Putting one foot in front of the other

footprint in sand with wave coming nearWell, this has been an interesting couple of weeks. I totally screwed something up at work, and I’ve been working overtime since the beginning of February to make it right.

It’s been so wrong, it’s been mind-boggling. How could I have screwed up that badly? Huh. It’s been a long time since I’ve done anything this egregious. In fact, I’m not sure I ever have.

But there’s a first time for everything.

Seriously, I’m surprised it didn’t happen sooner. But it was bound to happen, eventually, under the current conditions:

  • Limited sleep
  • Additional travel
  • Intense pressure
  • No management support
  • Uncooperative coworkers who don’t keep me in the loop

The whole thing is really messed up, and I ended up at the forefront of it all. The good/bad news is that there are more pieces of this Monster Project coming not far behind that will have the same kinds of problems that my part of the project did.

So, I won’t be so alone, anymore.

Not that it’s any consolation.

I was pretty torn up about the whole situation, last week. Wrecked. But I’ve acclimated to this particular failure, and now… well, I just don’t care. What it means for my future… don’t care.

They’re going to re-org us, anyway.

Some people dislike my boss, and a lot of other people dislike my boss’es boss. And chances are, they’ll interpret this failure of mine as a failure of leadership (which would be nice, to not have to take the fall for a broken system). Everybody knows I’m smarter than the person who screwed up, last week. Something else must be wrong.

Well, anyway, it’s Saturday night, and I’m exhausted. Had a full day today, after a full week. Tomorrow might give me a break. We’ll see. I’m tempted to just stay in bed all day, but that will never work. I often think about doing that, and then 20 minutes after I wake up, I can’t take just lying there anymore. So, I get up. And get out. And put one foot in front of the other.

Some days, that’s all you can do.

 

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Yeah, well, nobody ever said it would be easy…

pier and lighthouse in distance across a lakeI’m regaining my balance, after a pretty intense week. I’ve been working long hours, sitting for long hours, and that’s brought me a whole bunch of pain. On top of that, I attended a memorial service for a friend who passed, yesterday. They were very close friends with my spouse, who is taking the loss very hard. Death is never easy, but when it happens at a relatively young age, and the person taken is a central part of the community and people’s lives, it takes on a whole other dimension.

I’ve been up to my neck in one problem after another. It’s been like trying to stay afloat in the ocean during storm surges. No sooner does one wave ease up, and I catch my breath, than another one comes along.

It’s been pretty brutal on me, and having to juggle the logistics of the memorial service arrangements added to the overall stress. I was one of the people who spoke about the deceased, and I had to come up with something meaningful to say, which I did – and it was very well received. It was an honor. But it happened at a really bad time. Which, of course, I can’t control. At all. These things happen.

And I bottomed out. It was like driving down a rutted road and hearing the undercarriage of my car scrape every couple of meters. Nerve-wracking. Grueling. And I know my “miss” at work, which really screwed up the project I’ve been managing, is being taken very badly by others. Even though I’m not the only one working on it, I still seem to be getting the blame. And lo and behold, before my follow-up meeting yesterday, I was informed that my boss’es boss and his boss’es boss and his boss’es boss had a meeting. I’m quite sure they were talking about my project. How could they not? It was such a glaring failure, it’s breathtaking.

But hey, at least I go all-out, when I do things. There’s no half-measures for me.

All in all, looking at the project in whole, it occurs to me that one of the things that made my “miss” so dramatic was that I rolled it back. I pulled it back from the live website and went back to the technology that we were replacing. That doesn’t happen in the company that acquired my former employer. They roll stuff out and move on — even if it’s broken. They leave broken sh*t hang around on the website for years, and they don’t think twice about it. That will never do. And if they fire me over this, good riddance. I don’t want to work at a company that does that.

No wonder they’ve been losing close to a billion dollars a quarter. Not a million (with an “m”), but a Billion (with a “b”).  Kinda makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about why it hit me so hard, and I think the big reason was that it just wasn’t consistent with what I expect of myself. It went directly against my Sense-Of-Self, and the person I believe I am. It also went against the kind of person I present myself to be around other people. It was a flaming disconnect between Who I Am, and what I did. And I lost all sense of who I was, where I was going, and what was to become of me, in the process.

I had the same level of intense personal anxiety and despair that I had for years, after my TBI in 2004. And it was even more extreme, because I believed with all my heart that I’d gotten beyond the “lost-ness” of my past. I believed I’d trained myself out of my ineptitude, that I was keeping up, that I was on top of things. And when it turned out I wasn’t, it hit me hard.

And that’s exactly what happens to you after TBI, in general. You lose yourself. You lose connection to the person you were. And the more advanced you are, the more disorienting it can be. It can be absolutely crushing, to lose access to the Whole You that was so well trained in life, who could do things just by reflex before… but suddenly can’t manage the simplest things like tying a shoe properly or remembering more than 2 things on a shopping list.

It’s crushing. And I got crushed last week. Absolutely hammered. From the   inside, and the outside. Because I’m not supposed to do that. I’m not supposed to fail that majestically. People are relying on me to NOT screw up to the degree I did (and I fully admit it and take responsibility for that). I let them down. I let myself down. I messed up. And now I have to dig myself out of the hole I fell down.

Of course, it’s not all about me. It’s not 100% my fault. What happened was the result of an extended process of everything being supremely screwed up, and people in a position to help not doing anything — in fact, doing the opposite: withholding help, keeping me out of the loop, not communicating, not collaborating, and forcing me to do their damn’ job. I was the last best defense against those people, and I wasn’t up to the task.

So, we live and learn. I’m working my way back to firm footing, even though everyone around me (except for people in my immediate group) are backing away from me like I’m anathema.

Well, good riddance. They’re part of what’s made the company lose so much money over the past years, and losing their allegiance is no loss to me at all.

Life goes on. Some days are better than others. Some years are better than others. This year is off to a crappy start. So it goes. Here’s hoping it gets better. If it doesn’t, it won’t be for lack of my trying.

when things fall down

things are pretty much falling down for me, these days

i don’t want to complain, and i’ve done enough commenting about how things have been developing for me, over the past years

unfortunately, the things that i’ve poured myself into have not panned out

and it seems like pretty much of a waste

i’m not sure what the point is, in doing all of this

no matter how hard i try, things don’t seem to ever turn out the way i plan, or even the way i need

maybe in the short-term, it looks like it, but over the long term… nope

all the things that looked like they were doing great — it’s all very precarious and fragile, and it doesn’t take much to wreck something that took years to build up

so why bother building it up?

seriously, why bother? if everything is so precarious and so easily wrecked, why sink a lot of time into it?

it doesn’t make a lot of sense to me

so, i’m backing off on my investment in a lot of things around me

there’s too much that’s out of my hands and beyond my control

i have no use for people who set me up for failure, and i have no use for people who sit by and don’t lend a helping hand and watch others slip into oblivion

i have no use for people who profit from others’ failures

which means i have no use for a lot of the people in my life, these days

everybody wants something, yes

and what do i get in the bargain?

everything is falling down for me, right now

and i don’t even know if i care

I don’t have to do a thing… everything changes for me

In years gone by, I had a terrible time sticking with a job for longer than a year or two. I’d get so overwhelmed and exhausted, I’d have to leave before people figured out that I was, in fact, overwhelmed and exhausted.

I’ve had a tough time sticking with this current job, too. And now it seems like I’m going to get a reprieve from the monotony of same-old-same-old, because apparently the company is being sold… again.

It’s only been a few years, since they shuffled us from one company to another. From what I hear, there were a lot of layoffs. I haven’t been personally impacted, other than losing a couple of people who were occasionally really helpful to me. And I certainly haven’t had my world rocked by restructuring, the way others have.

But this time might turn out to be pretty significant.

Or not.

It’s impossible to tell.

All I know is, the change I’ve been craving is right around the corner, most likely.

We’ll see how this goes…

Onward.

Being realistic about my next steps

I need to be realistic about how I piece things together. There’s a lot to consider, and I’m not doing myself any favors by deluding myself.

I had a good conversation with a recruiter the other day about a new job opportunity that sounds like it would be a pretty good fit for me. Well, partially, anyway.

I tend to get so focused on Making Things Work that I can lose sight of whether or not I really should make something work.

In this case, the positive parts of the job opportunity quickly took precedence. The job involves leading a team of web developers and redesigning a website that’s in need of an update, and having long-term prospects at a local company – instead of having to travel across the country on a regular basis just to remind people I exist. And those parts sound really appealing to me.

The thing is, when I checked out the website I’d be working on, and I checked out the company, I realized I’d be starting a really awful commute. It would take me into the thick of some of the worst traffic in the region, on a daily basis.

Also, I’ve never been a huge fan of the technology they use. I’m not sure I want to be using it, each and every day. Especially after a long commute from home, in terrible weather.

So, the shine has kind of worn off the opportunity. And I’ll probably respond to the recruiter that I’m not interested because of the commute. Right now, my commute is relatively easy, and I can work from home pretty much when I like. Plus, I get a week off between Christmas and New Years, so that’s huge. Paid time off that doesn’t count against my vacation time. I know it’s concession bribe from the Overlords to keep us happy, but it works. It does make me happy.

Anyway, I have to be really realistic about what will work for me. Diving into a whole new work situation that involves more driving and (probably) more frantic activity, politicking, and is pretty much of an unknown… That’s not the right move for me, right now. It makes no sense to get a better job that makes my life worse. It’s supposed to help me all across the board, not cut into my quality of life, for a few more dollars.

While I’ve never been a huge fan of “embracing my limitations”, this is one situation where it only makes sense to be realistic and not indulge in that against-all-odds thinking that I CAN DO THIS!!! Other people can fight the odds and prove They Can Do It!

I really just want my life back.

Onward.

Settling in for the winter

snow covered buildings
I’m actually looking forward to this

It’s going to get cold this weekend. Low double-digits, so I hear.

Good. I prefer the cold weather. I sleep better when my bedroom is cold and I have a lot of blankets on top of me.

I also prefer being cold and warming up with exercise and movement, versus being hot and not being able to get cool. It’s a lot easier to get warm, than to cool down.

Plus, I love the snow.

Good thing. Because I hear we’re going to get a lot of it this winter.

So it goes.

The time change is doing me good. It’s never easy to change up my schedule and routine, but the “fall back” really helps me. It gives me an extra hour in the morning to go about my own business before I dive into work. And I like having it dark-ish, versus having a lot of intrusive sunlight that I can’t get away from.

I rest better when it’s dark.

I sleep better when it’s pitch black.

And when I sleep better, everything gets better.

I’ve been sleeping pretty well, the time change notwithstanding. I’m tired when I go to bed, and I sleep soundly. Even if I wake up in the middle of the night, I can get myself back to bed. And when I wake up, I’m up. I might not always feel 100% refreshed, but I do feel ready for the day.

Especially lately. For some reason, I’ve been feeling more ready for the day, than I have in a long time. And I’m feeling more engaged in what I’m doing, than I’ve felt for a while. This massive deadline that’s looming… it’s going to come and go. And life will go on.

The Main Project I’ve been working on has been rocky and problematic for nearly a year. And there’s a lot of stuff that has just dropped off — including things we really needed to not drop off. At this point, my life is all about just getting to the finish line, tallying up all the stuff that didn’t get done properly, and then doing due diligence afterward to make sure that it all gets reported, and we find a way – somehow – to tie up the loose ends.

I’m working with a lot of people who don’t care about loose ends. All they care about is getting to the finish line, regardless of how it all turns out. That’s unfortunate. But there’s only so much I can do. And I’m not going to ruin my peace of mind over other people’s laxness and refusal to do what needs to be done.

I’m not wrecking my health over this. That would be silly and counter-productive. I’m taking care of myself, protecting my health and state of mind. Doing what I need to do, to stay level and stable. And not getting irrationally caught up in pipe dreams that any of this is going to change dramatically for the better.

I’m putting my resume out there, but nothing is happening. Not a thing.

I definitely need to expand my skillset and refresh some of my abilities. That’s something I can focus on this winter, while I figure out my next steps. It’s probably for the best that I’m not finding another situation quickly. It gives me pause… forces me to reconsider my approach and be more realistic about what I can expect from the job market.

And what I want to do with myself.

I’ve got a lot of insecurity about whether or not I can do it — when I fell in 2004, I lost my ability to focus for extended periods of time, to remember things, even to read and retain what I read. That’s changed dramatically over the past several years, and I’m starting to feel like I can get back on my feet with learning and practicing and re-honing the skills I used to use all the time.

I can use the winter to do this. Now that summer is past, all that frantic running around has tapered off, and the nights are getting longer, I can concentrate. And so I shall. One day at a time. One exercise at a time. One experience at a time… settle in. Get to work. Stead on.

Onward.

The 5th of July

US FlagHappy Belated Independence Day, everyone. I hope you had a good one. And thank you to all the veterans and other public servants who dedicate their lives to making this country what it is today.

The 5th of July is much more significant to me, because — like other things in life — after the fireworks are over, the parades are all done, and the excitement of the celebration is a fading memory, the reality of our situation sets back in again.

And we have to do the daily work of just living in this world.

It’s not glamorous. We don’t get trophies and medals for just showing up, each day, and the mundanity of the everyday can get to be a little much. Plus, today it’s raining. We need the rain. We’re lucky. I can think of a lot of people in this country who would do just about anything for some rain. And I wish I could send it to them. But I can’t. All I can do is give thanks that we’re getting some today.

And also be thankful that it didn’t happen all weekend to trash my days off.

Well, even if it had, that would have been fine, because I laid low all weekend. I was working on my skills. Building on some of my old “muscle memory” for things I used to do on a daily basis. I did a pretty good job, but I also got a little turned around and ended up messing up a bunch of stuff. But that’s good. Trial and error is how I learn. And the worse the mistakes I make, the better I learn.

Plus, these are all things that I’m just doing for myself, by myself. It’s not like I’m getting paid to do them (yet).

Now it’s back to work. I didn’t get any emails from coworkers over the long weekend, which is a miracle. Then again, a lot of folks are laying low and not putting 100% into their jobs, because they don’t know if we’re going to have jobs in a few months. Our collective focus seems to be on the future, not the present, with everyone kind of checked out about our current jobs.

Nobody seems to particularly care. Some people are trying — working overtime — and others are rolling their eyes behind their backs, because they are clearly trying too hard. And some of the “keeners” (those folks who are so “keen” on doing their best) are some of the least appreciated and most dismissed people around. I guess it makes sense that they’d be trying so hard… but then again, nobody knows what the heck is going to become of all of us, eventually, so most of us are just taking a break from our Uber-Alpha Type-A schtick.

So, la la la. What-ever. I’m sure we’ll find out what’s happening to us, eventually. For now, most of us are just puttering on through, waiting for… something… to happen. But some of us are looking well into the future and planning our next moves. I’m doing that. I printed out a list of things I need to study up on and practice, before I make my move. And by the time the fall rolls around (I’m hoping I get to hold out till then), I’ll have that much more skilled accomplishment under my belt. And I can make my move — on my own terms.

Onward.

Getting my plans together

These things happen
These things happen

So, yesterday, when my boss cancelled our bi-weekly 1:1 meeting for next week, I could have taken it a number of different ways:

  1. They are really busy.
  2. They will be out of the office.
  3. I’m getting laid off.
  4. They’re getting laid off.
  5. They’re going to be so busy dealing with everything around the layoffs, that they won’t have time for me.
  6. I’m transferring to another group and won’t be reporting to them anymore.
  7. They just have a conflict that day, so we can meet another time.

Honestly, any of the above could be true. And I’m prepared for just about any eventuality. I have been looking through my files for projects I originally intended to complete in the next 2 years, but I put aside because this job is taking all my time. And if I do get laid off, I’m at no loss for what to do. I really hope that happens, provided I receive comfortable safety net of at least 6 months’ pay and insurance coverage to carry me through. I just don’t want my spouse to worry — as they always do, anyway. But I don’t want to give them any more reason to be concerned.

I really do have a ton of stuff I need to get done, and having a few months off will go a long way towards clearing the decks. It will also give me lots of time to gear up for the next phase of my work. The job I’ve been in, has been interesting. But it’s also shown me what I do not want to do — I’d rather not have to deal with people. I want to deal with data. Numbers. Patterns. People make me crazy, and I get tired of being all social ‘n’ sh*t.

Numbers and patterns and algorithms, on the other hand…

Anyway, things should be interesting at work today. I think it’s going to be very quiet. I hear people openly discussing their concerns — especially folks who are older. I’m 50, so that puts me in the cross-hairs. Who the hell is going to keep me on, with my senior-level salary, when they can get people literally half my age, who are much more hip and attuned to the latest trends?

Who indeed?

Please-please-please lay me off, with a tasty severance package. I’ll do fine. I promise.

But they keep me around, that’s fine, too. That just limits how much I can do at any given time and it focuses me. It just pushes out my timeline by 6 months or so. Possibly a year. But the main project I have in mind… that’ll keep. There’s no rush on it. But it’s ready right here and now, if I can devote my full time and attention to it.

Good lord. And here, I thought that I was all set. The job has been great, and I’ve really been enjoying it, for the most part. I thought I was set for at least the next five years, since people either stay on for a long time or they go after a relatively short time. I feel like one of those people who could be around for a long time. But that might not happen.

OR…. it may happen, and in another five years, I’ll be blogging about my job and how it’s going.

Whatever happens, this is a time of change and transition. I need to find another neuropsych, and I’m putting together my list of requirements for them. I feel like I’m writing a job description to interview people, and maybe I am. It’s a big deal for me. I have a number of areas I want to work on, and my current neuropsych doesn’t have the orientation I need, in order to move forward. They don’t seem to think it’s a good idea for me to be “Type A”, but you know what? That’s how I am, so being any other way just doesn’t do it for me.

I need to get back to that. I’ve been stabilizing myself, getting my head in order, for nearly 8 years, now, and it’s been good. I’ve overcome a tremendous amount of obstacles in my thinking and attitudes, rebuilding capabilities and executive function that have really set me in the right direction.

Now I have a solid foundation – including with my professional life – which gives me a springboard for jumping ahead to where I really want to go.

And it’s all good. None of this can be bad.

What may come, will come. La la.

I’ve got work to do.

Onward.

 

Or… I could have fun with it

roller-coasterWhat a roller coaster. One day, we’re up. The next we’re down.

Sigh.

I started out yesterday feeling pretty great. Then came the speed bump.

My employer announced its quarterly numbers about a week ago, and they just missed their projected numbers by a smidge. But they still missed.

So, yesterday we found out that our bonuses will be affected by the shortfall, and there are a lot of unhappy campers walking around. The holidays are coming, and there’s going to be a little less Christmas cheer for some.

The crazy thing is, I’d bet good money that none of the people actually responsible for running the company will have their personal financial situation affected. A lot of them have a ton of money, already, so even if they do share in the bonus payout reduction, they won’t feel even a 10% drop — whereas the rest of us “on the ground” have a very different story to tell.

I think it would be much more fair for the people in charge of the big decisions to take the hit, rather than passing it along to us. It just feels like a sort of punishment. And that on top of the ongoing negotiations about the company being acquired… It’s all very exciting.

And my back and hips are killing me, because the chair they gave me is for sh*t… and I have been sitting too much. I used to have a self-constructed standup desk at my old office.  Four cases of seltzer water with a shelf on top. I think I’ll reconstruct that. I have the room in my new cubicle, and it’s the exact right height for me. We’ll see. I do have a shelf that’s the right height, as well, so maybe I don’t need to reconstruct it.  Bottom line is, I need to be standing, not sitting. Sitting is bringing the pain.

So, my bonus is messed up, I have no idea if I’ll have this job in another 6-8 months, and people around me are getting tweaked… emotionally needy… upset… And it’s just the beginning. The acquisition/merger won’t be done for some months, yet, so we’ve got a ways to go. There are a number of acquisitions and mergers going on in the tech world, right now. Some of them have epic proportions. All these people being moved around and nudged/pushed out of their comfort zones…. It’s like the whole world is in flux.

But at least I’m not in the dire straits that people in the Middle East and Africa are. All those people being displaced… Holy crap, it’s just crazy.

In the midst of it all, I can count my blessings, which is fortunate. And I am actually in a really good space. I have a line of work that I love so much, I do it in my spare time. I just love it, and it really is a natural progression of my skills, abilities, and interests. Compared to where I was, just a year ago, my situation is much more stable — and this, in spite of being on the verge of possible displacement.

The thing that’s more stable is my prospects of employment. I have a killer skillset, with the right kind of experience at the right kinds of companies (home-grown global corporate success stories that everybody in the region knows about and respects). And my skills are portable across a number of different industries, so that bodes well for my ongoing employment. I’m less concerned about working for only one company for the long term. That’s never actually been my ideal. I’m much more concerned about staying viable — especially as I’m getting older in a field where employers favor people who are 20 years younger than myself. And the happy fact is that my skills and abilities are still very much in-demand, and they meet a lot of needs very neatly.

No need to “shoehorn” myself into a position – I’m flexible enough to fit in a lot of places, which has really been my goal all along. While I do love the work I do for a living, and I do it on my own time as well, I still have a lot of other interests that I need to pursue without financial pressure. I have research to do and writing to do. I have blog posts to write. And I need to do that all without having to worry about where my next meal is coming from. That kind of stress is a killer.

So, I’m looking on the bright side and just having fun with things. I had a dark time on Sunday, when all the excitement of the past week caught up with me, and I started to sink into that dismal place where I didn’t feel like going on. At all. Of course, I had to, because I had things I needed to take care of, but I just didn’t feel like it. And that, after feeling so strong and clear for many days…. depressing.

But I took it easy, got some rest, and yesterday looked very different to me. Today looks different, as well. I’m getting back on track, having fun with things, and really digging into my work. I have no idea what they will be doing with me or anyone else on my team, in the future, so I’m just “doing my thing” and doing the work that’s meaningful to me — and also valuable in the market. I’m doing my research via online job boards, to see who’s paying the most — and for what types of work/skills/interests.

I know I’m supposed to follow my bliss, but it’s a lot easier to be blissful, if you have a roof over your head and a belly full of nutritious food and a healthy body… not to mention hope for the future.

I do have all of the above, and I plan to keep it that way. It hasn’t been easy, and if I didn’t work at it, I could easily be in very different straits. But I don’t feel like struggling and hassling with basic survival things, so I’m laser-focused on finding where I can improve… and doing just that. It’s all trial-and-error-and-success. And some days I have huge setbacks.

Today, I can see how all my setbacks can set me up for a better future.

Every piece of info I get about how I screwed up is valuable. It gives me more info about how to move forward in a different way. Story of my life. My mistakes are my own — and they can be the most valuable possessions I have. When I realize that, it frees me up to do more things.

And have fun with it all, as best I can.

Onward.

Ironically, the most qualified people got cut

Here’s a weird thing that’s oddly validating to me.

In the recent layoffs, the people who got cut are the most qualified folks in the bunch. One has a Ph.D. and the other has a long string of letters after their name, from all the different certifications they’ve gotten over the years.

Another person got let go, too, but they just don’t add that much to the mix.

But I’m still here.And I’m told I’m “safe”. I’m not sure that’s ever true, but I’ll take it, for the time being.

The thing about this whole round of layoffs is that it just goes to show how important it is to make your best effort, to do your best to add to the team, and to really work well with people, regardless of their “level”. I believe I’m the strongest “utility player” in the bunch, with a lot of varied skills and interests, and a willingness to do what needs to be done.

At least one of the folks who got cut, has a superiority complex and loves to lecture people about, well, everything. Not much of a team player, that one. They get a bit tiresome.

The other one is nice enough, however they don’t really stand out as someone who goes out of their way to produce results. They’re nice, but they seem to think their education is going to pave their way.

Anyway, it could also be because I’m a bargain, and I’m not paid as much as the others, so I’m easier to keep around. But I also know that I’m on good terms with everyone who wants to be on good terms with me, and people really enjoy working with me.

I’m fun.

Maybe that’s why they keep me around… 😉

Anyway, who can say? It’s the weekend. Time to focus on my own work.