Eggs are great – with a few small exceptions

Soft-Boiled-Eggs1

Aaauuugh! That drip makes me crazy!

Every morning I have my egg. I soft-boil one after I finish my workout, at the same time I make my coffee, and by the time all is said and done, I have coffee and egg (and some fruit or gluten-free granola) for my breakfast.

People are often alarmed to hear that I have an egg every single morning, but my triglycerides are all of 38, and my good cholesterol is 104 (40-60 is the good range, so I’m way above that), so that offsets my LDL cholesterol level of 142. My Chol/HDL Ratio is 2.4, which is well within the 1 – 3.5 range, so I’m good. No harm from those eggs, apparently. If anything, the Omega-3s are helping to lower my triglyerides. I only eat pastured/free range vegetarian brown eggs, sometimes with extra Omega-3s. They seem to taste better than the white eggs my mother always got when I was growing up.

Today was no exception to my routine. I rode the exercise bike (sometimes I lift weights – but today is a rest day for me), then made my breakfast. I really like the ritual of it all… especially running cold water over the hot egg, setting it in the egg cup, and clipping off the top with a quick chop of a butter knife. I get my salt and pepper and hot sauce, and I scoop out the first part of my breakfast carefully, so the runny yolk doesn’t drip down the side. And then I eat. Very carefully. Taking my time. Adding more hot sauce as I work my way down to the bottom of the shell. What a neat little package, an egg is.

One thing about eggs that I hate, is when they run, splatter, or drip. That happens pretty regularly, and it makes me nuts,  because then everything gets sticky, and I cannot stand sticky things. Must be a sensory thing with me. Especially lately. For some reason, my hands are really sensitized to everything they touch. And touch is a big way I both navigate my world and also soothe myself when my nerves are frazzled. When I am off-balance, my sense of touch allows me to right myself. It’s extremely sensitive, and it’s what I rely on, when I’m on sensory overload, with my hearing screwed up by tinnitus, my eyesight focused on straight lines so I don’t fall down, and my sense of smell and taste practically non-existent. If my sense of smell and taste are almost nill, and my hearing is stopped up by tinnitus, and my vision is engaged with keeping my balance and making sure I stay upright, then that leaves my sense of touch to keep me connected with the rest of the world.

Plus, when I am stressed out, I tend to “stim” — or “self-soothe” — to calm myself down. Touch is a big part of that. I will either wring or rub my hands or run my hands over nearby surfaces. Once, I was visiting relatives and I was completely whacked out by the long drive, the sensory overwhelm of travel, not to mention fatigue from the drive, and I went for a ride in someone’s new BMW. I hopped in the back seat, and immediately started running my hands over all the surfaces. Leather interior. Soft and smooth and clean. Nice. My spouse had to explain to the driver (who was watching me curiously/weirdly in the rear-view mirror) that I’m “just really tactile”. And that was that. I felt like I couldn’t resist running my hands all over everything around me. It was incredibly soothing.

Yes, being able to directly contact the physical world around me, balances me out — in more ways than one.

So, when things are sticky or slippery, it makes me anxious. And few things make me more anxious than runny eggs that have escaped the container they’re supposed to stay in.

Runny eggs on a plate of bacon, eggs, and hashbrowns, are welcome. I can deal with that – so long as they stay on the plate.

Runny eggs dripping down the side of the egg cup are not.

Runny eggs splattering on the counter where I’m eating… makes me want to snap. Throw something. Break something. I don’t. But I sure as hell feel like it.

So, it’s always a balancing act, when I’m eating my breakfast. I need to be very careful, to keep the egg from dripping and splattering, and when I get it right, it’s beautiful. When I don’t, it’s yet another opportunity to practice keeping my wits about me and not losing my temper.

So, either way, I get what I need.

It’s just not always pleasant.

Anyway, it’s Sunday, and I have a lot on my mind. A friend of mine hit their head a few weeks ago, and they’ve really been struggling with behavioral issues since then. All over the map, emotionally and logistically. Forgetful. Impulsive. Explosive. They’ve been struggling, and they’ve been telling everyone to leave them alone so they can heal, but I’m not sure they even realize how they’re supposed to be healing, and from what. They’re clearly in stress, and their system is telling them to GO-GO-GO, even while they just need to slow down… stop. Catch up with themself.

I need to write to them. I’m not sure if it’s going to help, but I need to at least try.

Oh, and I also need to call my Dad, since it’s Father’s Day. I kept forgetting to get his card, last week, and it’s probably not getting to him till tomorrow.

But most of all, I need to to take a break. I intended to do that yesterday, but it ended up being a git-er-done kind of day. I did a lot and rested a little. Today I’m supposed to meet a former coworker who is starting their own company, and they want to get my opinion on a software program they’re designing. I’m going to take a rain-check on that. I really need to get back to center. Take a break. Get some more sleep. I think I got about 8 hours last night, but I’m still feeling wiped out. Still dizzy. Last week was a huge week for me. And this coming week is not going to be small, either, what with the finalization of my new job coming through. (Oh yes – I accepted the position, in case I hadn’t mentioned it.) And then I need to give notice to people who are really depending on me being THE ONE to handle certain key responsibilities through the end of the year.

Not gonna happen for them.

They really should have planned and prepared better. But that falls into the category of “not my problem”.

Onward.

Well, so much for my new neuro…

Last night I got a letter from my new neuro — you know, the one I had to wait five months to see, because the insurance company wasn’t transferring their credentials from their old hospital, and they didn’t aggressively follow up…

Turns out, due to family obligations, they need to move out of state. They’re leaving at the end of June.

As they say in a crowded waiting room… Next!

I’m not sure how I feel about this whole thing. It’s annoying and disappointing, but it’s also kind of a relief.

On the one hand, I had to wait months to finally get to see them, but I was hoping it was worth it. It seemed like they were someone I could work with. I’ve been wanting to find a decent neuro, and they came highly recommended, so I waited. And I felt like I could work with them.

If I’m going to work with a neurologist, I really need to establish an extended relationship with them, so they can understand me and I can understand them. It’s not easy for me. It takes time. So, having them leave now is a blessing in disguise. At least I didn’t sink a lot of time and energy into that relationship.But the fact that I had to wait five months to see them, is five months of lost time — the whole time I could have spent finding another neuro to work with. And not had them skedaddle.

On the other hand, I’m not sure I want to develop a relationship with a neurologist. That initial visit really took the steam out of me. Covering all the details was draining, and even though I did feel like we got off to an okay start, it’s still kind of thrown me into a tailspin, having to factor in the whole diagnostic adventure. Migraine. Photophobia. Possible dysautonomia. Etc. I’ve got a lot going on with me, and I’m accustomed to managing things myself. So, adding in more input and requirements (especially meds) is pretty disruptive. It means I have to rethink a lot of things about my life. And make some changes that aren’t easy for me to make.

And there’s no guarantee they’re going to actually help me beyond what I can do for myself.

It’s nice to have some Imitrex handy, in case I get one of those crippling migraines again, but to be truthful, I don’t know that I’d even take it. Which is worse? The pain or the side-effects? At least with pain, I can function. Side effects… who knows?

The other thing is, all the doctors I’ve met (including this neuro) seem to have preconceived notions about how people who’ve sustained multiple concussions function and behave. When I tell them my history, they literally look at me like I have two heads, and they talk to me more slowly.

It’s almost like they expect me to be an idiot, or something. I mean, yeah – I do tend to forget things that people tell me in a matter of minutes, if I don’t take extra steps to remember it. But that doesn’t mean I’m an idiot. Nor does it mean I’m less intelligent.

Argh! It makes me crazy when people equate memory with intelligence or the ability to function. I mean, my resistance to short-term interference is close to the very bottom of the scale — that hasn’t changed in 6+ years of rehabilitation. But does that make me less intelligent or less capable of processing information in different ways? Oh, HELL no!

I simply have a different way of processing things, is all.

So effing there.

Anyway, it’s an amazingly beautiful day, and I managed to get an acupuncture appointment this morning — woot woot! It’s been a while, since I last had one, and I’ve been needing it. Coordinating all this healthcare is a huge pain in the ass. Between neurologists and orthopedists and chiropractors and acupuncturists and neuropsychologists and counseling (which is actually more of a check-in for me once a month to see how I’m doing), plus my day-job, meetings with recruiters, plus all the other things I do with myself, my proverbial dance card is FULL. Sigh.

But that’s changing… I can take the neuro out of the mix. I got my MRI and everything looks fine. I had a neck x-ray this past week, and other than a little arthritis, things are good. Overall, I’m in decent shape, and now I’ve done my periodic check-up for certain key areas that have been concerning me. It’s not any particular disorder. It’s just wear and tear from life. So it goes.

Anyway, since it is such a beautiful day, I’m going out for a walk.

Because I can.

Onward.

New site for how to slow your heart rate

hr-post-stats-all-time

A steady increase over the years – especially the past couple. Click the image to see the full size.

Over the past years, I’ve had over 300,000 visitors come to this site, seeking…

They especially seek out information on how to slow down a racing heart.

And since I have a reliable technique I use to slow down my own heart rate when it’s racing a mile a minute, I shared it. People found it. Some of them had better results than others, but I’ve got over 30 people telling me directly that it works for them.

As it does for me.

Most of the time. Sometimes, it just doesn’t work at all. I’m human. My body has a mind of its own, now and again.

Anyway, I wrote up an extended explanation of how things work for me. It’s a PDF that you can download and save to your computer, tablet, or smartphone and a bunch of people have downloaded it. It’s also an eBook on Amazon, which I think one person has bought.

I was reading my PDF and thinking about parts that need to be changed, fixed, and otherwise updated, and it occurred to me that I really need a site for this. Especially because people are asking about heart rate monitors, so I can put a store up there, as well so people can just get their gear at the same time they’re reading, if they wish.

So, this is announcing my new site slowmyheartrate.com — for folks who just need a simple, free way to keep their heart from jumping out of their chest.*

 

* Provided they have no serious underlying medical condition, that is.

Getting Off Coffee — Whom do you believe?

Would you trust this man with your love life?

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how I want to live my life, lately. I want to be free. I want to be healthy. I don’t want to kill myself through neglect and laziness. I want to eat well, live well, recover well, and have the best life I can have under the circumstances.

I’ve been changing up my diet — adding a whole lot of fresh fruit and cooked (and raw) vegetables to the mix. I feel great. My spouse feels great. It makes a difference. I can’t say I’m that keen on getting really orthodox about what I eat and don’t eat.

For about the past year, I’ve been trying to eat more “Paleo” with lots of meat and vegetables, but not a lot of carbs. Lots of healthy fats and oils. The Paleo diet is big, just like all the other diets that have come along over the years. It makes logical sense to me, and it has emotional appeal.

But does my body like it?

Not so much. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but it’s not panning out over the long term. It feels foreign. Our ancestors may have eaten this way, but they weren’t living under current conditions. They didn’t have constant energy demands. They didn’t go-go-go from morning till night. They had a completely different lifestyle, which bears no resemblance at all to the lives we live now. I would think that would disqualify the Paleo diet from being even remotely considered, but there’s that emotional appeal of “getting back to basics” and ditching all the unhealthy modern habits that have gotten us into the messes we see around us. Countless religious movements have produced lots of different denominations precisely from this mindset. Now health and fitness seem to have taken the place of religion.

For me, if I were living on the savannah, hanging out around the fire, collecting berries whenever I felt like it, and going on occasional huts, yeah — I’d be total Paleo. But my energy demands are many hundreds of times greater than that lifestyle requires, so Paleo makes no sense at all, in my book. That’s not to keep folks from making plenty of money off the illusion that we can ever go back — or that we should, to the extent we can with things we can control… like our diet.

Now, I’m no doctor or nutritionist. I’m just an everyday person who thinks for themself. And I’m thinking that carb restriction and calorie restriction over the long term is just not healthy. If you do it for short periods, it can be very beneficial. But as a continued way of life? No way. Under-carbed people are unhappy people. They are aggressive and combative, in my experience, and arguments with people who are hypoglycemic generally don’t go well.

The other thing is, since I started supplementing my diet with healthy fats and oils, I’ve gained weight. And while I do get a lot of energy off the grass-fed butter and coconut oil, and it keeps me going through the morning, my metabolism doesn’t seem to want to let go of the fat. And it’s storing it up. Supposedly, you can reach a state of ketosis where you’re burning fat instead of sugar in your body, but you have to be so strict with it, and so completely cut out carbs as an energy source, it can take you years to get to that point. And you’ve got a lot of interim pain and suffering to get through.

Plus, if you know about physiology, you know that glucose is a critical energy source for every cell in your body, so if you avoid sugar and carbs like the plague some folks say they are, you’re literally starving your body. And when you starve your body, it turns around and produces more of the glucose it needs from inside — the liver. So you’re stressing your system. That sucks, all around.

And all sorts of interesting things happen to your insulin resistance, etc. You have folks like Dave Asprey (the “Bulletproof Exec”) on medication for Diabetes 2 — an acquired condition that’s often directly related to diet and exercise habits — or the lack thereof.

So, I’m going to take nutrition advice from a guy who’s given himself Diabetes 2 and who says that fruit is like candy — a shot of pure sugar — and should be avoided like the plague?

He’s not the only one out there coming up with all sorts of ideas about how we should eat. There are tons of experts who are infopreneurs making good money off their educational-slash-marketing efforts. And we just eat it up. Literally and figuratively.

Whom do you believe? Whom do you trust?

Personally, I am getting more and more impatient with people who study things in a lab and then turn around and insist they can be applied to real life.That, and folks who insist that correlation implies causation — because two things occur together, then one must be the cause of the other.

It’s patently untrue. Studies are done all the time with too small a selection of people, and the only things that they’re looking at are what’s on their radar. They pick out 5 overweight adults and 5 normal weight adults and give them food choices. They look at who chooses what, and then they say that certain foods will make you fat. Or that certain foods will keep you slim. There’s no gathering of data about the states of mind of the test subjects, there’s no information on who’s been overweight their entire life and who lost the weight or who gained it. The foods they put in front of the participants may or may not have been selected according to broad criteria, and they may or may not have good quality foods, or even foods that taste good and are appealing. There are a million different variables that come into play, including time of day, the current physical/mental health status of the participants, and what happened with them over the long term before they ever participated in the study.

And yet, we’re expected to trust those results, and we’re supposed to believe the folks who are quoting their interpretation of the results — usually for a price.

Yeah, I’m not really feeling that.

Anyway, I digress. I guess my point is, a lot of people get really alarmist about nutrition and fitness. For good reason — there’s an obesity and Diabetes 2 epidemic going on in the western world, and it’s spreading to other countries. Like Japan — check out the article. And when you’ve been unhealthy for a while, your reactions are going to be skewed to the extreme. Especially if you’ve had physical injury or mental health issues that either came from trauma or traumatized you (usually works in a vicious cycle – cause and effect feed the trauma imbalance), you’re going to react more precipitously — FREAK OUT — a lot more quickly.

Plus, you’ve got a lot of people haggling and arguing and jockeying for position in the health and fitness field, so you’ve got a higher pitch overall to the conversations — especially with folks who are fundamentally unhealthy (overweight, with terrible bloodwork numbers, and very de-conditioned) who are trying to keep up with the rigors of an active infopreneurial lifestyle.

So, the tone of the discussion is more like a heated argument.

All. The. Time.

Which just clouds the issue for those of us “on the ground” — or as the marketers say, those of us in the target audience.

So, what about this “fast” business (as in quick, not fasting). Make changes fast. See results fast. Expecting things to change for you right away is unrealistic and unsustainable. It takes years and years to see substantive health and fitness changes, and it takes ongoing commitment and discipline to make those changes stick to where you don’t have to deliberately think about it and focus on it.

It takes time and effort to get things to improve. It takes time and effort to heal injuries and get to a point where you are fully functional. Especially with mild traumatic brain injury (concussion, if you will), where the brain — which is constantly working for us — committing to a program of recovery and sticking with it, day in and day out, over the course of weeks, months, years… That’s something our fast-oriented culture just doesn’t know what to do with.

It really doesn’t.

But all the voices in the marketplace are screaming at the tops of their lungs about how damn’ URGENT everything is. Yeah, okay, it is. No doubt about that. But all too often, the ones pushing us to change our ways are only in it for the short-term. They’re with us long enough to make their case and collect our money, then they move on to the next target audience member who hasn’t yet signed up for their life-changing program.

I have friends who are devotees of some famous health gurus. The experts have them jumping through hoops to mix up specific types of smoothies and avoid sugar in all its forms.Their trusted leaders have them so freaked out about the dangers of certain foods, that they’re willing to completely rebuild their lives around this new program — which is expensive and is coming to them later in life, when they are heading into retirement and will not — I repeat NOT — have significant sources of income within a few years.

It kind of freaks me out. Their orthodoxy and strict adherence to this “life-changing program” is well nigh complete… except for when they “slip” and end up bingeing on crap that their bodies would have no interest in eating, were they adequately nourished, to begin with.

All this, because they feel the need to make change FAST, and stave off the demons of their impending demise.

On top of it, these folks look miserable. Every time they post a new picture to Facebook, they look more haggard and drawn… puffy and stressed. It’s just not good.

But they did get their 10 days at “the institute” in Florida, and now they have their special powders and potions to mix up and tell themselves they’re seeing transformational results more quickly than they’d realize them on their own.

As for me, I’ve been a devotee of plenty of independent researchers and health/fitness educators. I sign up for their newsletters. I read their blogs. I watch the videos, and I’m usually impressed by their passion and the way they communicate. But there’s a whole lot they don’t say, and if you look behind the scenes, you see that there’s even more that goes unsaid. Like the Diabetes 2 diagnosis. Like the lousy bloodwork. Like the failed relationships and the weight gain.

It doesn’t take long for a lot of these folks to fall out of favor.

Which brings me back, time and again, to myself. How does my body feel? How does my head feel? How does my life feel? When I use that as a guide and check in on a regular basis, that tells me everything I need.

Like I need to cut back on sweets.

Like I need to cut back on coffee.

Like I really need to eat some red meat.

Like I need to eat chicken or fish or not have any meat for one day.

Like I need more fruits and vegetables.

Like I need to not eat that cake and ice cream.

Basically, I’ve found that following the advice of gurus works best when I do it intermittently, but not constantly. Destabilizing myself with bad science and treating it like gospel is no way to go. I need balance, and I need exercise, and there is usually much behind the scenes of what gurus teach, that we’ll never learn and never know.

So, when I follow my own path and get more information and apply it sparingly, so much the better. Some things work for some people, based on their chemistry and a host of other factors. Some things don’t. Ultimately, it’s up to me, and the proof is in the pudding.

And now it’s time for a walk.

Onward.

Gearing up for another neuro visit

Well, I found a new neurologist. And I finally got an appointment with them in about 4 weeks’ time. I’ll be sitting down with my neuropsychologist to review their notes.

This makes me nervous. Looking at what’s been going on with me, and trying to articulate it with another person is… challenging. I worry that I won’t articulate things well, and we’ll end up going off on a tangent that’s just not consistent with where I’m at.

And then I can end up on yet another boondoggle.

No thank you. I’ve done that already — several times, over the years, and I have better things to do than try out new meds that make me feel worse (or just plain weird).

I guess the secret is in keeping things simple. Focusing on a few simple questions — like  Is this sh*t going to kill me? — will keep things from spinning wildly out of control.

Also, staying rested and well-fed… not eating too much sugar… tracking my headaches when they come up. It’s all part of it.

I’m really more anxious than I am fearful. It’s just a lot of ideas and nervousness spinning around in my head. And things are very busy and chaotic at work, so that doesn’t help.

Oh, well. Time to go back to my experiments with numbers…

Getting new doctors

The tremors in my right thumb and hand have been getting more noticeable, lately. The numbness and tingling on the left side of my face has continued,and it’s now just a part of my day-to-day.

And the neuro I was referred to, has not managed to get their insurance situation sorted out. I have been waiting for three months for them to get their act together, and still it hasn’t happened.

Do I feel comfortable turning over my neurological healthcare to someone who is resigned to let red tape block them from practicing?

No.

What will happen if I am in real need of specific types of care, and they cannot get their act together to provide the help I need? What then?

So, I need to find a neuro who can check me out for this tremor business.

And I also need to find a new PCP. The one I’ve been seeing has been good for getting me basically squared away, but they have been really lax with some things and have not followed up with as much engagement as I would like.

It’s not like I’m sick a lot, but when things do go wrong, I need to know I can count on someone to be all there — 100%. It’s my health and well-being. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

But first things first. It’s pretty overwhelming for me to find a neuro, and the anxiety around getting a new PCP is pretty intense for me. So, one thing at a time.

When I do start talking to doctors, I’m going to take a piece of paper to them that tells them what my goals for care are,and how I need them to help me get there. I have no guarantee that they’re going to ask that, themselves, but that doesn’t need to keep me from discussing my intentions with them.

And keeping it simple and straightforward is the way to go. Even if it completely oversimplifies everything. First I need to get an “in” with them. Don’t overwhelm them before they have a chance to get to know me. When I deluge them with all my concerns, I come across sounding like a bit of a hypochondriac, because who the hell could walk around feeling like I do, being as functional as I am with so many issues?

Or maybe the issues are all in my head, and I’m malingering… looking for attention.  Whining and bitching and being a little cry-baby.

Whatever.

Actually, all I really want from a doctor at this point is some diagnostics to make sure the tremor and numbness in my face isn’t something bigger and badder than it seems to be. I just don’t like getting “caught out”. I want to get a head start, if at all possible, and get ahead of my issues before they get the best of me. I’ve lost too much time to “wait and see” approaches.

Time to get moving. Tomorrow I start calling around again.

Onward.

Help is on the way… I hope

American Heart Association: Neck manipulation may be associated with stroke – see the little tear in the blood vessel wall? That can be caused by prior trauma. So be careful. Fortunately, network chiropractic involves an approach OTHER than structural adjustment.

I’ve got an appointment with a network chiropractor later today. I’ve been to network chiropractors in the past, and they really helped me, but I’m no longer willing to drive a long distance to get to them. Now that my commute is much shorter, I am much more protective of my time.

Plus, this chiro is someone I wanted to work with, years ago, but they were too expensive.

Now, they have special packages for people who need help, so I’m getting help.

What I’m really hoping for is to get a break from the pain and to be able to rest better, so that I can get back to normal and complete some of the big projects I’ve had going for some time, but which haven’t gotten wrapped up, yet. My plan was to have at least one of them done last weekend, but the car accident prevented that.

I need to just get back to normal and proceed… Onward.

I’m pretty hopeful about this. Network chiropractic doesn’t involve a lot of structural adjustments, which can be dangerous for someone with a history of neck and brain injury. Those kinds of injuries can cause clots to form more, because the walls of blood vessels may tear, causing blood clots to form inside the tears. And neck adjustments can loosen the clots which may go to the brain and cause a stroke. Or they can even cause the tears which can lead to clotting… and to stroke.

No thank you. I’ve got enough on my plate, thank you very much.

Network chiropractic is all about re-tuning the autonomic nervous system and getting your system properly talking to itself again. It’s gentle and it’s very powerful, and it helped me a lot in the past. I have high hopes for this new chiro.

And I’m also looking forward to this coming weekend, when I can (fingers crossed) settle in and do the things I intended to do last weekend. I have a lot to do, and it’s great stuff. I just need to be allowed to do it.

Onward!

I feel like crap. I must be getting better

Wheeeeeeeeeeee….

Holy smokes, I am dizzy. I’m having difficulty keeping vertical, and I constantly feel like I’m about to fall over. It’s gotten so bad, that I had to cancel some appointments this week, because I really can’t drive long distances in this shape.

It’s either a cold / infection affecting my my inner ear, or it’s neck strain. I’m inclined to think it’s the latter, because it really sets in when I am looking up  for extended periods of time. I can focus intently on something, and that will make it better, but when I stop focusing on something intently, it comes back, and it’s pretty bad.

I’ve had problems with dizziness for many years. It’s been a problem for a long, long time, and I now believe it’s related to the head and neck injuries I’ve had over the years. I’ve been in a number of car accidents that gave me whiplash and screwed up my head and neck, and I’ve also fallen on my back and had my head snap back. So, I’ve had plenty of neck trauma over the years.

And dizziness, too. I’ve gotten used to it, in away.

The encouraging thing about this is that I can actually tell that I’m dizzy. In the past, I was so stressed out and so taxed, just keeping up with the simple day-to-day activities, that this sort of thing didn’t register with me. I just kept going. I just kept pressing on. I didn’t let it stop me… and it didn’t.The thing is, I didn’t really deal with it, either. And I certainly did not cancel appointments because I was off balance. That would have been stupid, according to the old me.

The fact that I’m making these sorts of decisions now tells me that I’m getting better, I’m better able to see what’s going on with me, and I’m better able to take care of myself.

It’s interesting – when I cancelled one of my appointments yesterday, the person I was going to see told m=e it sounded like I was acutely ill and needed to see my doctor.  I guess it did sound kind of dire, the way I described it. Then again, it didn’t. It was just about me being so dizzy that an additional 2-1/2 ours of driving (round trip) was not going t help my situation.

I  told them, No, I’m just more dizzy and crappy-feeling than usual, and I expect it to go away with time.Sure, I’ll contact my doctor, but not over something as common as this.

The thing is, I can track the increase in dizziness to when I started doing more overhead work around the house. I’ve had to do a bunch of repairs to items over my head, including changing light bulbs and cleaning windows and the eves of my house. I was also helping my neighbor do some overhead cleaning, too, and since then my neck has been very tight and sore and I’ve been dizzy. Even now, when I move my head from side to side, I get dizzy.

So, acutely ill, no.But extremely dizzy and not feeling that safe driving around, yes.

I’ll just do what I usually do, which is stretch more,work on my neck — and I also have a massage on Monday, which should help a lot. I’m looking forward to that. I should probably do it more often. There’s a place down the road from my home that has a jacuzzi and sauna and they also do a variety of massage types.Hopping in the jacuzzi to soak in hot water, then getting a massage sounds like about the best thing I could possibly do for myself, quite frankly.  That, and sleep.

Too bad I have to go to work later today.

Well, anyway, I actually do need to go back to my chiropractor. They really helped me before, and I need to go back, so I can address the lower back pain and the neck stuff. Now that I am working closer to home, it’s going to be possible for me to do this again. I had to stop going, because my commute was so long, and I was so tired, and going to the chiro added an extra hour to my daily commute, which was brutal.

Now that’s changed. I need to take action. So, I’ll give them a call later today.

Either before or after my manager sits down with my group and tells us about people getting laid off.

Oh, the excitement

The transmission went out on one of my cars. It actually imploded, and little bits of the machinery were floating around in the transmission fluid.

Not enough money for another car — so went ahead and had the transmission replaced. Not ideal, but for the money we’d have to spend, we could not have gotten a decent car.

Best just to suck it up and get the transmission done in the car we DO know about, and hope for the best for the next three years.

Money’s scarce. I wasn’t working for a week and a half in December/Jan, and if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. So I lost nearly half a month’s pay, and now I’m feeling it.

Ouch.

Oh, well.

Back to work. Pull in some extra hours and get the overtime. And hope for the best, that no more problems come up.

Health scares. More health scares. My good insurance is valid till the end of this year, then I need to make other arrangements. Like Obamacare or somesuch. It all seems so complicated and confusing.

I joke about it being easier to die, but some days it feels that way.

Not that I want to die. I think I’d settle for just being able to walk away from all of this. Move to the woods.Or go on the road. Just leave it all. People have good intentions, trying to help me get ahead at work, but honestly, I’d almost rather not.

Lord, how I would love to just lay it all down and walk away.

Adulthood is overrated. I want to be a pirate and sail the seas, knocking over pricey sailboats carrying rich couples, leaving the people alone, but making off with their loot.

Just an idea.

But with my luck, I’d get clunked on the head and would end up overboard.

I hit my head on the car door frame again last night. I keep doing that. It’s not fun. I’m feeling okay, afterwards. Same headache as usual. Still, I always wonder if THIS will be the final head injury that truly does me in.

I’m not there, yet. So I’ll count my blessings. And leave it at that.

Onward.

St. Barbara of Arrowsmith-Young

Thanks for the help this past Sunday

So, on Sunday I spent the afternoon reading Barbara Arrowsmith-Young’s “The Woman Who Changed Her Brain”, about how she learned how to identify the underlying issues beneath her severe learning disabilities, which had made her life a living hell for 26 years of her life. I found the book for free on Scribd.com — my new favorite place of all time. You can read the book for free here: https://www.scribd.com/book/224350322/The-Woman-Who-Changed-Her-Brain-And-Other-Inspiring-Stories-of-Pioneering-Brain-Transformation – you just need a free login.

Anyway, I am finding a lot of similarities between her situation and mine, despite obvious differences. And it occurs to me that after hearing a number of accounts of her hitting her head (running into things, banging her head before she started to study, etc.) TBI might just factor into her account. She focuses on the learning disabilities parts, rather than the root cause, so that makes the book more accessible for folks who have had any kind of difficulty with learning and understanding and communicating — me included.

One section in particular jumped out at me yesterday:

I recall a twelve-year-old student with average intelligence but whose severe weaknesses in both the left and right prefrontal cortexes left her as compliant as a young child — so compliant that other children would toy with her and order her to stand and sit on command or to stay in the schoolyard long after recess was over or to surrender her Nintendo game. Her neurological weaknesses had robber her of her ability to evaluate a command and decide whether it should be obeyed. She addressed her problem areas and eventually was able to say no.

That’s pretty much me — but in very different kinds of situations. I didn’t have a problem with being compliant and going along with others as a kid. If anything, I was defiant and went against what anyone and everyone told me to do (except for my love interests — they could always boss me around).

The compliance and obedience and lack of questioning happened in adulthood. And I wonder if the three car accidents, the fall off the back of the truck, and the occasional head-banging — all in my early adulthood — might have affected my prefrontal cortexes to the point where I would just compliantly do whatever my spouse told me to do.

If that’s the case — and my compliance has been neurological, rather than emotional or character-based — then that’s a huge relief. And it means I can do something about it. For close to 20 years, I pretty much went along with whatever my spouse told me to do. It wasn’t so pronounced in the beginning, but then it got worse.

I had a car accident in 1997 where I was rear-ended, and I couldn’t read for several days. The letters swam on the page, and I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I recall feeling weird and shaky and being a bit “off” for some time after the car accident, and I wonder if maybe that affected my prefrontal cortexes and made me more compliant. People around me thought my spouse was bullying me, that they were being abusive and domineering, but honestly, I just went along… because it was the only thing that seemed useful to me.

I need to check around to find out more.

Anyway, that’s just one part of the book that I’m really enjoying. There are a number of different places where I recognize myself — the hesitance, the inability to get things done, the self-regulation problems… I’m not sure I want to think about them in terms of learning disabilities, but rather brain capabilities. And they apply to all kinds of situations, not just educational ones. That’s something that the author talks about a lot — how addressing these learning disabilities will improve functioning in the rest of life.

What Barbara Arrowsmith-Young has done is remarkable. She’s really figured it out — and from the inside, not from the outside. It’s amazing. I’m a huge fan, and if I were religious, I’d recommend her for sainthood. Her story is one of the reasons I got myself into neuropsych rehab, in the first place — when I read Norman Doidge’s “The Brain That Changes Itself” her story stood out for me more than any others. Because she took it on herself, and she did the work, instead of having someone else do it for her. And now she’s passing it on to others. She does public lectures. She has her Arrowsmith School. She’s written a book.

Unfortunately for me (and probably many others), the Arrowsmith School is expensive. And it’s in Canada, which is not an impossible distance from me, but still… I have to go to my job each day, I don’t have a lot of money to spend, and I’m thinking there must be another way to get this kind of help without being locked into a specific location, or paying someone to get me on track.

Again, I come back to living my life as the best recovery. Living fully and reflectively. Mindfully. Engaged. All those catchwords that basically say,

Do the best you can each and every day…

Be honest with yourself about what’s going on…

Learn from books and movies and the world around you, your experiences, your teachers and your mistakes…

Change what you can so you do better next time…

And share what you learn with others.

Absent the resources to enroll in the Arrowsmith School for months (if not years), and with the help from a handful of competent professionals, I seem to be making decent progress.

Speaking of which, I’ve got some chores to do.

Onward.