thinking that I couldn’t figure it out. But I took my time and was patient with myself and I got a good night’s rest before I managed to fix it. When I stopped worrying and just “worked the problem”, things came together for me.
Bad experience for half a day.
Good experiences to come for weeks and months and years.
My approach to sleep and work and taking time out during my business trip has really paid off. I got almost 8 hours of sleep last night, and I’m not feeling nearly as jet-lagged as I expected to. I’ve been back for 2 days, now, and although I am still a bit foggy, it’s not nearly as bad as it could have been.
It’s not much worse than I usually feel on a Saturday.
So, that’s completely awesome.
What worked for me was this:
- Be completely uncooperative and resistant about anybody pushing me on my bedtime. Don’t take sh*t from anyone who tried to give me a hard time about not staying out till all hours.
- Do my best to blend in with my surroundings, so as to minimize flack about not being a “team player”. Go along with the things I could go along with — dinner with the team, group activities, up to a certain point, and of course doing my job reaching out to customers and having good conversations with them while on the expo floor.
- Take time away from people whenever I got a chance. Just retreat to my room, keep the lights low, don’t turn on the t.v. by reflex (I only turned it on twice – once to see what channels were available, once to check out), and decompress.
I did a lot of all of the above. And it was a really challenging time. But I came out of it in one piece, which is fantastic. And I’m not a miserable git, to live with, as I have been in the past.
Now I’m back to exercising in the mornings — I couldn’t get myself to the pool or gym on my trip, because I was pretty maxed out, cognitively and sensory-wise, so the idea of venturing into a swimming pool area or a gym with other people in it, was just too much for me. So, I didn’t bother.
It feels good to be back on the exercise bike, as well as lifting my dumbbells again. It’s also good to be back in a quiet house, where I can move at my own pace, and I don’t have people constantly texting me about meeting them here, there, or some other place. I get to stand at my desk and think, type, think some more, type some more. Check Facebook. Think about things. Just get my act together and regroup.
And go out for a hike later. It’s a little cold and rainy today, but that means there won’t be that many people on the trails, which is good. I’m in no mood to interact today. Just want to be a recluse and regroup after my trip.
So, I shall. I’ve got all day today — and tomorrow — to catch up. And for once, I don’t need to completely collapse and melt down, after that gauntlet run. I ran a good race, and now I can rest.
The sun’s coming up in the distance. Gradually. The sky is getting pink, and small clouds are hovering over the horizon. Street lights glow orange, and the tail lights of cars blink on and off on the streets below. My room is on the “boring” side of the hotel on this trip, which is good. The “exciting” side is bright and loud and exhausting. This room is my refuge.
I had a great time with my relatives, last night. I have not seen one of them in 30 years, and I had never met their spouse. You can really tell we’re related. Our mannerisms and sense of humor are very similar, and we talk about the same kinds of things. It was also good to connect with real people who are not working at the convention. Real people. Who talk to you because they want to.
I managed to escape the drunken forays of my workmates last night. I went to dinner with my family, and they went their own way – dinner and drinking till all hours. I cannot do it. I cannot tolerate alcohol, and being sleep-deprived is a hazard for me. My whole system starts to degrade when I am overly tired, and I make bad decisions that get me in trouble. I say things I should not say. I get combative. I get off-balance and am in more risk of falling. I make stupid choices and make myself even more tired, which compounds my difficulties. I cannot afford to get in that kind of trouble – especially in a work situation. I have a spouse and a home to provide for, and I also need to keep myself safe.
That is something that people with no health challenges can understand. They can just run around and do whatever they like without repercussions. A playground like this is paradise for them, and they can let their hair down and run wild, staving off their fears of dying and getting old.
My life, unfortunately, is all about repercussions. But I cannot tell anyone, because if people find out that I have “issues”, they can be very unkind. And they can start avoiding me. That’s why I never tell anyone about my brain injuries. They just don’t get it, and this is difficult enough, without adding constant isolation to the mix.
Brain injury can be deeply isolating. People do not want to confront human limitations – especially when it comes to neuro stuff. They just don’t. So, I spare them the discomfort of disclosure, and we can all just live our lives. But that’s the double-bind. If I don’t tell people I need special consideration and assistance, I can never get it. But if I do tell them, I can lose my job. And don’t tell me it’s illegal to discriminate. Employers, bosses, whoever… will find other ways to exclude you, if you’re “not a good fit”.
I like having a job. I like having an income. I like not being homeless and living on the edge. And silence is the price-tag on that.
Muddling through. Battling back the demons. Dancing carefully on the razor’s edge. And never letting on, just what is happening with me.
All the lights and noise and busy-ness that energize others… they exhaust me. I’m on constant guard against the onslaught. All the excitement, the long hours, the rich food and drinking… they fry my system, and I can barely keep it together… then collapse at the end of it all. I get so depleted, that I am pretty worthless for weeks after. It’s the price I pay for keeping up with “normal” people, and it has been this way my entire brain-injured life.
So, I suck it up. Keep going. Just focus on this being over in a few days. Three days and counting. And I really only need to work part of that time. I just want it to be over. But in the meantime, I enjoy what I can. Focus on the positives. Take time to myself. Recharge as best I can. And sleep whenever possible.
Focus on the good, so I don’t overwhelm myself with negativity. Just stay the course and be grateful for what good I can find.
For today, dear readers, we are taking a look at the after-effects of concussion / TBI. Here’s what people are looking for online:
- difference in tbi and concussion – I’ve written about this before, and it’s a controversial topic, to say the least. TBI is traumatic brain injury. Concussion is the injury that can lead to a brain injury. Not all concussions result in lasting problems. Around 80-85% of them resolve within a few weeks or months. It’s that other 15-20% that involve a lasting brain injury that cause the problems for people like me. I’ve proposed that we stop calling concussion “concussion” — because the word is more about the impact or the source of the injury, than the injury itself. I think we should call it “concussive brain injury” or CBI. Not everyone agrees, however — especially folks who are in the concussion diagnosis, treatment, and management business. Changing their “pitch” or “brand” would be prohibitive. But I still believe we need to distinguish between the concussion event and the brain injury result.
- tbi recovery 2016 – We’ve come a long, long way, over the years. The biggest gain, that I can see, is how people have gotten it through their heads that the brain is plastic — it changes constantly — and just because you lose some function in certain areas, doesn’t mean you’ll lose all ability to function, all across the board. The brain recruits different areas to do different things. It’s got a bunch of “second string” capabilities that it can draw in. And in fact, some neuroscientists are focused more on the whole “connectome” than isolated areas of funcationality — like Broca’s and Wernicke’s.
- concussion cause hypochondria – Why yes, yes it can cause that. I have seen it many times. And I’ve seen it in myself. Concussion can make you hyper-sensitive. And it can put you on high alert. First, your brain has been shaken up, and it’s in crisis. It’s working overtime to get back on track, to reduce the amount of “gunk” that gets released, when it’s injured. And at the same time, it has less energy to do so… and you get the picture. That’s a potent recipe for HIGH ALERT, which of course makes every single symptom seem worse. Concussion can make every sign of discomfort into a major concern. It can turn you into a hypochondriac. If you focus on chilling out your system, and you get your fight-flight response under control, the hypochondria can calm down. But if you keep the fight-flight going full-speed-ahead, little things can — and will — continue to seem like BIG THINGS, and you’re in for a ride.
- reduce intellect after car accident – Yep, that happens. It’s not necessarily permanent, though. Again, after you get concussed (like in a car accident), your brain is impaired. It just isn’t working as well as it could, because it’s struggling with clearing out the gunk that got released in the injury, and at the same time, it’s having an energy crisis, because it can’t get the energy it needs. It’s a problem. But it doesn’t have to be permanent. Remember: After concussion – you’re not stupid, it just feels that way
- is it normal after a concussion to experience weird things – Why yes. Yes it is. Your brain is not processing stuff the way it normally does. Your senses can all be heightened, or they can be dulled. You can experience anxiety, mood problems, neck aches and pains, headaches, post-traumatic migraine, ocular dysfunction, vestibular problems, difficulty with balance, strange senses of motion, lack of coordination, cognitive fatigue, concentration issues, and more. You can also start to feel every little thing (see the hypochondria entry above). And the world around you can start to feel like a very strange place. This completely, 100% normal. And it passes. When your brain sorts things out… clears out the gunk… figures out how to get energy again… and adjusts to the new “pathways” that information needs to follow… life starts to feel normal again. It might be different than before (that can feel weird), but you’re getting back to normal, and your brain is back to doing what it needs to do. Adjust. Experience. Grow and change as life takes its course.
You just gotta hang in there and work with it. Concussion / TBI is not easy, but it doesn’t need to be the end of the road.
It’s a gray, rainy day today.
Thank heavens for that. It gives me a reason to stay in, lay low, do some reading, write a little bit, and think things through.
Yesterday was a tough day for me – an emotional roller coaster that’s still kind of throwing me off. My spelling is not great – I keep skipping words I should be typing. I hate it when get emotional and bent out of shape over every little thing, and yesterday I was in fine form. Fortunately, I didn’t take it out on my spouse. It was more about weeping quietly at odd times of the day, trying to collect myself, and doing a so-so job.
Transitioning to a new neurologist, a new neuropsych, and navigating everything is proving more difficult than I expected. It challenges my recovery at the most fundamental level, and it’s hard for me to feel strong and with-it, when I’m struggling to collect my thoughts and put them into words with completely new people.
It’s not that they’re bad or incapable people. Both the new neuro and neuropsych (NP) seem very capable, and they both come highly recommended. It’s just that they’re new, and making transitions has never been easy for me. You’d think by now I was used to it, but to be perfectly honest, I’m struggling with this one.
It usually takes me day for my reactions to sink in, after an event. So, yesterday was a difficult one, because it had the double-whammy of meeting the new NP and talking through some details of the past 8 years with my current NP, and discussing my impressions of the new one with the old one. The new NP is incredibly smart — and talks incredibly fast — so fast, I had a hard time keeping up, and ended up fudging my way through the conversation. And then when I sat down to talk to my old NP, I couldn’t seem to come up with anything substantive to say about my impression of them on the spot.
It takes longer than that with me. I need a day or two to let it all sink in, because there’s a flood of information I’m taking in, and it takes a while to convert all that to words.
Which just left me feeling slow and stupid. It still brings tears to my eyes, when I think about how I used to be able to just jump right in and give my two cents on the spot. My brain doesn’t work like that, anymore, and it’s a crushing loss. I used to be really quick and smart that way, and now I just feel like the world is passing me by, and I’m too slow to realize it.
Which is why I tend to pull back from the world around me. It’s just so disheartening and demoralizing to be this slow — and know it. It would be one thing, if I were always this way. But it wasn’t always like this. And how strange it is, to realize your abilities are not what they used to be.
In a way, it was easier for me, when I didn’t know that I was slower than I thought I was. It was easier to react, when I didn’t realize that I wasn’t following to conversation, that I was getting lost and missing important pieces, that I was just fudging my way through. Then, I could just skate right along, as though all were well, and while I knew something was “off”, I had no awareness that it was related to my brain.
So, the past eight years have seen a huge amount of change with me, and a lot of that is due to the fact that I’ve had access to another person’s mind to help orient me and keep me honest. Many of those years, I spent in a state of high alert and concern over how much I was struggling with interacting with them. They didn’t know, because I kept it to myself. The last few years have seen a huge leap in improvement, so I’ve been on more solid ground. And I’ve done a better job of interacting — in no small part because I’ve learned how to interact with them. And as I’ve said before, connection is a huge part of TBI recovery.
Now a major source of connection is going away for me, and it’s a loss. I’m losing a key connection – just as if I were losing someone very close to me. It’s a kind of death, really, because the person I am when I’m talking to them, will never exist again. The people in our lives, the parts of our lives, are all part of who we are. They help make us who we are. And when they go away, those circumstances can never be fully replaced.
That part of us is going away. That piece of us — which may have been so essential — is disappearing. And it’s not coming back.
It’s like I’m losing a part of my mind. Our minds are shaped and molded and informed by those around us. Near and far, close friends and strangers, our social connections help create our personalities. They teach us ways to live. They shape our minds. They become our extended minds. So, losing someone so important, is more than a social loss. It’s more than a personal loss. It’s a functional loss.
And I hate this shit. It’s like standing by helplessly as I lose a part of my little finger. That little finger is not my whole hand. It’s just one part, and I can probably function quite adequately without part of it. But it throws me off. And in fact, my hand will never be whole again. Not like it was before. Sure, I’ll learn to adapt. I’ll adjust. I’ll get to know this new neuropsych, and we’ll do good work together, I’m sure.
But the one constant, stabilizing presence in my life — who doesn’t look at me like I have two heads when I’m having a bad day… who doesn’t talk to me like I’m an idiot… who talks slowly enough for me to follow, and repeats what they say when I need them to… good-bye. And good luck.
Well, this happens. People come and go from my life on a regular basis, but this working relationship has been the most stable and reliable one in my entire life. Even moreso in some ways than my 25-year marriage, which has had its ups and downs and hasn’t always been very stable. And to be honest, my spouse doesn’t have the information or the temperament to just deal with me, like my NP has.
Not that it’s been all peachy-keen, of course. Many’s the time, when I wanted to terminate. And in fact I was considering terminating at the end of last year. But now I realize just how important those weekly sessions have been for me. And I don’t want to lose them.
But lose them, I will. I must. In a way, it’s a requirement for me to move on. It’s like the Cosmos is telling me that I need to change and grow and shift my work in a different direction. Yes, this NP has been hugely helpful to me. But there’s something else out there for me… and that’s where I need to turn my attention.
So, for the next five weeks, I’ll be winding down and gearing up for this new neuropsych. And I’m trying to figure out how to work best with them, because their style is very, very different, and it’s going to be a challenge for me. But a good challenge, I think. Actually talking to people who go at a regular pace — even faster than normal. And learning how to tell them to slow down.
Well, this will be good practice for me.
Right now, though, I have a headache and need drink a bunch of water.
I’m sure I’ll figure something out.
This is terrible. I have to stop eating chocolate. My go-to for those times when I need a pick-me-up and I want to avoid coffee, has now officially failed to serve its purpose.
I’ve had a steady headache, now, for many weeks. And after taking a close look at my past several months of diet and exercise patterns, I found a number of things that I started doing over the holidays, which probably contributed to the headaches.
First of all, I started eating more candy after Halloween. We don’t get trick-or-treaters at our house, but we bought candy anyway, partly to take to other events we were attending. I didn’t overdo it too terribly — I had a couple of those little Hershey’s mini candy bars during the day, and then again in the evening when I got home from work.
Then I ate like crazy from Thanksgiving, on. It wasn’t like I binged on cookies and cakes and junk food (although I had a lot more pie than was good for me). I was good about it, overall, steering clear of the junk food and Christmas cookies. But I did have two full Thanksgiving dinners, with a ton of carbs, and lots of sweets, and more coffee than I was used to (I had to keep going, after all). And again, the chocolate candy became a staple at our house, with a bowl in the living room being almost constantly filled… being emptied… then filling up again.
Then, over Christmas, I continued to eat chocolate. Not bingeing, but a steady flow — a couple of pieces (or 3 or 4) in the early afternoon, a couple (or 3 or 4) later on, then another couple (or 3 or 4) in the evening while I was making dinner. Just to keep going. I didn’t want to drink more coffee, because my headaches have been so much better since I cut down drastically to 1/2 cup in the morning and 1/2 cup in the afternoon.
Christmas was a sleepy time, and I started drinking regular black tea again. Red Rose is my favorite. Especially with a lot of honey and some butter. Just the thing to pick me up.
But then the headaches started again. And a lot of things started getting worse, too. My balance has been off. The ringing in my ears… deafening at times. Light and noise sensitivity… much worse, lately. And my ability to attend to things happening around me really tailed off during the week between Christmas and New Years. I started to snap at my spouse. Freak out over little things. Get aggressive and hostile, like before. Not good. And a lot of the progress we’ve made over the months before, really suffered.
I got better, behaviorally, after I went back to work with my regular hours. But the migraines continued. Along with them… Nausea. Tingling and tics on the left side of my face. My left eye weeping. The tremor in my right thumb.
So, last week I decided to get OFF the caffeine and chocolate completely. I just stopped eating chocolate for a few days. I stopped drinking the tea and sneaking extra coffee when I felt a little low. I started keeping my energy up by eating healthy snacks — coconut milk yogurt, fruit, nuts, and gluten-free stuff. And I drank more water.
At first, I didn’t feel much difference. But after a couple of days, the migraine really subsided, to the point where it was … gone! As long as I kept my blood sugar up and drank my water, I was in a good place.
Then, last week, there was a lot going on, and I “fell off the wagon”, so to speak. I didn’t go back to the tea and excessive chocolate, but I started having extra pieces of chocolate in the afternoon. And when I was short on sleep, I had some extra coffee in the afternoon.
And I paid for it. At first, I didn’t feel anything. I actually felt great, to be eating chocolate again. And I was actually awake, thanks to the extra coffee.
But then the headaches returned. And with them the nausea, the facial ticks and tingling, the tears in my left eye, and an overall sense of sh*ttiness that I’d thought I was past.
So, again, I’ve cut out the afternoon coffee and all chocolate — and just when I’d stocked up on “healthy” dark chocolate with almonds and sea salt… Augh! I didn’t see changes right away — I only just stopped it, in the past day or two (I can’t remember exactly when), but I can tell a difference. I don’t have as much of a sick headache. I have a bit of one, but when I drink my water and keep my blood sugar up, and I don’t have the chocolate that is calling to me from the cupboard, I don’t have the same level of pain as I did before.
Plus, I need to keep my schedule steady. I find that if I laze around, I feel worse. I really do. And if I sleep too long on my naps, when I wake up, I’m in ragged shape and tend to snap out at my spouse, which is never good. I am groggy and confused, which makes them anxious, and our arguments escalate very quickly.
Like I said – not good.
So, there it is. As much as I love chocolate and have happily used it as a substitute for coffee, it’s still got caffeine in it — as well as other substances which I’m told contribute to migraine. None of this is good for a person like me, so it’s good-bye to chocolate.
And black tea.
And that afternoon coffee.
Fortunately, I still have my coconut milk yogurt, fruit, and nuts to keep me going and keep my energy and blood sugar levels up. I also keep an eye on my heart rate, and when it (and my blood pressure) rise to an intense level over events happening around me, I lower it with the system I devised over the years. That’s also an important consideration — and during the holiday blow-ups and meltdowns, my HR and BP was definitely elevated.
Enough of that, already. Enough.
So, I’m on the mend. The headache is much less than before, and I’m feeling more functional than last weekend, for sure. It does make me feel better, to have identified what the heck causes the misery. It lets me do something about… which I do.
As always… Onward!
I found a great article today, talking about an NFL veteran’s reaction to the movie Concussion:
To me and other former football players, things that occur normally in all people’s lives–like forgetting a name or where the car is parked, getting upset with a spouse, or having difficulty controlling an impulse — can feel similar to the startling sound, eerie shadow, or unexpected footprint foreshadowing a confrontation with the movie’s villain.
This is absolutely consistent with the experiences of so many TBI survivors. Those little glitches that “everyone has” take on added significance, and that actually adds to the problem. Our senses are heightened, our stress levels, too, and with that comes a spiraling effect — problems which are troubling in and of themselves, become even moreso when you see them as tips of a field of icebergs lying in wait to sink your proverbial ship.
It’s a vicious cycle, no doubt. And while the movie Concussion has raised awareness, I think it’s also had its drawbacks — namely, it’s a couple of hours of dire warnings, followed by a mad marketing blitz of “awareness raising” around all manner of advice, products, solutions, etc — many of which cost a fair amount of money, many of which are absolutely untested by anyone who’s even remotely independent.
It’s the perfect storm for a whole new market — concussion prevention and awareness. And it’s got the perfect target audience: parents who are concerned for their kids’ safety and who will pay any amount of money to protect (or treat) their kids from concussion.
While I do believe it’s so very important to raise awareness and educate, the whole “protection” business strikes me as just a bit mob-like. Think about the protection business in organized crime — it’s made clear to a store owner or someone who lives in a certain neighborhood that things are dangerous there, but for a fee, some designated individuals will protect you from that danger. Whether the danger is real or not (or existed before the protectors showed up), is debatable. But the fact of the matter is, once you pay your money and do so regularly, things get calmer and you can go back to your regular business.
Marketing so often plays that same game — and some industries, too. Take, for example, the “flu drama” we experience every winter. When I was growing up, people got the flu. Sometimes, if they were weak or very old or very young, they got seriously ill. Some of the weakest, oldest, and youngest, did die. But it wasn’t portrayed as this plague-like threat that promises to sink Western Civilization and plunge our nation into bankrupted chaos. However, now that we have expensive flu medicines, along with flu shots (which are highly controversial), suddenly, there’s a FLU SEASON, and we’re continually inundated with flu med commercials, from the time of first frost, till Memorial Day.
Making people afraid of being sick is really good for business. And making people afraid of getting hurt, is too. Especially when there are so many new products and services available to consume.
Anyway, it’s been a challenging couple of days, so I’ll wrap up. I’ve had a lot of headaches, as well as trouble sleeping and keeping to a schedule. Fatigue, blurriness, mental fog… Being off my schedule for a week and a half, while refreshing, had its own set of challenges. And now I’m transitioning back into the flow.
In the end, I think the discussions are helpful about concussion, and I am very happy that people are getting a clue about the issues that often come with repeat head trauma. It’s my hope that people will continue to discuss, rather than just getting freaked out, purchasing a product, and then expecting someone else to manage the risk for them.
When we give up our autonomy and trust folks who are not trustworthy, that’s a recipe for trouble. Especially for the kids who are put in harm’s way.
I need to find a new PCP – soon. My doctor, who I really liked a lot, and who worked with me better than anyone else I’ve ever met, passed away last September. I am still on the books with the practice, and I was seen by the doc who runs the practice, who I do not like at all. When I was trying to get clearance for neuropsychological testing, I had to be seen by a neurologist, and the doc who runs the practice is the local “gatekeeper” for referrals.
My insurance at the time was terrible for mental health/neuro things, so I had to get special permission from my hospital system — and that gatekeeper tried to stop me from finding a specialist in a nearby city. They wanted me to stay within their provider network. It’s great requirement for the business side of the hospital system (they nearly went bankrupt, 10 years ago), but it is a terrible idea for patients who need specialized help that can be found quite easily at locations less than an hour away.
So, I’m not a fan of that doctor. I’m not sure if they realize how much I detest them — I didn’t let it show, when they gave me my annual physical last fall — but I hope I never need to explain that to them.
I just need to move on.
Additionally, I have to find a new neuropsychologist, as my current one is retiring in a few months. I’m pretty anxious about this, because I completely lucked out that I connected with them at all. They have offered to help me find someone new, but in the past, they’ve been pretty unreliable, and they’ve also steered me towards people who just weren’t good matches for me.
So, I’ve got to start that process again. The last time I went through it, it was stressful and somewhat traumatic. Insulting. Humiliating. Depressing.
But that was over 8 years ago, when I was still in a pretty dense fog from my TBI in 2004. That’s changed. I’ve changed. I can do this… I have to keep reminding myself.
Because I sometimes forget.
Anyway, it’s turning out to be a decent day. Time to get out in it and have some fun!
I hate to admit it, but for the past month or so, I haven’t felt like myself. That is, the self that I had come to know myself to be, over the past years… the self I had trained myself to become — and to notice.
I’m not whining about it. I just need to go on record, so I remember it later. Not all is hunky-dory, and I’ve spent an awful lot of time masking all this and keeping myself from thinking too-too much about it. That’s counter-productive. I hate hearing myself talk about what’s wrong, but I need to be aware when things are not ideal, so I can do something about it.
I haven’t got time right now to chronicle everything I am doing to address these issues, so for now, I’m just going on record.
Lately, I’ve felt like things are unraveling… starting back in September when my PCP died, and the only doctor I ever felt comfortable with was gone forever.
Then in October came the announcement that the company I work for is being acquired, and all the assumptions and plans I had about my future (going back to school, getting my degree, staying on there until I could finally retire)… that all became incredibly tenuous.
Then in November my neuropsychologist tells me that they’re retiring this coming spring, and the one working relationship I’ve ever had with anyone who didn’t make fun of me or treat me like there was something wrong with me when they simply didn’t understand, suddenly got an expiration date.
The car needed a couple thousand dollars of repairs over Thanksgiving, and my bank started warning me that I was low on funds.
And then in December I find out there will be layoffs, and I and my group barely missed being cut. Someone I really depended on for advanced technical support got laid off, so now I’m sorta kinda hung out to dry, in one respect.
It’s just been a heck of an end of the year.
At least my spouse and I are reasonably healthy (aside from some nasty colds — knock wood), and we’ve had no other calamities. But piece by piece, some of the main supports I’ve been relying on, have been removed.
I guess it’s time to find new ones.
And it’s been strange. I haven’t really felt like myself for over a month. I’ve been a lot more on edge, blowing up more at my spouse, getting confused and disoriented at work. At Thanksgiving time, I was balancing between completely losing it and letting off very controlled bursts of angry steam. And while I’ve rarely been a real Christmassy kind of person, this year especially I just haven’t been in the mood. The weather has been strange, but after the absolutely sh*tty winter we had last year, I don’t care that it’s going to be warm and sunny on Christmas Day. That’s this Friday, and, well, it can come and go, for all I care.
I just don’t feel like myself. Nothing seems worthwhile, and in all honesty, the only thing that brings me total satisfaction is trapping the mice in my basement. I rigged up several traps on a little ledge where I’ve seen them run in the past, and I’ve caught four of them, so far. I have a feeling I’ll be trapping all the mice in the neighborhood, by the time all is said and done, because my garage is not very well sealed, and I’ve seen them come in through gaps in the trim. Right in front of me. Brazen.
Well, now those little brazen bastards are getting dead. And while I do feel pang of quasi-Buddhist regret that I’ve taken a life, I do NOT feel regret that these creatures aren’t running amok through my basement. I figure, I’m releasing them to their next incarnation — just speeding up the cycle of life for these rodents.
It’s not the death that appeals to me. It’s the yes-no, success-failure, instant gratification of seeing that at least something I’ve done is working. It’s basic. It’s primal. And I’m managing to successfully defend my castle against at least some maruaders.
I just wish I felt more like myself, instead of being shaky and tired and disoriented and prone to error. I’m spaced out, a lot of the time, I feel like I have more on my head than I can handle, and while I’m sure things will be fine and I’ll be able to handle whatever comes along, it’s still tiring, and I feel like I’ve lost my mooring.
Maybe I have. Maybe I have.
I just have to get it back, I guess. It’s now officially winter, and I’m ready for it. I just want to hibernate, go underground, and maybe that’s what I’ll do, more or less. The last several months with the company change have been very chaotic and unsettling for myself and everyone at work. It’s next to impossible to make any plans, and nobody knows what the criteria are for deciding who stays and who goes. Nobody can give us any clue, either, because that might tip their cards, and everyone might just take matters into their own hands, and then the deal might fall apart.
So, hibernation (figuratively speaking) might be the best thing to do. Keep everything simple and lay low. Cut back on social media (which I have). Stop reading the news (which I must). Concentrate on what matters most to ME (not the rest of the world). And focus on the basics — eating right, exercising regularly, and doing things that appeal to me and that I love and which also make a constructive contribution to the rest of the world.
I also need to get back to dealing with the logistical issues that come up with me. Sensory issues are problematic — light and sound and touch have been giving me problems. I’m dizzy a lot — almost fell over the other day for no good reason. I’m space-out, foggy, and I feel a split-second delayed, though that could be a symptom of me still being sick. I have problems typing, and my handwriting is a mess. I skip the first letters of words while I’m writing in long-hand, which is a new one for me. My temper is short, I’m getting “snappier” than usual, and I have bouts of intense depression. And lately, the headaches are back, along with the episodes of sudden pain shooting through my head, followed by feeling dull and out of it.
But hell if I’m going to take that Imitrex. F*ck that sh*t. Talk about feeling spaced-out… I feel bad enough as it is, without adding medication to it.
So, I do my breathing exercises and get my head out of a stressed-out space, and it helps a bit. It also helps to ignore it and just get on with my life. But the headaches are getting intrusive, again, and when people like my chiro or my massage therapist ask me about them, it just irritates me, because the things they do for me don’t actually seem to help all that much, but they’re so convinced that those things are The Ticket. It’s nice that they try, and I know they want to help, but there’s nothing that seems to really Work for me. Not these days.
And trying to explain that to them is a pain in my ever-lovin’ ass. People get so sensitive and offended and frustrated when I tell them what they do is not working. No science, no tweaking their approach. Just getting irritated and frustrated — and keeping on doing the same thing as before. So, I quit saying anything. Because even when I try to explain, it doesn’t help.
It’s the classic tension between what appears to be, what people think really IS, and what my experience of things is. And that fragmented collection of disconnects makes me absolutely crazy.
That, and the fact that my weekly schedule is about to change, with my neuropsych seeing me on Fridays at noon, instead of Tuesdays at 5:30 p.m. Argh! Change! I hate it! And I hate that it makes me so unsettled. I wish it weren’t so.
But bitching about it won’t change anything. I just need to get on with my life.
My new mantra: Screw it. Onward.