I have a confession to make. I love the bleak mid-winter. There’s a hymn about it, that sounds like a funeral dirge. The first verse starts off with a not-so-perky extended complaint:
In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow…
It’s actually a religious hymn about the birth of Jesus Christ, and I don’t want to get too faith-based here, but the bottom line is, the start of the song sounds pretty dire, but it ends up in a happy, light-filled place. If, that is, you’re a Christian believer. Everybody else will probably be left as cold as the first verse sounds.
Regardless of religious conviction, however, the point of the song is that despite the cold and gloom of the winter months, a light comes into the world. And that transcends it all.
Personally, I like the bleak mid-winter, because it slows everyone down. All the running around and chasing after things during the spring, summer, and fall… well, it all gets a little tiresome, after a while. Our systems aren’t really built to keep going at top speed, all year long. Or even all day long. We need our sleep. It cleans out the gunk that builds up in our brains, and it helps our systems restore their balance.
The idea that you can get up at 4 a.m. and push-push-push for 18 hours, till you collapse, and then get up and do it all over again, is a dangerous concept. Some people can do it, sure. But they’re the exception. The vast majority of us really need our sleep to function. And that includes me. A lot of us could also use a nap, each afternoon. That includes me, also. But I only get that on weekends and my days off. All the other days, I have to keep up with others.
Of course, getting enough sleep is more easily said than done for me. Lately, I’ve been pretty anxious about some work issues, and I’ve been waking up at 5 a.m. instead of 6:30 or 7:00. So, I’ve been losing sleep. I’ve also been staying up later than I should, watching the tail-end of movies that I really like. It’s irresponsible, I know, and I need to stop it. And I will. But right now, my focus is on making sure I’m functional for today… not focusing on the evening at the end of my day.
But I’ve digressed. I love the bleak mid-winter for its cold, which slows us all down, as we have to deal with more layers of clothing. I love it for its long nights, which help me rest and relax. I love it for its crazy weather that keeps me on my toes. I don’t even mind the snow so much, because it gets me active and out and about. And I love how other people slowing down makes it easier to shop and go to the gym, because people are not feeling up to working out (especially after the initial rush over their New Year’s Resolutions has passed), or going to the store at early/late hours of the day.
The bleak mid-winter solves a lot of logistical issues for me, slows things down, gives me a break from the onslaught of constant go-go-go, and it gives me space to move and think instead of having to constantly negotiate the world around me.
And that’s fine. It’s just fine with me. So… onward.
I took a break from my memory training yesterday. I need to let my system just chill out and acclimate. I pushed myself for several days straight. Now it’s time to let the new connections in my brain (and all-over nervous system) chill out and have a rest. I’ll come back to my exercises in another couple of days.
I’m changing things up a bit. Heaven knows, I love my routines. I have had a lot of trouble in the past with getting things done – especially everyday things – so I have routinized many, many aspects of my life. It’s to the point where I don’t even need to think about doing a lot of things that used to really trip me up — getting myself out of bed, showered, dressed, fed, and out the door to work. It used to be such a trial and a pain — and every morning started with rage.
That’s a terrible way to live. So, I did something about it. I developed a routine I would stick with, each and every morning. It was rudimentary. It was far beneath my actual capabilities. But it relieved me of the need to think everything through, each and every day. So, it served a truly valuable purpose. I credit that routine with giving me a functional foundation again. And saving my self-respect in the process.
Now it’s time to shake things up a little bit. Change up the routines to get my brain to work a little harder.
As helpful as it is to do things the exact same way, in the exact same sequence every day, it’s also easy for my brain to just check out and not have to work at things as hard. When you’re struggling just to get out of bed and out the door to work each day, routine helps. But when you’ve got that down, and you know how to do it rote, sticking to the exact same routine can be a little deadening.
Because if you’re not continuously moving forward, then you’re actually moving backwards. Maybe not right away, but over time, if you don’t move… you’re in trouble.
So, I need to switch things around a little bit. I’ve been doing that at work, where I’m getting there earlier in the day. And I’ve been handling a wider variety of work, interacting with different people, taking on a wider array of responsibilities. I’ve been stepping into the kind of role I want to play in the future, and it’s been good. I figure I have the next year to figure out where I want to go and what I want to do — and that includes money. It turns out, I’m under-compensated. I checked on Glassdoor.com, and apparently, people are making a lot more money than I am, for doing the same work. I tend to lowball myself, because I tend to think that expensive people get cut first, but I may be wrong about that.
Anyway, I’ve been doing a wider array of things in my everyday life, too — more cleaning around the house, organizing, freeing up space and seeing how I can improve my living environment. I’ve been exercising religiously each morning, which itself is a bit of a change (I used to do it every now and then). I’m lifting weights differently. And I’m working on my swimming, doing more strokes that are harder for me and demand more of me. I’ve also been pushing myself to do extended laps, rather than just floating from one end of the pool to the other. It feels great to be in the water. And it also feels great to be tired, when I’m done with my workout.
I haven’t been doing as much walking on the weekends as I should. The summer was so hot and buggy. I just didn’t want to go out. I was also pretty tired. But I have to push myself to do better about that. I need to get out and walk today. Just up the road and back. Maybe on the hiking trails. It’s been raining for the past day or two, so things are wet and slippery, so I probably won’t go into the woods, where I could slip and fall and maybe not be found right away. I need to keep safe.
My spouse has a business engagement tonight, so I’ll be helping them get everything together for that. I have been more involved in their work, lately. It’s not quite to the point where I used to be involved, but I am doing more than I had been, over the past few years. They have lost a lot of supporters, over the past few years. I think their erratic emotions and highly demanding nature has put people off. Plus, my spouse expects people to do a lot for free — or be compensated just with words of thanks and gratitude. There’s more to compensation than that, but the don’t seem to understand that.
Well, that’s not my problem. I just need to take care of my own stuff.
But that also includes taking care of them. Because they’re getting older, and they’re not going to be 100% functional forever. We’ll need to make some changes — as my spouse becomes less able, and I continue to need to keep my career going, keep working, keep taking care of myself. I can’t see the point in sacrificing my success for them — no, our success, since everything I do really benefits us both. I am the breadwinner, after all.
So, I’ve been doing some research with regard to in-home care. It’s a thing now. I’ve had people tell me I should put them in a home, right after they had their severe health collapse, about 10 years ago. I was having trouble dealing with their constant neediness and the increased responsibilities of helping them get back on their feet, and a number of people told me I should look into some sort of managed care — that I shouldn’t stick around and have their bad decisions and habits affect me.
It’s just so bizarre to me, how people can be so cavalier about just ditching people who aren’t 100% functional and able-bodied. And I also can’t believe how easily others give up — that they don’t see how you can help someone work their way back to functionality (at least, without professional help). What a shame and a waste. Maybe if fewer people gave up, and more people realized just how much you can really do, we wouldn’t have as much human suffering. Maybe…
Anyway, after months and months of concern about how I’m going to help my spouse if/when they are unable to care for themself, I now know — I will find in-home care. It will be someone who they like, someone who’s really good and helpful. And I think it will be affordable. My spouse is on Medicare, so that might help pay for some of it. If not, I will find another way. If I can just stay at my current earning rate for the next 20 years (even if I never get another raise), I can afford to pay someone to come for 4-6 hours a day, four days a week. And if Medicare can help, even better. Unless something terrible happens to me (which is always a possibility), I can maintain my own state for the foreseeable future, just as-is. And that will let me adapt to my spouse’s changing status, as well.
This is yet another reason why I need to change things up with myself and my daily routine. I need to be flexible and capable under a variety of circumstances. I need to know how to keep my cool and soldier through. I need to be adaptable and not lose it, when things shift around me — as they invariably do. My current job is not secure, it’s not stable. It’s there for the time being, but I am pursuing different opportunities within my role at the company so that I can add them to my resume and beef up my desirability in the job market. Everything around me is an opportunity to improve and make myself stronger, more valuable, and able to command a higher dollar amount. I need those higher dollar amounts. It’s just ridiculous, that I should be paid less than I’m worth, so I need to start doing something about that.
And I am. Both by doing new and different things, and training myself to do those new and different things without losing my cool.
Here are the results of my testing yesterday. I got my test sheet and folded it in fours, then I studied the image below, committing it to memory. I traced the lines with my finger, and I also stood with my shoulders wide and my hands on my hips, to have a kind of physical memory of it, because it looks almost like a robot standing with its hands on its hips. I tried to take my time, but I was distracted by my busy day ahead.
I noticed when I was starting out, I was a bit impatient. I was tired (still am), and I was running behind schedule. So, I felt very antsy while I was studying the image
About four hours passed until I did my first attempt at recollecting.
I did pretty well, getting the lines and all the pieces correct. However, I was a bit rushed, and the proportions were not correct. The top bar was too “chunky” (even though I remembered that the bar doesn’t go the whole way across). And I remembered the location of the circles in the middle. But I crowded them, and the bottom squares are too small. For some reason, I start out big, then I get smaller. I get nervous. I get rushed. And it shows.
At the end of the day, I took another shot:
I was clearly tired and rushed — I started drawing the bottom squares too quickly and forgot that I needed to leave room for the circles. Then I caught myself and course-corrected. The bottom squares are still too small, proportionately speaking. And the right one is smaller than the left. When I’m tired and nervous, I draw smaller. And I was rushed. I didn’t take my time — I think because I was nervous about possibly forgetting what I had in my mind.
So, what does this teach me?
Mainly, that I need to come up with a more effective technique for remembering things and keeping them in mind. I also need to relax and not rush. Because that gets me in trouble. It might not seem like that big of a deal here — it’s just a drawing — but that generalizes to other parts of my life that I really need to keep clear and steady. The skills I build while doing this can come in handy in other ways.
Here’s a shape I’m going to study for a while… then write a post… and then see if I can replicate it from memory. I’ve found that this helps me really improve my ability to notice details and also remember things. I used to do it a lot. Then I got distracted by other things, and I stopped. I think I’ll start again. Like… now.
In the midst of just going about my life, I’ve gotten to a point where a lot of things I used to really struggle with, have now become rote. I’ve put a ton of energy into developing routines and also getting the discipline together to follow them.
And now I need to shake things up a little bit.
This past weekend was such a shaking-up time. I spent a day and a half going at top speed, helping my spouse with an out-of-town event. Originally, they were going to have friends help, then that fell through.
Rather than leaving them to their own defenses, I agreed to go along, drive the long hours, and help them with prep and wrapping up after the event. I’m actually glad I went, because it got me out of the house and it got me out of my rut. Now, I’m exhausted and I had to take the day off work to recover, but I’m still feeling pretty good, overall. And it was a good exercise for me — good training to work on my composure and ability to plan and follow-through.
I do need to work on a number of things:
My memory, which I’ve gotten a little complacent about. I’ve gotten used to forgetting things and then scrambling to make up the difference. I’d like to do better about remembering, to begin with.
My planning, which I’ve gotten lax about. I like to “go with the flow” at times, but that tends to get me in trouble, and I lose track of what I’m doing.
My follow-through, which doesn’t always happen… thus screwing up the plans I had made, in the first place.
Keeping things clean and tidy. It’s not that I’m dirty — I just let things get a little disorganized at times, and that makes everything more complicated than it needs to be. I’d like to simplify my life, which means I need to tidy up more often. So I don’t need to expend energy figuring out what’s where, and how I can find it.
Simplifying things by just saying “no”. I expend an awful lot of time deciding between competing priorities. I used to have a “never gonna happen” list, and I put a whole bunch of projects on it. But I still need to do more pruning, and not get pulled off-track by different ideas and intriguing pastimes. I need to just turn down offers from folks who want to collaborate, and stick with My Main Activity, till that’s done.
All in all, I’m feeling pretty positive about my life and the changes I’ve made over the years. Now it’s time to bump it up a notch. I need to test myself more than I have been. I feel as though the rest of my life has taken off without me, and I’m riding in a wagon with a team of galloping horses. I’d like to have a better handle on the reins, if that’s how it’s going to be.
I also need to spend a lot more time thinking about what I’ve done right, after I’ve done it, than get bogged down in the things I want to do better… eventually… whenever I get around to it. I tend to get so caught up in making lists, that I lose sight of actually just doing the items on the list. So, I need to focus on the completion of items, and thinking about them after the fact, rather than planning ahead and getting myself all psyched up … that tires me out. And then I have no energy to just get everything done.
Okay, now for my attempt at recreating that image…
Mostly, it’s right. I’m feeling pretty positive about it. The places where I messed up, are with the direction of the “flag” on the left, as well as the sizes of the circles, relative to the lengths of the lines. The circles need to be a little bigger. I often seem to under-size the circles, for some reason.
After some very helpful feedback yesterday, I decided to go ahead and put a “Donate” button on my blog. You can see it in the right-hand column of the page. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a long time, but I never got around to it. I’m a firm believer that, of all people, brain injury survivors need access to information and connections that’s comprehensive, accessible — and free.
Experiencing a brain injury, or sharing your life with someone who’s had a TBI is taxing enough, as it is. And I think there’s a special place in hell for people who prey on TBI survivors and their families. I’ve had the mixed blessing of getting clunked on the head a bunch of times, along with a love and passion for writing. So, the two of them have combined to produce this blog. I’m committed to carrying the message that
Brain Injury Recovery is Possible.
I should know. I’m doing it.
and spreading that word as far as I can. I’ve been doing it on my own, since ’round about 2008, and as unlike me as it is, I’m actually reaching out to ask for help in doing that. Ideally, I would love to support myself through my writing and this work, but that’s not going to happen overnight. I have a number of writing projects in the works, which I very much want to get done and get out there. It’s just one step at a time with this plan of mine. And if I just keep at it, I believe I can get there — and learn a whole lot in the process.
Putting up a “Donate” button is a first step in that direction. Eventually, I may get to where I can focus on this work full-time. But for now, I’ll simply live my life as it is, share my experiences and lessons, and give others the chance to pitch in, if they like.
Ultimately, though, this is not about me. It’s about you. It’s about the readers. It’s about reaching out to others in a frank and hopeful manner, to offer insights into how brain injury recovery progresses — or regresses — and what can possibly be done to help the process along. It’s a complicated thing. It’s a very, very human thing. And more needs to be written and shared about it on a regular basis.
Whether or not money comes in, I will continue this work. It’s needed. I wish to high heaven I’d had access to this, when I had my last “mild” TBI in 2004 and everything started to fall apart in my life. But I didn’t. I had to learn from too many costly mistakes — which are still dragging me down, to this day. I would hate for that to happen to anyone else, but I know it does. And many people have it much, much worse than I. It’s heartbreaking, really. Absolutely crushing, to think of the level of human suffering — much of which happens because of lack of access to the right information at the right time.
Early intervention with the right information can help to reduce the impact of mild TBI / concussion.
It can help people with recent brain injuries understand their injury and make better choices about how to manage their lives. It can help keep recovery times to several months (sometimes weeks), instead of the years and years that some people experience.
And that’s part of my mission — to get brain injury recovery information to recently concussed individuals quickly, before the desperation sets in and/or they start making the kinds of decisions that will either further endanger them or prolong their recovery.
Beyond the initial “acute” period, I want to provide support and encouragement to individuals who are recovering from mild TBI and are confused about what they can expect, and why it’s taking so long for them to heal.
In the long run, for those of us who have prolonged periods of difficulty, struggle, and various levels of catastrophe, I want to provide an insider’s view into what it’s like to piece your life back together, after others have given up on you, or flatly refused to help you anymore. That happens all too often. I’ve lived it. I’m still living it. And it breaks my heart to think that others have to go through this… “experience” (that’s my nice, polite way of putting it).
So there it is — why I do this, and what my mission is.
I realized today that I’ve been feeling depressed and defeated over my old neuropsych moving away. I really did enjoy working with them, and they gave me so much good, encouraging information to work with. They gave me a weekly shot of hope, like no one else ever had. Losing them was a pretty big loss for me, and five months later, I think I’m nearing the end of my grieving period for that loss. I think it takes about six months to regain your footing after a significant loss. And yes, it was a significant loss for me. I’m just now realizing that.
But I’m ready to get back to work. And getting clear (again) about what this blog is really for, is a good place to start from. It’s a very good place, indeed.
So, if you also believe in this mission, and you’d like to help me get the word out, you can donate below. You can make a one-time contribution, or contribute monthly. Any amount is welcome. Thanks!
One of the amazing things about the brain is that it has an uncanny ability to get what it needs in the short term, but which actually hurt you in the long-term.
After injury, it can push you to do things that will feed its immediate need, but the ultimate result is just not good.
Take stress, for example. And danger. And risk-taking activities. All those things look like either bad habits or a taste for self-destruction. But actually, it can be the brain seeking out the pump of energy it needs to function.
After TBI or concussion, the brain’s “tonic arousal” (its general level of wakefulness) can be negatively impacted. The brain is literally more “sleepy” and doesn’t respond as quickly as it once did. Many concussed folks complain of feeling slower than before their injury, and while there may be a number of different reasons for that, tonic arousal can be a big component.
The only problem is, stress and drama actually keep us from learning. The parts of our brain that need energy and information can be literally shut off, when we’re under extreme duress. And as a result, we can end up repeating the same stupid mistakes over and over again.
Because A) We haven’t had the chance to learn from our last mistakes, and
B) There’s a part of us that actually thrives on those stressful situations.
So, it’s a vicious cycle.
And it applies not only to folks with TBI and concussion, but also those with ADD/ADHD, PTSD, or other brain-related issues that slow them down. When you need to go faster, your brain will do what it needs to get its requirements met. The only problem is, over the long term, this can be… just a little disastrous.
Well, of course, there are some similarities, but it’s her story, not mine. I’ve just gone back and updated it with a notice at the very top and quotes around the story — it was easy to fix.
I wish all misunderstandings were that easy to fix.
I’ve also been fielding some comments in Twitter about things I’ve said, that apparently came off wrong. It is really, reallyeasy to be misunderstood on Twitter. I’ve had people thinking I was attacking them, or their sport, or something else they held dear… and then they “fought back” with both barrels blazing, when all I was doing was raising some questions.
All around, it seems like the online world is just primed for misunderstanding — and consequently, a fight. All around us, we are trained to see opponents and aggressors. And that’s a huge problem, when you can’t even disagree with someone and/or challenge their thinking without being seen as an aggressor (or micro-aggressor). There’s a fantastic article in The Atlantic about this (click here to read it), which I came across a while back. It explains a lot — especially with regard to the younger generation who seem to have amazing potential, but also seem incredibly hung up over every little thing.
All the fighting… good heavens. There’s a reason I backed off Twitter for a while. But there’s so much good research coming out that gets posted there, I have to check it out. There’s seriously some great reading available, thanks to all the tweets flooding my feed. I think the key is to not follow a lot of people who get snarky and vicious and outraged. Especially about politics. ‘Nuff said about that.
Anyway, I’m taking more time to think things through before I say / post / tweet them — or trying to, anyway. It’s hard, when the moment to respond presents itself, and there’s something in your mind that seems 100% appropriate and on-point.
I should know by now that that feeling of 100% certainty is a tip-off to the exact opposite being true. The more convinced I am of something, the more likely I am to be very much mistaken. So, I do know that. But that doesn’t always rule how I react and interact. Impulse control issues and all that.
I guess that’s what keeps things exciting. I just have to keep revisiting things that need a little tweaking… making sure I don’t do more damage along the way. I also need to know when to let it go. Not everything needs to be fixed the way I want it to be. It’s also important that I hold my ground and not give into bullying. Just state my case, say my piece, and leave it at that. If people understand, then great. If not, there’s no guarantee I’ll convince them.
Sometimes it’s best to just move on and leave it at that. Or just stop following some people… which I have been doing regularly, when their tone gets too unremittingly intense.
Last week, I was caught up in researching mind-control techniques of expensive large group “personal growth” programs… and a week before that, I was caught up in some fringe neuroscience that is so far beyond me, it became apparent after two days of compulsive reading that I couldn’t even scratch the surface enough to wrap my head around the name of the phenomenon. Admittedly, it is good for me to range a bit farther afield in my reading and studies, but I can get too caught up in too many fringe activities, and then I lose valuable time for the things that I really do want to work on.
Like the handful of books I’ve started to write and got 3/4 of the way through, but are all waiting for me to pay attention to them again, so I can finish them up.
Anyway, today is different. I’m not feeling great — and ironically, not feeling great is a key factor in how well I am able to focus. When I’m feeling rested and fully functional, I get pulled off base very easily — all that energy gets spread too thinly — and I get nothing done.
But when I’m not feeling great — I’m at maybe 65% today — I know I have to be more deliberate in my activities and pick and choose. So, more gets done. And oddly, I have more clarity when I’m under the weather, than when I’m feeling at the top of my game.
I wouldn’t mind feeling just a little better today. Who knows? Maybe I will by the time the game is on this afternoon. I’ll pace myself. Take naps when I need to. And pick and choose the things I want to do.
Step #3 in finding a new neuropsychologist is : Scout around for neuropsychs, looking online and also touching base with my local Brain Injury Association chapter. If they have websites or blogs, read those to get a feel for what kind of people they are. See if there are any testimonials or recommendations from patients which will tell me more about them.
Now that I’ve got my list of issues to track, and I’m thinking about what they really boil down to, I need to look around for who can help me. Years ago, when I was scouting around, I did not have the level of information and familiarity I do now, and it was like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Not only were there so many details to consider (and my brain made it even worse by complicating everything and taking in every single detail without distinction), but it was treacherous going. Like a needle will jab you if you’re not careful, a neurologist whose agenda is to prove you do not have any problems, is also a hazard.
Because there are plenty of them out there.
So, first, I have to screen out the folks who could be dangerous. I’ve come across local brain injury support groups who actually keep a list of those kinds of docs — they can ruin your life.
And then I need to find friendly faces — again, there are local groups that have contacts and recommendations. My local BIA chapter actually has a list of neurologists and neuropsychologists who “get it” and have proven helpful. I have an old list from before – but I may reach out to get an updated list.
I also need to check around with other people to see if they have any recommendations. I’m not very well connected to the brain injury scene in my area, because I can’t take the chance that my anonymity will be breached. I have to keep my semblance of normalcy together, and not let word get out that I have a history of brain injury. That could sink me, and as I’m the sole provider for my household… well, I’m not all that keen on being homeless and pushed out of society, which is pretty much what would happen. I don’t have a lot of folks in my life who are fine with brain injury — I found that out, when I was disclosing to friends who I thought would understand. They didn’t. They’re not my friends, anymore.
So, I need to make sure I’m smart about this and keep things simple. I also don’t want to go chasing the wrong things, as I feel I sometimes have with my current neurospych.
As I track my issues, I am actually seeing that my sensory issues and physical issues are a major contributing factor to my difficulties. Fatigue is the #1 complication I have with mild TBI, and it complicates everything. Being on constant sensory overload, day in and day out — with the fluorescent overhead lights, the busy-ness and activity at work, noise, the deodorizer in the rest room that’s as nasty and pervasive as perfume being sprayed on you in a department store — it’s exhausting. It really takes a lot out of me, and whatever cognitive reserve I’ve got on hand, depletes rapidly when I’m overwhelmed.
So, I need to look around and find someone who can help me with my sensory issues — not just cognitive ones. It might actually be the case that while I test fine under rested conditions, when I am tired and overwhelmed (which is usually the case), that all degrades. So, perhaps it would have made more sense to evaluate me when I was exhausted, since that’s my “default operating state”.
And it could be that my neuropsych has not gotten a full view of the impacts to me, because we’ve been meeting (by my specific choice) on a day when I am about as close to “on” as I can be — Tuesday afternoon, when I’m warmed up for the week, but not completely wiped out. So, that’s prevented them from getting an accurate view of how I’m really functioning.
Anyway… I need to find a neuropsych who is familiar with sensory processing issues, as well as other physical issues. Because I swear to God, I struggle so much with them, and my physical symptoms are so intrusive and corrosive, I don’t feel like I can actually make any progress, anymore. If anything, I feel like I’m going backwards. Being exhausted, day in and day out, is an issue. Eventually, it will beat the life out of you. It’s just a matter of time.
So, my hope is that I can find someone who more fully understands these problems all across the spectrum — physical first, then mental, then emotional — and who can help me work through all of this in a common-sense fashion. It would be nice to feel like I’m making some progress again.
Step #2 in finding a new neuropsychologist is : Be clear about what I want to achieve from working with someone. I need to make up a short-list of my issues — a condensed version which will communicate to the neuropsych the nature and extent of my issues.
The last time I was looking for help for my persistent TBI/concussion issues, back in 2008, I did a lot of things in ways that kept me from getting help. One of those things was bombarding potential docs with a whole binder full of information about my history, my present, and more. It was seriously a sheaf of papers I had to hold together with a binder clip. And when I showed up to talk to neuros about my symptoms, they just looked at me like I was insane.
Because I sort of was. TBI had so scrambled my brain, had so confused my ability to think clearly about, well, anything, and it had really decimated my ability to see the forest rather than all the trees. It also exaggerated just about any perception I had, distorting it like a funhouse mirror. So, of course I looked and sounded a little crazy. Of course I did.
And accordingly, I was dismissed and treated like a malingering drug-seeker — and I didn’t get any help at all.
So, I had to take care of it, myself.
This time, I don’t want to repeat that, so while I am collecting details on my current situation, I’m thinking about how that actually affects my functioning, what impact it has to myself and my environment, and how I want it to be. Cliff notes. Boil it down. Now I canactually boil things down to their most basic essence, so I’m going to do that.
This morning, I am extremely dizzy & lightheaded, feel like I’m going to fall over, my head feels like it’s in a slowly tightening vice, and I’m pretty foggy today. I’m having a heck of a time getting started. It’s holding me back, because I need to be up and at ’em, not puttering around the house, fiddling with this and that. I know better. I’m just having trouble doing better, and I’d like to fix that.
I really need to be “on”, these days, because my year-end self-assessment and performance reviews are happening now. Unlike days of yore, when your boss rated you, nowadays we have to do assessments on our activities and report on what we’ve done. This is one of those times when I can’t fake my way through — I need to be clear and concise, and I need to represent myself well. If I’m foggy and can’t get started (I’ve had real problems with initiation for a couple months, now), I can’t do my level best on my self-assessments or my future goals. I’ve struggled with just getting myself to figure out the self-report form, and I’ve messed up a couple times, putting comments in the wrong fields (of course, it would be nice if the app let me move things around, but no).
And these difficulties directly impact my ability to earn a good living, advance in my career, and be the best that I can be.
So, in order to get help with this, I need to be able to succinctly state the issues I’m having, how they are affecting me, and state clearly what I want to have happen instead. I need to give enough information that it makes sense to someone, but not so much that they glaze over.
I also need to use these notes to practice talking to someone about my issues, so I can communicate clearly and have all the right information to give them. I’ll use my notes as talking points — and possibly make up a separate bullet point list for myself — no, it will be more helpful if I am referring to a copy of what I give to the other person.
Armed with this tool, I hope to find someone to help me “hack” these problems. That would be great.