New season, new ways

Handle stress better with these exercises – click the picture to learn more

So, I’ve started to begin my days with a new routine — getting up and doing some meridian exercises, to get my internal energy flowing better. I’ve also been lifting weights. I haven’t been doing so much riding of the exercise bike, because I get headaches when I really push it, and then I feel bad the rest of the day.

At the same time, I still need to get my energy going in the morning, and this new routine seems to be doing the trick.

I found a book of meridian exercises for self-healing, and I’ve been doing all-over-body patting, as well as stretching exercises to get my “chi” moving. Then I lift weights for a little bit… have my breakfast of a banana, toast, butter-coffee… and I’m ready to start the day.

With everything going on, what’s become very clear to me, is that I need to improve my energy, my stamina, my ability to hold up under stress and strain. It’s no good, if I buckle under the pressures that are around me. Life is going to do what it will, so I need to strengthen myself to face up to it.

We all have within us massive stores of energy, and we can also draw energy from the world around us – if we simply let it flow. We get blocked up and stop the energy from coming in and going out and moving freely through our systems. And then things start to fall down. They start to come apart. That’s where I was last week, when I had my crisis with my spouse. What became so very clear to me, was that I was missing the opportunity to access all the energy that’s around me. And I needed to find a way to get to it, to use it, and to make the most of every situation, no matter how hard it might appear.

It’s no good for me to be falling apart — and it’s no good for me to be wrecking my rare vacations by melting down. I can’t let it all get to me the way I did last week, and I’m determined to keep my act together better than ever.

I also realize how much pressure I put on myself to achieve. It’s like I still have the old Type-A personality, but my abilities are different now, than before. I still use stress and pressure to wake myself up, but I don’t have a balanced enough approach to it, and I get tired… and end up using more stress and pressure (and sugar and caffeine and junk food) to keep myself moving.

And I need to factor that in. Over the past few days, I’ve been longing for the “good old days” when I could still do programming and learn new languages easily. That’s not the case anymore. None of it makes sense to me the way it used to, and it’s depressing as sh*t. So, I need to get that out of my head and focus on things that matter to me now. And that I can do now. And that give me good quality energy, not the adrenaline-rush of stress and pressure, which ultimately bogs me down.

The days are getting shorter, and fall is definitely on the way. I do feel more energy these days than I have in a long time, and I credit the exercises for that. I’m also taking the pressure of myself for the projects I’ve got going — somehow, they ballooned into massive undertakings that “had the potential to be huge”. For some reason, I’m always thinking BIG, which is fine — except when it involves every single aspect of my life, making my existence into a total slog through mud.

I invent the pressure for myself — I think to keep myself actively engaged in my life. But it tends to get blown way out of proportion, in many, many aspects. And my quality of life goes to hell. And for what?

Well, anyway, I’ve gotten a head-start on the day, checking in with work early, so I can get some questions answered by colleagues over in  Europe. It’s been about four months, since I had regular dealings with colleagues in Europe — in my last job, it was most of what I did, but in this new job, there hasn’t been much of that. Now I’m getting more integrated with the European crowd — and also folks in Asia. So, that old routine is coming back — but this time with more sanity, and more of a collegial sense. In my last job, there was a lot of antagonism between the US and everyone else, and it wasn’t helpful. In this job, there’s a very collegial feel, although there is some naturally occurring cross-cultural tension. Different ways of doing things… But I’m very comfortable with the European ways of working and structuring things, so that’s a big help.

Who knows? I may even get to do some international travel. This time it will be very different, though, because I have past experience under very trying circumstances. So, the second time around promises to be better. At least, that’s what I’m hoping.

Anyway, as the seasons change, I am more focused on really strengthening myself from within, to handle whatever comes my way. I now feel at peace with my surroundings, for the most part, and that’s because I’m putting the focus on taking care of myself, strengthening my system, keeping stable and firm under challenging circumstances. Everything I do in my life, I consider a training for something else to come later, so really bringing focus to it and doing my best, no matter what, is my #1 Priority.

That being said, it’s time to get ready for work and head into my next stage of the day. I’ve had a productive morning, already, and this job is turning out to be pretty darned cool. Instead of being pressed to produce-produce-produce, racing the clock on limited resources and never enough time… I’m getting paid to manage projects at a higher level and motivate my team members. And so far, it’s working out well.

Even when things are very tough, it’s still good. It’s very good, indeed.

Back from vacation, and doing things differently

Rowing through the fifth circle of hell – anger

So, my “vacation” was quite different from expected. My spouse got really sick, so I spent the bulk of the time taking care of them, running errands, and making sure they stayed fed and were headed in the right direction – towards recovery.

I did almost nothing that I had planned. I had thought I’d have time to do some writing, but to be honest, when I was there, I didn’t want to do anything other than just roam around, take long walks, and explore parts of the nearby national park I hadn’t seen in years.

One thing became very, very clear to me, while I was away — I have let myself get too complacent, too lax, too mellow. The net result of my chilling out, has been putting on some pounds and also losing my stamina. Keeping up with everything when my spouse is “holding invalid court” — as a sick person who needs to be waited on like some sort of royalty — is NOT easy work. It’s pretty draining, if I don’t stay on top of things.

So, it was pretty rough. But that’s not because of all the demands. The fact is, I am not in as good shape as I need to be, and all the running and juggling (figuratively speaking) showed me where I need to improve. I used to do all this — and a whole lot more — as a matter of course, each and every day. But over the past number of years, as I’ve focused more on taking care of myself and making sure I didn’t get overrun by the craziness of my employer(s), spouse, and TBI recovery, I’ve lost my edge.

And I need it back.

I’ve gotten way too lax about things, and I’ve “let myself go”, for the sake of just enjoying myself and taking things as they come. But you know what? That’s not me. I am by nature a very “on” person, who needs some “off” time on a regular basis to recharge. I’m not meant to be an “off” person who occasionally “turns on” to kick into gear. I need to stay active and involved in my life — to live my life to the fullest, and really keep my energy high. If I don’t, the feeling seems to backfire, and I end up having a whole lot of energy “double back” on itself… it eats me alive.

So, I need to live. And live fully. Not with panic, not with anxiety, but fully alive.

Just kicking back has become a way of life for me, which is not good at all. I’ve gotten into that habit in part because of my past job that had me commuting so much every day. It’s tough to stay active and engaged, when you start and end your day with an hour’s worth of driving. What a horrible life-suck that was.

All that sitting got me tightened up — my muscles, my fascia, my mind — and I was so full of resentment and anger that I had to continually manage, to keep it from wrecking my life — that I got sucked into a downward spiral that shot me straight into the doldrums, where I languished. Hoping against hope that something would change. Eventually it did, but what a miserable time that was.

It was like renting a room in Dante’s Fifth Circle of Hell — Anger — and not being able to get the money together to move out to a better place, and having to make the best of it by getting to know my neighbors, have some barbecues, hang out… you know, make the best of it, all the while wishing to God something would give.

It didn’t give. For three long years. And it really was hell.

Now I’ve been out of that world for three months, and I’m starting to normalize… get my balance back… remember what is important to me. I don’t have to put all my energy into dealing with the emotional flack of a horrible workplace, barely being able to function on the weekends, just spending all my free time languishing like a glorious lump.

I can start putting my energy into the healthy things again. And I can get back to my practice — my martial arts of living.

Over the week when I was balancing work and vacation and my spouse’s illness, it became clear to me that I needed a better way of handling their mental illness. They have suffered from panic/anxiety and depression for almost 20 years, and it has wreaked havoc with their life. All the while, they have been unable to admit that they had a real problem, and that it was hurting them. They have treated it like it was protective for them — living less of a life was keeping them safe from untold dangers. I know where that comes from — their childhood, and also their family story, which is all about unseen threats which must be managed.

Over the years, I have dealt more or less effectively with their mental illness, seeing to various degrees, the depth of their dysfunction. I actually dealt with it pretty well, from the start, even when they were absolutely nuts with anger and rage and fear and a seething cauldron of hyper-fight-flight reactions to everything, including their own shadow. I could keep my own attention trained on my own activities and issues, and I could steer myself (and sometimes them) in a better direction.

Over the years, I’ve had my own issues to deal with, and many of them have been really hard for my spouse to deal with. The old anger, the rigidity in my own mindsets, my outbursts and unpredictability… I was a real piece of work, I can tell you. I’ve been brain-injured a number of times, which made me incredibly difficult to deal with, when I was tired or overwhelmed (which was a lot of the time).

But we had a kind of balance going on, that worked for both of us.

Then I fell in 2004, and everything came to a head. Everything really fell apart, and we were on the verge of breaking apart after 14 years. I didn’t even realize it, at the time. I was really out of it, had no idea what was going on with me.

Anyway, what I realize now is that things have often sucked with us, from day one. But the things that have been good, have been well worth all the suckiness. It’s like the suckfulness didn’t even matter, because the good was more than enough to offset everything. Plus, no marriage is perfect, so was I going to just ditch the love of my life because not everything was idyllic all the time? Nope. I dealt with it.

And now I need to deal with it again. I need to deal with my spouse’s demons, their mental illness, their panic and anxiety and encroaching dementia, with a form of martial art. Keep calm, keep centered, and be ready to deal with the demons that threaten to attack. They are very real demons, and making light of them doesn’t serve me at all. Denying that they exist doesn’t help. And avoiding confronting them is the worst thing I can do.

I need to deal with this. Because try as they might, my spouse has limits, and there are things they just refuse to do for themself that will make things better. They’re trying, yes. They’re really trying. But the demons are always there in the background, with an eye out to get hold of me, too.

They’re greedy demons — panic, anxiety, fear, aggression. They feed on the energy of others, and how they love to feed. They are insatiable, and they will stop at nothing, till they get what they need. I can’t forget that they exist. I’m not saying I have to live in fear. Far from it. I just need to live with awareness, and figure out how to keep my own essence safe and protected, while the demons swirl around, seeking madness.

It can be done. And I’ve been working out, first thing in the morning, for the past four days, strengthening myself and doing exercises to stir up my stagnant “chi” and get good energy flowing in me. It’s helping. And I need to stay with it, not get bored and go do something else, when it all feels too familiar and boring.

Life is waiting. Get strong. Be smart.

Onward.

Taking good care of myself

Sometimes….

Well, my spouse has done it again. We were supposed to leave for our vacation today around noon, and now they tell me that they’re not going to ready in time. They may — may — get up by 11:00.

That’s pretty disappointing. But then again, we are taking two cars, so I’m not going to be dragged down by their sluggishness. I have to come back home on Sunday night in order to be at the office from Monday through Wednesday. Wednesday night, I’ll head back out to the condo we’re renting, a few hours from home, and I’ll work remotely in the morning on Thursday and Friday, then take afternoons off.

I’m not sure why this “change in plans” surprises me so much. Maybe because my spouse is picking up another friend to join us for a few days, and that friend’s family is going out of their way to drop them off half-way. It seems incredibly unfair to everyone (except my spouse), that everyone’s schedules need to be re-jiggered to accommodate them. People have better things to do, than wait around to find out when they should leave the house.

If anything, it seems a bit sociopathic on my spouse’s part – like nothing matters except them and their own wishes and needs. Then again, they do have neurological issues, as well as some cognitive impairment and possible dementia, so they may not even realize that they’re being selfish. The whole neurological decline thing is a real drain, and if you forget what’s going on with them, it can be maddening. When they’re challenged, they get really angry right off the bat, possibly because they get scared at being caught unawares and not being able to think right away. They lash out and yell and threaten and cry and so forth. On the one hand, some people think they’re being manipulative, but I think it’s also a sign of cognitive decline. They really do get scared — and then they use their anger and blustering to stop me from saying or doing anything else… and that way they buy some time to catch up.

The thing is, once they get past their hemming and hawing and blow-harding, they re-orient themself to what’s happening, and then they calm down and can carry on a usual conversation.

The main thing for me is to not take things personally and get really upset when they start acting out. That happens all too often, and I forget that they’ve got cognitive issues. I take it personally and get so upset and bent out of shape — everything balloons in my mind, till the argument is not about what’s happening right in front of me, it’s about everything and anything that’s possibly related to my frustration at that point in time. My own brain goes haywire, too, so we feed off each other — and not in a good way.

Fortunately, I am getting better about checking in with myself and telling if I’m starting to get too wound up. Then I can back off — just walk away and cool off, and give us both a chance to simmer down. It’s just both our brains going haywire, and we both get scared. And we lash out. It gets to be a little much, to tell the truth, and some days I just despair about that downward cycle. But if I can step away and have some time to myself and get enough rest, that helps.

Taking care of myself really needs to be my top priority, in dealing with my spouse. When I get tired, my brain doesn’t work well, and of the two of us, I’ve always been the more functional — by a lot. I’ve been their caregiver, pretty much, for nearly the whole time we’ve been together. Their health has often been bad — especially their mental health, and after a serious neurological illness they had back in 2007. They’ve got a ton of history behind why they’re so mentally ill, and there’s plenty of reasons why they have the issues they do. Panic. Anxiety. Depression. Paranoia. Verbal aggression. A real roller coaster of emotions — with very little calm in the meantime.

Does it get old? Oh, you betcha. But they’re the love of my life, so you take the bad with the good.

And you take care of yourself.

So, this “vacation”, I need to be really clear about what I will and will not do. I need to not bend over backwards for them, just because they’re on vacation and think they should be treated like royalty. They’re not the only person who deserves a break, and I need to get some rest, too. In some ways, coming home from Monday to Wednesday is going to be a real relief for me. I’ll have the house to myself, I’ll be able to eat whatever I like — actually much healthier than how my spouse will eat. And I’ll be able to get to bed at decent times without that late-night drama they love to stir up.

So, it’s all going to work out for the best, I believe.

I just have to remember that my spouse is actually impaired in some significant ways, and I need to adjust and adapt and plan ahead.

And not get my hopes up for things that have never happened before, and will probably never happen, period. Like getting on the road at the pre-agreed time. Or having a low-key and very no-nonsense sort of trip.

The main thing is that I find a way to really enjoy myself, take care of myself, and actually get some rest. The condo where we’re staying has three floors, and I’ll be downstairs in a quiet, dark bedroom with couch and desk and its own bathroom, while my spouse will be up on the top floor. It works out well, and it leaves room for both of us to move at our own paces and have some freedom from each other. We’re both getting older and a lot more set in our ways — and a lot less willing to compromise.

More rigid? Yes. But also more discerning, and not so willing to give ground on things that really matter to us personally.

I think a lot of couples find this as they get older. They either split up, or they stick together and find a way to peacefully co-exist, whilst pursuing different interests that are all their own. I know I’m at that point in my life, and it’s not worth hassling over. It really isn’t.

So, I just need to take care of myself and have the vacation I want. Whatever my spouse does, is on them. No skin off my teeth. Not if I don’t let it.

Yes, but I’m free

Not the life I always wanted

I woke up this morning with an image in my head — a horse tied to a cart, pulling it along. Kind of like this image:

It reminded me of the day I have ahead of me… pulling along the burdens of the company work for, together with all the other folks on my team who are hitched to their respective wagons of family and job and mortgage, and so forth.

It made me feel sad.

And I had a realization:

Even though I have had my share of troubles, even though I do not have a college degree or a “safety net” or a lot of security around me. I am free. I have never placed a huge premium on hitching up to anyone’s wagon, and in fact the expectations of others that I will hitch up to their plans and ideas and schemes (in return for money, respectability, and some measure of safety)… well, I’ve always seen through that. In exchange for money, I lose my freedom.

Kind of like today, when I have to go off to work instead of having time to sit quietly and go about my business.

And I realized — yet again — that I have made just about all my choices in life in order to preserve and protect my freedom — even if that meant I was going to expose myself to danger and not be part of the “gang” of compadres who were on the inside track to success.

So, as I prepare for my day, I’m thinking a lot about how I can really, truly be free. I have to work to make a living, and I have to trade my time and energy for the things that will keep me alive. But I have other things I can do, to keep my spirit alive, and I must remember to do those things.

Because, after all, I am free.

 

Resting well

Note the smile on the resting face… :)

I had a pretty good day, yesterday. I got things done that I needed to do, and I got some good exercise. I also had a lot of alone-time, as my spouse was traveling for business.

Today we’re going to the beach, which I am looking forward to. It’s been tough to get out and get to the water, this summer. I’ve been really tired from work, and I’ve had some rough patches, when things seemed to be really falling apart on the inside.

On the outside, everything was cool and happenin’, with my new job and new responsibilities. My interior world was a little different, though. I had a lot of doubt and struggle that I never wanted to give in to. I just kept going and didn’t get bogged down in it. And it didn’t stop me.

At the same time, it was still very difficult, and I’m glad I’m getting to a balanced place, right now.

Rest has become really important to me. I’m realizing how much I need, more and more each day. If I’m not rested, my brain doesn’t work right. And now that I’m not running on pure adrenaline, 24 hours a day, I can feel how worn out I got from that old job.

It just was not a good fit for me, mentally, physically, philosophically. The philosophical aspect is really important, because it’s about my values and what I think of the world. If my workplace is not in alignment with my values, it sets up a huge amount of stress. I’m surprised I stayed as long as I did — but that was really because of the connections I felt with people there.

And the fact that I couldn’t find a decent fit anywhere else.

Now that’s behind me, and I am really shifting my energy sources to real things, instead of pure adrenaline and stress. I don’t need to use stress to dull the pain or give me energy, because I don’t have to friggin’ deal with those crazy people anymore. Geez, where they a piece of work. But that now falls into the category of Not My Problem, so let’s move on.

Moving on… now that I have the time, I can actually get some decent rest at night. I can get 8 hours easily, whenever I want. No 7 a.m. conference calls. No 9 p.m. conference calls. No global drama. No chasing down problems at breakneck speed, only to find a whole slew of other problems waiting in the wings. None of that, thank heavens. I can also spend an hour or so each morning reading and writing and thinking, which is a huge thing for me.

I can’t believe how little time I actually spent thinking, over the years. It’s like my brain wasn’t required on the job. Just show up, do as you’re told, and shut up about it.

Now, I’m “allowed” — even encouraged — to think on the job. And that’s a huge thing, because working with people who are anti-“intellectual” and make a point of never applying their minds to much of anything, gets to be pretty old. This happened in the last few jobs I had. Looking back, I can see how I gravitated towards positions where I actually didn’t have to think much about anything, because my brain wasn’t working all that well. In a way, those mindless jobs really stabilized me and provided an income to help me get back on my feet. They served their purpose, and for that I’m very grateful.

And I’m also grateful I’ve moved on. I’m grateful that I could move on.

Anyway, it’s a beautiful day today, and I have a few hours before we’re heading out for the afternoon. I got my Big Online Chore done last night in no time, which was completely awesome. I had allotted 2 hours to doing it, because that’s how long it always took me before. Sometimes longer. It was a huge chore, because I would have to block off hours of time to do it, and then check it, to make sure everything was uploaded and working properly. But I’ve recently changed internet service providers, and my internet connection is 20x faster than it was before — literally. So, what usually took me 2-3 hours on average, took me 20 minutes. I was done. And I had a couple extra hours.

So, I had some tea, read for a little bit, and went to bed happy.

Which is great.

I have to say, getting used to not being pushed to my physical and mental limits, each and every day, is pretty cool. For years, I’ve pushed myself really, really hard, because it kept me awake and feeling alive. But it turned into a drain that sapped all my energy and turned me into a zombified crazy person. And I didn’t like where I was going. I had a pretty shitty outlook on life — largely because I was so tired and maxed out all the time. Now that I’m not pushing myself like crazy, and I have a good foundation with a decent job that’s close to home (and getting closer in another 6 weeks — woo hoo!), I have the leeway to step back, look around myself, and see what else I have to live for, besides dulling the pain and distracting myself from all my troubles.

And rest has played a big role in this little success story.

Rest, and getting into a job where I’m expected to think for a living.

It’s an adjustment, but I’m sure I’ll manage ;)

Onward.

It really does matter how you look at things — and yes, you can choose

Your brain is more powerful than you think!

So, after posting about working on my perspective, I took a quick look at my Twitter feed, and I found a mention of a new study that’s been published:

Neurophysiological correlates of various mental perspectives.

From the Abstract:
A common view of consciousness is that our mind presents emotions, experiences, and images in an internal mental (re-)presentation space which in a state of wakefulness is triggered by the world outside. Consciousness can be defined as the observation of this inner mental space. We propose a new model, in which the state of the conscious observer is defined by the observer’s mental position and focus of attention. The mental position of the observer can either be within the mental self (intrapersonal space), in the mental outer world (extrapersonal space) or in an empathic connection, i.e., within the intrapersonal space of another person (perspective taking). The focus of attention can be directed toward the self or toward the outside world. This mental space model can help us to understand the patterns of relationships and interactions with other persons as they occur in social life. To investigate the neurophysiological correlates and discriminability of the different mental states, we conducted an EEG experiment measuring the brain activity of 16 subjects via 64 electrodes while they engaged in different mental positions (intrapersonal, extrapersonal, perspective taking) with different attentional foci (self, object). Compared to external mental locations, internal ones showed significantly increased alpha2 power, especially when the observer was focusing on an object. Alpha2 and beta2 were increased in the empathic condition compared to the extrapersonal perspective. Delta power was significantly higher when the attentional focus was directed toward an object in comparison to the participant’s own self. This exploratory study demonstrates highly significant differences between various mental locations and foci, suggesting that the proposed categories of mental location and intra- and interpersonal attentional foci are not only helpful theoretical concepts but are also physiologically relevant and therefore may relate to basic brain processing mechanisms.

I downloaded the paper – you can get it here http://journal.frontiersin.org/Journal/10.3389/fnhum.2014.00637/pdf – but I haven’t had a chance to read it, yet. There are some pictures with color, which are probably going to be cool to look at, once I get my head on straight today. I’m still a bit foggy from this past week. But I’ll have some free time this afternoon to chill and relax and rest, and hopefully read this paper.

Basically, it sounds like they’re saying that your state – your experiences, emotions, and images in life – can be determined by internal focus, rather than external circumstances. That focus can be on others, or on yourself. But the important part is — it’s your focus, it’s your choice. And different parts of the brain “light up”, depending which choices you make about what to focus on.

Where you put your focus determines how your brain "lights up"

Where you put your focus determines how your brain “lights up” – downloaded the paper here http://journal.frontiersin.org/Journal/10.3389/fnhum.2014.00637/pdf

Or, more simply put - we don’t have to be victims of circumstance and pushed around at the mercy of the rest of the world. We can choose how we want to feel and think and experience our lives, regardless of external circumstances.

Of course, this is assuming that you have the energy to focus your attention on what you want to think and feel. If you’re in poor health and you feel like crap and you have no energy, it can be pretty tough to keep a positive outlook.

But it can be done.

Pick your perspective

It’s all in the eye of the beholder

My new project, these days, is working on my perspective. I have fallen prey to a lot of anger and bitterness and also resentment about things which are actually nobody’s fault. They just happen. And it doesn’t make a lot of sense for me to get all tweaked about them.

Things at work are very tense and stressful for a lot of folks. I know that they will be okay, and everything will turn out okay over time. But there is a lot of stress and strain going on, and a lot of people are very nervous about their team’s ability to do the job — and do it right.

It has been getting to me, too. That much has been clear, in the past several weeks. I’ve been having episodes where I suddenly get tunnel vision, and then I have a headache for days after that. I also feel foggy and dull – numb and dumb – and I’m very low, physically. I need to address this, because my physical health directly affects my point of view. My neuropsych focuses on my thinking and how it stresses me out. And that’s true — my crappy perspective doesn’t do me any favors, sometimes. At the same time, my physical health plays a huge part in it, and I have been feeling very low and dull and lethargic.

I seriously need to jump-start myself. I’m just so blahhhh… I’m in a new job that’s closer to home, which means I don’t have to work as hard to get there. But having things be easier that way has not translated to my energy improving. The thing is, all my energy used to come from adrenaline and extreme stress, and now that it’s not there anymore, I need to replace it with something else.

Like physical fitness. I worked out more this morning than I have in a while — lifting weights and focusing on my arms, which have become flabby and fat. I usually wear long sleeves, so I don’t see my arms as they are, but lately I’ve been noticing them.

I think things will turn around in another couple of months, when we have moved to a new building that has a gym I will be able to use. Also, the location is 10-15 minutes closer to my home, so I will have more time to exercise, in addition to the other things I do.

I also need to start doing something when I get home from work in the evenings. Last night, I was so exhausted when I got home, I had to lie down for an hour before I made supper. Fortunately, I got home early enough that I could do that. I was wiped out. Completely done. Feeling sick and stupid. And later I had an argument with my spouse that really bothered me, because their cognitive decline is starting to show more and more. They had trouble speaking, and they got really angry over something I was doing — and I just didn’t feel like taking the brunt of their anger after such a long day.

So, I really need to work on my outlook and my perspective in life. I need to find a way to make peace with things turning out as they do — and not fight it all the time and turn it into a tragedy in my head. Or maybe just let it be a tragedy and accept it as such. Shit happens. And it happens to all of us.

So it goes.

Not for me, though. I’m determined to not let myself go down that route. My spouse lives in a very different world than mine — very paranoid and suspicious and antagonistic. It’s like we live on different planets; yet theirs is every bit as real for them, as mine is for me.

There’s no point in arguing about whether or not it’s true — it’s true for them, it’s real for them, and that’s the experience they’re having. The real problem is that I can’t accept it, I feel really judgmental towards it, and it makes me so uncomfortable. And when I’m tired, I get very rigid and am quick to anger.

That doesn’t help.

Anyway, I’m feeling good that I got in that exercise, first thing this morning. My arms are tired — and that’s a really good sign. It means I’m making the point to do something right, that I’ve been neglecting for a long time.

Happy Saturday, everyone.

Onward.

Dear WordPress – your new “improved posting experience” is awful

I hate to say it, but you’ve managed to complicate a very simple thing and turn what used to be quite straightforward into a chore. Ugh.

The posting form should have all the options exposed, so I can immediately see what all I can do, without additional clicks and swipes, etc.

Why hide everything behind drop-downs? Seriously. Why? It might make the form look more compact, but the form isn’t here for you. It’s here for us.

I need to see what my options are, without messing around with menus.

Also, having the posting area inside a frame/iframe may be “uncool” by millennial standards, but practically, it works. Better than what you recently implemented.

By getting rid of the scrolling post area, you’ve made it effectively impossible to add tags as they come to mind. Once upon a time, the right column stayed still, while the post area scrolled. And when I thought of a tag, I could add it, without losing my place.

Now I constantly lose my place when I go to add a tag while posting, and in the process I also lose my train of thought.

On top of that, your additional UI overhead is slowing down the display of everything, which is not improving matters at all. It might be helping your back-end and offload some of the page display from the servers to the client, but geez — do I really have to wait 45 seconds to actually see what I’ve been typing?! Seems unfair.

This is “UI enhancement” because someone on your team apparently figured out how to leverage additional JQuery functionality (woo hoo!) or some-such and wanted to show off their chops.

This is not serving all the users’ needs. Well, not mine, anyway.

It’s really awful. How things worked for the last 1,859 posts was actually just fine.

Bring back the frame for posting. Let us expand its size if need be (the way it used to be), or let it just scroll fer heavensake. Leave the right column just where it is, and don’t make it disappear from view as I’m continuing to type. And enough with the “enhanced” posting form. I never want to see that piece of pseudo-UX shite again in all my life.

God knows, I love you… but this is testing my patience.

Thanks for your consideration.

Or it was a migraine

Fun… not

So, I had that episode on Monday night, where I got so angry, and then wham I got hit with this feeling like I’d turned into an instant idiot, I got all numb and dumb, and my face and hands started tingling. And of course there was the sick headache.

I felt like I was drunk / stoned / out of it for the next 24 hours. I talked to my neuropsych, who got my thinking headed in a better direction. That helped, and I started to feel more clear. But I still feel a bit out of it … still a little numb and dumb.

Someone at work asked me if I get migraines, and I said “No,” but then I looked it up, and found this at The Mayo Clinic website:

Migraines may progress through four stages, including prodrome, aura, headache and postdrome, though you may not experience all the stages.

Prodrome

One or two days before a migraine, you may notice subtle changes that signify an oncoming migraine, including:

  • Constipation
  • Depression
  • Food cravings
  • Hyperactivity
  • Irritability
  • Neck stiffness
  • Uncontrollable yawning

Aura

Aura may occur before or during migraine headaches. Auras are nervous system symptoms that are usually visual disturbances, such as flashes of light. Sometimes auras can also be touching sensations (sensory), movement (motor) or speech (verbal) disturbances. Most people experience migraine headaches without aura. Each of these symptoms usually begins gradually, builds up over several minutes, and then commonly lasts for 20 to 60 minutes. Examples of aura include:

  • Visual phenomena, such as seeing various shapes, bright spots or flashes of light
  • Vision loss
  • Pins and needles sensations in an arm or leg
  • Speech or language problems (aphasia)

Less commonly, an aura may be associated with limb weakness (hemiplegic migraine).

Attack

When untreated, a migraine usually lasts from four to 72 hours, but the frequency with which headaches occur varies from person to person. You may have migraines several times a month or much less often. During a migraine, you may experience the following symptoms:

  • Pain on one side or both sides of your head
  • Pain that has a pulsating, throbbing quality
  • Sensitivity to light, sounds and sometimes smells
  • Nausea and vomiting
  • Blurred vision
  • Lightheadedness, sometimes followed by fainting

Postdrome

The final phase, known as postdrome, occurs after a migraine attack. During this time you may feel drained and washed out, though some people report feeling mildly euphoric.

Just about all of what they talk about describes much of my life for the past week — and last month, too. The weird food cravings, irritability, and all that yawning… I also hear that extreme thirst is one of the symptoms, and I had that for days. It was all really weird. Neck was sore, too. And as it was happening, my vision really narrowed and got fuzzy, like I was going into a tunnel… being very sensitive to sounds…

A few weeks back, after my episode in August, I looked at my calendar and saw that I was very dizzy and lightheaded a few days afterwards, which is consistent with the after-effects.

So, maybe this thing with me is actually migraine. I need to see a headache specialist, in any case, so I’m planning on following up with a doctor about this.

My neuropsych is good for psychological issues. When it comes to physical conditions, they’re not a whole lot of help. Well, everybody has different strengths, so I use them for what they’re good for.